Author HiCrunchy Posted October 1, 2017 Author Share Posted October 1, 2017 You are 22 years old. Believe me when I say, you have lots of time. Don't catastrophize. It doesn't help. Is it possible that you are depressed? You sound quite sad and rather desperate... Neither of which is a good thing when you are dating and hoping to attract a new partner. If I were truly desperate I would have settled with one of the dudes that hit on me. No reason not to if all I want is a warm body. I may have depression or issues with self worth but desperation (other than for my ex) I do not think I have. Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 I'm just like you. I am not attracted to the vast majority of men. Never have been. Also tried to give a guy a chance when I wasn't attracted and it was just awful for the 6 months that it lasted. Never developed for me. I know right away by someone's looks, generally speaking, if there is ever *a potential* for me to be sexually attracted to a man (I'm a face person and tend to be attracted to feminine features in a man's face). His personality ends up being the determining factor, though. I think the label of demisexual is fairly appropriate for someone like you and me. I'm in CA and I notice I find men a lot more attractive on the East coast for some reason. I meet very few here that physically have enough spark for me but when I visited my sister on the opposite coast while single, I felt like there's hope. Haha! If you go on a vacation, you may want to look around and see if it seems any different for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 If I were truly desperate I would have settled with one of the dudes that hit on me. No reason not to if all I want is a warm body. I may have depression or issues with self worth but desperation (other than for my ex) I do not think I have. No, don't settle. But also... don't be afraid to take the risk if there is a possibility that it may be someone you are interested in dating. When I was younger, I wasn't attracted to many people either. With age and maturity, I realized that what makes someone most attractive is not entirely their physical appearance, but who he is and how I feel when I am with him. When I first met my boyfriend, I thought he was good looking enough... But now, I find him very attractive because he is a wonderful man and I love him dearly. Go out with people. Have some fun. See what happens... And keep working on your self esteem and self confidence (it's a lifelong journey...) Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 (edited) It's weird. I used to have a more confined type. I didn't date guys out of my age group, but now that I am looking for them, I am seeing them in a different light.. There are quite a few older men(and women)that have obviously taken great care of themselves and blow youngins out of the water with those genes and lifestyle! Men throughout 40s into 50s in great shape. I am very curious about exploring this. It's very intriguing that I can find some (few, but still new to me) men in the older age groups attractive. Maybe I'm just getting older ;P. As long as they resemble an older version of my ex they can be very attractive to me. Maybe just start to try looking at different guys in a different way. You may be very surprised. Don't try to force attraction though Edited October 10, 2017 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 My advice is to take your time. Just like you found your ex, you’ll find your next. You will find someone who you are attracted to—I promise. It will likely happen when you least expect it. Do not sell yourself short and believe you will intuitively know when to pull the trigger. To know what you specifically are looking for isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Good things come to those who wait. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIvy Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 This is normal. I am not attracted to men either. It's kinda instant for me. But personality makes a difference if I want a relationship or not. I also think you're still stuck on you ex, but if you found someone better you would be off him. You're so young, believe me, men come and go. One day you will look back and realize it was for the best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
staggerlee71 Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 you get three great loves 2 to go 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HiCrunchy Posted October 12, 2017 Author Share Posted October 12, 2017 I'm just like you. I am not attracted to the vast majority of men. Never have been. Also tried to give a guy a chance when I wasn't attracted and it was just awful for the 6 months that it lasted. Never developed for me. I know right away by someone's looks, generally speaking, if there is ever *a potential* for me to be sexually attracted to a man (I'm a face person and tend to be attracted to feminine features in a man's face). His personality ends up being the determining factor, though. I think the label of demisexual is fairly appropriate for someone like you and me. I'm in CA and I notice I find men a lot more attractive on the East coast for some reason. I meet very few here that physically have enough spark for me but when I visited my sister on the opposite coast while single, I felt like there's hope. Haha! If you go on a vacation, you may want to look around and see if it seems any different for you. I am actually from NYC. Nice to know you think out men out here on the east coast are handsome lol. My ex was from the bay area in the west coast, I am not sure if he has a look that is popular there because I have never gone. Maybe I am more attracted to CA boys haha. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 Please scratch what I said earlier. I don't know what to do! I really don't. I have been trying to lie to myself but I don't think I will find another one who gives me the sparks for a very long time. I really feel for you Hicrunchy. I've no oidea what to do or how to lower my standards realistically..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JellyTot Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 Get to know people before dismissing them as unattractive. A lot of times you might not like someone at first glance but they grow on you as you get to know them. The love of my life was someone I didn't look twice at when we first met. Also maybe you're just picky (and there's nothing wrong with that) - after I lost my first love it took me ten years to love someone else. There's nothing you can do except keep an open mind and keep looking. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 As a man I've found that while it's crucial for there to be an initial physical attraction, it grows as I get to know the woman and find I really like her on a personal level. Without getting to know somebody further, I think it's impossible for anything to ever become clear or reach its potential. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 Please scratch what I said earlier. I don't know what to do! I really don't. I have been trying to lie to myself but I don't think I will find another one who gives me the sparks for a very long time. I really feel for you Hicrunchy. I've no oidea what to do or how to lower my standards realistically..... If a guy is only attracted to blonds, but later changes to date brunettes as well... this isn't him lowering his standards. You don't lower your standards in expanding your attractions. You are instead becoming psychologically healthier. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HiCrunchy Posted October 26, 2017 Author Share Posted October 26, 2017 (edited) I have been starting to think that it is silly we believe that everyone is meant to find someone. Maybe I am one of those people who isn't meant to have a relationship or be loved. They exist, it happens. The fact that I am not attracted to many people could be my own my biology is telling me something. Its sort of silly to keep hoping to find love if that is the case, isn't it. Maybe the faster I learn to accept that relationships and love aren't something that exists in my world, I can let go. Being loved romantically was just something that wasn't meant to be for me. Its something other people do. It will be sad, but healthier I guess. It worked for my mom (and dad), so since I am their daughter I am not sure why it can't work for me too. Edited October 26, 2017 by HiCrunchy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 If a guy is only attracted to blonds, but later changes to date brunettes as well... this isn't him lowering his standards. You don't lower your standards in expanding your attractions. You are instead becoming psychologically healthier. thats different because blondes/brunettes has no bearing on sexual fitness whatsoever... The health of the hair maybe, if it's all shiny and thick, or it's a brittle and thin Link to post Share on other sites
Frostedflake Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 Quality not quantity. You don't have to find a majority of men or women attractive. I know I don't! There has been a lot of debate on whether people can be both physically and mentally attracted to someone. It would appear that one outweighs the other for each individual. I've met women who have said they needed an emotional spark to even consider pursuing someone. I've met others who said they won't even look at a man if he's not worth looking at. People will rarely admit that second one because they get called vain. I think either is fair. You can't fake what isn't there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 thats different because blondes/brunettes has no bearing on sexual fitness whatsoever... The health of the hair maybe, if it's all shiny and thick, or it's a brittle and thin Well.... It a way yes it does. How is it any different from the very narrow window you find attractive? Hair color speaks of genetic makeup - and if we are talking about sexual fitness - don't you mean biological compatibility? One a man can be very fit, healthy etc - but you still won't find him sexually attractive - isn't that correct? Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 Well.... It a way yes it does. How is it any different from the very narrow window you find attractive? Hair color speaks of genetic makeup - and if we are talking about sexual fitness - don't you mean biological compatibility? One a man can be very fit, healthy etc - but you still won't find him sexually attractive - isn't that correct? yes, i probably do account for genetic compatibility in my selection but if you follow the line of convo back I was specifically talking about no longer being attracted to much older men. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 I have been starting to think that it is silly we believe that everyone is meant to find someone. Maybe I am one of those people who isn't meant to have a relationship or be loved. They exist, it happens. The fact that I am not attracted to many people could be my own my biology is telling me something. Its sort of silly to keep hoping to find love if that is the case, isn't it. Maybe the faster I learn to accept that relationships and love aren't something that exists in my world, I can let go. Being loved romantically was just something that wasn't meant to be for me. Its something other people do. It will be sad, but healthier I guess. It worked for my mom (and dad), so since I am their daughter I am not sure why it can't work for me too. Holy gloom and doom.... Take a deep breath, I mean, aren't you like 23 years old?? You sound like you are on death row...' Not trying to minimize your plight, just want you to realize that there are people that fall in love in their 70/80's.....It can happen to you, probably sooner than you think... TFY 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 (edited) Well.... It a way yes it does. How is it any different from the very narrow window you find attractive? Hair color speaks of genetic makeup - and if we are talking about sexual fitness - don't you mean biological compatibility? One a man can be very fit, healthy etc - but you still won't find him sexually attractive - isn't that correct? And it still stands whether i'm unintentionally selecting for good genes or compatible genes i cant change what i'm into, right? Or maybe I can. I should take more of the picture into account. Maybe I can stop putting so much emphasis on it because it doesn't matter except for casual...I just miss my ex. Edited October 27, 2017 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 I'm kind of the same way, but then there's no telling when I will find someone attractive. For me, it's more about who they are. I'm with you on celebs. For me, most actors are too plain vanilla mainstream for me and I only find a couple attractive. Don't worry about that. What made you attracted to your ex? Were you at first? Was it instant or after you learned more about him? I think the key will be to find someone with whom you have strong common interests and stimulate each other, though you did say intellectual talk wasn't doing it for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 And it still stands whether i'm unintentionally selecting for good genes or compatible genes i cant change what i'm into, right? Or maybe I can. I should take more of the picture into account. Maybe I can stop putting so much emphasis on it because it doesn't matter except for casual...I just miss my ex. Who says you can't have the total package??? TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 And it still stands whether i'm unintentionally selecting for good genes or compatible genes i cant change what i'm into, right? Or maybe I can. I should take more of the picture into account. Maybe I can stop putting so much emphasis on it because it doesn't matter except for casual...I just miss my ex. I wish more men and women will value what they had because replacements are not easy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HiCrunchy Posted October 27, 2017 Author Share Posted October 27, 2017 Holy gloom and doom.... Take a deep breath, I mean, aren't you like 23 years old?? You sound like you are on death row...' Not trying to minimize your plight, just want you to realize that there are people that fall in love in their 70/80's.....It can happen to you, probably sooner than you think... TFY Yes I am 22 and my birthday is coming up in Jan. Not sure if it’s even worth it to wait until I’m 70 at that point I’d rather just die. I appreciate the uplifting post, I cried yesterday (idk why I did) and this made me feel a little better 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HiCrunchy Posted October 27, 2017 Author Share Posted October 27, 2017 I'm kind of the same way, but then there's no telling when I will find someone attractive. For me, it's more about who they are. I'm with you on celebs. For me, most actors are too plain vanilla mainstream for me and I only find a couple attractive. Don't worry about that. What made you attracted to your ex? Were you at first? Was it instant or after you learned more about him? I think the key will be to find someone with whom you have strong common interests and stimulate each other, though you did say intellectual talk wasn't doing it for you. I’m not sure if you were referring to me or cookie’s post. I was attracted to him physically first (instantly) and then I got to know him and fell in love. He actually told me he loved me first and I couldn’t say it back when he did. But then I fell in love with him so hard. I guess that’s why I miss him so much. He was funny (as in he told really bad puns and Dad jokes. Most people don’t like them but I thought they were charming. It was one of the things he liked about me), he was really smart, he was analytical (the always thought before he spoke. He would pause in the middle of conversation just to think before he formulated his response. He wasn’t afraid of the awkward silence), I loved how he planned dates and wanted to talk with me as a person, his cheeky grin, I liked how he was a good balance between being extroverted and introverted, he was out going, and career oriented (he is currently getting his PhD in physics, I liked how he was a private person and wasn’t into gossip or drama. He was athletic (it motivated me to try to get in shape), and everyone loved him. He was very popular in college. Haha I don’t wanna ramble.. He was a great guy and I miss him. No He said the intellectual part wasn’t doing it for him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 (edited) Yes I am 22 and my birthday is coming up in Jan. Not sure if it’s even worth it to wait until I’m 70 at that point I’d rather just die. I appreciate the uplifting post, I cried yesterday (idk why I did) and this made me feel a little better C'mon....I got shirts older than you....(no, not kidding) Try to put it all into proper perspective...The world is at your feet at your age.....Save this nonsense when you turn 60 and have a bunch of cats, waste your days yelling at the neighborhood kids playing, and then you can lament on why it hasn't happened for you..Not now, ffs.. This may be a bit harsh, but at your age, there is a very good chance that what you thought was love really wasn't...You will clearly understand this at a later time.. It's too early to go in the tank, kid...Way too early... TFY Edited October 27, 2017 by thefooloftheyear 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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