Rare Personality: Are there Fewer People I Connect With?

[Wave Rider]

I feel like the last few discussions I've had with y'all have been helpful. After talking about all of it, I'm left to wonder, am I just a really rare personality? And is that why I have a hard time making connections? I do make connections, with both men and women. But not many. The connections that I make do feel deep. I do find close friendships.

 

But with most people I meet, I can tell that there just isn't a deep connection there. We get along fine, but there's no feeling that we've both found a "kindred spirit."

 

I've been in situations with men where I could tell that they wanted a friendship with me, and as we talked, it was clear that there just wasn't a connection there. And I've been with women who were clearly interested and wanted to give me a chance, but as we talked, it was clear that the connection just wasn't there. We just weren't a match. What do I do in those situations? There's mutual interest, but we're not a match. It's very frustrating.

 

I do have a very diverse set of hobbies that doesn't fit into any particular personality archetype. And I live a pretty straight-laced lifestyle. I want to do things like go surfing, to go operas, fly planes, etc. But all everyone else seems to want to do is drink and party, even in graduate school. Doesn't anyone care about "serious" pursuits?

 

So I do connect with people, but not very many. Is this because of some deficit that I have in my personality, or is it because I'm just a rare person and there aren't many people who feel a connection with me? I can't tell which it is. Is there a way I can find out?

 

ETA: after reading the "Similar Threads" below, it's interesting that other people had the same complaint as me: "I want to do something meaningful, but everyone else is only interested in drinking and partying." Hmmmm.

Edited September 4, 2017 by Wave Rider

[Mumbles]

I haven't followed your recent threads (that you speak of) so treat this reply as all new

 

I know what you mean however. I think some of us are just like this - a rare personality ... if you like to call it that.

 

I make connections with only very few people, but those are -DEEP- connections. Yes, I get it - most are interested in drinking and other pursuits that I find frivolous - I mean, its fine, people are people and I don't find these things annoying, just not very interesting to me.

 

The end result, after wondering about this for many decades is that I have few friends, real ones - but I have enough. I actually tend to need a fair bit of me time anyway, so its all good.

 

I don't worry about it (any more) and can still find some casual enjoyment with shallow friends, really acquaintances from time to time, though I do find that its difficult for me to engage in an ongoing way with such folks.

[5x5]

Having a rare personality shouldn't limit your ability to connect with people.

 

According to MBTI personality types, my wife (INTJ) and I (ENTJ) are amongst the three rarest personalities.

 

Yet we have plenty of friends and are close to a some of them, all while having had quite a few romantic sexual relationships. Plus we have been married for 18+ years, while having been together for 21+ years as well so we connected.

 

As to what to do when there is no connection when dating. My wife and I have happily always had no qualms walking away (Next!), rather than trying to pursue that which is not there.

[mon.]

No one has many DEEP connections. Don't fall for that - Facebook friends not necessarily count, but you sound like a person who knows that.

 

Talking friendship, not necessarily romance: It needs a bit of work. With very few people it will be magical, instant deep eternal love connection. With most people, you would have to work a bit: be really interested in getting to know the person, be there for them, open yourself up too... this is you building the bridge between you too. Of course, if the other person is so selfish they don't want to put any efforts into building their half of the bridge, then you're probably not looking forward to their friendship in the first place.

 

But that's it, I guess if we try hard we can get true deep connections with more people, if that's what we want. With some, it's gonna be way easier, and perhaps they will fall in to you "BFF" category, and again, it's a limited group, but it doesn't mean the others are not worth the try.

 

And you can get to love a person (that's what a deep connection is, right?) despite their likes and interests. In the end of the day, we're looking for kindness, integrity, that kinda stuff (that's what I look for in a friend, anyway). It doesn't matter if they're not into the same things I am. And if they really like me, perhaps they'll even give it a try for me and try doing "my thing" on the weekend - and I'll try and do the same for them.

[central]

You are more active and diverse than most people. You may meet people more like you if you pursue your interests - similar people are more likely to be doing the same.

[knabe]

No...I DO not believe you or any of the others who complain that other people aren't interesting enough have a rarer or deeper personality than the rest of the population.

 

It is a matter of social and emotional skills. And willingness to accept the world as it is.

 

There is no such thing as instant magic, instant kindred spirit. There is learning how to relate to people and emotional maturity.

[mikeylo]

I don't think it's ' rare personality ' . You could just be very choosy!

[preraph]

It seems like with all those pasttimes, you'd meet someone when you go surfing or go to the opera.

[Springsummer]

It seems like with all those pasttimes, you'd meet someone when you go surfing or go to the opera.

 

I meet nobody when I go snowboarding/skiing/rollerblading...

 

OP, I can completely related to your story!

[basil67]

I meet nobody when I go snowboarding/skiing/rollerblading...

 

OP, I can completely related to your story!

 

Do you not talk to people on the chair lifts? Or T Bars? I meet really interesting people when they are stranded there with me

 

What about Apres skiing?

[nospam99]

Do you not talk to people on the chair lifts? Or T Bars? I meet really interesting people when they are stranded there with me

 

What about Apres skiing?

 

LOL. I suspect the OP is different, but I'm in my 60s. The people I meet on the chair lifts are either young enough to be my grandchildren or skiing with their spouses and kids. Apres ski is the same old bar scene. It may be a fun people-watch to observe those hot young women in their skin-tight ski pants competing to hookup with the particular bar's version of Jean-Claude Killy. But even when I was single years ago, I didn't find it to be a good way to meet a woman nearer my age to start chatting about our shared interest in skiing the mountain instead of the bar One variety of rare personality may very well be the person who doesn't enjoy going to bars and maybe doesn't even enjoy drinking.

[The Urbanyst]

A lot of the problems with relationships today stem from people not understanding the difference between fact and fiction.

 

This whole "DEEP connection" thing is a very new concept in human relationships. It came from romance novels. Historically people bonded with each other based on economics, similar goals and need. It wasn't some magical Hollywood nonsense.

 

Now everyone is looking for the opposite sex version of themselves. Its pretty absurd. People are not that deep and relationships are not that deep. They never were. Wake up people.

 

I know someone is going to jump in now and say "But, but, but I have a DEEP connection with my wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/dog, etc." Sure you do.

 

We only know what people show us and some people are very charming. I'm one of those people. I can make almost anyone like me and feel like they have a deep connection with me if I really want to.

[preraph]

Sounds like you need to be the one to start talking.

[Eternal Sunshine]

A lot of the problems with relationships today stem from people not understanding the difference between fact and fiction.

 

This whole "DEEP connection" thing is a very new concept in human relationships. It came from romance novels. Historically people bonded with each other based on economics, similar goals and need. It wasn't some magical Hollywood nonsense.

 

Now everyone is looking for the opposite sex version of themselves. Its pretty absurd. People are not that deep and relationships are not that deep. They never were. Wake up people.

 

I know someone is going to jump in now and say "But, but, but I have a DEEP connection with my wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/dog, etc." Sure you do.

 

We only know what people show us and some people are very charming. I'm one of those people. I can make almost anyone like me and feel like they have a deep connection with me if I really want to.

 

I would see through your "superficial charm" in 2 seconds flat.

 

It's very true that most relationships are not very deep and many people don't have the need for that depth. That's what makes people like OP and myself *rare*.

 

We definitely have harder time but we are not alone. I have met people like us through various stages of life, mostly as friends because almost nobody my age is single!

 

I can not stand surface level small talk - I would rather not talk at all if that's all that's on offer.

[basil67]

LOL. I suspect the OP is different, but I'm in my 60s. The people I meet on the chair lifts are either young enough to be my grandchildren or skiing with their spouses and kids. Apres ski is the same old bar scene. It may be a fun people-watch to observe those hot young women in their skin-tight ski pants competing to hookup with the particular bar's version of Jean-Claude Killy. But even when I was single years ago, I didn't find it to be a good way to meet a woman nearer my age to start chatting about our shared interest in skiing the mountain instead of the bar One variety of rare personality may very well be the person who doesn't enjoy going to bars and maybe doesn't even enjoy drinking.

 

This thread is about friendships - not romance.

 

I'm 50. My hubby and I met a couple of lovely women last season who we stayed in contact with. Apres ski doesn't have to be limited to bar time and romance. It can also be sitting around in the lodge by the fire talking with the other guests. Or when you're snowed in for the day and everyone is sitting around watching the blizzard and making conversation.

 

Do people still wear tight ski pants where you are?

[basil67]

Deep connections are as rare as hen's teeth. Most of us have a lot of acquaintances, some friends, and if we're lucky, a couple of best friends. Be realistic about what you look for.

 

You were saying that all people seem to want to do is drink and party. This may sum up a few people, but most people are not this one dimensional. Yes, while drinking and partying may make up some of the lifestyle, they will all have other interests to differing degrees. You just don't know them well enough to know what those interests are.

[The Urbanyst]

I would see through your "superficial charm" in 2 seconds flat.

 

No you wouldn't. Unless you can read minds which I doubt.

 

 

It's very true that most relationships are not very deep and many people don't have the need for that depth. That's what makes people like OP and myself *rare*.

 

We definitely have harder time but we are not alone. I have met people like us through various stages of life, mostly as friends because almost nobody my age is single!

 

I can not stand surface level small talk - I would rather not talk at all if that's all that's on offer.

 

Deep connection and deep conversation are not the same thing.

 

Also, wanting a deep connection and NEEDING a deep connection are not the same thing lol.

[Wave Rider]

That's quite interesting. There do seem to be two kinds of responses here, which I did mention in my OP:

 

1) Oh yeah, I totally identify with that. I rarely meet people that I connect deeply with because most people's interests are much more frivolous than mine.

 

2) Nah, I don't believe any of that deep connection stuff. People are simple and straightforward, and if you can't connect with them, then there's something wrong with you.

 

I am not sure which of these to believe.

[basil67]

That's quite interesting. There do seem to be two kinds of responses here, which I did mention in my OP:

 

1) Oh yeah, I totally identify with that. I rarely meet people that I connect deeply with because most people's interests are much more frivolous than mine.

 

My deepest connections are with people who have few common interests with me. People don't bond over hobbies, they bond over shared thoughts and feelings.

 

Not that I'd ever form a close bond with someone who thought my interests were frivolous. Part of a connection is embracing difference.

[5x5]

My deepest connections are with people who have few common interests with me. People don't bond over hobbies, they bond over shared thoughts and feelings.

 

My deepest connections are with some of the men I was in infantry with and one of my former school friends, who was there through good and bad.

 

I am also very close to my wife, in part because we survived an incident that could have killed us both (early into our dating). When she was seriously injured and and I was untouched, aside from being splattered with her blood when she was hit by a lot of metal and smashed to the ground.

 

For me my deepest relationships tend to be with like minded people, who shared the same challenging experiences.

[Chilli]

l don;t even get what the problem is , so what you don't connect with everyone, no one connects with everyone.

Some might look like they do and have a lot of people around them ,but hey , that's just how they roll.

Probably if you were to ask even them , they'd probably only consider anything deep with one or two of all those people,

 

You sound like for some strange reason , you wanna connect with more people than you do, do you want to connect with everyone , why ?

 

l'm a very unusual person , and of course l only connect with a few, so what , when l do it's rare but great.

And of course l don't connect with every female either, if anyone does let me know, l'll bet you they're a phony.

Exactly as you described , l can talk to most people though ,some will even think we've connected but l know l'm 100miles from they're thinking , so what, that's life , that's people.

 

l don;t see what the problem is unless you wanna be mr social butterfly and expect to get along with anyone and everyone.

[wmacbride]

If you are happy, who cares about personality type?

 

What's wrong with being someone who forms a few deep connections instead of a whole lot of shallow ones?

 

It sounds to me like you have to grow into your personality. You're a bit ahead of the curve right now, but others will catch up.

[spiderowl]

I don't know whether it is a rare personality that makes a difference or not. I have the rarest Myers-Briggs personality type (INFJ) and I do find it difficult to meet people who I feel a real connection with. Whether it is because of my personality type or not I do not know. It may help to find out what your personality type is exactly. There are free online tests.