Wife cheated after 18 years...

[Myasylum]

So...

After 18 years, my wife cheats on me.

Of course deny deny deny... I even have proof, but I can't tell her everything in case it's needed down the road.

Seemed like a few times she almost admitted it, but it was like she's just suddenly shake it off, and be like no I never have and said I was imagining things. Almost made me believe her for a second there.

Then she files divorce, won't look at me won't talk to me. Is suddenly bad mouthing me to anyone who will listen, and I'm just sitting here going... huh?

Now I realize I'm not prefect but geez?! She cheats on me and seems to make sound like I deserved it cuz I'm so terrible.

The sick part on my end is that I still have dreams about her that haunt me and I still want her back. I really shouldn't.

She won't talk to me, because I'm so terrible.

And if she has to talk to me, she just rips me to shreds, and she's sick of arguing with me... all I do is ask a question, and suddenly it's a argument.

I find myself starting a text to send her, just stating that I'm sorry for everything, but then I realize she probably doesn't care anyway, so I delete it. It's been 7 days now and no word. Recieved my papers, and nothing about no contact, but I guess it seems best. I know the other guy is around because my 15 year old told me so. (My imagination right?)

I have a 15 year old and a 18 year old.

I swear this is a different person than the person I was married too. It's really depressing to me, but for her it seems she's already moved on, so she feels nothing.

Seems she, just didn't just cheat on me, but it seems she's cheating life by avoiding any grieving what so ever.

Any advice?

Edited September 4, 2017 by Myasylum

[Marc878]

If you are wanting to try and save this exposure is your only weapon.

 

Affairs only thrive in secrecy and the dark.

 

Don't make the mistake of helping them hide their affair. It's the biggest mistake you can make.

 

Exposure should be done all at once. Family, his and hers, close friends, etc WITHOUT WARNING!!!

 

Don't worry about pushing her away. She's already gone. A good dose of exposure may end the affair.

 

Better wake up!!!

[Marc878]

Sit your kids down and explain to them what's going on in a sanitized way. You don't need to go into details. They are old enough to know the truth and why their world is going to blow up.

[Marc878]

Talk in these situations will get you nowhere. Only your actions will count.

 

You need complete no contact except short texts about the kids, business.

 

If you chase, do the infamous "pick me dance", cry, beg and plead it will just push her farther away.

 

Weakness and inaction at this time will be your enemy.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Now I realize I'm not prefect but geez?! She cheats on me and seems to make sound like I deserved it cuz I'm so terrible.

 

Of course that's what she's doing. What's the alternative? Make herself look bad? She won't do that. When people cheat, they often become nasty and angry toward you to avoid having to deal with the fact they it is actually THEM who is the piece of ****. It's very common and many of us have experienced it. A later phase will have her wanting to be buddy buddy with you and wondering why you can't just be friends. All of this requires a tremendous amount of denial on her part.

 

Stop apologizing to her because it's only bolstering her "case."

[Myasylum]

So in the future you advise against this "freinds" thing too.

It does concern me that you'd just end up getting sucked right back in.

Her friends are very questionable too. I was always able to fend them off in the past (which of course made me look controlling), but now left to her own devices... look what happens.

I fear for her, I really do.

[road]

So in the future you advise against this "freinds" thing too.

It does concern me that you'd just end up getting sucked right back in.

Her friends are very questionable too. I was always able to fend them off in the past (which of course made me look controlling), but now left to her own devices... look what happens.

I fear for her, I really do.

 

What do you want?

 

Vent?

 

Divorce?

 

Recover?

 

We need to know so we can advise you.

[Marc878]

So in the future you advise against this "freinds" thing too.

It does concern me that you'd just end up getting sucked right back in.

Her friends are very questionable too. I was always able to fend them off in the past (which of course made me look controlling), but now left to her own devices... look what happens.

I fear for her, I really do.

 

You can't control or make anyone do anything. You can only control yourself.

 

No contact. Definition of friend = loyal, honest, trustworthy. She's not your friend.

[Myasylum]

All the above.

 

I'm kind of a mess right now.

 

I do want her back, however... she cheated on me, and after all the lies and manipulation... I don't think it would be good for me.

 

She won't talk to me anyway. She even told me that "I make her feel bad".

I'm like? "Make you"? So she's pushing me away to avoid all guilt.

 

I think it's best for me to move on, but it's hard.

 

Just? Where do I go from here? The trial is going to be difficult because I don't want the divorce, I just think I need to.

[Myasylum]

I just wish these dreams would stop haunting me.

They all involve me looking for her, and I can't find her. Then I wake up and she's still not there.

Makes for some miserable mornings before work.

[Marc878]

All the above.

 

I'm kind of a mess right now.

 

I do want her back, however... she cheated on me, and after all the lies and manipulation... I don't think it would be good for me.

 

Your feelings will change on a daily basis.

 

She won't talk to me anyway. She even told me that "I make her feel bad".

I'm like? "Make you"? So she's pushing me away to avoid all guilt.

 

Typical cheater script. They most all follow this.

 

I think it's best for me to move on, but it's hard.

 

Tomorrow you'll want to save it.

 

Just? Where do I go from here? The trial is going to be difficult because I don't want the divorce, I just think I need to.

 

You are like most making excuses to do nothing.

 

Exposure!!! Now!!!

 

All at once without warning. You have nothing to lose.

[Marc878]

Look, your wife and her boyfriend are going to destroy your life, family and future. Sitting around doing the "woe is me" gets you nothing.

 

You either take control of your end or end up taking what they are going to give you.

 

Wake up!!!!

[mikeylo]

No one ever said divorce was easy.

 

There is a reason they are so expensive and tiring.

[Fever of love]

I just wish these dreams would stop haunting me.

They all involve me looking for her, and I can't find her. Then I wake up and she's still not there.

Makes for some miserable mornings before work.

 

Jeezo, I have that *exact* same recurring dream.

 

I mean, we're all on this forum, and so we're all going through similar experiences, but the degree to which yourr situtation mirrors mine is uncanny.

 

She left after 22 years, and as the guys here have noted, shes suddenly angry, its all my fault that shes apparently boffing some dork. It seemed inexplicable- I had never saw her being so irrationally angry, about any one of 1001 reasons.

 

And then this recurring dream.. I'm going around asking everybody where she is because I can't find her, but nobody will tell me. Some people look at me with pity, shaking their heads because they know, and others just look away or at the ground, and won't tell me. And then I wake up and shes still gone.

 

Its been like 10 weeks now, I suppose, and as predicted by the board, she announced she was going on a 'lunch date' about week 4, and then that she was getting ore serious about the 'guy' about week 8.

 

I now think this guy was not so new, and was creeping around before our separation. I don't know how I feel about that, because it changes the settlement required. I feel the 'guy' is culpable, possibly more so than my ex

 

Women are hormonally led, and if he hadnt been sniffing around when we had whatever final minor squabble Pushed her to make a hasty decision, then the mood would have passed, and she would still be here laughing at the telly or making plans for us to do something at the weekend or something.

[Myasylum]

I feel for Yea!

I do have to admit, my wife has always been somewhat of a narssicist. Not full blown, but he was always worried about her needs over mine, always seemed to lack empathy for me.

However... after 18 years, I never expected this!

Makes me rethink our entire 18 years!

Just went to my first family gathering, that was difficult!!

I saw pictures of her on the wall, and I kept thinking I saw her out of the corner of my eye. It was misery.

 

I don't see though how her and her "boyfriend" are going to make me miserable the rest of my life though? After 18, I hope I'm done!

[Myasylum]

I also told her... I don't know what your rushing this divorce through for? You must have something crawling out of the woodwork when this is over?!

She exploded on me! Diverting it to something how she told me a long time ago if we ever were divorcee she wasn't going to waste any more time.

I said, well that's fine and dandy. That still don't mean somethings not going to be crawling out of the woodwork soon.

She didn't respond.

 

I can't even imagine being with someone else right now and dragging them though all this... yet look at her! Blows my mind.

[Reddice]

It's very common and many of us have experienced it. A later phase will have her wanting to be buddy buddy with you and wondering why you can't just be friends. All of this requires a tremendous amount of denial on her part.

 

Yep. I can confirm this.

[Myasylum]

This "friends" thing, you would recomend though being a bad idea?

[Reddice]

This "friends" thing, you would recomend though being a bad idea?

 

Ooohhh yeah. That's a painfully bad idea. Don't even get me (or anyone else on the board for that matter) started on how bad that idea actually is.

[Myasylum]

This guilt thing must run pretty damn deep for them not to only change thier entire lives, but change there entire personality as well.

All the rationalizing, and lying to themselves and others would have to do had to come back at some point. However my wife had the luck of the Irish, so I don't expect much there.

[Marc878]

better lawyer up. Get the best settlement you can.

 

Look out for yourself.

[Marc878]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

Read up. Unfortunatey this is just another typical cheating wife story.

 

It's unique to you but they all follow the same pattern

[WorstFeelingEver]

So...

After 18 years, my wife cheats on me.

Of course deny deny deny... I even have proof, but I can't tell her everything in case it's needed down the road.

Seemed like a few times she almost admitted it, but it was like she's just suddenly shake it off, and be like no I never have and said I was imagining things. Almost made me believe her for a second there.

Then she files divorce, won't look at me won't talk to me. Is suddenly bad mouthing me to anyone who will listen, and I'm just sitting here going... huh?

Now I realize I'm not prefect but geez?! She cheats on me and seems to make sound like I deserved it cuz I'm so terrible.

The sick part on my end is that I still have dreams about her that haunt me and I still want her back. I really shouldn't.

She won't talk to me, because I'm so terrible.

And if she has to talk to me, she just rips me to shreds, and she's sick of arguing with me... all I do is ask a question, and suddenly it's a argument.

I find myself starting a text to send her, just stating that I'm sorry for everything, but then I realize she probably doesn't care anyway, so I delete it. It's been 7 days now and no word. Recieved my papers, and nothing about no contact, but I guess it seems best. I know the other guy is around because my 15 year old told me so. (My imagination right?)

I have a 15 year old and a 18 year old.

I swear this is a different person than the person I was married too. It's really depressing to me, but for her it seems she's already moved on, so she feels nothing.

Seems she, just didn't just cheat on me, but it seems she's cheating life by avoiding any grieving what so ever.

Any advice?

 

 

 

 

OP, I am sorry you are going thru this. I am going thru the same EXACT same situation. Married 18 years, my W went out with a MM co-worker on "day dates" & now we are in the middle of divorce.....my W is spitting image of your W. My W will not talk to me, look at me, bad mouths me, etc...., because she IS GUILTY, trying to make me feel bad to make herself feel better.

 

I agree with your post, If the married man did not come around, or if my W held true to her Vows, her commitment to marriage, she would have not let MM near her heart & we would still be best friends, still be married raising kids and a being a family.

 

I feel the same way, (about how you stated your W is not same woman you married), as I do not know who my STBX W is either, after 22 years together, 18 being married. It is like a "switch" flipped inside of her. She won't go to marriage counseling, see a pastor, or any type of marriage retreat.

 

Many woman believe the grass is greener on the other side...but eventually, the color of that grass will fade too & they go through a repeat occurrence with someone else. My STBX will find that out later in time.

 

I, too, was told to expose them both to work, friends, family, his wife, etc..... But I thought about it a while and realized the truth will come out____that MM would need to eventually tell his wife, his son, his family, and their place of employment, as one of them one would need to leave & go to another job, (they work together in same area, employer does not allow married couple OR dating in this same area) And, if I exposed them, I would be labeled as a tattle tale, that people would not trust me in holding personal conversations, secrets, etc... So it is your decision, choose wisely.

 

As others have stated, you cannot control your W, you cannot beg her to come back, it will push her away. Besides, now that you know she is a cheater, do you really want her back? How will you trust her again if you do? How would the marriage/relationship be if you were to get back together, knowing she treated you this way?

[Myasylum]

I found out too she ask my 15 year old what he would think of she was remarried!

I thinking... You gotta be F'n kidding me!

 

She's living in a Fairy tale world. Should be interesting to watch.

 

Yea... She's playing up all this sympathy getting money from her family, while I have nothing.

 

I admit, I've seen shades of this type of selfishness, but this?? I would never have expected

I even told her, it's like she opened the door and let the devil right in! She said nothing.

Even sent the kids to a Christain school.

My 15 year old told her... isn't it wrong to be dating someone of your still married to dad? And she said, no! It's over, it doesn't matter.

So she's demoralizing him, and Everything I sent him there to learn.

I'm in a angry phase right now... What the F happened to her??

[notbroken]

Her actions and reactions are standard. She will make you out to be the 'bad guy' so she can feel better about herself. You must be the worst guy on the planet so she was completely justified in her actions (that's false of course). Expect that. Tell your kids that she is going to do that and it is just not true. You are a good guy - period - and their Mom is temporarily blinded by things and making poor choices. Leave it at that. Don't respond to her about anything other than the divorce. Don't say anything about her boyfriends and dating - you can't win that battle and it is over. Just tell her you hope she does things the best way possible for your kids and refuse to argue with her. Get in the gym. Walk alot. Do things that are good for you. Treat yourself to something every day - even something as simple as watching your favorite show, eating a good meal, etc. Keep eating well. Avoid drugs and alcohol - there aren't any answers there. Be nice to yourself. The world will beat you up for a while and doesn't need your help. Be the best you that is possible. Know you will make two steps forward and one back often. Be careful. You are way more likely to get in an accident right now (mind is elsewhere). You WILL survive this. Divorce her. Accept it. She is not who you married or thought you married. You no longer know or want her. The 'old her' is gone forever. Best of luck always.