I am not attracted to most men. What is wrong with me?

[HiCrunchy]

I am not attracted to many men. Even people that are considered hot, like celebs for instance. This has always been the case for me and I never thought I would get a boyfriend that I was extremely attracted to.

 

 

I have dated one man my entire life. He was good to me and I was madly in love with him. He ended our relationship a year ago today. He was my first real love and I started dating him when I was 21 years old.

Before then, getting crushes were rare and he was the first guy I ever had such strong feelings for ever. I still think I am in love with him now (to an extent, as I still think about him everyday even though we haven't had contact for a considerable amount of time).

 

But since I didn't find anyone I clicked with AND was attracted to before 21 , I am really thinking that I don't have many choices or that something is wrong with me. I do have a type, but many people do so not sure if that even matters.

 

I know I am not asexual or gay, as my ex (male, and I am a woman). He really used to turn me on, and I think i initiated sex more than he did (one of the reasons we broke up I think is his lower sex drive to mine. I wanted to "do the deed" every time we met up lol. He wanted to have (intellectual conversation all the time), which was fine with me but a little sexually frustrating I admit. I compromised because I loved him).

 

 

I am now 22. I want to begin dating now as since a year has passed I don't think my ex is coming back to me even if I still love him. I have made peace with that.

 

 

How do I go into the dating world, when I don't find most men attractive? I am not sure I want to date someone I am not attracted to. How do I find more "fish in the sea" when I am out of college, and in a female dominated field.

Edited September 4, 2017 by HiCrunchy
more information added

[Gr8fuln2020]

As I was reading your post I was waiting for you to say something like, 'I'm 35 now...' But, it's only been a year since you date this person. Hardly time to conclude that your relationship days are over.

 

Your problem is that you are still stuck on your ex. You don't find anyone else attractive b/c you are depressed with longing for an ex that you cannot have. It is also clear that you have NOT made peace, though you may have intellectually concluded that he will not return.

 

I can count the number of 'crushes' I have before the age of 21. Your condition isn't unique or unusual. You need to move on...

Edited September 13, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post

[HiCrunchy]

As I was reading your post I was waiting for you to say something like, 'I'm 35 now...' But, it's only been a year since you date this person. Hardly time to conclude that your relationship days are over.

 

Your problem is that you are still stuck on your ex. You don't find anyone else attractive b/c you are depressed with longing for an ex that you cannot have. It is also clear that you have NOT made peace, though you may have intellectually concluded that he will not return.

 

I can count the number of 'crushes' I have before the age of 21. Your condition isn't unique or unusual. You need to move on...

 

The thing is that I didn't date before because I wasn't attracted to many people anyways. I think my ex was the exception to this rule. This lack of attraction was before having my relationship with my ex, so I do not think it is an issue about moving on from him. I do still love him in a sense, but I can see how we wouldn't work in the long run.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The thing is that I didn't date before because I wasn't attracted to many people anyways. I think my ex was the exception to this rule. This lack of attraction was before having my relationship with my ex, so I do not think it is an issue about moving on from him. I do still love him in a sense, but I can see how we wouldn't work in the long run.

 

You are still very young, though. I'm sure you will find someone you're physically attracted to again.

[central]

The question is, WHAT do you find attractive about a man? WHAT made your ex attractive? Once you know that, you can search for those traits in someone new, or screen out those who don't meet those criteria. You don't need to find most men attractive - only a small number (who are also available).

[elaine567]

A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone.

This ^^^ could explain it.

[HiCrunchy]

The question is, WHAT do you find attractive about a man? WHAT made your ex attractive? Once you know that, you can search for those traits in someone new, or screen out those who don't meet those criteria. You don't need to find most men attractive - only a small number (who are also available).

 

There were a lot of things that I liked about my ex. His looks,(Tall, Cute Asian guy, toned body liked to go to the gym). He was really intellectual/smart and he got many awards when he graduated with me a few months back). I loved his ambition, humor (he was a dork, who loved puns and made dad jokes). He was always trying to make things more efficient and loved learning. We never fought tho we did have discussions about things. I hate yelling so that was good. He was really sweet, affectionate and shy. He loved going into the city together to have fun. Just a very quirky and fun human and made me smile a lot.

 

I'd really like to find these things in someone else. I think maybe I am asking for too much or the things I would like are maybe too specific.

Edited December 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HiCrunchy]

You are still very young, though. I'm sure you will find someone you're physically attracted to again.

 

Yes, but it took me a long time to find this first person, I am afraid that it will take me even longer to find the next.

[SpecialJ]

Were you physically or mentally attracted to him first? Did you connect first and then the physical followed?

[preraph]

Well, before we decide you're definitely not gay, have you ever felt attraction for any women, not love, but just attraction? I mean, all my old gay guy friends also dated and had first loves who were women. Gayness is a sliding scale, not an on/off switch, so there's all combinations.

[smackie9]

I'm sure you will find someone who has a lot of those traits, maybe even more. How you feel about what you want, need and like will change as you get older. So stop worrying and let it go.

[HiCrunchy]

Were you physically or mentally attracted to him first? Did you connect first and then the physical followed?

 

Well the weird thing is that I knew him before we started dating. I always thought he was cute but when I met him as a freshmen in college I didn't really date. I admit I was a bit of an ugly duckling at first. I improved my looks and got a little more confident (I stress a little).

 

I happened to see him at a dance my school was having where he was an usher, and he just looked so handsome! Like I'd never noticed it before! He was dressed up and wearing contacts so I could see his eyes and smile. He could tell I was flustered when I first saw him.

 

(My friends used to say I blush like teenage girl, and get embarrassingly red whenever I was near him. My attraction to him was obvious to everyone around me).

 

I knew I was attracted but not in love. In fact the first time he told me he loved me, I was in shock. I did not say it back because I was't sure. He cried that night and I felt bad that I couldn't be 100% with him at the time. But then I fell in love with him, and he fell out of it I guess.

 

So yes, his looks were the first thing for sure then his personality, intelligence, his extroversion (he is shy but good with people somehow in a way that I wasn't at the time), and ambition. Those things made me stay.

 

I also loved sharing my culture with him and he shared his with me. He was from Asia originally and moved to the US when he was 12 to the West Coast.

 

I am Hispanic and from the East Coast, so we had every different lives, backgrounds but I loved every minute of it.

 

I think it was a mix of both. He is convinced I was in love with the idea of him. (I didn't think that was true, maybe that is how he saw it. Either way it doesn't matter).

 

I was attracted to his looks first for sure. But if he had a bad personality, I don't think I would have stayed. I liked him as a person, which made me fall for him even harder.

Edited December 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

I'm 50 now, and the last time I fell for someone's looks was when I was 14. For me, attraction is all about personality. On the plus side it means that pretty much any guy had a chance with me if his personality matched. On the negative, it has meant that I'd never be open to giving my number to someone I hadn't talked with previously. Perhaps you relate?

[HiCrunchy]

Well, before we decide you're definitely not gay, have you ever felt attraction for any women, not love, but just attraction? I mean, all my old gay guy friends also dated and had first loves who were women. Gayness is a sliding scale, not an on/off switch, so there's all combinations.

 

I am not really interested in having a girlfriend, tho the idea of kissing woman (or having sex with one) I don't find disgusting, but it is not something I would act on.

I am attracted to masculinity and to men more so than women.

I also like more masculine features.

Edited September 4, 2017 by HiCrunchy
Explained what I wanted to say better

[kendahke]

. How do I find more "fish in the sea" when I am out of college, and in a female dominated field.

 

First off, don't poop where you eat.

 

Meaning: don't look for boyfriends at the place where you draw your paycheck. It has the potential for getting messy and uncomfortable.

 

Are you more attracted by how they think and comport themselves rather than how they look?

 

Look for men in activities you enjoy doing.

 

Also, where you live has a lot to do with how many eligible men you will come across.

 

You're still young enough to where there are more unmarried guys in your age range who are not victims of their own bad choices than, say, if you were in your 40's.

[HiCrunchy]

First off, don't poop where you eat.

 

Meaning: don't look for boyfriends at the place where you draw your paycheck. It has the potential for getting messy and uncomfortable.

 

Are you more attracted by how they think and comport themselves rather than how they look?

 

Look for men in activities you enjoy doing.

 

Also, where you live has a lot to do with how many eligible men you will come across.

 

You're still young enough to where there are more unmarried guys in your age range who are not victims of their own bad choices than, say, if you were in your 40's.

 

As I mentioned before I am in a mostly female dominated field, so that is most likely not going to happen.

 

I say a little of both. But for me to have a sexual relationship with someone, I need to be attracted to them.

[Caramelpopcorn]

You're screwing your self over. You're brainwashing yourself and you don't even realize it! You keep saying over and over I'm not attracted to men, he was THE ONLY one I'm attracted to. Well, heck what did you think would happen when you're constantly feeding your subconscious these thoughts over and over and over? You will stop finding men attractive. It's called hypnosis and you're doing it to yourself.

[Steve51]

My wife was a virgin until she met me at the age of 20. We got engaged 3 weeks after we first met. Will be married 45 years next month. Since she was a virgin she was curious about how sex would be with someone else but did not want to cheat. I lost my first fiancé due to her curiosity about sex with other men. So when the opportunity came for a wife swap with our best friends, we took it. We were pretty drunk at the time.

 

My wife hated it. She only knew making love with a man she had deep feelings for and swore off all other men but me. My wife ended up realising that she is bisexual. She had a girlfriend that she shared with me for most of our marriage. I do not know why she picked me as her only male and her girlfriend as her only woman. She said that she is attracted to the person first, not their gender. My ex fiancé also turned out to be bi and divorced her one and only husband to marry her girlfriend of 23 years.

 

The third woman I had a relationship with is also bi. I did not know these women are bi until well into the relationship. For some reason bi women are attracted to me as their male lover. Sexuality is fluid. Even I had sex with two gay friends in my early years just for the experience. Not attracted to men so I never did it again.

 

You should like my wife. I was the first in almost all things in her life that involve a male. However, she is more interested in women most of the time or hot guys with feminine features. I am far from feminine looking. Look more like a mob hitman with the scars on my face to give me a ruggedly handsome look or so I was told.

 

You too may be attracted to the person and not their gender so give yourself permission to go where your heart takes you. My wife was extremely lucky in that her best friend since childhood is bi and has been with a few women in college and that I was OK with her being bi and having her girlfriend live with us for many years. Read this and visit Robyn Ochs website. Just Google her name. Being bi is not just black and white. You can want males for some areas of your life and females for others. Even that can change over time as it does for my wife. She will not date a woman or enter into a romance with one. She wants to be married to a man but have the companionship of a female. All of my bi partners have been different about how they viewed the sexes at any given moment. Not saying you are bi but my wife went over two decades wondering why she only is attracted to me and not other men. The night I asked her to join me and her girlfriend in bed made it all clear to her. Just something to think about as all my bi exes never felt that they were bi for many years.

 

DEFINITION OF BISEXUALITY: “I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”

[rod_in_gtown]

Finding other people unattractive could be you just mourning the relationship with your ex, you may look for versions of him in other people without realizing it and throwing the prospect of them away before really giving them a chance.

 

Now, I'm not advocating for you to give everyone a chance, rather just focus on other things instead, maybe a hobby, or work. Just because your field doesn't generally have a lot of men in it it doesn't mean you won't meet someone eventually, could be online dating, could be on your commute to work, could be at a happy hour with your co-workers. It could even be at the [insert other favorite food or beverage here] shop.

 

What I'm saying is it sounds like you are rushing to find a mate before leaving college. Don't. The world is pretty large and there's no reason to think that the pool is going to get smaller. If anything it will get better, you will learn about yourself and about what you want. You'll narrow your scope on things you're just not going to be thinking about while in college, you're 22, your priorities will change and so will be the qualities you look for in a partner.

 

You can try online/app dating, that's how I met my wife, and it's ok if you don't like the majority of men out there, I didn't like the majority of women there when I was dating. All it takes is one.

[No_Go]

Are there people attracted to most men?? I think you're about what I consider normal. I've been really attracted to men 3 times, ages of 24, 29, 32. That's it. I had relationships with none of them. I had relationships with 3 other men that I have grown to love/like. I think most people are that way but lie to themselves that they are attracted to whoever they date/are in RL with/are married to. Human brain has wonderful protective mechanisms like self-deception

[HiCrunchy]

You're screwing your self over. You're brainwashing yourself and you don't even realize it! You keep saying over and over I'm not attracted to men, he was THE ONLY one I'm attracted to. Well, heck what did you think would happen when you're constantly feeding your subconscious these thoughts over and over and over? You will stop finding men attractive. It's called hypnosis and you're doing it to yourself.

 

I disagree.

I have my "type" that I am attracted to and my ex fit that type (plus he had the personality that made me actually want to date him. If he were a jerk this wouldn't have panned out).

 

Before then I didn't meet anyone that I found attractive and after my ex left it has been the same.

 

What am I supposed to do? Date people I am not attracted to? Lie to myself? Break someone's heart because I can't bring myself to kiss them because physically I am not feeling it?

 

That wouldn't be fair to them.

 

I tried the whole dating someone I am not attracted to thing (just to be more open minded), with a guy for 3 weeks (since it was only 3 weeks I don't consider him my ex). It didn't work out because I couldn't bring myself to be physical with him at all. He was an okay person but I didn't want to kiss him at all. I was lying to myself and I knew it.

 

This was way before I dated my ex. So people saying I am not finding anyone attractive because I am still attached to my ex, I think this is not the case.

[HiCrunchy]

My wife was a virgin until she met me at the age of 20. We got engaged 3 weeks after we first met. Will be married 45 years next month. Since she was a virgin she was curious about how sex would be with someone else but did not want to cheat. I lost my first fiancé due to her curiosity about sex with other men. So when the opportunity came for a wife swap with our best friends, we took it. We were pretty drunk at the time.

 

My wife hated it. She only knew making love with a man she had deep feelings for and swore off all other men but me. My wife ended up realising that she is bisexual. She had a girlfriend that she shared with me for most of our marriage. I do not know why she picked me as her only male and her girlfriend as her only woman. She said that she is attracted to the person first, not their gender. My ex fiancé also turned out to be bi and divorced her one and only husband to marry her girlfriend of 23 years.

 

The third woman I had a relationship with is also bi. I did not know these women are bi until well into the relationship. For some reason bi women are attracted to me as their male lover. Sexuality is fluid. Even I had sex with two gay friends in my early years just for the experience. Not attracted to men so I never did it again.

 

You should like my wife. I was the first in almost all things in her life that involve a male. However, she is more interested in women most of the time or hot guys with feminine features. I am far from feminine looking. Look more like a mob hitman with the scars on my face to give me a ruggedly handsome look or so I was told.

 

You too may be attracted to the person and not their gender so give yourself permission to go where your heart takes you. My wife was extremely lucky in that her best friend since childhood is bi and has been with a few women in college and that I was OK with her being bi and having her girlfriend live with us for many years. Read this and visit Robyn Ochs website. Just Google her name. Being bi is not just black and white. You can want males for some areas of your life and females for others. Even that can change over time as it does for my wife. She will not date a woman or enter into a romance with one. She wants to be married to a man but have the companionship of a female. All of my bi partners have been different about how they viewed the sexes at any given moment. Not saying you are bi but my wife went over two decades wondering why she only is attracted to me and not other men. The night I asked her to join me and her girlfriend in bed made it all clear to her. Just something to think about as all my bi exes never felt that they were bi for many years.

 

DEFINITION OF BISEXUALITY: “I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”

 

I have never been attracted to a female in a crush sense. And the few times I have found a women sexually attractive is when they dressed more androgynous or has a male/Tomboy look. Yeah I wondered if I was bi and I am just not. And I don't feel like I am repressing anything really. I like feeling protected and a masculine vibe I get from men. I like tall me as well and I am 5"1 so I like that "protective" feeling. I like feeling small and having someone towering over me in bed. I do not think I am sexually confused.

[HiCrunchy]

Finding other people unattractive could be you just mourning the relationship with your ex, you may look for versions of him in other people without realizing it and throwing the prospect of them away before really giving them a chance.

 

Now, I'm not advocating for you to give everyone a chance, rather just focus on other things instead, maybe a hobby, or work. Just because your field doesn't generally have a lot of men in it it doesn't mean you won't meet someone eventually, could be online dating, could be on your commute to work, could be at a happy hour with your co-workers. It could even be at the [insert other favorite food or beverage here] shop.

 

What I'm saying is it sounds like you are rushing to find a mate before leaving college. Don't. The world is pretty large and there's no reason to think that the pool is going to get smaller. If anything it will get better, you will learn about yourself and about what you want. You'll narrow your scope on things you're just not going to be thinking about while in college, you're 22, your priorities will change and so will be the qualities you look for in a partner.

 

You can try online/app dating, that's how I met my wife, and it's ok if you don't like the majority of men out there, I didn't like the majority of women there when I was dating. All it takes is one.

 

I also wonder if I am still mourning the relationship. We dated 6 months and have been apart one year so if I am mourning as many people on this thread believe that I am, I wonder just how much time is supposed to pass until I feel "moved on" or if that is something that will never happen. IDk really.

 

In a way I do sort of want a version of him, as he had many traits I would like in a partner, i guess but he wasn't perfect and had things I didn't like.

 

He was a bit sensitive for example. He got mad at me once for calling him smart. And I quote "I work hard for my grades, its not like I am just smart". I meant no harm by the comment but he took it the wrong way.

 

(My ex is my type and Id like to find similar features in a sense but for personality I am more flexible as long as they aren't jerks or treat me badly.)

 

I have done the focusing on other things. I have a full time job, am a part time student and am saving up to get my own apartment. I haven't looked at social media in ages, but I still think about him every single day without fail.

 

I may try online dating, eventually. Not sure how else to meet new people, so it doesn't hurt right?

[HiCrunchy]

Are there people attracted to most men?? I think you're about what I consider normal. I've been really attracted to men 3 times, ages of 24, 29, 32. That's it. I had relationships with none of them. I had relationships with 3 other men that I have grown to love/like. I think most people are that way but lie to themselves that they are attracted to whoever they date/are in RL with/are married to. Human brain has wonderful protective mechanisms like self-deception

 

Thank you for your reply. It made me smile a little, but I have never been the type to transition from like to love.

 

I categorize people into friends and romantic partners pretty quickly (why so many of my friends accused me of "friend zoning". Maybe it will happen to me one day

Edited September 7, 2017 by HiCrunchy
spelling

[No_Go]

Thank you for your reply. It made me smile a little, but I have never been the type to transition from like to love.

 

I categorize people into friends and romantic partners pretty quickly (why so many of my friends accused me of "friend zoning". Maybe it will happen to me one day

 

I was same way your age but then after being in a RL for long enough I grew on them. You need to spend ton of time and energy for this to happen and it's not the same love. At your age I'd just wait and not bother.