This is why you don't look at their social media (a cautionary tale)

[FoundMyStrength]

As some of you know, I was involved in a brief, mostly emotional affair with a married man that I met at an off-site work assignment. After a few months, I broke contact pretty decisively. Since then I've tried to avoid his social media, even though we still have mutual friends.

 

Until now. Now is the one year "anniversary" of this stupid thing I got myself into, and the memories got to me. So I looked. Big mistake.

 

This is a man who doesn't post about his life. He is an amateur photographer and largely posts pictures of buildings, architecture, nature, interesting things he sees in the world. But the posts during this "anniversary" period are full of pictures of his wife, her garden, the vacation he just took with her. The kicker was the most recent picture of their new kitten, which eerily enough, has my name. That last one flipped me out. Of all the pet names in the world, mine?

 

Anyway, I'm writing this post as a cautionary tale. Don't ever look at their social media. Not six months out, not a year out, not ever. You probably won't like what you find. And some of it might be downright strange. I mean, who does that? Names their new kitten after their former AP (he never told his wife)? Ugh. How did I ever think this man was worth my time?

[elaine567]

I mean, who does that? Names their new kitten after their former AP (he never told his wife)? Ugh. How did I ever think this man was worth my time?

 

Maybe he didn't actually get a say in the kitten's name and cringed just as much as you did when he found out... Maybe his wife HAS found out and he doesn't know, and it is a "joke" on her part.

or he has a weird sense of humour, cat=pussy, or he knew you would check and was sending you "a message" - good or bad I am not sure...

 

But yes it is all a bit unsettling...

[OWAmy]

I think it's good to look. It's given you a reality check and now you see him as creepy. Maybe there was something in what he named his cat. Not to the extent of Elaine's vivid imagination though ?

 

Getting over one year anniversaries can be difficult for people but you've probably turned a corner now. There will likely be more anniversaries of things you did together but once you reach the anniversary of the end I'm sure you'll be fine especially since you ended it.

[FoundMyStrength]

Maybe he didn't actually get a say in the kitten's name and cringed just as much as you did when he found out... Maybe his wife HAS found out and he doesn't know, and it is a "joke" on her part.

or he has a weird sense of humour, cat=pussy, or he knew you would check and was sending you "a message" - good or bad I am not sure...

 

But yes it is all a bit unsettling...

 

Yes, I did think about the second thing you mentioned. That his wife found out despite his lame attempts at keeping it secret, and this is her way of sending a message. Strangely enough, one of things he and I bonded about was our love of cats, and his desire to have one over his wife's hesitation.

 

It's all quite odd. Regardless of what the message is, or who it's from, or if it even is a message, I'm just glad I'm out of that situation. No more peeks at social media.

[Poppy47]

Don't overthink this too much since it was a brief emotional affair.

 

Maybe he named the kitten after you because he was really fond of you.... who knows???

 

You will never know, so don't go looking again.

 

Poppy.

[FoundMyStrength]

I think it's good to look. It's given you a reality check and now you see him as creepy. Maybe there was something in what he named his cat. Not to the extent of Elaine's vivid imagination though ?

 

Getting over one year anniversaries can be difficult for people but you've probably turned a corner now. There will likely be more anniversaries of things you did together but once you reach the anniversary of the end I'm sure you'll be fine especially since you ended it.

 

Thanks for the reframe on this. Regardless of what the message is -- as Elaine put it, good or bad, who knows -- it is truly a creepy thing to do. My childhood cat lived 20 years, and most live at least 10. So, 10-20 years from now, this man and his wife will still be calling their cat by my name? Unbelievably weird and creepy.

 

Anyway, you're right, in some ways it does feel better now that I saw that. I've already moved on to a new relationship, which feels good and is honest and open (they know about what happened), and this was a good reminder of why I made the decision to extricate myself from this sh*t show.

[FoundMyStrength]

Don't overthink this too much since it was a brief emotional affair.

 

Maybe he named the kitten after you because he was really fond of you.... who knows???

 

You will never know, so don't go looking again.

 

Poppy.

 

Haha, yes, I am firmly back on the no social media train. It was chugging along so smoothly, too...what in the world was I thinking.

[deadsoul]

Yes... I'm off social media and it has been for the best.

 

Yes, the cat's name is creepy, but as someone so eloquently posted around here, not your circus, not your monkeys...

 

But yeah, when one wants to hurt, go look on their social media and that does it.

[jah526]

I read something once about how the driving force of affairs for many MM is a need to rebel. Maybe this is his little rebellion, his little f you to his wife.

 

Yeah social media just leaves us with more questions than answers. It's maddening. It's the thing I find hardest to leave behind.

 

Congrats FMS on the new relationship. That's awesome.

[TheBathWater]

I don't think it's so bad that you looked. If anything, it sounds like it furthered the digestion process and mourning of the affair you were a part of. You're suggesting that you shouldn't have done it only because you know it would be unhealthy to do regularly, as I'm sure you did many 'unhealthy' behaviors regularly while with this man. You're already well-acquainted with the many ups and downs that come post-affair life, and having experienced enough of them by now, you'll ride out this most recent one quicker than the earlier ones, I suspect.

 

Oh, and congratulations on the new relationship! I am always so glad to hear when an ex OW/OM has entered into a healthy, reciprocal, REAL relationship. It personally gives me hope. I'm still relatively fresh out of an affair as an OM. It was easily the most gut-wrenching experience of my romantic (entire?) life. Because the experience is so unusual to be in, I worry that I've crossed some line that I can never come back from...and by that, I mean never being able to be in a healthy relationship again. So I'm very grateful to hear about your recovery process, and I hope you continue it further each day.

 

All the best!

[FoundMyStrength]

I read something once about how the driving force of affairs for many MM is a need to rebel. Maybe this is his little rebellion, his little f you to his wife.

 

Yeah social media just leaves us with more questions than answers. It's maddening. It's the thing I find hardest to leave behind.

 

Congrats FMS on the new relationship. That's awesome.

 

Oh jah, wouldn't that be awful. To be married to a man who rebels by naming your new cat after his former, still secret affair partner. If true, it does make you wonder, how could I have missed what a complete and total @sshole he was?

 

Thanks for the congrats. It's early on, but it feels good to have someone that knows what happened and accepts me anyway. A solid foundation.

[bealigerent]

Hello, FMS-

How about if an exAP steals the look of his new home from you? Ain't THAT a slap in the face? Both to her, and myself?

ExMM was always looking at my decor. I am an antiquer and ex-hippie who has pretty unusual taste. I remember he remarked more than once on a few of my items- an Art Deco mirror, a ceramic piece- even my headboard. At the time, he and his family were in an apartment in NJ and he said they didn't have headboards.

So when we Skyped the last few times, I saw he had bought a headboard with ironwork similar to mine. Another time he must have been in his son's BR b/c there was yet ANOTHER headboard. And he actually had me walk around with my laptop to refresh his memories of my house once! I thought it was nostalgia,but...

I mentioned before I had peeked at his wife's Instagram. How nice the holiday setup looked, with that LACE TABLECLOTH AND RETRO DINING SET. It did seem a bit odd, since his wife is in her 30s, very contemporary, and from a culture where this look would be seen as peculiar.

So his BS may be having her nice new home furnished according to MY taste. I will never know for sure, but what a bizarre thing, knowing he will be reminded of me every time he sits down to a meal.

[freengreen]

Wow..

 

Firstly the man I was invloved was also into architectural photography..

 

Anyway, how could that man let the cat get named over you??!. Of the things you told about him I remember him being just about caring but mostly loves himself more. Or he couldnt care less about what he calls his cat, your name or any other name ( that would be amazingly insensitive)... Dosnt every time he calls the cat remind him of everything he had with you?.. or may be he is over with it waay earlier than you are... but a big round of super slow claps for that guy... just wow.

[FoundMyStrength]

Hello, FMS-

How about if an exAP steals the look of his new home from you? Ain't THAT a slap in the face? Both to her, and myself?

ExMM was always looking at my decor. I am an antiquer and ex-hippie who has pretty unusual taste. I remember he remarked more than once on a few of my items- an Art Deco mirror, a ceramic piece- even my headboard. At the time, he and his family were in an apartment in NJ and he said they didn't have headboards.

So when we Skyped the last few times, I saw he had bought a headboard with ironwork similar to mine. Another time he must have been in his son's BR b/c there was yet ANOTHER headboard. And he actually had me walk around with my laptop to refresh his memories of my house once! I thought it was nostalgia,but...

I mentioned before I had peeked at his wife's Instagram. How nice the holiday setup looked, with that LACE TABLECLOTH AND RETRO DINING SET. It did seem a bit odd, since his wife is in her 30s, very contemporary, and from a culture where this look would be seen as peculiar.

So his BS may be having her nice new home furnished according to MY taste. I will never know for sure, but what a bizarre thing, knowing he will be reminded of me every time he sits down to a meal.

 

Oh, that's just as eerie and weird.

 

It's hard to explain to people who haven't been through it why it sketches me out that this kitten has my name. I think it's because so much of an affair is in those subtle messages that are sent via looks, glances, texts, social media, subtext. I think there is meaning there. Maybe that he's over it, maybe to remember me, maybe to rebel against his wife, maybe his wife's revenge on him. But it's probably not accidental. Just like your MM's decor choices are not accidental. And it is just sketchiness all around.

[FoundMyStrength]

Wow..

 

Firstly the man I was invloved was also into architectural photography..

 

Anyway, how could that man let the cat get named over you??!. Of the things you told about him I remember him being just about caring but mostly loves himself more. Or he couldnt care less about what he calls his cat, your name or any other name ( that would be amazingly insensitive)... Dosnt every time he calls the cat remind him of everything he had with you?.. or may be he is over with it waay earlier than you are... but a big round of super slow claps for that guy... just wow.

 

I don't know. It's really weird. He did tell me once that he and the wife held off on getting a cat because of uncertainty about the future (where they'd live, in the U.S. or elsewhere). (They don't have children by choice, so cat is a proxy). Maybe it's his way of saying to the world, well I've made my choice, no longer uncertain. Oh and by the way, person I had an affair with, this is just a reminder that that choice wasn't you. Or maybe he remembers our talks about cats, and this is a fond reminder of me?

 

Either way, I'm all for a round of super slow claps for the man.

 

Also, I kind of just hope that poor kitten is given the love its due. Because if I was a cat, I'd be super pissed at being given that name.

[stillafool]

Maybe he didn't actually get a say in the kitten's name and cringed just as much as you did when he found out... Maybe his wife HAS found out and he doesn't know, and it is a "joke" on her part.

or he has a weird sense of humour, cat=pussy, or he knew you would check and was sending you "a message" - good or bad I am not sure...

 

But yes it is all a bit unsettling...

 

I kinda think the above is correct because in most marriages the wife usually picks the names of pets. Especially a first time kitty or puppy. I know I always name our pets. My poor husband.

[KimJ1234]

I think your reading too much into this. In your OP you mentioned it was only a brief emotional affair (mostly).

 

I doubt he's pining away for you after all this time.

 

The name was probably a coincidence (ie. his wife or children named it) or he's just being narcissistic and wants you to remember him. Who knows, maybe he's moved on to other AP's and the name just doesn't mean anything to him.

 

Move on and don't look back. He sounds like a loser.

[freengreen]

I think your reading too much into this. In your OP you mentioned it was only a brief emotional affair (mostly).

 

I doubt he's pining away for you after all this time.

 

The name was probably a coincidence (ie. his wife or children named it) or he's just being narcissistic and wants you to remember him. Who knows, maybe he's moved on to other AP's and the name just doesn't mean anything to him.

 

Move on and don't look back. He sounds like a loser.

... and then theres a second cat .... that would question his state of mind thou.