Anger problems and alcoholism.

[robaday]

Do you do any exercise? I ask because ever since I started my ability to handle my emotions has completely changed - also when you get really into it you dont want to drink so it has that combined effect. But you need to really get obsessive about it and find something you really enjoy.

[Protec]

But...honestly i don't think she would have not supported me at all with my struggle. -- You two were not married or even engaged. It is not her responsibility nor obligation on any level to support you in your struggle. This struggle is a huge one and it will take years to be able to manage effectively. Why would she date someone who scares her, even once, when there are so many people out there that don't/wouldn't?

 

It's not like i abused her violently. -- But you instilled fear in her. Fear is a powerful thing. She is being smart and removing herself from even the remote possibility that that anger could be turned on her. And, I would be willing to bet, that as time went on and you were together longer enough, it would be turned on her eventually. Your dating history doesn't include partners you'd spent that much time with. She has to assume you are a ticking bomb for her own safety.

 

Dating partners are not therapists or counselors. Dating should be fun not scary.

 

Couples must support each other during hard times. True, we were not couples yet and i understand her decicion. But i myself have forgiven cheating, violence towards me (nails deep in your neck hurt), i have been mentally abused, cheated, belittled, i always still try to fix things.

 

I still wonder why she would want to be my friend if i am a ticking timebomb.

 

"We can still try to be friends when the dust settles", she said.

 

Why?

 

Why does she want to be my friend. She has million friends already. She doesn't need me.

[Redhead14]

Couples must support each other during hard times. True, we were not couples yet and i understand her decicion. But i myself have forgiven cheating, violence towards me (nails deep in your neck hurt), i have been mentally abused, cheated, belittled, i always still try to fix things.

 

I still wonder why she would want to be my friend if i am a ticking timebomb.

 

"We can still try to be friends when the dust settles", she said.

 

Why?

 

Why does she want to be my friend. She has million friends already. She doesn't need me.

 

But i myself have forgiven cheating, violence towards me (nails deep in your neck hurt), i have been mentally abused, cheated, belittled, i always still try to fix things. -- That is not a healthy approach for you. If you are only dating someone, you don't try to fix anything. If they treat you that way, you end it. It is unacceptable behavior from a dating partner. It's unacceptable behavior for a committed partner. That's abuse. Most people won't tolerate that. And, if you have experienced all those things, it's no wonder you're carrying around so much anger and you are a likely candidate for carrying that forward into relationships.

 

She says she wants to be your friend because YOU need friends, I'd say.

[Blanco]

If this woman came to LS and posted about a guy she was just starting casually date having a violent outburst over, well, nothing, no one would advise her to give the guy a chance and work through it.

 

Couples should help and support each other get through hard times. That does not include turning a blind eye to violent outbursts.

[alphamale]

Any tip is more than welcome. I have lost too many people because i cannot control myself when i've drunk.

you have to admit that you have a problem and then submit to God. then get yourself into rehab and detox. AA meetings will help out a lot.

[bathtub-row]

Couples must support each other during hard times. True, we were not couples yet and i understand her decicion. But i myself have forgiven cheating, violence towards me (nails deep in your neck hurt), i have been mentally abused, cheated, belittled, i always still try to fix things.

 

I still wonder why she would want to be my friend if i am a ticking timebomb.

 

"We can still try to be friends when the dust settles", she said.

 

Why?

 

Why does she want to be my friend. She has million friends already. She doesn't need me.

 

Because she's like most women who find themselves in this kind of situation -- she's being too nice and doesn't understand that it's a road to destruction. This is one of the biggest downfalls for women and it consistently makes them victims.

 

Just a comment about being supportive. I get it that couples should support one another etc. But there comes a point when a relationship is far too abusive and unhealthy. Walking away isn't about support vs non-support. It's about knowing when to walk away, when it means your mental health, the welfare of your children, all that. Your ex-gf isn't really walking away and is leaving that door open. But, the truth is, humans - by nature - cannot sustain a relationship that's seeped in fear, anger, disrespect. So you probably will get back with her but it won't last as long as things stay the same. The writing is on the wall.

 

Btw, hitting inanimate objects is interpreted by others as an open threat. There's some part of you that knows this and you're using it to control those around you. Until you get to the root of the real reasons why you behave the way you do, this issue will haunt you all your life.

 

My ex used to get angry all the time because he "misunderstood" something that was being said. I can't tell you how many times I heard that excuse. But you know what? I misunderstand others every now and then and I have never once had the kind of reactions he had. The truth is, his anger was looking for an excuse to unleash itself. Alcohol, other people's words or actions -- all great excuses.

 

As I said before, you have to turn that switch off in your brain until the idea of acting out your anger is no longer an option. This doesn't mean you never get angry, it just means that you stop acting on it in the way you have been. Just because you get angry doesn't mean you need to put on a performance.

[Protec]

Because she's like most women who find themselves in this kind of situation -- she's being too nice and doesn't understand that it's a road to destruction. This is one of the biggest downfalls for women and it consistently makes them victims.

 

Just a comment about being supportive. I get it that couples should support one another etc. But there comes a point when a relationship is far too abusive and unhealthy. Walking away isn't about support vs non-support. It's about knowing when to walk away, when it means your mental health, the welfare of your children, all that. Your ex-gf isn't really walking away and is leaving that door open. But, the truth is, humans - by nature - cannot sustain a relationship that's seeped in fear, anger, disrespect. So you probably will get back with her but it won't last as long as things stay the same. The writing is on the wall.

 

Btw, hitting inanimate objects is interpreted by others as an open threat. There's some part of you that knows this and you're using it to control those around you. Until you get to the root of the real reasons why you behave the way you do, this issue will haunt you all your life.

 

My ex used to get angry all the time because he "misunderstood" something that was being said. I can't tell you how many times I heard that excuse. But you know what? I misunderstand others every now and then and I have never once had the kind of reactions he had. The truth is, his anger was looking for an excuse to unleash itself. Alcohol, other people's words or actions -- all great excuses.

 

As I said before, you have to turn that switch off in your brain until the idea of acting out your anger is no longer an option. This doesn't mean you never get angry, it just means that you stop acting on it in the way you have been. Just because you get angry doesn't mean you need to put on a performance.

 

Trust me. I did not want to get angry. I've had anger problems my whole life. I don't try to make excuses. This is 100% on me. I did not try to control her.

So please, i know i did wrong, and i paid a great price for my mishap, i lost a woman i really liked.

 

I have no excuses. It was me who decided to drink alcohol, it was me who decided to go out bowling even as i was tired. it was me who got angry about something because under too influence of alcohol. Everything could've been avoided.

 

So please. I know.

[Art_Critic]

All this talk about being an Alcoholic but have you even been to an AA meeting ?

 

I suggest you do that.. posting on an internet forum isn't going to fix that fact you're an Alcoholic.. only you can fix this.. why not start ?

[Art_Critic]

You need to do 90 days and 90 meetings.. you have been arrested for DV because of your drinking and have lost people close to you..

 

Call your local AA Chapter.. they have meetings in Finland

[Art_Critic]

https://alcoholics-anonymous.eu/meetings/rainbow-group-tampere-2/?tsml-day=5&tsml-region=835

 

Talk to your counselor about getting to a meeting if you can't find one and do it, quit for good and for all... day by day of course

[bathtub-row]

Trust me. I did not want to get angry. I've had anger problems my whole life. I don't try to make excuses. This is 100% on me. I did not try to control her.

So please, i know i did wrong, and i paid a great price for my mishap, i lost a woman i really liked.

 

I have no excuses. It was me who decided to drink alcohol, it was me who decided to go out bowling even as i was tired. it was me who got angry about something because under too influence of alcohol. Everything could've been avoided.

 

So please. I know.

 

Ok, fair enough. Understood. I think you already know these aren't easy fixes. It's very easy for someone with no attachment to alcohol at all to say they'll never take another drink again. It just makes no difference to that person. It's a very different thing when there is that attachment. I think the others are right that it would be good to start somewhere -- anger management or AA - or both. I hope you'll keep us posted on how you're doing.

[basil67]

Couples must support each other during hard times. True, we were not couples yet and i understand her decicion. But i myself have forgiven cheating, violence towards me (nails deep in your neck hurt), i have been mentally abused, cheated, belittled, i always still try to fix things.

 

You may choose to stick around in unhealthy relationships and try to fix them.

But conventional wisdom says that if a relationship is toxic or a partner shows risky behaviour that you need to get yourself the heck out of there.

 

Most people believe that feeling mentally and physically safe - and reducing personal risk - is more important than supporting a partner who's behaviours make you feel unsafe or potentially at risk.

[Protec]

Well, i guess i can celebrate a bit...i've been 1 week now without alcohol.

 

I've been very depressed the whole week, and even though i won a nice amount of money from a slot-machine, i still feel terrible for what i did.

 

I don't know why but i would love to have a drink or two. Just few cool beers to ease my mind...But i can't. I promised to myself and to my sister and to my therapist.

 

So i am drinking cola. This is hard but i have to go through this...

 

Next week i go to see psychiatrist and get another diagnose or at least talk about very mild medication. I need to get back on my feet.

 

I was already doing better, finally got over my ex, started to exercise again etc.

 

But now i literally came crashing down. I was so happy. Week ago, pretty much this same time, i was eating good dinner she prepared for me. Such a sweet gesture...

 

And i blew it all up.

 

But good thing is i've been without alcohol now.

 

If anyone else struggles with anger or alcohol problem, feel free to talk with me. We can all support each other. We are not bad persons, we just have issues we have to solve to become better persons.

[amaysngrace]

Live a clean life and increase your physical activity instead of self medicating. Also keep going for counseling to work through the pain that you feel the need to drink away.

 

Something is making you feel very bad about yourself and you need to address whatever that is head on.

[amaysngrace]

Just read your update and you're doing so well! Of course it's not going to be easy to give up drinking, if it were everyone would have aced it but you're on the right path so stick with it!

 

I'm sorry things didn't work out with your last GF but maybe you needed that experience to get you to where you are today you know? Like a stepping stone to get you someplace better?

 

I've found that the healthier I am in my mind the healthier the partners I attract tend to be. Not to say that she's not a good person or deserved to be hurt by you in any way but maybe just for you to recognize the relationship for what it was, forgive yourself and move on.

 

I admire you. It takes a great courage to make big changes!

[NuevoYorko]

The first step is AA and from there, if you follow what you will be taught there, you'll become clear about the further paths you need to take.

 

There is really nothing else to talk about. You can't and won't deal with your underlying issues until you remove the crutch of alcohol. If you prefer, you can waste many more months and years trying to find other ways; maybe you will. In your shoes I would not choose to take the time to try to find them.

 

 

Regarding the woman problems you have: NO. No self respecting woman would stay with a man who has rage and alcohol problems. Staying with a person who is unstable and a substance abuser is not "sticking with your partner through good times and bad." If you get your issues sorted out you won't stay with someone like that either.

 

Good luck, if you make it to AA please let us know how you're doing.

[Haydn]

I had a problem in the last year of uni. Was `mullered` rather too often.

 

The world of work changed it. I soon realised being `Bladdered` was not the best way to turn up for interviews.

 

If it`s really really serious then like others have said, get to AA. You need a support network.

 

Forget about girlfriends for now, the priority is getting clean.

 

I doubt it will be easy but there are others here who have come out the other side. So you have a network here too. But a physical one is essential.

 

It`s great when your straight` (Meaning sober)

[Protec]

Thanks for the support everyone.

 

I am very happy i managed to stay full week without alcohol. So i guess i am not that much hooked into it as i thought. Which is very GOOD.

 

Now i've realized i don't need alcohol to feel better. Of course this has been hard week for me anyway, because of what happened week ago. I still am bit depressed about it all.

 

I really lost a great woman this time. We already had future plans for xmas and both of us dreamt about future together, so i am very sad about what happened. And i will be for a long time.

 

It's not every year you find woman like that. I really did like her.

 

Anyway, i bought myself (1) ONE beer with dinner. I decided i can allow myself to have (1) ONE beer with dinner during weekends. No more. Just one or maybe i don't even need the one.

 

Anyway, after that one beer i felt normal. I had no feelings of sadness, rage, or anger or anything.

 

My biggest problem has been that i drink when i am depressed. I have usually used alcohol to get rid of the depressed feeling, and it usually just backfires.

 

I do intend to stay clean from now on. What i mean about being clean is, i don't have to get wasted. I can have 1 beer and leave it at that.

 

I am actually very surprised i managed to go sober the whole week and i still am sober. I mean, i lost a woman i cared about, i basically f'd up my future. I won money and even that win did not help to lighen up my mood.

 

Every time i want to get wasted i just need to recall the image in my head.

 

"You lost a woman because you get too drunk. Don't do it".

 

I don't have many friends. We have grown apart. I guess i have to try to make new ones and still learn how to be alone and enjoy life alone.

[Art_Critic]

Anyway, i bought myself (1) ONE beer with dinner. I decided i can allow myself to have (1) ONE beer with dinner during weekends. No more. Just one or maybe i don't even need the one.

 

Dude.. that isn't going to work.. you have to give up Alcohol..

 

You ever heard the saying that "one beer is too many and a 1000 isn't enough".. you live that so why not go get some help and quit drinking for good and for all...

 

You never even tried to quit for 2 weeks before you started drinking again..

 

I've been reading your threads for a long time and you have spoke of your drinking problem often so it's quite obvious you have one...

 

Something to think about:

 

Someone who DOESN'T have a drinking problem doesn't ask themselves if they have a problem...

 

So you have one and by the sounds of it you are an Alcoholic... now is the time to fix it...

[Protec]

Dude.. that isn't going to work.. you have to give up Alcohol..

 

You ever heard the saying that "one beer is too many and a 1000 isn't enough".. you live that so why not go get some help and quit drinking for good and for all...

 

You never even tried to quit for 2 weeks before you started drinking again..

 

I've been reading your threads for a long time and you have spoke of your drinking problem often so it's quite obvious you have one...

 

Something to think about:

 

Someone who DOESN'T have a drinking problem doesn't ask themselves if they have a problem...

 

So you have one and by the sounds of it you are an Alcoholic... now is the time to fix it...

 

Today i've been without alcohol again and i am doing fine

 

But i understand what you are saying. Couple years ago during the whole year all i drank was 6 beers, and that was one nice summer day with friends.

But you are right. 1 beer can lead to 2nd beer...and 2nd to 3rd...

 

I still hate myself for messing up with that woman. I mean i don't usually meet women easily, i've been in tinder for over half year, not a single date and on various other dating sites as well. Then i meet her, by coincidence (my pants ripped, she fixed them).

 

Then we meet each other few times, we talk and i noticed we have lot in common (hobbies) and we have very similar style of humour and being with her is very natural and easy... Her values about relationships and life matched with mine pretty much.

 

There are not many women like that out there...and i f'd it all up by going berserk about something ridiculous :/

 

Gosh i still hate myself. Not saying she was the perfect woman for me but still i would have loved to see where it all could have lead.

[Art_Critic]

That's all the denial talking.. remember that you have a disease that tells you it's okay to continue the behavior that got you in the place you are now..

 

You have to change the way you are thinking, get a support system and tools to stay sober and you MUST give up Alcohol...

 

This will just be a cycle for you and one that already keeps repeating..

 

Look at your title... you know you are an Alcoholic but you have convinced yourself it's okay to drink a little..

 

No it isn't..

[Protec]

That's all the denial talking.. remember that you have a disease that tells you it's okay to continue the behavior that got you in the place you are now..

 

You have to change the way you are thinking, get a support system and tools to stay sober and you MUST give up Alcohol...

 

This will just be a cycle for you and one that already keeps repeating..

 

Look at your title... you know you are an Alcoholic but you have convinced yourself it's okay to drink a little..

 

No it isn't..

 

Ten Warning Signs You’re An Alcoholic

The following are ten warning signs of alcoholism that might help answer the question “Am I an Alcoholic?”:

 

Drinking alone and in secrecy - I usually drink alone

Losing interest in other activities that were once enjoyable - More than before

Alcohol cravings - Sometimes

Making drinking a priority over responsibilities, such as employment and family - Never

 

Alcohol withdrawal symptoms (sweating, anxiety, etc.) - Maybe?

Extreme mood swings and irritability - True.

Feelings of guilt associated with drinking - Sometimes

Having a drink first thing in the morning - Never

Continuing to drink, despite health, financial and family problems - Sometimes

Inability to stop or control the amount of alcohol that’s consumed - Sometimes

 

I guess i am not full blown alcoholic yet, but i better stop it now before i turn into one.

[MidwestUSA]

You don't have to answer in the affirmative to each of those categories to be considered an alcoholic. What I see is you making excuses and minimizing. No more patting yourself on the back for being able to have just one with lunch, you CAN'T!

 

"Full blown" or not, until you realize that you cannot touch a drop, recovery is out of reach. How much longer are you going to delay this? What is it going to take? An arrest? Jail? Prosecution for domestic violence?

 

Get to work.

[basil67]

I'm still taking a slightly different approach to the alcohol. I am of the mind that if you're using alcohol to self medicate, it's a fools errand to try and give up alcohol without first (or at least concurrently) addressing your mental health problems.

 

Get yourself along to a polyclinic and work out a plan which addresses both your mental health and addiction problems.

[Art_Critic]

I guess i am not full blown alcoholic yet, but i better stop it now before i turn into one.

 

I think you are.. I have been reading your drinking issues on here for a long time.

 

BTW.. I'm an Alcoholic.. I have 30 years of continued sobriety and live a 12th step life WITHOUT Alcohol.

 

You posting this list is more denial trying to show you can drink like a normal person.. you can't..

Your life has become unmanageable and you have committed multiple cases of Domestic Violence against women in your life while being drunk, you have broken things and had the police contact you.

 

Get some help.. Call your local AA chapter..