BF is getting jealous of a guy friend of mine for no apparent reason

[Space Ritual]

What do you think I should do?

 

You had me until you mentioned you had your friends list hidden...from boyfriend of a year at that.

 

"Well played!!" said the Hangman

 

Get your head out of your rump and realize those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

You apparently have a LOT to hide.

 

Very poor excuses, young lady. If you were my GF and you gave me a 10th of the needless headache you are visiting upon your BF, I'd dump you as soon as possible, perhaps without as much as a warning. You do a lot of dancing around the truth of your feelings but your waltz is quite common.

 

 

Give the guy a gift and break up with him. That is the biggest favor you'll ever do for him.

 

Not trying to be mean, but your initial post has been written literally thousands of times in the near decade I've been here. And it always turns out the same...poorly for everyone involved.

 

Just end the relationship. You simply do not currently possess the tools necessary for being a long term partner.

[jkeefer928]

Again, thx to everyone for their honest responses. This issue has been driving me crazy lately and all POVs are greatly appreciated. I will try to respond to as many relevant responses as I can.

 

Oh dear.. so how often do you see him now? The guy you used to get drunk with and kiss and cuddle.

 

I see Matt most every day, but normally just to study together and maybe grab coffee. But we only hang out a few times a week, and only then for a few hours at a time.

 

And half an hour is not far.. why are people talking about distance??

 

Half an hour is not far to travel to see someone you care about. It's a lame excuse to not see him.

 

Well, it’s a lot farther than where most of my friends live. Many of them, including Matt, are just a few miles away. So it’s much easier to make plans with them, and then, at that point, I’m already engaged. But you guys are right, it’s really not that far.

 

Going to dinner and a movie (as much as you may protest) is a date.

 

Yes, I understand that one could interpret it like that, but since our relationship is strictly platonic I honestly don’t feel it’s a “date”. That implies more than just friendship imho.

 

 

BTW, who paid for the dinner and movie????

 

Matt usually pays, but that has nothing to do with our relationship. He just happens to have more money than me (his dad is a doctor).

 

If after the discussion on boundaries, your BFs behavior does not change, then it is time to move on....this controlling behavior sounds to me like it has the potential to become abusive and that's an immediate deal breaker....it wont get better, only worse and more dangerous....

 

Yes, I understand. Even tho I love my bf, if he ever became abusive I would definitely have to break up with him.

 

You talk a lot about how you don't feel anything for him, but what does he feel for you?

How about Matt's feelings for you?

 

You really want to know where your bf is getting his info about Matt? You think your bf snooped on your phone? Why would he do that since the one feeding him the info is Matt himself, probably through an intermediary. Your friend since 9th grade is feeling more for you than you are for him, but that will change when he steps in to offer 'comfort' when you come to him devastated over the eventual break up.... Yeah, I know what you are going to say: "Matt is decent and as pure as the driven snow and he would never resort to such tactics... etc." My one question for you to answer would be this: Why is Matt spending so much time with you when he has a FWB he can be pile driving instead? No man spends that amount of time on someone he considers a platonic friend - and it sounds like you are spending more time with Matt than your BF, who is 30 minutes away and is therefore unavailable... One last observation - you have mentioned Matt by name many, many times, but your bf is only anonymous 'bf' - you haven't even graced him with the dignity of giving him a fake name. Are you absolutely sure you have no feelings for Matt? From where I am sitting, it really doesn't look like it...

 

I can definitely understand people questioning Matt’s motives and his true feelings for me. All I can say is that I know him VERY well (since grade school) and he really isn’t like that. As I already explained, we already ‘tested the waters’ back in high school but both of us didn’t feel right about it, so we decided to just remain friends. And since then we have not once succumbed to temptation even tho there have been numerous “opportunities”. I honestly feel that Matt and I are just close friends who have been there for each other, and I’m confident he is not out to ruin my relationship. In fact, I remember that when he found out I had a bf he was genuinely very happy for me.

 

Now, as far as physical attraction goes, that’s another story. I mean, I know I’m not particularly physically attracted to him, but I admit he is probably physically attracted to me (after all, I am a swimwear and lingerie model) but I’m confident he would never act on it. And after 2 years I’m pretty confident about that. But I will admit there is definitely some physical attraction on his part because I notice he will respond physically (if you know what I mean ) if I flirt with him. In fact, that’s why I’ve toned down on the flirting. I don’t want him to get the wrong impression.

 

One key word, Boundaries!! Never would i support the hardline questioning however to me, it appears that you and your BF need to establish agreed upon boundaries.

 

I agree, but have a question about “boundaries”. Do you think it’s appropriate for my bf to be questioning how I dress? I ask because he never had a problem with anything I wore until he started getting jealous of my friend, but now he’s questioning me on that. Last night he was complaining about what I wore when I went out with Matt and it surprised me because he has never done this before. I don’t feel comfortable with him telling me what I can and cannot wear!

[smackie9]

I had a BF that over time grew insanely jealous. And yes he would complain about how I dressed, questioning me where I was all the time, tried to trick me with questions to see if I would slip up...it just got worse and worse. There were no words to change or calm him down. I was very young then, and mistook it as him just caring about me. Boy was I ever wrong.

 

This is getting bad for you and I can see it. His next step is to start separating you from your friends. It's happening. If it gets any worse, you need to get out now.

[Space Ritual]

I agree, but have a question about “boundaries”. Do you think it’s appropriate for my bf to be questioning how I dress? I ask because he never had a problem with anything I wore until he started getting jealous of my friend, but now he’s questioning me on that. Last night he was complaining about what I wore when I went out with Matt and it surprised me because he has never done this before. I don’t feel comfortable with him telling me what I can and cannot wear!

 

 

Again, not to be mean, but...well....

 

You still do not get it do you?

 

YOU brought all of this upon YOURSELF by YOUR Actions. You have undertaken actions that have given your BF pause. He now is questioning whether or not you not only can be trusted, but he is probably now really having a crisis as to whether to continue with you.

 

And who the hell can blame him? Please reread your posts here and really read them well. And try to understand how you come across as a bit unconcerned with the fallout form your own actions.

 

This is what I meant in my earlier post about you lacking the tools. Maybe just not enough experience in inexact outcomes. And while that is ok, you have yet to get to the place where you recognize that actions usually have unintended, albeit very real consequences.

 

You blame a lot of things that are subject to compromise on both of your parts if he means this much to you. These are easily solvable IF it is what you want. But if not, then spare the poor guy any more potential emasculation than he is already suffering.

 

Something that most of us males refuse to admit is that we have far more fragile egos than we ever let on. You are doing nothing to put your BF's mind at ease as he is waffling between doing the Pick Me Dance with you or Shufflin Off to Buffalo.

 

So if you are really looking for the answers, look in the mirror and ask yourself "Am I getting what I want out of my relationship or am I getting exactly what I am putting into it?. It's ok if you want to call it quits or continue but please understand that you need to make a decision and commit to it if you expect the relationship to work and not end up a farce of one upsmanship.

 

Good Luck.

[trustyourself]

 

 

 

I see Matt most every day, but normally just to study together and maybe grab coffee. But we only hang out a few times a week, and only then for a few hours at a time.

 

 

 

Well, it’s a lot farther than where most of my friends live. Many of them, including Matt, are just a few miles away. So it’s much easier to make plans with them, and then, at that point, I’m already engaged. But you guys are right, it’s really not that far.

 

 

 

 

Honestly, it just seems like you are not that into your boyfriend.

 

If I was dating someone, and they were hanging out with another guy more than me, I would be annoyed and suspicious too.

 

I understand you want time to hang with your friends, but you clearly do not understand that you are neglecting your guy, and his needs.

[frigginlost]

 

I can definitely understand people questioning Matt’s motives and his true feelings for me. All I can say is that I know him VERY well (since grade school) and he really isn’t like that. As I already explained, we already ‘tested the waters’ back in high school but both of us didn’t feel right about it, so we decided to just remain friends. And since then we have not once succumbed to temptation even tho there have been numerous “opportunities”. I honestly feel that Matt and I are just close friends who have been there for each other, and I’m confident he is not out to ruin my relationship. In fact, I remember that when he found out I had a bf he was genuinely very happy for me.

 

Now, as far as physical attraction goes, that’s another story. I mean, I know I’m not particularly physically attracted to him, but I admit he is probably physically attracted to me (after all, I am a swimwear and lingerie model) but I’m confident he would never act on it. And after 2 years I’m pretty confident about that. But I will admit there is definitely some physical attraction on his part because I notice he will respond physically (if you know what I mean ) if I flirt with him. In fact, that’s why I’ve toned down on the flirting. I don’t want him to get the wrong impression.

 

 

 

I agree, but have a question about “boundaries”. Do you think it’s appropriate for my bf to be questioning how I dress? I ask because he never had a problem with anything I wore until he started getting jealous of my friend, but now he’s questioning me on that. Last night he was complaining about what I wore when I went out with Matt and it surprised me because he has never done this before. I don’t feel comfortable with him telling me what I can and cannot wear!

 

You're a damn train wreck in the making. Get your head on straight.

 

If you can't see anything wrong with what you have written regarding your friend Matt, there is simply no help for you in the immediate future. You simply are not relationship material. At all.

 

Your boyfriends actions are only going to get worse...

[jkeefer928]

Friggin, I'm not really sure what you're driving at. You can be sexually attracted to someone and even flirt with them (I mean in a playful way, of course, not seriously) and still just be friends. In fact, I think that's the norm when you are friends with the opposite sex, and it's what I see in most of my friends' opposite sex friendships. This is normal and natural, and doesn't mean that anyone actually wants to be in a relationship with the other, or even to have sex with them. I mean, it's a perfectly natural reaction to be attracted to the opposite sex, even if they're just a friend, and any flirting is a normal and healthy way to release any underlying tension. It's not like flirting with someone you are trying to actually get. I call it "playful" flirting, as opposed to "serious" flirting, and I see nothing wrong with it, tbh.

 

So yes, there may be some underlying physical attraction here (but definitely more on his part than mine, imho), and we might occasionally playfully flirt (but never seriously), but I know we are just friends and that it is both of our decision because we have never crossed the line since high school and more importantly have discussed the issue quite thoroughly and honestly with each other.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're essentially dating this Matt and your boyfriend is the poor shmoe watching from the sidelines.

 

You like the attention from Matt, is what I'm getting. And you're just not that into your boyfriend.

 

Have you posted about this before? For some reason, this story is very familiar. Or am I confusing you with someone else, OP?

[frigginlost]

Friggin, I'm not really sure what you're driving at. You can be sexually attracted to someone and even flirt with them (I mean in a playful way, of course, not seriously) and still just be friends. In fact, I think that's the norm when you are friends with the opposite sex, and it's what I see in most of my friends' opposite sex friendships. This is normal and natural, and doesn't mean that anyone actually wants to be in a relationship with the other, or even to have sex with them. I mean, it's a perfectly natural reaction to be attracted to the opposite sex, even if they're just a friend, and any flirting is a normal and healthy way to release any underlying tension. It's not like flirting with someone you are trying to actually get. I call it "playful" flirting, as opposed to "serious" flirting, and I see nothing wrong with it, tbh.

 

So yes, there may be some underlying physical attraction here (but definitely more on his part than mine, imho), and we might occasionally playfully flirt (but never seriously), but I know we are just friends and that it is both of our decision because we have never crossed the line since high school and more importantly have discussed the issue quite thoroughly and honestly with each other.

 

That entire thesis you just wrote regarding the interpersonal sexual tug of war between friends, can be wrapped up a whole lost easier:

 

"You crave attention and you have no boundaries in relation to receiving it".

 

Your boyfriend will figure it out long before you do.

 

Best of Luck.

[road]

Again, thx to everyone for their honest responses. This issue has been driving me crazy lately and all POVs are greatly appreciated. I will try to respond to as many relevant responses as I can.

 

I see Matt most every day, but normally just to study together and maybe grab coffee. But we only hang out a few times a week, and only then for a few hours at a time.

 

 

Three hours at a time three times a week is the same as going out on three dates a week with Matt.

 

 

Well, it’s a lot farther than where most of my friends live. Many of them, including Matt, are just a few miles away. So it’s much easier to make plans with them, and then, at that point, I’m already engaged. But you guys are right, it’s really not that far.

 

 

You make plans first with Matt before seeing if your BF wants

to see you.

 

This shows that Matt is in the number 1 boyfriend spot.

 

 

Yes, I understand that one could interpret it like that, but since our relationship is strictly platonic I honestly don’t feel it’s a “date”. That implies more than just friendship imho.

 

 

You want us to believe you are just friends.

 

 

Matt usually pays, but that has nothing to do with our relationship. He just happens to have more money than me (his dad is a doctor).

 

 

Though you let Matt take you out and buy you dinners. That is

not the behavior of just friends but the behavior of a boyfriend.

 

 

Yes, I understand. Even tho I love my bf, if he ever became abusive I would definitely have to break up with him.

 

 

Sorry but a man standing up for himself is not being abusive. He is

being a man.

 

 

I can definitely understand people questioning Matt’s motives and his true feelings for me. All I can say is that I know him VERY well (since grade school) and he really isn’t like that. As I already explained, we already ‘tested the waters’ back in high school but both of us didn’t feel right about it, so we decided to just remain friends. And since then we have not once succumbed to temptation even tho there have been numerous “opportunities”. I honestly feel that Matt and I are just close friends who have been there for each other, and I’m confident he is not out to ruin my relationship. In fact, I remember that when he found out I had a bf he was genuinely very happy for me.

 

 

You choose to ignore that Matt likes you in "that way". He is

being an orbiter using the I just want to be your friend angle to

to get back into boyfriend status with you.

 

 

Now, as far as physical attraction goes, that’s another story. I mean, I know I’m not particularly physically attracted to him, but I admit he is probably physically attracted to me (after all, I am a swimwear and lingerie model) but I’m confident he would never act on it. And after 2 years I’m pretty confident about that. But I will admit there is definitely some physical attraction on his part because I notice he will respond physically (if you know what I mean ) if I flirt with him. In fact, that’s why I’ve toned down on the flirting. I don’t want him to get the wrong impression.

 

 

You are an orbit master you tease Matt enough to keep him

around so you can use him to buy dinners, and entertain you.

 

Also to flirt to the point that you are giving Matt erections.

Wait till your BF finds this little gem out.

[basil67]

You can be sexually attracted to someone and even flirt with them (I mean in a playful way, of course, not seriously) and still just be friends. In fact, I think that's the norm when you are friends with the opposite sex, and it's what I see in most of my friends' opposite sex friendships. This is normal and natural, and doesn't mean that anyone actually wants to be in a relationship with the other, or even to have sex with them. I mean, it's a perfectly natural reaction to be attracted to the opposite sex, even if they're just a friend, and any flirting is a normal and healthy way to release any underlying tension. It's not like flirting with someone you are trying to actually get. I call it "playful" flirting, as opposed to "serious" flirting, and I see nothing wrong with it, tbh.

 

You may see nothing wrong with this, but your boyfriend does. And I'm guessing that most of the posters on this thread would disagree with you too.

 

Turn this around for a bit. You've got a boyfriend who has a best girlfriend who has the hots for him and they flirt with each other. He's never let you meet her and hasn't completely opened up with you about their history. Oh, and he prioritises seeing her over you. Are you telling me that you'd be fine with all of this?

[kgcolonel]

Quote:

Oh dear.. so how often do you see him now? The guy you used to get drunk with and kiss and cuddle.

I see Matt most every day, but normally just to study together and maybe grab coffee. But we only hang out a few times a week, and only then for a few hours at a time.

 

Quote:

And half an hour is not far.. why are people talking about distance??

 

Half an hour is not far to travel to see someone you care about. It's a lame excuse to not see him.

Well, it’s a lot farther than where most of my friends live. Many of them, including Matt, are just a few miles away. So it’s much easier to make plans with them, and then, at that point, I’m already engaged. But you guys are right, it’s really not that far.

 

Quote:

Going to dinner and a movie (as much as you may protest) is a date.

Yes, I understand that one could interpret it like that, but since our relationship is strictly platonic I honestly don’t feel it’s a “date”. That implies more than just friendship imho.

 

 

Quote:

BTW, who paid for the dinner and movie????

Matt usually pays, but that has nothing to do with our relationship. He just happens to have more money than me (his dad is a doctor).

 

Oh PLEASE...you're dating Matt whether you're willing to admit it or not....I agree with earlier posters, you're doing this TO your BF...he knows and sees this happening, expresses his concerns, is willing to fight for the relationship questioning you to get you to see what you're doing and you spin it as he's controlling.

 

Just let him go...I can't tell if you're doing this intentionally at first but you now have been told that what you're doing with Matt is a date, your BF sees it as such and yet you still do it under the guise of "we're platonic friends". You may be platonic (now) but there is more than friendship going on...either you're leading Matt on (I think likely knowing that he's attracted to you), you're really not that into your BF (you don't keep doing something that hurts your SO if you really love him) or you're young and don't yet understand relationships....IMO it's all three.

 

You need to spare your BF and cut him loose to find someone who wants to make him their number 1 and not use a play on words to cake eat.....

 

JMHO

[Dark-Farmer]

It sounds like you are a really beautiful girl with a whole bunch of "orbiters"

Just look up the word "orbiter" they actually made a slang word for guys like Matt.

 

Sure Matt may have said he's not interested. It was most likely because he was nervous or inexperienced. You're a swimwear and lingerie I'm sure if you approached him and said i want no string attached sex that he would not say no.

 

The fact he pays for everything says something too. Would you take one of your girl friends out and CONSISTENTLY pay for them over and over?

 

Having and flirting with all your guys friends is not something that any long term prospect will be looking for. If your young that is fine, just don't pretend to want something serious with your boyfriend. Then you can flirt and date and fall for anyone. friend or stranger. Look at any older married couple (say mid thirties or forties), do you think they have friends who take them out pay, alone, and flirt with each other?

 

If your young and beautiful you will have many many "orbiters" to come in your life. That will just float around you "hang out" with you and "buy" you stuff just for an opportunity to get in your pants or have a chance with you. Whether if that's fine with you or not the sooner you realize that the better off you will be.

 

PS: the type of relationship you have with Matt absolutely will not last for ever. Either a future prospect of yours or of his, once they become serious, will not approve. That doesn't mean you might not be friends, but definitely not in the same way you are now.

[jkeefer928]

I can appreciate why you guys think that Matt is an "orbiter". I would also probably have that kind of knee-jerk reaction if I heard this story from someone else, because sure, usually it's true. But I think you guys will have to trust me on this one. I've known Matt since grade school and he's really not that kind of guy. I know that may sound naive, it would to me if I didn't know him, but honestly he's a really good guy and he would never waste his time "orbiting" anyone. And him paying when we go out doesn't mean anything. He also often pays for his other friends, both guys and girls, at least his closest ones, just because he can and he wants to. I know that seems odd but he honestly is that generous with his best friends.

 

But anyways, I have an update. I decided to take the advice of some of the posters here and I'm arranging a double date with Matt and his gf. I'm hoping that once my bf gets to know Matt better he will see that he has no reason at all to be suspicious. I'm trying to set it up for this Friday, and if all goes as planned I'll come back to let you all know how it went.

 

Wish me luck!

[usa1ah]

Have you asked your bf how he got his info about Matt?

 

Or are you just taking it for granted the pos hacked your phone or fb.

 

I love the way your standing up for Matt and throwing your bf under the bus.

 

I feel bad for your bf. What ever his name might be.

Edited September 6, 2017 by usa1ah

[usa1ah]

Just seeing something's that you do with Matt. Funny thing, my son and his gf do all the things you and Matt do. I would have thought a gf would want to do those things with her bf.

[Try]

Well, this past weekend, while we were discussing this issue, he began asking LOTS of questions about this one particular guy friend of mine (Matt) that I’ve been friends with since 9th grade. Apparently he’s suspicious of this guy and it’s obvious that he’s getting very jealous of him for some reason, but I have no idea why. I was surprised he even knew about him at all because my friends list on fb is private

I admit that I haven’t told him a lot yet, because I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling him everything so soon

I’ve found myself not being completely honest with him, which I HATE doing but it seems it’s the only way to avoid being confrontational with him. For example, earlier today he asked me if I could see him tonite, but I already had plans with Matt. Well, I KNEW he’d get mad if I told him that, so I said I already had plans to get dinner and see a movie with “some friends”. I hated not just telling him the whole truth, that really it’s just Matt, but I just was not in the mood for another argument. But to me, the fact that I can’t be entirely truthful with him at this point is reason for concern. I mean, what kind of relationship is it if you cannot be competely truthful with your partner? I just don’t think that’s healthy in a relationship.

Since you were “surprised” that your BF “even knew about” Matt “at all because my friends list on fb is private”, this means that after being in a relationship with your BF for an entire year, you never even talked about seeing Matt much less introduced your BF to Matt, and even deliberately hid Matt from your BF by keeping your friends list on fb “private” from him. Furthermore, you admit that you “ haven’t told him a lot yet”, because you “wouldn’t feel comfortable telling him everything so soon”; this after a year. Throw in you “not being completely honest with your BF about not seeing him because you already made plans with Matt “to get dinner and see a movie”, and you sound like someone that does not understand what it means to be in a committed relationship, much less anything about honesty. As for you saying that “the fact that I can’t be entirely truthful with him at this point is reason for concern”, I call bull on this, as there is never a good reason to be a liar to your partner, especially if you then demand that they trust you. Starting day one, a trustworthy person that is good relationship material always tells the truth to their partner about members of the opposite sex, and let the chips fall where they fall

 

Bottom line, your BF has good reason not to not trust you because you rationalize actively hiding things from him, and lie point blank to his face. When you ask “what kind of relationship is it if you cannot be competely truthful with your partner? I just don’t think that’s healthy in a relationship”, I agree, but blame you for your dishonesty and deceit, not him. He has a right to know and a right to decide if he wants to be in a relationship with you based on the truth. Studies show that when there is cheating in a relationship, the cheated on partner has a harder time getting over the lying and secrets associated with the cheating, then the actual acts of cheating. As your BF has increasingly learned about the lying and secrets associated with your relationship with Matt, he is rightfully have an increasingly difficult time dealing with it. Cheating or no cheating, if you were my friends GF, I would advise him to move on and find someone that understands the value of honesty and truthfulness.

[guest569]

These stories are all too common on this site. Pretty girl, upset over her "jealous" BF, because he is upset over the non-platonic guy friend that she uses for free movies, dinners, and boosts to her ego. Meanwhile, the guy friend is attracted to her, sticks by her for years, but is just a suuuuper nice guy and totally isn't trying to bang the hot chick that he pays for all the time. Oh, and the BF better get used to not being a priority, because the guy friend always comes first. And people wonder why relationships don't work out anymore.

 

For you ladies out there who don't try to do this sort of thing, this story is precisely why men do not like women with male friends.

 

Yep! I was the bf in this scenario and so same goes with female friends. I cannot believe how blind OP remains.

[usa1ah]

Wish I could see your bf face when you tell him you want to double date with Matt. The one night he gets time with you and you want to double date with Matt.

 

I think by this time next week he will be your ex bf.

 

You will treat Matt like you always do and confirm your bf suspicions that there's something going on between you and Matt. Or, you will show restraint around Matt and not be yourself which will also confirm your bf suspicions.

[Steve51]

He has a reason. He knows how guys are. I lost both my ex fiancé and an ex girlfriend to their guy friend. I was 19 and naive. Now I know better and my wife has no male friends. Last guy who told me to let my wife decide ended up on the floor being dragged out by his two friends. Don't mess with someone fresh out of combat for a year and teaches self defense. My best man and friend lost his wife to a male friend after they smoked and drank to much. I have had three of my friend's wives touch me inappropriately just because I am better looking and wealthier than their husbands who had then living paycheck to paycheck.

 

What a guy will do is become friend. He becomes the shoulder that your wife will cry on and complain about how you do not understand her, help around the house, lousy in bed, or take her for granted. That will emotionally bond them and that is one step away from sex, just once of course. Never trust a man and women when sex is involved. A lessons I learned the hard way. When emotions enter the picture, we tend to make bad choices.

 

I have knocked down a few guys who felt that my wife should decided if she wanted to hang out with them or not. It is amazing how many millennials do not know how to fight or end it quickly. They are used to mouthing off online where no one can hurt them. I am happily married for 45 years to a woman who shared her female lovers with me for most of our marriage. I am an alpha ex jock ex decorated military man who served a year in NAm with a genius IQ. I picked up my female friends in limos and took them to Vegas to gamble and watch a show. Money no object. No sex but when they compared me to their husbands, I always won but never wanted to wreck their marriage. Just wanted to give a friend's wife a good time. May have made out with a few when they started it but never let it go past that.

 

I feel that if your spouse does not want you to see a friend, you do not see him or her. I do the same with my wife. If she does not like my friend, I dumped the friend because she was not the one performing oral sex on me every night and sharing he girlfriend with me. When you mix men with women, trouble is sure to follow.

 

If she will not get rid of a friend for you, that shows you were you stand in her life. My last girlfriend had a friend, a friend who banged her everytime they went out to see a movie I did not like or do something that did not interest me. It is amazing how easily people you trust and love can lie to you and then deny and act indigent when you accuse them until you playback the recorder hidden in your bedroom and living room.They the wife says you drove her to it. She goes from denying it ever happened to placing the blame on you. She then gets mad at you for having the nerve not to trust her. You attack her mail friend but he is not the one cheating or doing anything illegal. Your wife is the one cheating but we do not want to believe that they left us for someone they love more as it is easier to take if you imagine him taking your helpless life and making her want to have sex with him and do all the kinky things on the video while laugh about leaving the wet spot on your side of the bed. I did some security work in my time and seen it all.

 

Depending on who can provide for her better, she will leave with him. If you she will cry and promise not to do it again but all she does is learn from her mistakes and is able to hide it better. All of these things that I investigated started off with a male friend of the husband or a male co-worker just for few after work drinks that made her pour her house out to him,

[guest569]

Personally, I think that scheduling a double date right now is a bad idea. The best thing you can do if you really care about "boyfriend" and love him as much as you say.. is to ease off on Matt and schedule more time with your boyfriend.

 

You spend more time with Matt than your boyfriend

You and Matt HAVE a history (outcome is irrelevant)

You KNOW Matt is attracted to you (from his boner??)

You FLIRT with Matt

It is HURTING your boyfriend!!!

 

It's time to step up and give a damn about your boyfriend and his feelings and work on YOUR RELATIONSHIP, not building some kind of BFF relationship between the 3 or 4 of you. That is your best chance at fixing this mess that you have played a role in creating.

 

You have framed the original post in a way that paints your BF as an unreasonable demon but more details keep coming that show that your behaviour is far from innocent.

 

If you can't do this, please break up with your boyfriend. It sucks to be in his shoes.

[jkeefer928]

Try, I completely agree with you. You are right. If I expect him to trust me, then I need to be totally honest with him. And yes, any lying in a relationship is wrong. Like you say, he has a right to know what he's getting into. I really regret not being completely honest with him from the start. That was a mistake on my part.

 

From now on, if I'm going out with Matt I'm just going to be honest and tell my bf, and if he has a problem with it then we can discuss it openly and honestly. And that includes where we are going, what we did, and even what I wore.

 

However, as far as the distant past is concerned, that is a bit different imho. I'm not sure the time is right for me to divulge my entire history with Matt. There will be a time for that, but right now I don't think telling him everything would give him any peace. It would only make him worry more, so I'm not going to tell him anything about our high school days unless he presses me for more info. But if he does press me, I will tell him.

 

As far as the double date is concerned, it's already on! And I have a pretty good feeling about it. I'm confident that seeing Matt with his gf will help ease my bf's mind and change his pov on things. I've even told Matt to be extra "cuddly" with her for maximum effect!

[basil67]

Let me ask you this: If your relationship broke up, would Matt make a play for you?

[salparadise]

OP, you are obfuscating reality (perhaps to yourself as well) largely via the ambiguity in the word "friend." I hate it when people do that. It degrades a word that should be reserved for special relationships characterized by the utmost integrity. What you have is a "triangle."

 

You have two boyfriends, one that gets treated like a boyfriend (priority) but doesn't get sex, and another that gets occasional sex but not much else. And you've been keeping them in separate boxes.

 

The thing about triangles, and what you fail to see (or admit), is that the third person significantly impacts the relationship of the other two––always. In this case it erodes the purity and primacy of your boyfriend's relationship with you. But you don't care about that––what you care about is forcing him to accept it, and what really matters to you is having your cake.

 

BTW, does the boyfriend have a name, or is he sort of like an anonymous sperm donor? We hear you referring to Matt by name over and over, but the bf is just the bf. Interesting how symbology often reflects motive.

[jkeefer928]

Let me ask you this: If your relationship broke up, would Matt make a play for you?

 

Well, he did not do this for over a year before I met my bf, so I feel pretty confident saying no. Like I said, we discussed this issue openly and experimented quite a bit, and we both concluded that we were more comfortable being friends than lovers, and that we didn't want to screw up our friendship by uselessly trying to make it more than that. And since then not once has he ever made a move on me or seriously talked about getting intimate again.

 

So yes, after a year, I do trust him.