Wife cheated after 18 years...

[Myasylum]

So how does this normally work?

 

I'm always going to be the bad guy? She's just going to hate me the rest of her life?

 

Or does this hate eventually transfer over to the next guy?

 

I can't see this being a healthy situation for her.

 

I'd hate to be her hiding, burying all that for the rest of my life.

 

Thanks!!

[Mysterio]

I have seen this happen time and time again. I feel that some people are not destined to be married for life.

 

I think you should just go for Divorce. She does not want to work things out. Heal and the Universe will bring a new woman into your life.

 

My buddy BD wife told him the same thing. She is now on guy #4. I think a lot of us should just go slow in a relationship. No hurry to marry. Have more direct conversations about kids and lifestyle and see both parties are on the same mindset.

 

It saves a lot of headache in the end.

[Marc878]

So how does this normally work?

 

I'm always going to be the bad guy? She's just going to hate me the rest of her life?

 

Or does this hate eventually transfer over to the next guy?

 

I can't see this being a healthy situation for her.

 

I'd hate to be her hiding, burying all that for the rest of my life.

 

Thanks!!

 

You have to be the bad guy to justify her affair. Later she'll want you to be her friend and kiss her ass.

[Myasylum]

Well after 7 days of no contact she sends me a message that she needs information from me for her attorney and needs to know where "we" should go from here.

 

I'm thinking... "we"?? Since when is this "we"?

 

Her and her cheating heart maybe.

 

I didn't respond. I was actually having the best day I've had since the split and didn't want to go down that rabbit hole.

 

Any idea what this may be about??

 

I'm thinking maybe she's just getting nervous because I haven't lifted a finger yet, and she's wondering what I'm doing.

 

I'm in no hurry.

[VeganButEatMyMeat]

Well after 7 days of no contact she sends me a message that she needs information from me for her attorney and needs to know where "we" should go from here.

 

I'm thinking... "we"?? Since when is this "we"?

 

Her and her cheating heart maybe.

 

I didn't respond. I was actually having the best day I've had since the split and didn't want to go down that rabbit hole.

 

Any idea what this may be about??

 

I'm thinking maybe she's just getting nervous because I haven't lifted a finger yet, and she's wondering what I'm doing.

 

I'm in no hurry.

 

Quit over thinking it. You need to text her, speed this divorce along. Listen... my wife cheated and left too. You are not the first person to get cheated on and surely won't be the last.

 

She thought enough of your 18+ years together to NOT respect you and break up with you in a decent way. She thought enough of your 18+ years together to seek, find, spread her legs for, and leave you for another man.

 

I know it's hard right now but if you don't read anything else read this: she destroyed this marriage. She no longer deserves to be married to you. IF you guys are ever going to be together it will be with a new marriage.. not this one. You divorce her, she begs, pleads to come back, she does what's needed to be done to repair the relationship. Then if one day, years from now you can ever holistically trust her, you can bring up marriage again.. a new marriage, from scratch. Not this cheating/lying/deceitful sham of a marriage.

 

-No, this was not your doing.

-No, there is nothing wrong with you.

-Yes, there is something wrong with her and she caused this.

-If you live a nice calm life, it does not ensure that the universe will return a nice calm existence.

 

This is your reality now. Don't fight it, surrender to your new reality, and face it head on. In 5yrs you can either look back at yourself as a weak man who pined for your cheating ex or a strong man who refused to be treated like less than a human, stood your ground, and kept your head high. That is 100% your control. Good luck sir.

[Buckeye2]

I think that my reply to another thread is relevant here:

 

Because there is someone else. She wants to divorce with you being the bad guy. Then she can meet a great guy (that she already has lined up) and "start" dating him. Then she can introduce this great guy that she met after the divorce to the family and ultimately get married. Very clean. OM would never date a married woman.

 

This is especially important for her if you have kids. It's difficult to have a new life with the other man (OM) when he's the guy that broke up the family. Even if the marriage has been bad for years everyone will blame the OM since he was the catalyst.

 

You should get a divorce. The only reason to delay is to reveal the real reason that it's happening now. That way she will be more of a bad guy than you.

[Just a Guy]

Hi My asylum, sorry to see you in this difficult situation. Others have given you good advice. I do hope you have engaged a lawyer and have worked on getting your ducks in a row. Your marriage is as dead as a dodo. No point shedding tears over it. Your stbx wife is certainly not doing so. Expose her within the family circle and friends. If you know who her OM is expose to his wife/GF if he has one. If your wife contacts you about anything ask her to tell her lawyer to speak to yours. Do not engage with her about anything except talk about your children. Learn how to implement the 180. Also, live well, enjoy yourself, go out with your friends and play golf or whatever it is that tickles your fancy. You are a free bird now not held back by domestic responsibilities in the way you were, when your wife was calling the shots. Discuss with your lawyer the possibility of bringing a charge of abandonment by your wife if it can be made to stick and keep a VAR on your person if she is ever around you just so she makes no false claims of physical abuse or something else against you.

 

I would not be surprised if a could or so months down the line she comes back to you, begging you to take her back. Be prepared for that eventuality and have your plan of action in case that happen, in place. For the rest of it, doff your hat at all the ladies you like in passing! Warm regards.

[FTD]

So...

After 18 years, my wife cheats on me.

Of course deny deny deny... I even have proof, but I can't tell her everything in case it's needed down the road.

Seemed like a few times she almost admitted it, but it was like she's just suddenly shake it off, and be like no I never have and said I was imagining things. Almost made me believe her for a second there.

Then she files divorce, won't look at me won't talk to me. Is suddenly bad mouthing me to anyone who will listen, and I'm just sitting here going... huh?

Now I realize I'm not prefect but geez?! She cheats on me and seems to make sound like I deserved it cuz I'm so terrible.

The sick part on my end is that I still have dreams about her that haunt me and I still want her back. I really shouldn't.

She won't talk to me, because I'm so terrible.

And if she has to talk to me, she just rips me to shreds, and she's sick of arguing with me... all I do is ask a question, and suddenly it's a argument.

I find myself starting a text to send her, just stating that I'm sorry for everything, but then I realize she probably doesn't care anyway, so I delete it. It's been 7 days now and no word. Recieved my papers, and nothing about no contact, but I guess it seems best. I know the other guy is around because my 15 year old told me so. (My imagination right?)

I have a 15 year old and a 18 year old.

I swear this is a different person than the person I was married too. It's really depressing to me, but for her it seems she's already moved on, so she feels nothing.

Seems she, just didn't just cheat on me, but it seems she's cheating life by avoiding any grieving what so ever.

Any advice?

 

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Your quote, "I swear this is a different person person than the person I married" is a sign that your wife may be in trouble.

 

You mentioned a child of 18 so I presume you and your wife are in your 40s?

 

My loving husband of 25 years (together for 30) walked out on me and the children with no warning the day after buying an expensive condo in secret. He committed adultery for the first time in our marriage, drained our bank accounts and told everyone vicious lies about me. The kids and I were almost foreclosed on. I hauled my husband off to a neurologist at a university hospital because I knew my soulmate, husband and best friend would never hurt us.

 

My husband was diagnosed with a common but underrecognized brain disorder called frontotemporal dementia that tends to strike people in their 40s and 50s, which is wrongly attributed to marital breakdown or "midlife crisis."

 

This disease destroys morals, inhibitions and emotions first first, not memory. It takes their soul.

[Steve51]

Unfortunately my experience with married women is that eventually they feel taken for granted. Do you tell her how sex she is every day? How much you love her. Take her out for a night on the town occasionally so she can get all dressed up? How about the sex. Do you make sure she is sexually satisfied and is there passion or is it the same routine every time?

 

What happens is that some guy comes along and makes them feel sexy and desirable just like they felt when you were in the courtship phase. There is also the problem of monogamy forcing her to expect you to meet all of her needs which no one person can, so she looks elsewhere.

 

My wife is 65 and feels like the sexiest woman on earth. She giggles when I try to grab her and we always spend a few minutes before bed telling each other how much we love the other. I used to buy my wife sexy dresses and take her to fancy clubs, casinos, etc.. She enjoyed the looks she got from both men and women. We are celebrating our 45th wedding anniversary next month. We never had kids so that helped our relationships. Couples start looking at each other as mommies and daddies, not hot lovers anymore. The kids get all the attention and your wife is tired but you really do not do much to make her feel desirable anymore.

 

I am lucky in that when my wife felt the need for some outside sex just for an ego boost, she included me and we played with just a handful of people together over the years. Not everyone's cup of tea but it worked for us. The main problem you have is that unless the cheater owns up to their cheating, the odds for divorcing go way up. In my younger days, over 40 years ago, I dated a few married women who were cougars. They were multiple cheaters, almost pros at it and had been forgiven once or twice before when caught. One said the trick was to deny, deny, deny because the husband will grasp at any straw to avoid divorce and eventually will believe the lies because he wants to. Read the article below.

 

Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater? Marriage Therapists Weigh In | HuffPost

[S2B]

She's isn't the woman you thought she was. She's now someone else.

 

And this stranger isn't someone who has your back - it's someone who betrayed you and your kids.

 

Get that divorce and get it fast! Ask for everything you can in the divorce papers you file - you may get half of what you request.

 

Expose her behavior to all! And don't say another word to her - only communicate through attorneys.

 

Communicate directly with your kids! Make sure they have cell phones and deal with them only.

 

 

Make sure your wife understands (through attorneys) that she's acting like a loon and a complete stranger and will be treated that way.

 

Adios to her - you don't know this new version of her... so just move forward knowing she's been a total farce.

 

Sit your kids down and be clear that her new behavior isn't something you agree with and never will... set a fine example for the kids with all words and actions. Guard them and protect them (especially from their Mom).

 

They can love her and not agree with her new actions.

[40somethingGuy]

All the above.

 

I'm kind of a mess right now.

 

I do want her back, however... she cheated on me, and after all the lies and manipulation... I don't think it would be good for me.

 

She won't talk to me anyway. She even told me that "I make her feel bad".

I'm like? "Make you"? So she's pushing me away to avoid all guilt.

 

I think it's best for me to move on, but it's hard.

 

Just? Where do I go from here? The trial is going to be difficult because I don't want the divorce, I just think I need to.

 

She is doing this to you because she can later enter in the OM publically and make it look like she had to leave cuz you are this and that. She knows what she did was wrong but chose to do it anyway and this way by making you the bad guy she doesn't appear to be as accountable to her actions. Especially with the kids. She'd rather you be the guy that caused the family to split rather than her own selfishness. But if you apologize for her deciding to betray you then you will suffer something terrible. EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE. Let your kids know (they are old enough) that you are not the reason the family split. Mom went in a different direction.

[Sparta]

OP why did you come here.!? You got some good people donating their precious time in their life for free just to help you out and you choose not to listen to one bit of advice so I ask why did you come here.?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, has the OP's wife reconciled with him? He's gone quiet, too quiet in fact so I was just wondering if everything is back to normal. Hope he is alright.