I really miss my ex

[guy45]

I broke up with my ex gf about 3 months ago since I felt we had no more chemistry. Deep down I still love her and want to be with her. The only problem is that every time I get back together with her I end up feeling depressed. Being alone however I also feel depressed.

 

What should I do?

Its almost impossible for me to find another gf since I'm not super attractive and have had the worst luck.

[preraph]

You should just work on yourself and your own goals and build up your own self-esteem by meeting goals you set and not try to rely on another person to prop you up. You need to love yourself and work on your depression. I can't remember if you've already been to a therapist from another thread, but if not, you obviously need to go. Depression is something that can very often be quickly improved with meds while underlying reasons for it are being ferreted out and worked on.

[guy45]

I know going back to her is not the right thing to do, but I still think of her everyday regardless though.

 

We had a lot of good times together, and not talking to her really bothers me.

[bummer]

Common denominator is the depression. Start addressing that and the other parts will shake themselves out eventually.

 

So the lesser of two evils is definitely lonely depressed >> together depressed.

 

If you continue strengthening an emotional bond with her, it only gets harder and harder to get away from her when you do figure out the depression or find something better.

 

next time you want to talk with her, call your friend/brother/cousin or grab your cat/dog/hamster/roommate and tell them what's up instead.

[guy45]

Common denominator is the depression. Start addressing that and the other parts will shake themselves out eventually.

 

So the lesser of two evils is definitely lonely depressed >> together depressed.

 

If you continue strengthening an emotional bond with her, it only gets harder and harder to get away from her when you do figure out the depression or find something better.

 

next time you want to talk with her, call your friend/brother/cousin or grab your cat/dog/hamster/roommate and tell them what's up instead.

Thank you! I think this is really good advice! Like you said both situations are evils but being lonely is probably the best way to go rather than getting into the same relationship again.

[DarrenB]

There's normally 7 common stages of a breakup, I'll list them below with a little of an insight for each stage. Try and acknowledge where you currently feel you are and where you want to be in a specific time from now:

 

1) Desperation or grievance:

 

The drive to know is consuming and can come at the expense of rational thoughts and behaviors. You must understand why this happened, maybe beyond anyone’s ability to explain it. You fixate on things your ex said at various times that you see as contradicting the breakup, and you hold onto them now as if they are gospel. Yet somewhere within, you have moments of clarity, too. You likely swing back and forth between foggy disbelief, the daily, moment by moment rediscovery of the magnitude of your loss, and flashes of painful clarity that of course it’s over. The pain, disorganization, and confusion can become all you think about, or talk about. But initially, you remain driven to understand what happened, at any cost. The desperation to make sense of something so jarring compels you to debate friends, family, coworkers, even strangers, about why the relationship ended, while you justify to them the reasons it shouldn’t have, as if convincing them it is equal to convincing your ex.

 

2) Denial:

 

It can’t be true. This isn’t happening! You just cannot be without your ex. It feels like you’ve put everything you are into this relationship. It’s been your world, your life. You cannot accept that it’s over. You funnel every last hope into saving it, even at the expense of your well-being. You postpone your need to grieve its end, because it’s just too painful to face. In so doing, you temporarily derail the grieving process by replacing it with unrealistically inflated hope that the relationship can still be salvaged.

 

3) Bargaining:

 

You are willing to do anything to avoid accepting it’s over. You’ll be a better, more attentive partner. Everything that’s been wrong, you’ll make right. The thought of being without your ex is so intolerable that you will make your own pain go away by winning him or her back, at any cost. Of course, you’re not logical at this point (and probably shouldn't be operating heavy machinery). You are standing on the edge of what feels like an abyss, trying not to fall into the unknown. You cling to any hope you can, to prevent yourself from losing what you have come to depend on, for better or worse. However, during this phase, when you promise to fix all the problems between you, you are placing the entire burden of repairing, maintaining, and sustaining a relationship onto yourself. It's as if the responsibility is yours and yours alone to make it work this time. Try your hardest during this phase not to lose sight of the fact that both participants in the relationship contributed to its end. You can’t possibly take responsibility for everything. Somewhere inside, you know that.

 

Bargaining can only briefly distract from the experience of loss. Reality inevitably comes crashing down, over and over again. Further, when you bargain, you are trying to take responsibility for why the relationship doesn't work, which may give you the illusion that you have control over it, perpetuating the belief that it's salvageable as long as you can just keep performing superhuman acts.

 

4) Relapse:

 

Because the pain is so intolerable, you may actually be able to convince your ex to try again (this may not be the first breakup with this partner). You will temporarily relieve the agony of withdrawal. However, despite your best efforts, you will not be able to carry the relationship solo. I'm sorry to say, it probably won’t end well this time, either. Unfortunately, you may need to go through this process of breaking up and reconciling more than once before you're absolutely convinced it's time to let go.

 

5) Anger:

 

Initially, you may not be able to connect with feelings of anger. Breaking up plummets you into the unknown, which can evoke immobilizing fear and dread. Fear, at that point, trumps anger. Therefore, when anger sets in, it's because you have let go of some of your fear, at least temporarily. When you’re able to access anger, the experience can actually be empowering—because at the very least there are shades of remembering you matter too, of feeling justified in realizing that you deserve more from a relationship. Depending on your specific temperament, life, and family experiences, as well as your unique breakup, your anger may be directed at your partner, the situation, or yourself. The good news is that your anger, no matter where it’s directed, is meant to empower you, whether you choose to see it that way or not. When anger becomes accessible to you, it can provide direction and create a feeling of aliveness in a world that’s become deadened by loss. It can also remind you that you deserve more. Even anger at yourself, as paralyzing and self-defeating as it may be, is still part of the grieving process. The fact that you are on the trajectory of grieving the loss is a sign that you are working through. It indicates that somewhere within, you are creating enough internal discomfort to help shift your perspective about how the relationship has actually been, and it can compel you to make proactive changes, if you are ready to let it.

 

6) Initial/partial acceptance:

 

This is the kind of acceptance that, when it happens early in the process, can feel more like surrender. You are holding up your end of the breakup because you have to, not because you want to. Either you or your ex has developed enough awareness and control at this point to recognize that you are not meant to be. Over time, this initial, often tenuous acceptance becomes more substantive, as both of you begin to recognize, independently, that there are boundaries that at least one of you must maintain in order for the breakup to stick, because it has to. You are finally grasping that's it’s just not good for you to keep trying anymore.

 

7) Redirected hope and moving forward:

 

You were leveled by the breakup and have had difficulty letting go, in part because it shattered your relationship with hope. As acceptance deepens, moving forward requires redirecting your feelings of hope—from the belief that you can singlehandedly save a failing relationship to the possibility that you just might be okay without your ex. It’s jarring when forced to redirect your hope from the known entity of the relationship into the abyss of the unknown. But this is an opportunity to redirect the life force of hope. Regardless, hope is somewhere in your reserves and you will access it again as you continue to allow some meaningful distance between you and your ex.

[guy45]

I may be in the bargaining stage. Couldn't help but feel sad reading this. Reminds me of all the efforts I made to try and save the relationship.

 

We broke up about 5 times, all because of me. Each time we got back together I got depressed and had to breakup again a week or two later. I really tried my best even at the expense of my own happiness at times.

 

I would give anything to make it work and I know she would too. I wish things turned out better.

[DarrenB]

Each time we got back together I got depressed and had to breakup again a week or two later. I really tried my best even at the expense of my own happiness at times.

 

Funnily enough I can relate to that. A situation with the involvement of what you stated was the reason I infact came to Loveshack last year

 

I'll tell you though, I went through it, probably 95% of the members who have signed here have... and the most motivating thing is - we're all still here and we're living life regardless of whom we have invested in our lives.

 

I don't think it matters if you miss them, think about them or heck even want to reconcile. It's all about endurance and then progression. Endure the early stages to progress forward in your life. It seems difficult (cliche phrase incoming) but once you've past the difficulty, a certain fulfillment and new meaning to life and aspiration will take over your entire mindset.

 

You'll get there, like we all have. Keep it up.

[guy45]

Funnily enough I can relate to that. A situation with the involvement of what you stated was the reason I infact came to Loveshack last year

 

I'll tell you though, I went through it, probably 95% of the members who have signed here have... and the most motivating thing is - we're all still here and we're living life regardless of whom we have invested in our lives.

 

I don't think it matters if you miss them, think about them or heck even want to reconcile. It's all about endurance and then progression. Endure the early stages to progress forward in your life. It seems difficult (cliche phrase incoming) but once you've past the difficulty, a certain fulfillment and new meaning to life and aspiration will take over your entire mindset.

 

You'll get there, like we all have. Keep it up.

Thank you, I guess I can't rebuild my life over night.

[ayoung73]

Guy55, you’re settling, you know the relationship isn’t right yet you obsess and get back together with her because you have unresolved personal issues. You are not worthless or unattractive! Give up this obsession you have with the familiar and MOVE on! I agree with some of the other people responding, work on yourself, get rid of this idea that you would never find another woman, if you found one there’s bound to be another out there for you! You’re important, so get the help you need, get up and do the work. DO NOT call or get back together with her, all this will accomplish is to root your depression in your subconscious and reinforce all of your negative feelings. Be strong, stand and move on; you will find the woman you’re supposed to be with.