Anger problems and alcoholism.

[whichwayisup]

It's good you're doing therapy, sounds like you need a twist with your counseling. Try Cbt, cognitive behavioral therapy. Will help with your anxiety and depression.

 

she sent me something that got me off the rails and i am so depressed now i want to drink beer.

 

Fact that this was your first reaction, to want to drink just shows that you need AA and a sponsor. Only good can come of this if you choose to go.

 

I assume you want to feel healthy and happy?

[GemmaUK]

Why is it that when you break up you quit contact? Who wrote that rule? SHE said to me "i want to stay friends". SHE SAID IT. Not me. If she doesn't want to stay friends then don't say you want to stay friends!

Often times it's just a thing people say to soften the blow or something said where the intent is for the future and in general - eg that you'll say hello to each other on the street when you bump into each other. It doesn't mean they want to keep up regular contact right after ending things. There was a reason she ended it, a very valid one.

 

I don't know how to go to anger management classes. I need someone to take me there and AA as well.

have you spoken to your therapist about wanting to go and wanting help going?

[Protec]

Often times it's just a thing people say to soften the blow or something said where the intent is for the future and in general - eg that you'll say hello to each other on the street when you bump into each other. It doesn't mean they want to keep up regular contact right after ending things. There was a reason she ended it, a very valid one.

 

 

have you spoken to your therapist about wanting to go and wanting help going?

 

 

Hi. Yes, i understand it's to soften the blow. But tell it to my brain. As my brain will understand it as "you've been lied to". And usually when i find out someone lies to me (yes, i am very, very gullible and naive) it triggers my anger.

 

And what i noticed as well, it's any kind of rejection that triggers my anger. It does not have to be "romantic" rejection, but i remember from my childhood

when i asked from my friend "hey can you play with me today?".

 

And he responded "no, sorry, i have other things to do so i am alone today".

 

Then later on i saw my other friend going to that friends house. I got so angry i went at my friends home and lifted him up against the wall "Don't NEVER LIE TO ME! If you don't want to play with me, just say it straight but don't lie!"

 

I was 12-13 years old then?

 

It's combination of "been lied to" or somehow someone has betrayed my trust that triggers it.

 

I know it sounds very ridiculous. But i am honest. I can say white lies and so on. But i would never lie to a friend or anyone about something like that. If i say, "let's be friends". I mean it. I mean it to the end of the world. If i say "I love you". i REALLY mean it. I don't say things for fun. And that is why i have hard time understanding other people. I mean my ex gf said that she loves me.

 

So i believe that. I believe it so much that she means it in the same way i do.

And then when they want to break up, i feel betrayed, i feel like i've been lied to.

 

In my mind there is a conversation like this "You said you loved me, why is it that you suddenly change your mind? Why do you say you love me if you change your mind only few weeks after saying it? Why did you lie to me? If you don't love me, then don't say it. I trusted you. I believed you. I gave my heart to you and i would have never left your side."

 

Yeah, i've become quite good analysing myself. Thanks to therapy.

 

But i am getting closer to the root of my anger.

 

IT's not always about rejection though. Of course when i was bullied i got angry too. But i don't get angry about physical pain. It's always something mental that triggers it.

 

My therapist is on vacation this week, but i will talk about AA and anger management classes with her.

 

It's only 45 minutes per week and that is very short time :/

 

I am sorry i dropped from the wagon. I will recollect myself now and start from scratch.

 

So here we go again: Day 1.

 

Sigh.

 

Yes. I want to be happy. Now i am kicking myself out from the door and go for a walk.

 

I started dating too soon... or at least the speed was too high. We saw each other suddenly 4 times a week. We should've taken it slower.

[Redhead14]

Thank you. I try my best. Right now i am having a very hard time. But i guess not every journey is easy one. 2 steps forward 1 step back.

 

I will get better.

 

I hope i can take a picture of myself 1 year from now and show it to you guys and you will be like "wow! You look amazing and so happy! Well done!"

 

That's what i want to do :cry:

 

It's OK to cry. You should let yourself cry. Crying is an outlet for stress and pent up emotions, etc. Cry for a little bit, let some of that stuff out and then pull yourself together and get focused on your life and your goals.

 

Enjoy your new place. A change of environment may be one of the things that helps you leave some things in the past.

 

See the future you want for yourself and do your very best to get there.

[Protec]

It's OK to cry. You should let yourself cry. Crying is an outlet for stress and pent up emotions, etc. Cry for a little bit, let some of that stuff out and then pull yourself together and get focused on your life and your goals.

 

Enjoy your new place. A change of environment may be one of the things that helps you leave some things in the past.

 

See the future you want for yourself and do your very best to get there.

 

Thank you I really hope i enjoy the new apartment. At least i finally have my own balcony and it's towards the ocean so i can watch the horizon.

 

I have tried to find out what is wrong with me and found interesting quote from an ASD site. (Autism Spectrum Disorder)

 

"If you break up with a autistic person and say "we can still be friends", we won't see that as a throwaway line, we will expect that friendship! And we'll often getting blamed for breaking confort zone boundaries with our exes further down the line because we took at your word"

 

That sounds so much like me. Lots of times, i've made a person angry, because they've said "we can stay friends". And i've actually thought they mean it.

 

Also it seems lots of times people misinterpret me and i usually get confused why i make some people angry, as i only had good intentions but for some reason i made them mad.

 

Just like now with this woman i dated. I have not said anything bad to her or about her after we broke up, but still she got mad and angry at me.

 

And i was very confused last night what i did wrong.

[Redhead14]

Thank you I really hope i enjoy the new apartment. At least i finally have my own balcony and it's towards the ocean so i can watch the horizon.

 

I have tried to find out what is wrong with me and found interesting quote from an ASD site. (Autism Spectrum Disorder)

 

"If you break up with a autistic person and say "we can still be friends", we won't see that as a throwaway line, we will expect that friendship! And we'll often getting blamed for breaking confort zone boundaries with our exes further down the line because we took at your word"

 

That sounds so much like me. Lots of times, i've made a person angry, because they've said "we can stay friends". And i've actually thought they mean it.

 

Also it seems lots of times people misinterpret me and i usually get confused why i make some people angry, as i only had good intentions but for some reason i made them mad.

 

Just like now with this woman i dated. I have not said anything bad to her or about her after we broke up, but still she got mad and angry at me.

 

And i was very confused last night what i did wrong.

 

but still she got mad and angry at me. -- Anger is often a "default" coping mechanism that allows someone to deal with hurt and disappointment and fear. Anger actually feels better than hurt, frustration, fear, etc. which helps a person distance themselves from being in a threatening or difficult position and that's useful if they manage it properly. Anger isn't an unhealthy thing, unless it's unmanaged/uncontrollable or violent.

[Protec]

Now, i don't want to have autism spectrum disorder, or any diagnosis. But truth is that these days i seriously struggle.

 

I feel very lonely in this strange world. I anger people i don't mean to, and i get angry when there is really nothing to get angry about.

 

When i started making music i came up with the quote "I can't change this world, but i can create another one". A world that i understand. Where others understand me. A world of music. I can finally express myself in a way that hopefully other people understand.

 

Maybe i need to see the psychiatrist and talk with him if i should be sent to tests to look for ASD or something similar... Once i find out the cause to my depression, then i can start to heal.

 

I mean. I've been the "strange guy" ever since i started school. I remember one of my girlfriends saying "I would love to open up your head and look inside.". Not literally, but she thought i was very different from the other men she had dated or knew.

 

It was 10 years ago.

 

It's just that when you constantly hear you are "strange", "weird", etc. you start believing it. Even my sister said "You are not like others. You are quite strange allright, but in a positive way".

 

Yes, i am artistic, i make music and have wild imagination. But why should that be a fault? I don't want to be normal, whatever that means. I want to be happy for being who i am.

 

That is probably one reason why i feel depressed. i feel like i don't fit in. I feel like i have nothing common with "normal" people. Smalltalk? I hate small talk. Why talk about something that doesn't lead to anything? If you give a topic and talk about something that i find interesting i can talk about it all day long. So usually i've seen as the "silent" type. But truth is, i am not silent. I just hate talking if it's about nothing.

So i rather be silent.

[Protec]

but still she got mad and angry at me. -- Anger is often a "default" coping mechanism that allows someone to deal with hurt and disappointment and fear. Anger actually feels better than hurt, frustration, fear, etc. which helps a person distance themselves from being in a threatening or difficult position and that's useful if they manage it properly. Anger isn't an unhealthy thing, unless it's unmanaged/uncontrollable or violent.

 

Yes. You are right. But i just don't understand what made her angry. Then i worsen the situation by sendin message "Why did you get angry? What did i do? I have not said anything to make you angry."

 

Then usually the other person gets even more angry.

 

Then they say evil things at me or hurt my feelings in some way, so then i become angry and say something i maybe should not say.

 

for example i could say something like

 

"Oh now you are angry at me? Why? What did i do to you? You are the one who lied to me about being friends! I am sorry what i did that night and i have apoligized many times, but you are the one who wanted to stay friends so why didn't you just tell me the truth that you want to get rid of me instead of lying! You liar! You are just like all the others. You say one thing but mean the opposite"

 

I DID NOT SEND HER MESSAGE LIKE THIS!

 

But i could've. Because i get hurt and feel like they attack me when they get angry at me for no reason. I feel violated. It feels like someone punches me in the face for no reason. Not literally, but you get my point.

 

This is my problem. This is how usually everything gets started.

 

I have good intentions, other person mis-interprets it or somehow get angry -> i get emotionally hurt -> i get angry etc.

 

I need to write this down on paper. This is some good self analyzing here.

[Redhead14]

Yes. You are right. But i just don't understand what made her angry. Then i worsen the situation by sendin message "Why did you get angry? What did i do? I have not said anything to make you angry."

 

Then usually the other person gets even more angry.

 

Then they say evil things at me or hurt my feelings in some way, so then i become angry and say something i maybe should not say.

 

for example i could say something like

 

"Oh now you are angry at me? Why? What did i do to you? You are the one who lied to me about being friends! I am sorry what i did that night and i have apoligized many times, but you are the one who wanted to stay friends so why didn't you just tell me the truth that you want to get rid of me instead of lying! You liar! You are just like all the others. You say one thing but mean the opposite"

 

I DID NOT SEND HER MESSAGE LIKE THIS!

 

But i could've. Because i get hurt and feel like they attack me when they get angry at me for no reason. I feel violated. It feels like someone punches me in the face for no reason. Not literally, but you get my point.

 

This is my problem. This is how usually everything gets started.

 

I have good intentions, other person mis-interprets it or somehow get angry -> i get emotionally hurt -> i get angry etc.

 

I need to write this down on paper. This is some good self analyzing here.

"Oh now you are angry at me? Why? What did i do to you? You are the one who lied to me about being friends! I am sorry what i did that night and i have apoligized many times, but you are the one who wanted to stay friends so why didn't you just tell me the truth that you want to get rid of me instead of lying! You liar! You are just like all the others. You say one thing but mean the opposite"

 

When someone is angry, it's not a good idea to try to call them out on anything. It's best to let it be for a bit at least. It's not a good idea with respond to anger with anger. All that does is fuel the situation. She told she wanted to just be friends, which is usually just a soft way of ending a relationship and creating some distance. So, you just need to respect her wishes and let it be.

 

But i just don't understand what made her angry. -- As I recall, you say that you responded violently to something which caused her to become angry/fearful and that's why she backed off.

 

These kinds of situations are difficult to untangle after the fact. It's OK to try to figure it out, but at some point you just need to let it go. And, in the end, it's probably just about poor communication skills and lack of self-awareness.

 

Work on all this in therapy and leave it there. When you are not in the therapist's office, you are focusing on your new place and using any tools/guidance the therapist may have given you to work with.

 

I've been the "strange guy" ever since i started school -- This is where you need to start in your therapy. Focus more on your early childhood than on "current" situations. You need to start at the beginning in order to get to the end in an organized way.

Edited September 20, 2017 by Redhead14

[Protec]

"Oh now you are angry at me? Why? What did i do to you? You are the one who lied to me about being friends! I am sorry what i did that night and i have apoligized many times, but you are the one who wanted to stay friends so why didn't you just tell me the truth that you want to get rid of me instead of lying! You liar! You are just like all the others. You say one thing but mean the opposite"

 

When someone is angry, it's not a good idea to try to call them out on anything. It's best to let it be for a bit at least. It's not a good idea with respond to anger with anger. All that does is fuel the situation. She told she wanted to just be friends, which is usually just a soft way of ending a relationship and creating some distance. So, you just need to respect her wishes and let it be.

 

But i just don't understand what made her angry. -- As I recall, you say that you responded violently to something which caused her to become angry/fearful and that's why she backed off.

 

These kinds of situations are difficult to untangle after the fact. It's OK to try to figure it out, but at some point you just need to let it go. And, in the end, it's probably just about poor communication skills and lack of self-awareness.

 

Work on all this in therapy and leave it there. When you are not in the therapist's office, you are focusing on your new place and using any tools/guidance the therapist may have given you to work with.

 

I've been the "strange guy" ever since i started school -- This is where you need to start in your therapy. Focus more on your early childhood than on "current" situations. You need to start at the beginning in order to get to the end in an organized way.

 

Yes. I understand she was angry at THAT DAY and few days before i lost my temper. But i cannot understand why she is still angry.

 

I am reading books about Aspergers and explosive rage in childrens...and that fits into me very well... I always asked people to stop, but after asking and people still continued bullying, i usually lost my temper since it was my way of getting out of the situation. I didn't know anything else.

 

But this is definitely now the right way i am heading. Thank you.

[amaysngrace]

I need to write this down on paper. This is some good self analyzing here.

 

Yes! That's what I've been saying!! Journaling can be so helpful when thoughts are spinning inside your head.

 

I really hope you start doing that for your own peace of mind.

[Protec]

Yes! That's what I've been saying!! Journaling can be so helpful when thoughts are spinning inside your head.

 

I really hope you start doing that for your own peace of mind.

 

Well, it seems usually i use web forums as my journal. Maybe i should start a "web journal"...

 

I noticed i may go through another depressive episode. I have just spent days inside, i feel depressed and sad. I think the "breakup" with this woman really hit me hard this time.

 

I could go to gym and make music and everything but somehow nothing interests me right now... I just want to sit and watch TV series from netflix (friends).

 

But i know i will rise up from here again. This is not the first time i feel like this.

 

Also the days are getting colder and darker here in finland, so lack of sunshine also starts to affect. I could just sleep, sleep and sleep.

 

I need to getmyself some fridge magnets and put a timetable on my fridge.

 

"MON 11-13 GYM

"TUE 10-15 MAKE MUSIC RELATED STUFF"

"WED 08-09 GO JOGGING"

"THU 11-13 GYM"

 

and so on. maybe that way i could get my life back on track again...

[amaysngrace]

I don't know about a web journal. To me it seems you may hold back on some thoughts and feelings if you know others will have the ability to view it too.

 

But whatever works for you to get you to your happy place I guess. Just to me that seems so impersonal on what I think should be a very personal journey but to each his own.

 

How has the non-drinking been going?

[Protec]

I don't know about a web journal. To me it seems you may hold back on some thoughts and feelings if you know others will have the ability to view it too.

 

But whatever works for you to get you to your happy place I guess. Just to me that seems so impersonal on what I think should be a very personal journey but to each his own.

 

How has the non-drinking been going?

 

Struggling.

 

I am going through a depression again. But i guess i am starting to feel better already. At least i've been able to sleep well. I have not slept this well in months. I jumped in my bed and fell asleep almost instantly and not once woke up during night.

 

But i spend my days watching tv-series, surfing the internet. etc.

But i am starting to feel more energetic. IT takes usually few days / weeks until i get back on my feet. _not the first time this is happening.

But i do feel better than let's say, week ago.

 

I guess i need to talk about the possibility of taking medication. I do use alcohol to medicate myself. And for some reason after drinkin, even just few drinks, next day i feel better. So i guess the damage has already happened.

 

Being without alcohol makes me depressed and anxious.

 

I remember when i was 22 years old, i was working in a game store, my GF left me and i remember how i started to take alcohol always when my shift ended. I used the bus to travel so i had no worries about driving. So my shift ended, i went to the shop and got myself a drink. When i got home i went to another shop and got few more.

 

To shut down my brain. As i call it. Usually my head feels like a "TV" and i am switching channels all the time. I have so many thoughts in my head. When i get few drinks my brains "slow down". Suddenly i am able to concentrate better, no more "noise" in my brain.

 

I guess i need to talk with my therapist. My sister promised to pay for psychiatrist if i decide to go....

 

There has always been noise in my brain. But when i drive a car i am able to shut down my other thoughts and concentrate on driving, that is maybe why i like to play videogames too when i am depressed etc. then i focus on the videogame and not other stuff.

 

I am unable to sit still in a silent room. I need something to stimulate myself.

And i do get bored very easily. When i was working in a shop (as salesperson), i got bored in 2 months. Then i start to get irritated, angry, bored, etc because i feel that job has nothing to offer me anymore. It doesn't "stimulate" me. Then i start to play these mind games to keep it exciting.

 

Like for example, my boss told me to get an item from the warehouse. It was a carton special photograph paper. I named it "X-10".

 

Then i roleplayed a secret agent "Your mission is to infiltrate enemy warehouse and steal secrec X-10 prototype paper and send it forward"

 

Of course i don't think i am secret agent. But it was the only way to keep me entertained about that job. It was so boring. Same things every day...

 

So that is maybe one reason why i drink. I am bored.

[amaysngrace]

Journal to get those thoughts out. Don't take med. Thats not much better than numbing the pain with alcohol.

 

Do you think you're the only one who has ever had thoughts spinning inside their head? Guess again.

 

You can get through this but it's going to take actual effort on your part. If you're just looking for an easy way out at least own it.

[Art_Critic]

It took me about 2.5 months before the fog started to clear and my head stopped spinning and thoughts started slowing down.

While your Blood Alcohol Content goes away rather quickly the after effects of Alcohol on your brain and emotions takes a while to go away.

 

This is what you are feeling Protec... the Alcohol has pickled your brain and it can take a long time to clear.

 

Removing Alcohol is causing you body to Detox itself from the effects of drinking too much..

The effect of Alcohol for an Alcoholic lasts more than a few hrs, it took me MONTHS for my head to stop racing.

 

Eat well and DON'T drink at ALL and wait this out for a couple/few months and your head will clear and you will be able to start to think again.

[Protec]

This is what you are feeling Protec... the Alcohol has pickled your brain and it can take a long time to clear.

 

Removing Alcohol is causing you body to Detox itself from the effects of drinking too much..

The effect of Alcohol for an Alcoholic lasts more than a few hrs, it took me MONTHS for my head to stop racing.

 

Eat well and DON'T drink at ALL and wait this out for a couple/few months and your head will clear and you will be able to start to think again.

 

No, it's not about not being able to think. My head has always been in a state like that. I remember when i was in 14-18 years old and my head never stopped thinking. I did not use alcohol back then at all. I think it may have something to do with my cyclothymia.

 

I really don't want to admit i have something like that. but again, after feeling 2 weeks very depressed, now my head feels light, i feel more positive about everythin and i feel much more energetic.

 

I do get these "depression" weeks when i just sit in my couch and watch tv. Now as i feel better mentally, i've spent more time outside and have planned about my music project. I get something done again.

 

I have my therapy session thursday, i try to talk with my therapist about my drinking.

 

I don't know why my mood goes up and down, nothing has changed in my life but suddenly i feel better again.

 

I do admit when i feel better my self-esteem is better as well. I feel i can succeed whatever i am goind to do. I feel more brave, i look people into eyes when i talk with them etc. Sky is beautiful (even if it's raining), everything is fine. I love music, i love myself etc.

 

And when i have these depression weeks i feel like i could sell my all music equipment, everything is pointless, life is boring, everyone is stupid, etc.

 

It's tough.

[Protec]

And now the woman removed me completely from WhatsApp. Why?

I have not sent anything to her in few days.

 

Yesterday i checked she still was in my whatsapp.

 

It seems she was another lying sack of sh*t i've encountered countless of times.

 

"oh you are so fun and nice! "you smell so good!" etc. then one, ONE MISTAKE, and they erase you from your life like you never existed.

 

"We can stay friends.".

 

GOD i am angry. I am so angry i want to go to her shop and rip down the shelf i installed just month ago when she asked so nicely.

 

"Could you come and install the few shelves to my shop? I cannot do it myself".

 

ARGH!

 

"HERE! Here are your shelves now! DOn't EVER, EVER LIE TO ME AGAIN! F-you, f-your friends and f-everyone."

 

I am so fed up with people. Everyone lies, deceives, they say they are your friends and care about you but when you make one mistake they ditch you like a rotten apple.

 

They are all two-faced. How the f'k am i supposed to trust people? Since EVERY ONE has always lied to me my whole life. "Let's be friends". Nope. In some kind of bizarro world (where i apparently live in), it means : I don't want to be your friend but it was nice to know you.

 

I love you - As long as you are nice and play by the book, i love you. Make one mistake and i make sure i erase you from my life just as fast you came into it.

 

I care about you - I say this just to make you feel better. I care about you, but once this is over, i don't care even if you die. Oh, and i will block you so even if you'd need help, i am not going to help.

 

Oh. And i got the new apartment. WOOP.

[knabe]

Have you ever read about dysphoric mania? A lot of people think mania is only extreme energy and over spending and wild, euphoric sex. But no....DYSPHORIC mania is relentless thoughts and at time uncontrollable rage.

 

If you tend to go in cycles, I would ask your therapist about this.

 

Oh, and congrats on the apartment.

 

And regardless of what some may say about meds, in some cases, that is like telling a diabetic not to take insulin. Meds CAN be a good thing in conjunction with therapy.

[Protec]

Have you ever read about dysphoric mania? A lot of people think mania is only extreme energy and over spending and wild, euphoric sex. But no....DYSPHORIC mania is relentless thoughts and at time uncontrollable rage.

 

If you tend to go in cycles, I would ask your therapist about this.

 

Oh, and congrats on the apartment.

 

And regardless of what some may say about meds, in some cases, that is like telling a diabetic not to take insulin. Meds CAN be a good thing in conjunction with therapy.

 

Yes, i have talked with my psychiatrist about my "cycle" and i have noticed now to have more energy etc. but also i am very quick tempere atm. Even people standing close to me in shop irritate me. I just want to be alone.

 

Also fell off the wagon yesterday. I was supposed to be happy about the new apartment, but i wasn't all i did was angry about that woman erasing me from her life. I sent text message why she erased me "NOW JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!".

 

I got so depressed and angry (not angry at her, at myself) i decided to go and buy alcohol. Here i am, having a hangover and i need to leave to therapist.

 

Do i feel good? No. Absolutely not. Did i feel good at evening? No. Absolutely not. I think this time i got wasted to actually punish myself. So, kind of self-destructive behaviour.

 

I feel alwul. Failed and miserable. I was so happy i managed to do 2 weeks with only one beer. But positive side: I know i can do 2 weeks. I did it once, i can do it again.

 

Now i did myself a calendar. Every day i am without alcohol i will put a check marker on it. And at the end of each week, there is a prize. Nothing big, maybe candy, rent a movie, something. The money i save from not drinking, i can use part of it for something good and nice.

 

This is my new plan. Reward myself for not drinking.

 

yesterday when i was angry i tried to really hard to think "Why are you angry?" I was angry because she was mean towards me, i was angry because i caused it, i was angry because i couldn't fix it, i was angry because i lost a nice person. I was angry because she thinks i am a lunatic.

 

And no matter how i tried "it's ok, everything is going to be all right, you have gotten through worse." It did not help. It's so powerful. It lasted for almost 2 hours and then it got over by itself. It's a reaction, it's my body, not my mind. I measured my heartbeat when i was angry, it was around 100. My breathing is faster. It's like i am preparing to fight and there is nothing to fight at!

 

That's why i kick a lamp post. I have to get that anger out of my system in some way. Yesterday i held it back. It felt horrible but i had to hold it back.

 

So...this is kind of a bad thing i guess. It's so rooted in me, that just the knowledge that she had blocked me and textmessage from her "don't write me etc." gets me so angry that my body prepares to fight someone.

 

I guess it's flight-or-fight response. But man, just from a simple message? I even got the apartment! I was supposed to be happy and dancing.

 

I am not ok.

[amaysngrace]

Did you put those shelves up with hopes of getting something from her in return?

[Art_Critic]

I got so depressed and angry (not angry at her, at myself) i decided to go and buy alcohol. Here i am, having a hangover and i need to leave to therapist.

 

Protec, people on the internet can't help you, you have to help yourself.. by taking yourself to AA and finally admitting you are powerless over Alcohol..

 

She isn't your biggest problem and neither is your anger.. you are your own worst enemy and ALCOHOL IS the biggest problem you have.. stop minimizing it.

 

Your denial is unwavering and is really obvious to the outsider...

 

I've helped many people on the internet and LS sober up, most of them today are still sober but I can't seem to help you, you have a comeback for every thing I say and ignore the fact you are an Alcoholic when I discuss it.

 

Good Luck and remember to eat well and don't drink.. when you have the urge to drink call a friend or your sister instead of buying any Alcohol or post here on LS.

 

~Art

[Protec]

New start.

 

New month. 1st day. Here we go!

[Protec]

Protec, people on the internet can't help you, you have to help yourself.. by taking yourself to AA and finally admitting you are powerless over Alcohol..

 

She isn't your biggest problem and neither is your anger.. you are your own worst enemy and ALCOHOL IS the biggest problem you have.. stop minimizing it.

 

Your denial is unwavering and is really obvious to the outsider...

 

I've helped many people on the internet and LS sober up, most of them today are still sober but I can't seem to help you, you have a comeback for every thing I say and ignore the fact you are an Alcoholic when I discuss it.

 

Good Luck and remember to eat well and don't drink.. when you have the urge to drink call a friend or your sister instead of buying any Alcohol or post here on LS.

 

~Art

 

Trust me, alkohol is not my worst problem. I've had these issues of mine when i was a kid. And i did not start drinking until i was 22-23 years old.

I was sober until then.

 

Sure, alcohol doesn't help my problems to go away, but alcohol is not causing them. Something else is and i am using alcohol as medicine, as it temporarily eases me. I can be days without drinkin, so apparently i am not hooked. I don't have to take a drink first thing in the morning.

 

And yes, i admit i too drink too often, but i don't drink every day. And i try to be without alcohol as much as i can. But alcohol is not the cause of my problems, sure, i makes emotions stronger, but something else causes those emotions and yes, i've done stupid things under influence of alcohol, so alcohol does not work with me always that well.

 

I've never had even a sip of alcohol when i was teen, but for some reason i bursted in full rage mode, i felt lonely, isolated, strange, i daydreamed a lot, i felt anxious because i felt i am the only person on this earth that understands me.

 

I talked with my therapist this week. I have thought about my past a lot, and my behavioral pattern has been pretty much the same since my childhood.

Having emotion control problems, having a meltdown for something ridiculous thing etc.

 

So alcohol has not caused those because i was about 8 years old.

 

My problems are caused by wide mood swings. I have started to suspect that maybe i have some sort of Autism Spectrum Disorder, since i've pretty much felt lonely my whole life, and that's why losing a GF hurts to me so badly. Because finally i don't feel lonely, i feel i belong somewhere, that someone understands me. When i am with my friends, deep inside me i still feel lonely. It's been like this even since i was in school. Well i was picked on a lot because for some reason i was "strange" for having a sense of humour that others did not understand.

 

Maybe i should've become a stand up comedian after all...

 

Anyway, i try to stay from alcohol, but now more important thing is to find out why i behave in such a way?

 

I could make countless of stupid examples that make my life difficult.

 

Like furniture. Everything has to be in same place - ALWAYS. Otherwise i will go berzerk. I don't know if it's the feeling of safety. I feel safe when everything is at the same place, familiar. If something changes, i feel unease, suddenly it's different. When i was a kid, i went nuts because living room tv was 1cm off. I came home from school and when i got to the living room

 

"WHO HAS TOUCHED TV?! It's MOVED!"

"It's in the exact same position as before"

"No it's not! See! The markings on the carpet are 1cm off!!"

 

Then i could not watch tv before the tv was EXACTLY on the same spot as before.

 

That is one thing i remember when i was a kid. Everything had to be always in the same place. Even now when i am older.

 

At some point something happened to me because when i was younger i did not have problems with furniture moving.

 

It's something else, i'm gonna stay off alcohol as much as i can. But i need to find the cause.

[Protec]

Did you put those shelves up with hopes of getting something from her in return?

 

No. She even offered me money.

 

"No, please, put your money away. I don't need anything. You fixed my pants for free earlier :)"

 

I just wanted to help. I help people if they ask me to.

 

But that rambling i wrote earlier...i was angry then. The anger really takes control of me, and i do feel like different person. it's so strange.

 

My therapist said this to me "You are so nice, calm and polite man so i am really having trouble to believe you can actually behave this way, but it's very good that you can be honest with yourself."

 

It is very confusing to me too, and that's why probably she got so scared too.

I am very nice guy, i smile, i help, i am very kind and polite. But when i get angry i become completely opposite person.

 

I am still thinking about medication, i just don't think it will help since my problems have been with me ever since i was a kid. And i highly doubt i've been depressed / Alcoholic my whole life and i did not even drink alcohol until i turned 22.

 

It's not depression. It's something else.