Anger problems and alcoholism.

[GemmaUK]

Therapists can usually tell when a client is in denial and/or minimizing their "issues" . . . most clients don't show up for therapy if they only get angry once a year

 

Which is fine if the therapist is a good one.

Much the same as doctors though therapists either tend to have a general knowledge or a speciality.

Due to how the OP has explained his anger in here initially as being almost constant and lifelong and then more recently to only erupting once a year yet still lifelong it makes me think the best place to begin would be with someone who specialises in anger management.

[Protec]

You aren't being honest with your therapist at all.

You say you get angry once a year? That's when you get out of control angry and lash out with ACTUAL VIOLENCE.

 

Your last post is angry.

I'm just not close enough to kick - but also it's clear you're not quite at that level of angry yet.

 

I get angry, I have never once in my life hit anything nor anyone.

I don't shout and scream nor verbally abuse anyone.

I don't need to nor wish to because I am in control of my own emotions and understand completely where they come from and why so I am able to rationalise.

You kicked a phone box or lamppost or something because your gf was standing close to a friend you were out with.

 

Kiddo, your anger is not normal level anger. It's with you the majority of the time. Talk to your therapist properly and openly about it or you will never be able or get the chance to work on it and find ways to resolve it.

 

No, it's not normal level. Maybe i need to buy a punching bag...or start boxing so i can hit a punching bag.

 

I have talked to my thereapist about it. I have said every thing i've done. Maybe i need to change therapist then...

 

I just need to learn how to control it when i feel i am going overboard.

 

I never talked about my problems when i was in school. I was afraid of my friends would bully me even more. See what i did there. I call people who bullied me in school, friends. I didn't want to be alone in school, so i even i was picked on and bullied i still stayed with those people.

 

And later in life, with my ex-gf who mentally abused me, i still considered her my "love" "darling" "soulmate", it seems i am so afraid being left alone. That i even spend time with people who hurt me mentally.

 

I'm a lone wolf. I get along people just fine, but usually i have really nothing to talk with other people. I don't feel "connected" to others. It very rarely that i feel connected to someone, male or female (not in a romantic way).

 

So most of my life, i've felt alone. I've felt like no one understands me. I've been called a freak, strange, etc. and all i wanted was to have a good friend.

I've always been very nice towards people, i am loyal, trustworthy, kind and i have a good heart. All i received was bullying, being picked on, i've been called names, dumped, left alone.

 

So i guess i've developed some kind of "protection mode" for my self. When i feel threatened, being left alone, rejected, etc i go berserk. It could be that bad events remind me of being bullied etc. I mean, when i was in school i exploded 2-5 times a day. I never hurt anyone but boy i was furious.

 

So maybe it's trauma? Maybe i am just tired of bull**** i receive from eveyone. I have no idea why i am the outcast. I am perfectly normal man.

 

But ever since i've told my "friends" i am depressed. It feels they took even more distance to me. I don't know why i told them. I just felt they need to know.

¨

I hate violence. Only violence that should happen is in the movies or in combat sports. Not on streets.

 

You can just imagine how horrible i feel when i act that way and i snap out of it and realize "Oh my god what i have done?!".

 

The woman i dated few months who saw me "lose it", told me that it seemed like other personality took over me completely.

 

Maybe i should carry a stress ball or something with me, if i feel i start to lose it i could squeeeeze that ball so hard it makes my anger go away...

 

I do have a stressful life atm. I have no job, always low on cash, my bed is god awful so it's hard to get good, refreshing sleep.

 

I try to get a job or go back to school. Problem is that there are jobs i cannot do. I am allergic to almost every darn thing. Even new furniture cause me health issues because of the chemicals..

[amaysngrace]

My exH had anger problems and his dad made him hit a punching bag when he was younger. As an adult every time he got angry he'd punch holes in walls or even punch people around him because that's how he learned how to channel the anger....by becoming physically aggressive.

 

Bad idea.

[Protec]

I've been over a week without alcohol again. This is my new record in ages. I mean during 2 weeks time i've only had 1 small beer, and that was week ago.

 

But i still hate myself. I don't know how i get over that i caused the breakup between me and that woman.

 

One thing that makes me angry and grumpy too is lack of intimacy. No one to hug, no one to have intimate time with...and no, i don't do one night things.

 

And again i had to wake up 05:30 in the morning because of my upstair neighbours.

 

I hate this apartment. Thank god i am able to move soon...if everything goes fine.

[amaysngrace]

Congratulations on not drinking! That's a huge accomplishment and you should be very proud of yourself for that!

 

I'm sorry you and your GF broke up but it sounds like you needed things to happen as they did for you to recognize how truly bad things are.

 

I know it sounds hard to do but you should try to find the positive in things. Do you journal your feelings? I asked that before but never got an answer.

 

Anyway getting well takes time and it won't be easy. There's a lot of work involved when you want big changes but it's so worth it when you can finally get past what is holding you back and keeping you sick.

 

Have you found an AA meeting near you? How did that go?

[Protec]

Congratulations on not drinking! That's a huge accomplishment and you should be very proud of yourself for that!

 

I'm sorry you and your GF broke up but it sounds like you needed things to happen as they did for you to recognize how truly bad things are.

 

I know it sounds hard to do but you should try to find the positive in things. Do you journal your feelings? I asked that before but never got an answer.

 

Anyway getting well takes time and it won't be easy. There's a lot of work involved when you want big changes but it's so worth it when you can finally get past what is holding you back and keeping you sick.

 

Have you found an AA meeting near you? How did that go?

 

I have not been in AA meeting yet. I think alcohol is not the problem, my anger is. Now i've been able to be without alcohol for few weeks.

 

When i drink, i usually drink 6-8 beers. That is not much for a man who is almost 100 kilos. I have terrible "beer head" so i can't even drink that much.

 

But i have not yet decided not to go to a AA meeting.

 

My problem is my anger. Even when i am completely sober my mind, for some reason, finds everything very negative etc.

 

It's like i don't know how to be happy about anything.

 

I just got a new apartment ffs. It's not easy to get a new apartment from this city, it has just been renovated completely. Beautiful apartment with nice scenery to the ocean and still i just stress about everything.

 

I have a diagnosic for cyclothymia.

 

But i don't want any medication...not yet.

 

I know it's not just about being unemplyed, even when i had a steady job and income, i was angry even then. Even at work i almost exploded because the job i did was so boring and repetitive. I get bored easily.

 

But right now i feel good. Sun is shining. It's a nice weather. I am sober. I am about on my way to go IKEA to look some furniture for the new apartment.

 

I want to rise. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to ruin relationships anymore. I want to control my mind better.

 

I want to be happy.

[MidwestUSA]

You cannot turn 'have only had one beer this week' into 'without alcohol for few weeks'!

 

 

Thai is more denial and minimizing. Alcohol and anger are BOTH problems for you, and one exacerbates the other.

 

Stop counting your recovery by the week. Get into AA now.

 

You're full of excuses.

[Art_Critic]

I think alcohol is not the problem

 

Denial.. pure and simple.. Alcohol is a big part of the problem..

 

If you think you can just abstain and then go back you are wrong, each time you do this the damage will be greater and you will spiral further down.

 

Not sure where your bottom will be but unless you shake this denial and admit that Alcohol is a problem you won't roll this rock forward.

[Redhead14]

I have a diagnosic for cyclothymia.

 

But i don't want any medication...not yet. -- If that is an accurate diagnosis, you are medicating! You are self-medicating with alcohol! And, if you're worried that medication is bad for you, alcohol is worse.

 

And, the number 1 reason that people who need medication and are drinkers turn away from the medication is that taking medication means that you cannot/should not drink alcohol. They choose the alcohol . . .

Edited September 17, 2017 by Redhead14

[Protec]

I have a diagnosic for cyclothymia.

 

But i don't want any medication...not yet. -- If that is an accurate diagnosis, you are medicating! You are self-medicating with alcohol! And, if you're worried that medication is bad for you, alcohol is worse.

 

And, the number 1 reason that people who need medication and are drinkers turn away from the medication is that taking medication means that you cannot/should not drink alcohol. They choose the alcohol . . .

 

One small beer (0,3L) with dinner during 2 weeks is not self medicating. Sure, i try to be completely without. But it's not like i take one beer and go berserk and fly trough the walls. I am very satisfied with myself i could do even that, just being dumped and all. And i am going to keep getting better.

 

Reason why i don't want SSRI etc. medicines because i once used them for panic attack, and those side-symptoms were so bad..it was not worth it.

 

-Loss of all emotions aka. Living dead

-Horrible night sweating - had to switch bed sheets every night

-Nightmares - woke up screaming in the middle of night

-Erectile dysfunction - this was the worst. GF really liked that we couldn't have sex at all.

 

I just need to get my life back on tracks. And find people around me who like me.

 

I don't need judging. at all. I have issues and i have finally admitted to myself that "hey, you have anger problems, you are not ok." That's why i go to therapy. I think that is something.

[amaysngrace]

I don't understand something. If you don't think alcohol is a problem for you then why are you trying so hard to limit your consumption of it? Why do you keep track of every drink but over-exaggerate how long it's actually been?

[NuevoYorko]

I don't understand something. If you don't think alcohol is a problem for you then why are you trying so hard to limit your consumption of it? Why do you keep track of every drink but over-exaggerate how long it's actually been?

Because that is what alcoholics who are "white knuckling" it do. Textbook.

[Protec]

I don't understand something. If you don't think alcohol is a problem for you then why are you trying so hard to limit your consumption of it? Why do you keep track of every drink but over-exaggerate how long it's actually been?

 

Because i am depressed. During summer, i was drunk 2-4 times a week. For some reason sunny weather and being alone caused me to feel very anxious so i decided to be drunk. Hey, at least i was outside. Sitting alone in a forest on a cliff and drinking beer enjoying the nature.

 

Alcohol makes my depression worse. Yesterday i sat all day inside and watched movies the whole day. Die Hard marathon.

 

Because if i ever want to get better, and out from this depression or what ever this is, i cannot even take medication if i am drunk all the time. So first i need to get rid of alcohol.

 

It removes one factor that can cause depression and anger problems.

 

When i have alcohol eliminated, then i can think about medication etc.

 

I have not yet ruled out not to have medication...I don't really feel like myself anymore. I used to have so much energy few years ago.

 

I woke up every day at 07:30 working or not, first thing in the morning i did was put on my sneakers and run for 10-15km no matter if it rained or not.

 

I went to boxing and gym... I had so much more energy back then.

 

But i admit, being alone without GF is rough. No one to hug, no one to be intimate with...no one to talk to. My friends don't understand a word i am saying. My sister listens but she doesn't understand me either. Therapist "understands".

 

The woman i dated understood me a bit, and she was so supportive about my music and wanted me to do better in life. Then i f'd it all up.

 

I do my best. I will beat this. I want to be my old self again.

 

And the plus side cutting on alcohol is that i will most likely lose weight, i have gained about 10 kilos because of alcohol. Also i will save money and i can spend that money i save to something better, like starting a new hobby etc.

 

This is why i haven't asked to be with any friends at weekends. THey just usually drink beer and party. Even the new woman i dated partied a LOT.

 

So maybe she would not have been the right woman for me anyway.

 

I have changed my diet a bit, i eat more salads now, also i try to eat less. I am bit overweight (about 10 kilos) so that makes me tired too. I have also started drinkin less cola drinks, i try to sleep more and stay out of online dating sites (they REALLY make you depressed when you feel like no-one likes you).

Edited September 19, 2017 by Protec

[Protec]

I feel bit better now since i paid the Security Deposit for my new apartment

 

I am very excited. I hope it will feel more like home than this current one i am living in.

 

This apartment now is nice and ok, but somehow this just doesn't feel like home. I have very hard time relaxing and as much as i love making music, i have hard time concentrating even on that.

 

This just doesn't feel like home. You know. When i was week away from here and came back, usually you are "ahh...it's great to be home <3" but i was like "oh crap. Here i am again".

 

I seem to relax everywhere else but not at this apartment. Something about this makes me so tense all the time and nervous. I really hope changing apartment will help.

 

Home needs to feel like home.

[amaysngrace]

I hope you love living in your new place!

 

When do you move in?

[Redhead14]

One small beer (0,3L) with dinner during 2 weeks is not self medicating. Sure, i try to be completely without. But it's not like i take one beer and go berserk and fly trough the walls. I am very satisfied with myself i could do even that, just being dumped and all. And i am going to keep getting better.

 

Reason why i don't want SSRI etc. medicines because i once used them for panic attack, and those side-symptoms were so bad..it was not worth it.

 

-Loss of all emotions aka. Living dead

-Horrible night sweating - had to switch bed sheets every night

-Nightmares - woke up screaming in the middle of night

-Erectile dysfunction - this was the worst. GF really liked that we couldn't have sex at all.

 

I just need to get my life back on tracks. And find people around me who like me.

 

I don't need judging. at all. I have issues and i have finally admitted to myself that "hey, you have anger problems, you are not ok." That's why i go to therapy. I think that is something.

 

Yes, it is a good thing that you are getting therapy. You are on the path to resolving and managing all this. However, it will be a long journey and you need to fully embrace treatment but doing everything you possible can to help you be successful with it. It's a process, not an event. And, I am not judging you at all. I am pragmatic and direct in giving advice/viewpoint.

 

And, there are always side-effects and if you are receiving the "correct" medication and the diagnosis is correct, those side effects should subside at least as your system begins to tolerate the medication. If those side-effects are severe and the medication isn't doing what it's intended to do, the diagnosis may be incorrect, therefore, the medication isn't going to work. Just something to consider/explore . . . people sometimes receive changing diagnoses over time because the therapist, over time, begins to seeing other things. And, sometimes people have co-morbid conditions and so sometimes it's unclear until some time has passed during therapy. In addition, if you continue to drink at all while you are on medications like that, you are preventing the medication from being effective and putting yourself in danger by mixing them.

 

And, if alcohol contributes to your in ability to control your anger and results in even 1 significant violent outburst, you should refrain from drinking at all. One beer at dinner for someone else who doesn't have the issues you have is no big deal. But if you want to be sure that you don't have any more alcohol-fueled outbursts, you would serve yourself better to refrain from it because you don't know when you will decide to have a few more. Removing it from your routine is the best way to at least start on the path of helping yourself to take preventive action. You, yourself, said you have alcohol problems and you do. If you have even ONE uncontrollable and violent outburst per year and you attribute it to alcohol, it's a problem. And, you were drunk when you lashed out with your girlfriend. It wasn't that you were struggling with a break up with her at that point.

 

One small beer (0,3L) with dinner during 2 weeks is not self medicating. Sure, i try to be completely without. -- One beer with dinner over a 2 week period is one too many for someone who is in denial or simply doesn't understand the importance of avoiding it altogether.

 

Stick with the therapy. You do sound as though you're doing a little better at least as far as we can tell here. I wish you well in your journey.

[Protec]

I hope you love living in your new place!

 

When do you move in?

 

Should be November 1st.

 

I am having a terrible day after all. Few moments after i was very happy i sent message to the woman i dated few weeks ago (before the incident happened),

she sent me something that got me off the rails and i am so depressed now i want to drink beer.

 

I found out that my evil-ex has told some things to this woman (they know each other through a similar friend) and that's why she does not want to keep seeing me anymore.

 

"I've heard some things about you so it's pretty hard to forget...."

 

WHY DOES SHE BELIEVE SOMEONE LIKE HER!? My ex is total human garbage. She is a snake in human skin. Oh i regret the day i even told her i was seeing this woman. I thought she would be happy for me that i have finally found a new woman but no. She does everything to destroy me.

 

It's not enough she destroyed my mental health, but she wanted to destroy my relationship with this woman too. Few days before the incidet my ex's evil friend called this woman i dated and told her all kinds of stuffs about me. Some lies, soem truths.

 

GOD DAMNIT!

 

Yes. My ex tried to get me in jail for sexual abuse. It's not like anyone could even abuse her sexually since she opens her legs for practically any man.

She has even cheated her new fiancee once with me, and few months ago i even saw her in Tinder, and when i asked her about it she lied to my face "no, i am not in there." Funny, but after that she disappeared. Or, maybe she was there to check if i am in Tinder. Anyway, being engaged to someone, it's pretty cruel to look new people from place like Tinder.

 

Here we go again....

 

Soon this nightmare will end that i have finally got rid of evil people in my life (my ex).

 

This is a blow in my face, a minor setback.

Edited September 19, 2017 by Protec

[Protec]

 

Stick with the therapy. You do sound as though you're doing a little better at least as far as we can tell here. I wish you well in your journey.

 

Thank you. I try my best. Right now i am having a very hard time. But i guess not every journey is easy one. 2 steps forward 1 step back.

 

I will get better.

 

I hope i can take a picture of myself 1 year from now and show it to you guys and you will be like "wow! You look amazing and so happy! Well done!"

 

That's what i want to do :cry:

[amaysngrace]

If your exGF is going to believe bad things about you so easily it's probably best that's she's your EX.

 

I think you care too much what other people think of you. Screw 'em. The opinion you should value most is your own.

 

I'm going to have to disagree with you that you don't have an alcohol problem since when you are upset the very first thing you want to reach for is a beer.

 

That's not cool.

[MidwestUSA]

Should be November 1st.

 

I am having a terrible day after all. Few moments after i was very happy i sent message to the woman i dated few weeks ago (before the incident happened),

she sent me something that got me off the rails and i am so depressed now i want to drink beer.

 

I found out that my evil-ex has told some things to this woman (they know each other through a similar friend) and that's why she does not want to keep seeing me anymore.

 

"I've heard some things about you so it's pretty hard to forget...."

 

WHY DOES SHE BELIEVE SOMEONE LIKE HER!? My ex is total human garbage. She is a snake in human skin. Oh i regret the day i even told her i was seeing this woman. I thought she would be happy for me that i have finally found a new woman but no. She does everything to destroy me.

 

It's not enough she destroyed my mental health, but she wanted to destroy my relationship with this woman too. Few days before the incidet my ex's evil friend called this woman i dated and told her all kinds of stuffs about me. Some lies, soem truths.

 

GOD DAMNIT!

 

Yes. My ex tried to get me in jail for sexual abuse. It's not like anyone could even abuse her sexually since she opens her legs for practically any man.

She has even cheated her new fiancee once with me, and few months ago i even saw her in Tinder, and when i asked her about it she lied to my face "no, i am not in there." Funny, but after that she disappeared. Or, maybe she was there to check if i am in Tinder. Anyway, being engaged to someone, it's pretty cruel to look new people from place like Tinder.

 

Here we go again....

 

Soon this nightmare will end that i have finally got rid of evil people in my life (my ex).

 

This is a blow in my face, a minor setback.

 

 

The recent ex was looking for confirmation of your behavior, and you gave it to her. Only one person to blame for that.

 

So, why not tell her the truth? That you broke into a house. That you're lucky you're not in jail for assault charges. That you had a thing going with this ex while she was engaged to another guy (yes, it does take two. Why is it her fault?)

 

You're reaping what you've sown, do you realize that? All I see is blame shifting. No one ruined your mental health. I'm pretty sure anyone here who knows your history would have warned this woman to run and not look back if she were here asking.

 

So which is it today? You have a problem with alcohol or you don't?

 

You know there are more SSRIs out there than I can count; you have to stick with treatment until you find one that works. It seems as if you're stalling on every front. Pick one battle and get to it.

[NuevoYorko]

Should be November 1st.

 

I am having a terrible day after all. Few moments after i was very happy i sent message to the woman i dated few weeks ago (before the incident happened),

she sent me something that got me off the rails and i am so depressed now i want to drink beer.

 

You asked for it by messaging an ex, especially when she broke it off due to your rage problem/

 

"I've heard some things about you so it's pretty hard to forget...."

 

WHY DOES SHE BELIEVE SOMEONE LIKE HER!? My ex is total human garbage. She is a snake in human skin. Oh i regret the day i even told her i was seeing this woman. I thought she would be happy for me that i have finally found a new woman but no. She does everything to destroy me.

 

You must be kidding. You told your ex about your other ex and now you are complaining about how "evil" she is? Hard to wrap my mind around. If you think a person is evil it is unhealthy to keep in touch with them much less share details of your personal life with them. Again, you created this.

 

 

Yes. My ex tried to get me in jail for sexual abuse. It's not like anyone could even abuse her sexually since she opens her legs for practically any man.

I looked and saw that you have quite a few threads on here and one of them deals with you hitting that ex, if I remember it correctly. That earns jail.

 

You have a terrible attitude about women if you believe that sexual abuse can only happen to a chaste woman. It can happen to a prostitute and in a relationship with ones partner. Often does.

 

That whole post - in AA we call that "stinkin' thinkin'." We also call it "The Blame Game" and "taking someone else's inventory." The only person's shortcomings you need to be concerned with are your own; that is, if you actually want to do something about the condition of your life currently. Personal accountability.

 

I'm thinking you aren't there yet; I hope you do get there. Things can be so much better, there are a few on this thread who are living proof.

[Protec]

The recent ex was looking for confirmation of your behavior, and you gave it to her. Only one person to blame for that.

 

So, why not tell her the truth? That you broke into a house. That you're lucky you're not in jail for assault charges. That you had a thing going with this ex while she was engaged to another guy (yes, it does take two. Why is it her fault?)

 

You're reaping what you've sown, do you realize that? All I see is blame shifting. No one ruined your mental health. I'm pretty sure anyone here who knows your history would have warned this woman to run and not look back if she were here asking.

 

So which is it today? You have a problem with alcohol or you don't?

 

You know there are more SSRIs out there than I can count; you have to stick with treatment until you find one that works. It seems as if you're stalling on every front. Pick one battle and get to it.

 

 

She ruined my mental health. I was perfectly fine and happy before i started dating her. All her cheatings and mind games drove me almost insane. You have no idea what i had to go through. yeah yeah, i had the chance to leave anytime. Unfortunately life is not that black and white always.

 

And again i am feeling i am losing it. I sent a perfectly normal message to the woman i dated, it was a picture of my apartment with some candles lit

 

"I'm enjoying the evening in candlelight and some jazz music I don't know what people have said to you, i am not a bad person".

 

Then she sent me "DON'T EVER WRITE ME AGAIN!"

 

I have no idea what i did wrong or what i said wrong. I seriously feel that i am not human at all. I don't understand anything.

[GemmaUK]

She ruined my mental health. I was perfectly fine and happy before i started dating her.

So are you lying to us about your anger issues since you were a kid?

 

Then she sent me "DON'T EVER WRITE ME AGAIN!"

I have no idea what i did wrong or what i said wrong. I seriously feel that i am not human at all. I don't understand anything.

When you break up you quit contact.

You always seem to wish to continue it and then as Midwest said you blame shift to everyone else. Why?

 

You come here asking for help about anger and alcoholism, everyone suggests AA and anger management and yet again you ignore these suggestions.

You do this all the time OP. You always ignore advice given when yu ask for advice.

I'm not sure what you want form the forum OP.

There are steps you could take but you have to take them.

 

Take some responsibility for yourself and your actions, current and previous.

[Protec]

So are you lying to us about your anger issues since you were a kid?

 

 

When you break up you quit contact.

You always seem to wish to continue it and then as Midwest said you blame shift to everyone else. Why?

 

You come here asking for help about anger and alcoholism, everyone suggests AA and anger management and yet again you ignore these suggestions.

You do this all the time OP. You always ignore advice given when yu ask for advice.

I'm not sure what you want form the forum OP.

There are steps you could take but you have to take them.

 

Take some responsibility for yourself and your actions, current and previous.

 

I have not lied about my anger issues. But my ex drove me insane so i had to seek help from therapist etc. Never before i've felt like i am going insane but when i dated my ex.

 

Why is it that when you break up you quit contact? Who wrote that rule? SHE said to me "i want to stay friends". SHE SAID IT. Not me. If she doesn't want to stay friends then don't say you want to stay friends!

 

I don't know how to go to anger management classes. I need someone to take me there and AA as well. I can't get anything done these days anymore

 

What i want is support. Not to be judged all the time. Only person that doesn't jugde me is my therapist.

[amaysngrace]

I think it's probably good that she drove you to seek therapy since it sounds like it's helping.

 

She probably didn't like the picture you sent because it seemed romantic like you wanted her as FWB. That's why you don't stay friends with some people. They can't handle it even if they say they can.

 

She's whack.