Regrets, but i want her back

[caring guy]

Hi

I've hada adrink prob & anxiety thats been going on a couple years, i'm now treating my drink prob & cutting my meds down.

My gf of 17 months coped with this, i gave her affection, flowers, etc & told her i loved her but still i was complacent & took stuff for granted & sometimes hid drink, but all seemed well,as we got on so well, spent lots nice tiemes, but she felt 2nd to drink. I always loved her in my way, just had a problem with the drink.

.

I knew this was a problem, but i didn't take the warnings, i mean i was never aggressive, just pigheaded & coldish, she cryed a lot & it wasn't great..

We hada a bad argument at end of June & she was low & when on a night out with her sister, a day later, a man talked to her, they saw each other, just watched a film & they kissed but nothing else, i know this! They met 3 times & he initially made her feel good & i guess she needed it as all wasn't well with us!

 

She's just returned from family holiday & has decided to end our relationship ,see him & blames me, even though she decieved me & 2 timed me.

I think of them together & i'm so jealous & it hurts so much i can't stop crying!

I know 2 wrongs don't make a right, but now i'm getting therapy, sober for 3 weeks, she's ended it & it's too late. I'm sooo upset hurting, crying & thinking of her all the time.

I love her to bits & want her back, she told me i can prove it to her, but seems now i can't.

I will get her back even though she's with him, as she's agreed we can meet as mates for a coffee & she'l judge me over tme. I don't want a drink or crave anymore & feel great, but i cry so much as i feel so guilty & i am. Any advice please!

[LucreziaBorgia]

You need some serious help before you consider even attempting the type of relationship you want with her right now. Hopefully you are discussing this with your therapist!

 

Right now she is just another addiction, and you will have to get to the point where you can function on your own before you can expect her to want to come back. She doesn't want to be the one responsible for your happiness. She doesn't want to be your only reason for wanting to live. She doesn't want you to drag her down as you drown. Find some strength within yourself - learn to stand strong on your own, or this woman will just continue to use you as a doormat while she dates this other guy. Women do not want doormats. They don't want a man who can't stand strong on his own, and who drains strength from the relationship instead of adding their own strength to it. Women do not like crying, begging and promises - they like strong men, who are men of action and not words. You are at your weakest point right now, and I can guarantee you that women will not stick around to play crutch to some guy who 'needs' her rather than chooses to be with her.

 

Give it some time and work on yourself right now. Your goal should be learning to stand on your own, and ridding yourself of this addiction you have to her.

[caring guy]

I understand about myself & being self sufficient, & yes, i do love her, but i am addicted to the "being a couple" thing. But a guy that shows emotion & cry's is only human & i always assumed that women like this in a man, showing emotion.

[New_Wife]

Originally posted by caring guy

I understand about myself & being self sufficient, & yes, i do love her, but i am addicted to the "being a couple" thing.

 

 

Honey, with 3 weeks sober, there's probably not a thing in your life you are NOT addicted to. I don't want to patronize you here, but I guarantee you that you do not understand self sufficiency until you've gotten a little more sobriety and sanity under your belt.

 

Originally posted by caring guy

But a guy that shows emotion & cry's is only human & i always assumed that women like this in a man, showing emotion.

 

 

NO

 

NO

 

NO.

 

Alpha, where are you? (Oh Lord, did I just say that?)

 

Men should cry for the following reasons:

 

1. Birth of child (a few silent tears)

2. Loss of limb or penis (a sob is okay here)

3. Loss of loved one (same as #2)

4. Losing the final game of your NFL career in the superbowl (silent tears, well hidden).

5. Wedding day, seeing wife walk down aisle (one silent tear for effect)

 

That's pretty much it.

 

If a man cries and shows all his emotions, or "feminine side" in a relationship, it leaves nothing for the woman to do but be the man. It makes us feel icky. It makes you look weak.

 

I recognize that the self-help 90's, Oprah & Dr. Phil might lead you to believe that millions of years of instinct and evolution should be ignored so that you might share your snot with a loved one, but it's simply not true. There may be the occasional woman that digs a weepy dude - but I tend to doubt it.

 

Stay the course you're on in sobriety, my friend. That's all you can control just now.

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by caring guy

I understand about myself & being self sufficient, & yes, i do love her, but i am addicted to the "being a couple" thing. But a guy that shows emotion & cry's is only human & i always assumed that women like this in a man, showing emotion.

 

Many women say they want that but most of them don't. Also don't mistake sensitivity for being a weak. Being sensitive to her wants and needs and yours as well, is good. Being a wimp is bad. Women don't respect wimps. I'm not saying to act like a macho jack*** but don't act like the complete opposite either. The best thing is balance. Find the balance between.

 

But before you can find the balance in the relationship you must get it back in your life. If I was you I'd take some time for yourself. You can't be a great bf/husband until you fix yourself. Yes she had every right to leave you for you problems but she had no right to cheat on you. Cheating is never justified. I got to be honest, I know you feel guilty for everything that happened, and a lot of it is your fault, but she doesn't sound like she was into you as much as you think.

 

So my advice is focus on you for at least the next 6-18 months (I know it will hard). If you're not already I would suggest seeing a therapist during this time, not for the drinking but for your other issues (over neediness and weakness). Then when you're able to stand on your own again without the need of booze or other chemicals, begin dating. See other people.

 

Good luck with all of this. I wish you the best. You seem like a nice guy, you just have some problems. You're taking care of them. And that takes a lot of strength. Fighting addiction is every day battle you will face for the rest of your life, but like most things in life it gets easier as time passes.

[caring guy]

Hi, thanks

I don't want to make the same mistake again, i must be happy & strong & on my own 2 feet.

I guess i've always been emotional coming from a close family & mollycoddled as an only child.

 

How do i deal with this, i'm 31 & this guy is 22 & she says is more mature than me, no baggage with alcoholism or anxiety & seeing therapists & yet tommorow, i'll know that they will be dining togeher & probably being intimate back at hers after & it turnsmy stomach.

The girl i love with someone 9 years younger & i can't get this image fom my head!, i feel sick!

[New_Wife]

Nothing you can do about it.

 

Sorry, but that's the long and short story all in one.

 

Let it go, don't torture yourself by contacting her and getting all the gory details. Work on yourself.

[caring guy]

She did say cheating is something she has never done & know s i was very wrong & she should have finished it first, it just happened, he came to her & they swapped mails.

I know she felt so low in the relationship, sh said she just couldn't give a damn anymore!

She's a lovely girl & she don't drink, she was stood minding bags whilst her friends were dancing & he talked to her.

WHAT HAVE I DONE, I HATE MYSELF & AM SO SO SO UPSET!, i've lost my baby!

 

I do see a therapist to talk to 2 times a week & we are working on my confidence, which she gave me!!

 

Next time i see him, we will hve gone back 10 steps!

The fact she wants to see me in town for coffee & she tells me she loves me 'in a way', is this positive, she says she does want to keep in touch & see a changed me, so who know about the future!

 

He's 22, is he going to comit to a girl with 2 kids aged 6 & 10, all my friends think not!, give it 6 weeks they say!, especially as his msn profile says he likes beer, wine, spirits(she don't drink) & women.

She know s my commitment & am there for her!

[LucreziaBorgia]

she tells me she loves me 'in a way'

 

That means in every other way, she doesn't. You will need to cut her off while you go through some healing. Keeping in contact with her will accomplish nothing but more pain for you.

[caring guy]

I know, but at the moment the wound is fresh & hurting so much, i am just looking to find ways of holding onto her!

When i say she loves me in a way, her words were, she loves me as a best friend & this space thing was for me to woo her again, like in nature when 2 animals fight over the female or a Peacock spreads it's feathers to the female, these are analogys we've used!

When i leaft, the kids were crying, as they love me. I read them a story last night & was hoping the emotional strain on her kids feelings towards me & messing their heads up.

Now they will maybe be introducesd to another guy to get used to & gain trust. I dobt she will let him alone with them as she did me until well into the relationship!

 

What does anyone think of this 'young guy commiting to 2 kids that aren't his own' situation?

 

I know i shoudn't contact her, but she did say she wants to see me, should i wait for her to instigate it! msn too?

[LucreziaBorgia]

she loves me as a best friend

 

It means she does not love you in any other way.

 

You are at the point where you have to give her up. Do not contact her in any way, shape or form. No contact, whatsoever. The very best thing would be to not allow her to contact you either, so you can move on with your life like she has moved on with hers.

[caring guy]

I understand & thanks, but then why does she say she wants to see a change in me & that we can meet occasionally for coffee etc! She does do this with ex's.

I know she has good friends she chats to on msn that are ex's.

She still has things of mine & vica versa, like i have a house key of hers that she wants back!

I know i mustn't contact her, as this will be pushing & if we did meet, we would end up talking of what the current situation is & arguments may happen.

I'ts so fresh & painful & i'm hurting, bad!

[Sal Paradise]

She wants to keep her hooks in you just enough to keep you as a friend. And if things don't work out with guy#2 she wants to be able to have you if she decides to. She is trying to control you. And she will if you allow her to

 

 

You need to cut her off. You will never heal if you don't. If you don't go NO CONTACT (which means, no emails, text messages, phone calls, or occasional trips for coffee, its mean nothing at all) you will never heal. And in your current weak condition it could cause you to slip back into old habits. If you care for your mental and physical well being you will cut her off. Right now she has the potential to be just as damaging (if not more) than the booze.

[caring guy]

Sal, thanks

I know this is very new, raw & painful as i do love her to bits & can't currently imagine life without her.

I don't know what will happen when she wants her key back.

My life is now empty, as i was commited to her & neglected friends as they are all bar people.

It was like a job, commuting from hers to mine & now there's this big void!

I'm afraid of the healing time, how long i'll feel like just sleeping my days away as i do now & trying not to remember good times! & worst of all, this sick feeling i get imagining her & him together, intimate, naked etc!, it's so fresh, i still see her as my sweetheart as it wasn't a mutual seperation.