Anger problems and alcoholism.

[Protec]

I admit it. I have anger management issues and problems with alcohol.

 

I lost my soon-to-be-GF because of alcohol and anger issues last weekend.

 

What kind of tips you have for me?

 

How did you get rid of alcohol and how did you learn to control your anger?

 

I have been struggling with my anger issues ever since i was a kid, so it's not just about alcohol that causes a furious rage inside me.

 

I undergo therapy and it has helped, i already started to feel better but last weekend i lost my head again and lost the most amazing woman because of that.

 

I have now decided not to drink alcohol at all anymore, how can i keep it that way?

 

Also my anger causes problems, i say evil things, i threat people and i behave very aggressively when i get angry. Otherwise i am the nicest guy you probably know. I am very kind, sensitive and considerate man, but when i get angry i would like to burn the whole earth, including me. So i am pretty much completely opposite person when i become angry.

 

Any tip is more than welcome. I have lost too many people because i cannot control myself when i've drunk.

[bathtub-row]

Just my thoughts, but who you are when you're calm and who you are when you're angry = the person you are to others. You can't separate the two and say I'm a nice guy when...

 

I'm sure Hitler had 'nice guy' moments. Do you, overall, think he was a nice guy?

 

I'm not a therapist but I will say that sometimes you simply have to make choices and stay with them. You can talk it through, dig deep and find out why you behave the way you do but the bottom line is you HAVE to make better choices. Here's something to consider - the less you ALLOW yourself to react in an angry manner, the less you'll do it. You can basically rewire your brain to stop being addicted to this self-destructive behavior. And you are addicted to it, you just don't know it yet. There are also plenty of people who don't drink. It's not like giving up air.

 

No one does anything without some form of pay-off. Ask yourself what the pay-off is to your anger and to drinking. If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that the pay-off to anger is control, and the pay-off to drinking is to numb yourself out.

[preraph]

Well, you can get all kinds of great advice and support in AA. You need to do that. Ask the therapist if you would benefit from an anger management course as well or if it's ground already covered by the therapist. The great thing is today may be the first day of the rest of a better life now that you want to quit, so bravo. Get in AA though. It will get you through hard times. My best friend is 25 years sober. She still goes to meetings.

[Protec]

Just my thoughts, but who you are when you're calm and who you are when you're angry = the person you are to others. You can't separate the two and say I'm a nice guy when...

 

I'm sure Hitler had 'nice guy' moments. Do you, overall, think he was a nice guy?

 

I'm not a therapist but I will say that sometimes you simply have to make choices and stay with them. You can talk it through, dig deep and find out why you behave the way you do but the bottom line is you HAVE to make better choices. Here's something to consider - the less you ALLOW yourself to react in an angry manner, the less you'll do it. You can basically rewire your brain to stop being addicted to this self-destructive behavior. And you are addicted to it, you just don't know it yet. There are also plenty of people who don't drink. It's not like giving up air.

 

No one does anything without some form of pay-off. Ask yourself what the pay-off is to your anger and to drinking. If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that the pay-off to anger is control, and the pay-off to drinking is to numb yourself out.

 

I've had anger problems ever since i was a kid. I got picked on at school because i "exploded" so easily. I don't explode as easily anymore, actually i have pretty long fuse.

 

But this has to stop. IT has to. I just can't go into full berserk mode and kick lamp posts and mailboxes. And yes, i've done it sober too.

 

When i was a kid, i got angry about 3-5 times per day. Every single day at school. I think the core problem has started back then.

 

I mean i did not use alcohol until i was 22 years old, but my anger problems have followed me since i was a little kid. Since 5 years old...

 

I have started to think maybe i could have undiagnosed ADHD, ADD, or some sort of Autism spectrum disorder. Since what i have read about them,

similar sorts of "rage" is in those. And i admit my brain is wired bit differently.

 

I've been picked on my whole live and bullied since i was somehow different as a kid. No one really understood me and everyone thought i was a freak because of my "strange" sense of humor.

 

I know no matter what diagnose i get, it's not excuse to behave in certain way and that is not my intention at all. I just want to know why i get so angry so i can learn to control it, how to adjust my life..etc.

[TheWoman]

Um warning, this is an unusual and rather controversial response to your problem. And depending on a number of factors may or may not be possible or advisable for you....

 

Maybe try cannabis instead of alcohol. It's calming, relaxing and introspective. You're more likely to fall asleep than kick something or yell. Just like alcohol it is an intoxicant, so downtime only no driving of course. But I have seen it work wonders on people with similar issues. It will likely remove the desire to drink alcohol too.

 

Alcohol is the worst thing you can do with your underlying temperament, it will and clearly has made it worse. Of course abstinence and AA is great if you can do it.

 

Other helpful things to practice are mindfulness and gratitude, that's more of a long term strategy. Also learn meditation and or yoga. Eckhart Tolle is a good place to start for mindfulness. And try the head space app for an intro to meditation.

Edited September 5, 2017 by TheWoman

[bathtub-row]

I'm curious -- how did your parents respond to your anger? Were you an over-indulged child, or were they strict with you? Also, why would someone get picked on because of their strange sense of humor? I don't understand that one.

 

If you've done this since a young age then my guess is that it's going to be harder to control. Either you were spoiled as a child, or you actually do have a medical issue. Or it may just be learned behavior, and your chosen response to being bullied. If you practice not allowing yourself to get angry, you should be able to get a handle on it. But don't kid yourself, you lost a gf over this so I'm guessing it's still a very big issue even if you are older and more toned down.

[Protec]

I'm curious -- how did your parents respond to your anger? Were you an over-indulged child, or were they strict with you? Also, why would someone get picked on because of their strange sense of humor? I don't understand that one.

 

If you've done this since a young age then my guess is that it's going to be harder to control. Either you were spoiled as a child, or you actually do have a medical issue. Or it may just be learned behavior, and your chosen response to being bullied. If you practice not allowing yourself to get angry, you should be able to get a handle on it. But don't kid yourself, you lost a gf over this so I'm guessing it's still a very big issue even if you are older and more toned down.

 

I was usually pretty calm at home but in school i got picked a lot. And i just had strange sense of humor, no one understood my jokes. Everyone called me a weirdo etc. I've always had lots of imagination, and i am very creative person (i make music).

 

So i didn't choose to be picked on. I think i was just around with wrong people. Even these days i feel "strange" so on. But this woman i dated for few months wondered why people think that way. She laughed at my jokes and stories. We got a long so well...

 

I actually said a clerk at my local store "don't sell me alcohol. No matter how much i beg, don't sell it to me."

 

I've lost enough people in my life because of my anger issues. Alcohol just boosts the emotion i am having. So if i am happy and take alcohol, i become even more happy. But even though i was having fun last saturday, i felt angry earlier that day. Anyway, i really need to get this under control.

 

I was actually reported to a police. AGAIN. I am the nicest guy. Maybe i have other personality, i don't know. But every person i've told how i behave when i am angry, they don't believe me.

 

"You? Don't make me laugh. You seem like such a nice person. I can't really imagine you running around kicking mailboxes and yelling threats"

 

Yeah. I guess it is hard to imagine. Still. There is so much anger inside me. As i kept it all inside me during teen-years when i was bullied and picked on.

 

Even back then i had some very violent thoughts about my schoolmates. I even wanted to burn down my "friends" house.

 

I was too afraid to go talk to school nurse, or my parents, since i thought i would get into trouble or i would get bullied even more.

 

Anger can be useful if you can channel it right.

 

Motivational Anger - Like when being in Gym, little extra anger can give you better results.

 

Creative Anger, channel that anger to create some awesome agressive beats and melodies for people to enjoy.

 

But now...my anger was Destructive one. It comes so fast, i cannot react to it. It takes over my thoughts so fast i can't eve stop to think. It's like i am skipping the "getting irritated" step and go from Calm to full rage in a snap.

 

I hate this. I am really a very nice and jolly guy, i don't ever think any bad about people. I like to give gifts (when i can) and help people if possible (if someone needs help for example). I always try to smile and i am very polite to all people. I open doors to elderly people and hold door open if i see someone is coming in.

 

I just have no idea where that anger comes from...

[Michelle ma Belle]

There is no easy fix for either of these vices. They both required long-term professional support and that includes AA.

 

But like all things, seeing a therapist of any kind is step one. The real work, the hardest part of 'fixing' yourself comes when you leave the office and put in action everything you learned in therapy.

 

There is no way around it.

 

You want to learn what sets you off? Well, that's what therapy is for. Are you still seeing your therapist? If so, how often? What strategies have they put in place for you to deal with your outbursts?

 

If you're still going and it's been working and you're seeing improvement then just continue with it. Maybe step up your appointments. When you give into your old tenancies, you're basically making a conscious choice to go against what you're learning to do. Controlling your anger is like a muscle, the more you practice the better you get at it.

 

As for drinking, it's pretty straight forward, AA and your AA sponsor are your only and best support systems in staying sober and recognizing your triggers.

 

Good luck.

[bathtub-row]

I didn't say that you chose to be bullied. I said that anger was your chosen response to the bullying. I was married to someone who had big problems with anger and control. In his case, he didn't want to deal with working on it. It cost him his job and a few relationships. Would I say he's a bad guy? No. But I couldn't live with that kind of negativity in my life. So however you want to label it, most people aren't going to be able to live with it. I'm a little concerned that this angry music you refer to just fuels the fire -- for your anger and others. It's possible that you just have an over-abundance of testosterone. Hormones can certainly drive behavior.

 

Of course anger has its uses. But kicking mailboxes and things like that is a child's response. I agree that you need to get to the bottom of why this happens where you feel you have no control over your actions and responses. It's good that you want to find out what it's about.

[basil67]

Protec, the way you describe your school years, being picked on because you'd explode so easily, reminded me of another little guy who this used to happen to. His diagnosis was Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Or ODD. You may want to search up a description and see if you relate.

[Protec]

Protec, the way you describe your school years, being picked on because you'd explode so easily, reminded me of another little guy who this used to happen to. His diagnosis was Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Or ODD. You may want to search up a description and see if you relate.

 

"ODD: What to Look For

Children and adolescents with ODD are very quick to lose their tempers, often disobedient at home or at school, apt to ignore or rebel against rules, quick to blame others for mistakes or misbehavior, and prone to annoy others and be easily annoyed. "

 

Not me. I am the kindest person and i always follow the rules and obey authorities, including my parents. I hate people who brake the rules on the other hand. I have read about autism spectrum disorder and it seems those kind of symptoms fit better for me.

 

I just want to get to the root of this. I don't want to get diagnosis for ASD or any other illnesses. But my whole life i've felt i am different in some way, i've been bullied, called names, picked on because i was so "strange".

 

And i never had an idea how i am so strange. I just have very vivid imagination and most of the time i daydream.

 

I've always hated if i am underestimated. I hate being rejected even by a little. I hate people that break the rules (yes, i've broken rules). I've always believed that being nice and compassionate pays off. But usually i just end up being used and abused, cheated on, betrayed. And that is when my anger surfaces.

 

Something triggered me that night. Somehow i felt i was not wanted in the group that i was "pushed away".

 

But to say: I don't want diagnosis about something so i can just say "sorry, have this and that, that's why i am like this."

 

No. I want to know what is wrong with me so i can get correct help and understand myself better and how to fix it.

 

I have talked about my anger with my therapist, but i started doing better so it was kinda pushed back. And honestly, i was feeling better. I got my self-esteem back a bit, i felt like a human being again.

 

Therapy has helped. I don't rage if i am home alone. It always requires a trigger of some sort

[bummer]

how many days since you last drank?

[basil67]

Good to know you've ruled out ODD. You mentioned ASD....I know a bit about this because my son is autistic. The anger you see in an ASD meltdown is mostly related to overwhelming frustration/confusion/inability to communicate one's thoughts and needs. Do you relate to this description? Have you looked at the other diagnostic criteria for ASD? There's a lot of different bits and pieces in the diagnostic criteria.

 

Have you considered that your alcoholism could be a type of self medication? If you do have some type of disorder, it would not be surprising that you turned to alcohol as a coping method. Many good people have done the same. I'm not an expert, but I'd be looking at the alcohol issues in tandem with mental health issues. If you stop the alcohol but don't address the underlying causes.....that's not good.

 

Have you attended a polyclinic where you can get more thorough evaluation?

[Redhead14]

I admit it. I have anger management issues and problems with alcohol.

 

I lost my soon-to-be-GF because of alcohol and anger issues last weekend.

 

What kind of tips you have for me?

 

How did you get rid of alcohol and how did you learn to control your anger?

 

I have been struggling with my anger issues ever since i was a kid, so it's not just about alcohol that causes a furious rage inside me.

 

I undergo therapy and it has helped, i already started to feel better but last weekend i lost my head again and lost the most amazing woman because of that.

 

I have now decided not to drink alcohol at all anymore, how can i keep it that way?

 

Also my anger causes problems, i say evil things, i threat people and i behave very aggressively when i get angry. Otherwise i am the nicest guy you probably know. I am very kind, sensitive and considerate man, but when i get angry i would like to burn the whole earth, including me. So i am pretty much completely opposite person when i become angry.

 

Any tip is more than welcome. I have lost too many people because i cannot control myself when i've drunk.

 

You have anger problems and that's the reason you drink . . . You are self-medicating essentially. Until you unravel and resolve the anger problems, you will likely find it very, very difficult not to drink.

 

You are going to be addressing two things on your journey to a more healthy emotional life. You have to do both things simultaneously really. Even if you can stop drinking, you'll still have that anger problem. And, as much as it seems that the anger comes out when you're drinking, it's really more about the fact that you drink often and so you don't really know if that anger would come out otherwise.

 

You'll need to go to a very good rehab facility. One that provides counseling for your emotional history and can diagnose the root causes of your drinking problem. Drinking is a problem, but its not the root of all this. You can treat the drinking problem, but the anger will still be there.

[Chilli]

Yeah l looked for it in your stuff but didn't see it, have you tried dope.?

A joint or two a day could help , it chills most people right down.

 

l was also drinking way way too much for a few yrs but l was damned if l was gonna give up booze/

So what l did was switched to read wine in a cask and got glasses and said right, l can have 3 of these a day , that's it. only 3.

No more bottle beer or scotch or anything else, only as a treat now and then.

So that was 4 or 5 yrs ago and ever since, l stick to a cask wine and red so it's sorta good for me too , have my 3 glasses and that's it.

 

l could easily end up drinking all night before and l very often did.l was on the verge of becoming and alcoholic every day. but since my 3 glass thing l learnt to sip and make them last and that's all l ever have now.

Unless l go to a party or something.

Edited September 6, 2017 by Chilli

[Redhead14]

Yeah l looked for it in your stuff but didn't see it, have you tried dope.?

A joint or two a day could help , it chills most people right down.

 

l was also drinking way way too much for a few yrs but l was damned if l was gonna give up booze/

So what l did was switched to read wine in a cask and got glasses and said right, l can have 3 of these a day , that's it. only 3.

No more bottle beer or scotch or anything else, only as a treat now and then.

So that was 4 or 5 yrs ago and ever since, l stick to a cask wine and red so it's sorta good for me too , have my 3 glasses and that's it.

 

l could easily end up drinking all night before and l very often did.l was on the verge of becoming and alcoholic every day. but since my 3 glass thing l learnt to sip and make them last and that's all l ever have now.

Unless l go to a party or something.

 

Switching from one tool of masking and dealing with emotional issues to another is still an addiction and not addressing the root of the problem.

[Southern Sun]

Sometimes I think it's the nice, passive, kind, quiet people who are the angriest deep down. Something about not letting out their true feelings, or not even knowing what those true feelings are. Like, you are saying you are genuinely calm and obey authorities and feel upset when others don't. And yet...when you get some alcohol in your system, you are kicking down mailboxes.

 

Alcohol tends to turn off social inhibitions. All those feelings and behaviors you normally curtail are set free when you're drunk. It seems like there are some layers to this onion. Ever been in therapy?

[Protec]

how many days since you last drank?

'

 

4 days without alchol now. Last i drank alcohol was saturday evening.

I want to go to the nearby shop so badly and get WASTED. But that won't help my situation at all now will it... I am devastated. I am unable to eat, i can barely smile. I am very depressed about the thing i did last saturday.

 

I just lost control completely and became a passenger for a moment. Luckily, that "other me", does not want to hit people. I do understand hitting people is wrong, so i kicked the lamp post and mailbox to feel pain so i get back from my rage. It's strange but it works.

 

This was not the first time i punch something.

[Protec]

Sometimes I think it's the nice, passive, kind, quiet people who are the angriest deep down. Something about not letting out their true feelings, or not even knowing what those true feelings are. Like, you are saying you are genuinely calm and obey authorities and feel upset when others don't. And yet...when you get some alcohol in your system, you are kicking down mailboxes.

 

Alcohol tends to turn off social inhibitions. All those feelings and behaviors you normally curtail are set free when you're drunk. It seems like there are some layers to this onion. Ever been in therapy?

 

It's not like every time i drink i become raging lunatic. And last saturday, i drank a lot, also i was very tired and felt irritated even before the evening started, because i was tired and nervous that i meet her friends etc.

 

My wild guess is i got overstressed, too tired etc. too much alcohol, noise and new people around me and few words i misinterpreted...that did the trick.

 

Usually when i've been having alcohol i become more happy, talkative and i hug people because i love them.

 

This is what scares me. Two completely opposite sides.

 

I was drinking with that woman earlier last month. We drank a LOT, and i was having fun. I never said anything bad, no anger, nothing. So it is not just about the alcohol.

 

I've been in therapy for months now. Only once a week, so that is 45 mins per week so no miracles there.

 

Thereapy has helped, i have gained more self-esteem and finally started feeling like a human being, that is why i was brave enough to ask her out in the first place.

 

But anger is still there. It's somewhere so deep, i think i should try hypnotism. Someone needs to dig out the rage.

 

I have also been diagnosed with cyclothymia, but i don't think that is the correct diagnosis, since i've been having these anger problems since childhood.

 

And yes, i was a good kid. Teachers and everyone always said i am such a nice boy and behave so well. I always did my homework, always obeyd teachers and parents and everyone else. I never wanted to harm anyone.

I was even smart. I had good numbers in school but the anger...

[Chilli]

Switching from one tool of masking and dealing with emotional issues to another is still an addiction and not addressing the root of the problem.

 

Why not , worked for me.

Drinking was nothing to do with emotional issues for me, drinking was just me loving a drink, pure and simple.

Still love the stuff , but l can enjoy it in moderation now.

[bathtub-row]

I'm just curious. What are the kinds of things that happen that really set you off -- like what happened with your gf that made you so angry? What caused you to kick a lamppost? Just trying to get an idea as to the scale of things that get under your skin.

[Chilli]

There's nothing wrong with enjoying a drink or two at the end of the day, few billion Europeans have been enjoying it for centuries.

 

That's a totally different thing than drinking being a problem foe some people.

[Protec]

I'm just curious. What are the kinds of things that happen that really set you off -- like what happened with your gf that made you so angry? What caused you to kick a lamppost? Just trying to get an idea as to the scale of things that get under your skin.

 

I think i have some kind of an idea. It was combination of words that i misinterpreted and visual stimuli, also, i was tired that day. The only way, if i lose or am losing control, is to "hurt" myself. And usually i do that by punching something. First i kicked the lammpost, it did nothing, then i punched a mailbox = arm hurt. And i instantly i snapped out of it.

 

What i hate the most is the "GF" now sends me messages like "...i dreamed lot about us too, what would happen in the future. Too bad this happened."

 

I don't understand.Things can be fixed. It's not like i abused her violently. I understand why she doesn't trust me, but why couldn't we take it slow...see each other once a week and build up from there. Me going to therapy and anger management classes, whatever it takes to get rid of my inner demons?

 

This makes me feel even worse since she really liked me. She sent me a message that i really scared her that evening.

 

This makes me so sad...this whole event.

 

I lost a wonderful woman this time. Kind and sweet. But...honestly i don't think she would have not supported me at all with my struggle. I told her earlier that i go to therapy and i have struggled with depression.

[basil67]

It shouldn't be on a person to support a partner through their recovery from violent tendencies. I don't care if it was aimed at an inanimate object, your behaviour showed that you cannot control your temper and can be violent. This is a red flag that she MUST heed. Do things in the right order, get yourself sorted out and then find a partner.

 

As for those texts she's sending you, tell her that you feel bad enough already and you would appreciate if she stops sending such texts. If she doesn't stop, then block her.

[Redhead14]

But...honestly i don't think she would have not supported me at all with my struggle. -- You two were not married or even engaged. It is not her responsibility nor obligation on any level to support you in your struggle. This struggle is a huge one and it will take years to be able to manage effectively. Why would she date someone who scares her, even once, when there are so many people out there that don't/wouldn't?

 

It's not like i abused her violently. -- But you instilled fear in her. Fear is a powerful thing. She is being smart and removing herself from even the remote possibility that that anger could be turned on her. And, I would be willing to bet, that as time went on and you were together longer enough, it would be turned on her eventually. Your dating history doesn't include partners you'd spent that much time with. She has to assume you are a ticking bomb for her own safety.

 

Dating partners are not therapists or counselors. Dating should be fun not scary.