BF is getting jealous of a guy friend of mine for no apparent reason

[jkeefer928]

lol, Sal.

 

My bf's name is Ryan. I didn't throw out his name because my original intention was not to use any actual names, but I accidentally said 'Matt' instead of 'friend' in an earlier post, so after that there was no longer any point in just saying 'friend'.

[lolablue17]

Try, I completely agree with you. You are right. If I expect him to trust me, then I need to be totally honest with him. And yes, any lying in a relationship is wrong. Like you say, he has a right to know what he's getting into. I really regret not being completely honest with him from the start. That was a mistake on my part.

 

From now on, if I'm going out with Matt I'm just going to be honest and tell my bf, and if he has a problem with it then we can discuss it openly and honestly. And that includes where we are going, what we did, and even what I wore.

 

However, as far as the distant past is concerned, that is a bit different imho. I'm not sure the time is right for me to divulge my entire history with Matt. There will be a time for that, but right now I don't think telling him everything would give him any peace. It would only make him worry more, so I'm not going to tell him anything about our high school days unless he presses me for more info. But if he does press me, I will tell him.

 

As far as the double date is concerned, it's already on! And I have a pretty good feeling about it. I'm confident that seeing Matt with his gf will help ease my bf's mind and change his pov on things. I've even told Matt to be extra "cuddly" with her for maximum effect!

 

You're trying to prevent a nuclear war with bows and arrows. It's not gonna work. If you want to change things you need to dramatically change your approach. Anyway, I wish you the best... People need to make their own mistakes in order to learn.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Hello everyone,

 

My bf and I have been together just over a year now (I am 22, he is 23) and we have gotten to that stage in our relationship where we are sharing our likes and dislikes, our pet peeves, and in general are just discussing our ‘issues’ more deeply.

 

You are only NOW sharing your likes and dislikes? After a year? You should have been discussing your 'issues' long before the 1-yr mark.

 

I was surprised he even knew about him at all because my friends list on fb is private, so he can only see friends we have in common. But not only does he know about him, he also seems to know an awful lot of details about him, which means he has to have some other source of information.

 

So, you have been keeping this Matt a secret or trying to.

 

We are in love, but I don’t think that means we need to share absolutely everything about our past, especially not all at once.

 

Perhaps not 'everything', but people you are close to, yeah, I think you should be. Oh, by the way, Matt is not your past, he is your PRESENT and a person of interest while you are in a serious(?) relationship.

 

... and he knows I wouldn’t lie, but he still got mad just because my guy friend happened to be there.

 

You have been lying...by omission. By trying to hide your relationship with this guy Matt with whom you have been flirting prior to meeting him AND continue to meet w/o your bf's knowledge.

 

And I keep assuring him that yes, we are definitely just friends. And I know that for certain because before I met my bf my guy friend and I used to flirt a lot, but since then I’ve noticed that I’ve cut down on the flirting and now am acting much more friendly with him. So I know for sure that there is nothing going on between Matt and I,

 

...I've noticed....??? You've noticed that you've cut down on the flirting??? I find this a strange way to convince him and YOU that it was only flirting. Typically, people just KNOW. It's almost like a third person is observing and does not sound absolute or certain.

 

 

I feel this issue is really driving us apart, because I’ve found myself not being completely honest with him, which I HATE doing but it seems it’s the only way to avoid being confrontational with him. For example, earlier today he asked me if I could see him tonite, but I already had plans with Matt. Well, I KNEW he’d get mad if I told him that, so I said I already had plans to get dinner and see a movie with “some friends”. I hated not just telling him the whole truth, that really it’s just Matt, but I just was not in the mood for another argument. But to me, the fact that I can’t be entirely truthful with him at this point is reason for concern.

 

You haven't been 'truthful' from the start...or you haven't been entirely transparent. Still are not...

 

I mean, what kind of relationship is it if you cannot be competely truthful with your partner? I just don’t think that’s healthy in a relationship.

 

Your description and assessment of the relationship is puzzling. After a year and it sounds like you're acting like you've just started dating. Weird.

 

What do you think I should do?

 

Be more transparent or end it with him. I don't blame your bf...it would be interesting to hear what he has to say to all of this...

[doyathinkso]

Try, I completely agree with you. You are right. If I expect him to trust me, then I need to be totally honest with him. And yes, any lying in a relationship is wrong. Like you say, he has a right to know what he's getting into. I really regret not being completely honest with him from the start. That was a mistake on my part.

 

From now on, if I'm going out with Matt I'm just going to be honest and tell my bf, and if he has a problem with it then we can discuss it openly and honestly. And that includes where we are going, what we did, and even what I wore.

 

However, as far as the distant past is concerned, that is a bit different imho. I'm not sure the time is right for me to divulge my entire history with Matt. There will be a time for that, but right now I don't think telling him everything would give him any peace. It would only make him worry more, so I'm not going to tell him anything about our high school days unless he presses me for more info. But if he does press me, I will tell him.

 

As far as the double date is concerned, it's already on! And I have a pretty good feeling about it. I'm confident that seeing Matt with his gf will help ease my bf's mind and change his pov on things. I've even told Matt to be extra "cuddly" with her for maximum effect!

 

So you are actually aware that you should be honest with Ryan however you have no real intention of BEING honest with Ryan.

Hmmm.

 

You know, this attitude of yours does not make you seem to be a very nice person. Further, I think that if and when Ryan becomes aware of this game that you're playing he will relieve you of the need for carrying on with your little juggling act.

[road]

Try, I completely agree with you. You are right. If I expect him to trust me, then I need to be totally honest with him. And yes, any lying in a relationship is wrong. Like you say, he has a right to know what he's getting into. I really regret not being completely honest with him from the start. That was a mistake on my part.

 

From now on, if I'm going out with Matt I'm just going to be honest and tell my bf, and if he has a problem with it then we can discuss it openly and honestly. And that includes where we are going, what we did, and even what I wore.

 

However, as far as the distant past is concerned, that is a bit different imho. I'm not sure the time is right for me to divulge my entire history with Matt. There will be a time for that, but right now I don't think telling him everything would give him any peace. It would only make him worry more, so I'm not going to tell him anything about our high school days unless he presses me for more info. But if he does press me, I will tell him.

 

As far as the double date is concerned, it's already on! And I have a pretty good feeling about it. I'm confident that seeing Matt with his gf will help ease my bf's mind and change his pov on things. I've even told Matt to be extra "cuddly" with her for maximum effect!

 

 

You cannot have a healthy relationship with lying.

Dump your BF he deserve better.

[usa1ah]

One last thing. I think I have missed some posts.

 

So not that long ago you and Matt start experimenting with sex. After a whiile the two of you agree that the friendship is more important than trying to make it more at the time.

 

Matt made his last move on you a year before you started dating Ryan.

 

You are in love with Matt. You are scared of messing it up with him still so you're hiding your true feelings for him. All along dragging Ryan down a hopeless path with no happy ending.

 

Or this is what Matt is filling for you.

 

You still haven't said how Ryan found out about Matt.

 

Another thing, how much time do you spend with Matt just going out compared to Ryan each week?

 

And why would you tell Ryan no to going out to favor Matt?

[knabe]

Friggin, I'm not really sure what you're driving at. You can be sexually attracted to someone and even flirt with them (I mean in a playful way, of course, not seriously) and still just be friends. In fact, I think that's the norm when you are friends with the opposite sex, and it's what I see in most of my friends' opposite sex friendships. This is normal and natural, and doesn't mean that anyone actually wants to be in a relationship with the other, or even to have sex with them. I mean, it's a perfectly natural reaction to be attracted to the opposite sex, even if they're just a friend, and any flirting is a normal and healthy way to release any underlying tension. It's not like flirting with someone you are trying to actually get. I call it "playful" flirting, as opposed to "serious" flirting, and I see nothing wrong with it, tbh.

 

So yes, there may be some underlying physical attraction here (but definitely more on his part than mine, imho), and we might occasionally playfully flirt (but never seriously), but I know we are just friends and that it is both of our decision because we have never crossed the line since high school and more importantly have discussed the issue quite thoroughly and honestly with each other.

 

Again I ask, how old are you? Based on your entire thread, I am guessing 16 or 17. If it's older than 21....bless your heart.

[jkeefer928]

So not that long ago you and Matt start experimenting with sex. After a whiile the two of you agree that the friendship is more important than trying to make it more at the time.

 

Our experimenting days were long ago. We haven't done anything since I was in community college, and that was like over 2 years ago. And it wasn't really "experimenting with sex". More like just being drunk and bored, and young and stupid. There were some all-night parties where I gave him a fj/hj/bj, and I remember a few nights of cuddling naked with him. I also remember him using some sex toys on me a few times. But things like this only happened sporadically, and only over a 2 year period, and in no way did any intercourse ever occur. We were always really drunk and barely knew what the heck we were doing.

 

Matt made his last move on you a year before you started dating Ryan.

 

Like I said, more like over 2 years ago.

 

You are in love with Matt. You are scared of messing it up with him still so you're hiding your true feelings for him. All along dragging Ryan down a hopeless path with no happy ending.

 

That is ridiculous. If there's one thing I'm sure of, it's my own feelings. I mean, I did come here for honest advice, but I'm very confident I know how I feel about things. I have nothing but platonic feelings for Matt. When I'm with him, I feel like I'm with my brother. That's really how I feel, and I have no more desire for Matt as a bf than I do my own bro. My feelings for Ryan are quite different. They are passionate and intimate, and when I'm with him I feel like a woman, not anything like I feel when I'm with Matt. I can feel the difference and it's very obvious to me.

 

You still haven't said how Ryan found out about Matt.

 

I still don't know. He hasn't been forthcoming yet and I've been too afraid to press him. But I will when the timing is better.

 

Another thing, how much time do you spend with Matt just going out compared to Ryan each week?

 

I admit I used to see Matt a lot more than Ryan, but lately I have really cut back on how much time I spend with Matt in order to spend more quality time with Ryan, and also because Matt has a gf now as well. The problem is that I only have a few hours free at a time, which means that I can only see one of them on the same day. But I've been trying to be more fair about it and balance it out, so right now I probably see each of them 3 or 4 times a week. I even try to alternate days, if possible.

 

And why would you tell Ryan no to going out to favor Matt?

 

I would never say no to Ryan just to see Matt, nor would I ever "favor" Matt over him. Like I said, what happens is that he often asks after I've already made plans with Matt, and I think it would be uncool to always cancel plans just because my bf wants me to. I mean, Matt is busy too, and I think it would be really rude to mess around with his time like that.

[frigginlost]

Our experimenting days were long ago. We haven't done anything since I was in community college, and that was like over 2 years ago. And it wasn't really "experimenting with sex". More like just being drunk and bored, and young and stupid. There were some all-night parties where I gave him a fj/hj/bj, and I remember a few nights of cuddling naked with him. I also remember him using some sex toys on me a few times. But things like this only happened sporadically, and only over a 2 year period, and in no way did any intercourse ever occur. We were always really drunk and barely knew what the heck we were doing.

 

 

 

Like I said, more like over 2 years ago.

 

 

 

That is ridiculous. If there's one thing I'm sure of, it's my own feelings. I mean, I did come here for honest advice, but I'm very confident I know how I feel about things. I have nothing but platonic feelings for Matt. When I'm with him, I feel like I'm with my brother. That's really how I feel, and I have no more desire for Matt as a bf than I do my own bro. My feelings for Ryan are quite different. They are passionate and intimate, and when I'm with him I feel like a woman, not anything like I feel when I'm with Matt. I can feel the difference and it's very obvious to me.

 

 

 

I still don't know. He hasn't been forthcoming yet and I've been too afraid to press him. But I will when the timing is better.

 

 

 

I admit I used to see Matt a lot more than Ryan, but lately I have really cut back on how much time I spend with Matt in order to spend more quality time with Ryan, and also because Matt has a gf now as well. The problem is that I only have a few hours free at a time, which means that I can only see one of them on the same day. But I've been trying to be more fair about it and balance it out, so right now I probably see each of them 3 or 4 times a week. I even try to alternate days, if possible.

 

 

 

I would never say no to Ryan just to see Matt, nor would I ever "favor" Matt over him. Like I said, what happens is that he often asks after I've already made plans with Matt, and I think it would be uncool to always cancel plans just because my bf wants me to. I mean, Matt is busy too, and I think it would be really rude to mess around with his time like that.

 

As to say, you not choosing to spend time with your boyfriend but instead spending time with a "friend" you've given head to in the past...

 

You're a piece of work.

 

Ahhh... kids (and I mean that literally. You're a child) today.

Edited September 6, 2017 by frigginlost

[Space Ritual]

You have more problems than a math book!

 

In reading this thread again, it appears you are willing to double down on all of this, even going so far as to arrange a double date and not informing Ryan about your actual past with Matt.

 

Your replies to members' questions thus far are little more than Junior High rationale. It is all about you...still all about you.

 

It is almost like you are stereotyping yourself like the adage "Body by Rolls Royce, Brains by Mattel."

 

 

Look, you may fool Matt, or Ryan, or even yourself, but you are not fooling any of us.

 

If you are in fact a Swimsuit/Lingerie Model, you know full well any able bodied guy within 3 miles of you would be driving hard into the paint on you. You know that you have orbiters. Models always do.

 

You mentioned in one of your replies how much you love your boyfriend and followed up with the main reason being he would do ANYTHING for you. Well if you are as good looking as you say you are, then you know any straight guy with a Penis and a heartbeat would be willing to do ANYTHING for you.

 

You spend an inordinate amount of time attempting to paint yourself as the victim of some controlling boyfriend who would like to keep you barefoot and pregnant.

 

You don't tell us WHY you love Ryan. "He would do anything for me". is not a reason.

 

Quit playing stupid with us. You know exactly what you are doing. You get off on the drama. It's understandable if you need constant validation from men.

 

It is NOT understandable to your boyfriend when you consider the fact that by your own admission you had a past with Matt you have not divulged to Ryan. Lies by Omission are usually worse than lies of commission.

 

You are dong nothing less than dealing cards form the Bottom of the deck to your boyfriend.

 

I sure as hell hope all this is worth the effort you are putting forward for Matt to remain friends after "experimenting", unbeknownst to Ryan.

 

And planning a double date at that. How sweet....I imagine you will be more than happy to explain to Ryan and also to Matt's girlfriend that although you two fooled around a while back, that is all in the past and you and your BFF Matt are just as thick as thieves who talk about fashion trends and what's been playing on Netflix lately. And Ryan will just have to accept these unrevealed facts when they are revealed or you walk.

 

That pretty much sums it up. None of this is any mistake on anyone's part. It is all intention by you. Yes, You.

 

Any sage advice that anyone will impart to you is going to go right past you because you are shopping for the justification to continue in this charade.

 

So attempting to give you actual advice is futile.

 

One word of warning though before I go.

 

Being you are pretty young, you find yourself indestructible. We all do in our 20's.......but it very true that what comes around, goes around.

 

Right now you are skating on this issue with Ryan because you ow you have him wrapped around your finger. When danger looms, you can shake your tailfeathers in his face and keep him occupied until the next incident. You get treated by people the way you treat them. Please do some work on yourself and how you treat

 

Please be aware that not every guy you date in the future is going to put up with any of these shenanigans. Some guys act differently when they feel emasculated. Thus far you have been lucky that Ryan has only voiced displeasure and not walked. Some day down the road you may be dating somebody else that may not be so passive about these issue and when put in this position, slap the taste right out of your mouth. That is not a good thing at all, but the odds of that happening exponentially increase when you do not conduct yourself honestly and play games with people's hearts.

 

Most of us that are on this subforum are here because we arrived after having been on the receiving end of someone else's poor choices.

 

You are well within your rights to disregard everything any of us say to you. It's your life. But you will not have anything close to a satisfactory relationship of any kind in the future until you figure out that the best way to avoid these type of situations are to be honest and to act with integrity.

 

Please, please, please.....when it comes to matters of the heart, think about your choices and how they affect other people. The double date idea is atrociously evil, knowing what you, Matt, and we now know about your past. Please shelve that idea as wishful thinking and don't do it. It sacks of rubbing Ryan's nose in all of this.

 

None of what I have written to you is intended with malice, although I am sure it can be interpreted as such, and for that I apologize. No one ever accused Space Ritual of being a Diplomat. lol

 

It was intended to let you know we have ALL seen this movie before, and we are imploring you to change the script you write so it does not end up in

all too predictable fashion.

[knabe]

How. Old. Are. You?

[Poutrew]

OP, when you are setting up your double date, how are you going to explain this to Ryan? Are you going to tell him this is a guy friend you have known since high school? If so, why didn't you bother to bring it up until now?

 

Are you going to explain that you and matt were sexual but it is now ancient history? You make 2 years sound like "The ages of ages", when in fact I still have sore spots from where my ex gf would bite me that are over two years old...

 

And mostly are you going to tell Ryan how you still like giving Matt erections just to see the embarrassed look on his face? Probably not...but I think Ryan already knows much more about the shenanigans you have going on with matt than you realize.

 

Also, why are you so upset that Ryan has the info he does and wont divulge his sources to you? You obviously have kept secrets from him and will probably continue to do so (See my above text).

 

My advice to you is to dump Ryan, and to take care of Matt 'properly' the next time you titillate a stiffy out of him.

Save

Edited September 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to deleted post ~T

[jkeefer928]

Hi Everyone,

 

I just wanted to give you guys an update of my problem with my bf. []

 

Well, Ryan, Matt, Matt’s gf, and I all went out for some drinks, and we also shot some pool and went bowling. At first I detected a bit of awkwardness and rivalry between Matt and Ryan, and even between Matt’s gf and I, but it quickly dissipated and by the end of the night we were all getting along great and I feel we all had a really great time. Ryan and Matt found some common interests and did a lot of small talk, while Matt’s gf and I also socialized with each other. The whole thing ended on a really good note and Ryan even said he wouldn’t mind doing this again. Afterwards, Ryan didn’t mention anything more about Matt, but I really think we’re both on the same page now.

 

So, I feel that the double date went really well and that it’s really helped my bf with his fears and uneasiness about me and Matt’s friendship. Like I said, we didn’t talk about Matt after the date, but he told me that it’s ok if I hang out with my friends, and I told him the same. In hindsight, I’m still not sure if I should have told Ryan about my past with Matt. I just think it would have been too much too fast if I just ran my mouth about everything. But I did explain to him a bit more about me and Matt’s history, so at least he now knows that we’ve been very dear friends for a long time, and that we’ve been through a lot together and have become really close (but not too close, of course ).

 

As far as the future is concerned, I will continue to try and scale back the time I spend with Matt. Not just for Ryan’s sake, but also for Matt, because apparently his gf also had many of the same concerns about us as Ryan did. Matt and I now only spend around an hour or so studying together during the week, and we basically only hang out together maybe a few times a week.

 

So thank you to the posters who suggested that Matt and Ryan meeting and getting to know each other would help. It certainly did. I mean, I’m not sure, but I guess everything has pretty much worked itself out?

Edited September 9, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content ~6

[doyathinkso]

So you haven't been honest with Ryan yet have you?

 

"But I did explain to him a bit more about me and Matt’s history, so at least he now knows that we’ve been very dear friends for a long time, and that we’ve been through a lot together and have become really close (but not too close, of course"

 

Are your pants on fire yet?

[GoldenR]

You're playing your boyfriend for a fool. I feel sorry for him.

 

No matter how you want to rationalize it, no boyfriend would be ok with their gf studying or hanging out with a guy that she used to give hjs and bjs to.

 

If you can't be honest with your bf, why have a bf?

[kgcolonel]

Not just for Ryan’s sake, but also for Matt, because apparently his gf also had many of the same concerns about us as Ryan did.

 

So, everyone here and there except you see that there is unhealthy chemistry between you and Matt...including Matt's GF....I see this as total denial.

 

I agree with Doyouthinkso and GoldenR....you're still not being truthful with your BF. Lying by omission is still lying. At the very least, you're leading him on with a false understanding....if it came down to it, and had to chose, which one would you pick????

 

Which one would Matt pick, you or his GF.....rhetorical of course....

[Space Ritual]

Hi Everyone,

 

I just wanted to give you guys an update of my problem with my bf. []

 

Well, Ryan, Matt, Matt’s gf, and I all went out for some drinks, and we also shot some pool and went bowling. At first I detected a bit of awkwardness and rivalry between Matt and Ryan, and even between Matt’s gf and I, but it quickly dissipated and by the end of the night we were all getting along great and I feel we all had a really great time. Ryan and Matt found some common interests and did a lot of small talk, while Matt’s gf and I also socialized with each other. The whole thing ended on a really good note and Ryan even said he wouldn’t mind doing this again. Afterwards, Ryan didn’t mention anything more about Matt, but I really think we’re both on the same page now.

 

So, I feel that the double date went really well and that it’s really helped my bf with his fears and uneasiness about me and Matt’s friendship. Like I said, we didn’t talk about Matt after the date, but he told me that it’s ok if I hang out with my friends, and I told him the same. In hindsight, I’m still not sure if I should have told Ryan about my past with Matt. I just think it would have been too much too fast if I just ran my mouth about everything. But I did explain to him a bit more about me and Matt’s history, so at least he now knows that we’ve been very dear friends for a long time, and that we’ve been through a lot together and have become really close (but not too close, of course ).

 

As far as the future is concerned, I will continue to try and scale back the time I spend with Matt. Not just for Ryan’s sake, but also for Matt, because apparently his gf also had many of the same concerns about us as Ryan did. Matt and I now only spend around an hour or so studying together during the week, and we basically only hang out together maybe a few times a week.

 

So thank you to the posters who suggested that Matt and Ryan meeting and getting to know each other would help. It certainly did. I mean, I’m not sure, but I guess everything has pretty much worked itself out?

 

So although 4 of you met up, 2 of you are still in on a secret that the other 2 aren't, and would probably have different views on the 4 of you meeting up if they were.

 

Well, I have to hand it to you. You are bound and determined to control this.

 

It still is the same as it was, because a Half Truth is still a WHOLE LIE.I was willing to go with the assessment you were just an airheaded lingerie model. I have to change that assessment. You are nothing short of a manipulative

tart.

 

One of these days down the road, you are going to attempt to manipulate the wrong man. And your pretty little face wont be so pretty anymore because some guys just won't see the point of all of it and just up and start slapping you around.

 

Not saying it is right...just saying that it would not surprise anyone here with your non chalant attitude about all of this.

 

I feel very sorry for your boyfriend. You have achieved nothing except

adding another layer deception.

 

For your sake I hope he doesn't find out. It may not be tomorrow or even in this relationship, but you will get a comeuppance one day. And no one is going to reach out to help you because of how you treat people.

 

Very sad indeed.

Edited September 9, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quoted text ~6

[jkeefer928]

Yes, I totally understand the idea of “lying by omission”, and I do basically agree that he has a right to know everything at some point. But I don’t think I’m really being dishonest or lying because he hasn’t asked for more details. However, I have been completely honest with him about everything he’s asked. He’s only asked me if I’m physically attracted to Matt, if we’ve ever had sex, and if we ever dated, and I told him ‘no’ each time, which is the absolute truth. Fortunately, he hasn’t asked me for any specific details about my past with Matt, like did we ever fool around a bit, and I feel that just throwing out that information out there would come off like I’m trying to “throw it in his face’. It would be very rude and crude and I feel it would even give the impression that I’m trying to make him jealous and to worry on purpose. I honestly think it would be almost cruel for me to do that. But, like I said, if he asks I will tell him.

 

I don’t think you have to just voluntarily reveal everything about your past to be “honest”. I mean, am I being “dishonest” if I don’t tell him all about my parents growing up, my siblings, friends and enemies I had in kindergarten, my experiences with my teachers, etc, etc? It would take you forever to tell your partner your entire “life story”. Your partner simply can’t know everything about your past. For example, I know Ryan hasn’t told me everything about every girl he’s ever dated. I’m sure I don’t even know all their names. Is he being “dishonest”? Is he “lying”? Should I ask him to tell me everything about all of them? Of course not. But over time we will eventually share everything. And that’s what a relationship is all about, imo. You don’t need to share your entire life stories right from the beginning to be “honest”.

 

I think if you’re at least honest about what he asks, then you are being truthful and are not “lying” about anything. But I'm sure that at some point I will tell him everything about me and Matt even if he doesn't ask. It's just that this is not the proper time, imho.

 

I honestly feel like most of Ryan's jealously just revolves around the fact that I seem to spend more time with Matt than him. He gets really mad when I tell him I can't go out with him because I've already made plans with Matt or my other friends. So in the future I'm going to try and balance my time with them better. Instead of telling my bf I can't go out with him, I will invite him along, and to be fair I will also invite Matt to come with us when he wants to do something and I'm already going out with my bf. Not only will this be more fair, but I also think the two of them hanging out together and becoming friends will greatly help things.

[GoldenR]

So he should've asked, "Hey honey, have you ever given Matt a hand job, a blow job or used sex toys with him?" ?

 

As far as him not telling you about every girl he dated, do you think he's hanging out with one of them that he had sex with?

Edited September 9, 2017 by GoldenR

[kgcolonel]

Yes, I totally understand the idea of “lying by omission”, and I do basically agree that he has a right to know everything at some point. But I don’t think I’m really being dishonest or lying because he hasn’t asked for more details. However, I have been completely honest with him about everything he’s asked. He’s only asked me if I’m physically attracted to Matt, if we’ve ever had sex, and if we ever dated, and I told him ‘no’ each time, which is the absolute truth. Fortunately, he hasn’t asked me for any specific details about my past with Matt, like did we ever fool around a bit, and I feel that just throwing out that information out there would come off like I’m trying to “throw it in his face’. It would be very rude and crude and I feel it would even give the impression that I’m trying to make him jealous and to worry on purpose. I honestly think it would be almost cruel for me to do that. But, like I said, if he asks I will tell him.

 

I don’t think you have to just voluntarily reveal everything about your past to be “honest”. I mean, am I being “dishonest” if I don’t tell him all about my parents growing up, my siblings, friends and enemies I had in kindergarten, my experiences with my teachers, etc, etc? It would take you forever to tell your partner your entire “life story”. Your partner simply can’t know everything about your past. For example, I know Ryan hasn’t told me everything about every girl he’s ever dated. I’m sure I don’t even know all their names. Is he being “dishonest”? Is he “lying”? Should I ask him to tell me everything about all of them? Of course not. But over time we will eventually share everything. And that’s what a relationship is all about, imo. You don’t need to share your entire life stories right from the beginning to be “honest”.

 

I think if you’re at least honest about what he asks, then you are being truthful and are not “lying” about anything. But I'm sure that at some point I will tell him everything about me and Matt even if he doesn't ask. It's just that this is not the proper time, imho.

 

I honestly feel like most of Ryan's jealously just revolves around the fact that I seem to spend more time with Matt than him. He gets really mad when I tell him I can't go out with him because I've already made plans with Matt or my other friends. So in the future I'm going to try and balance my time with them better. Instead of telling my bf I can't go out with him, I will invite him along, and to be fair I will also invite Matt to come with us when he wants to do something and I'm already going out with my bf. Not only will this be more fair, but I also think the two of them hanging out together and becoming friends will greatly help things.

 

 

So....per the bolded above, you don't think HJs, FJs and BJs would be included as "sex". Under that exclusion, would you be okay if he were currently engaged in this with another female....after all, it by your definition is not sex....

 

Please be honest at least with yourself. Don't play word games with this guy, he doesn't deserve that. He has not done anything to you to warrant the deceit.

[jkeefer928]

So....per the bolded above, you don't think HJs, FJs and BJs would be included as "sex". Under that exclusion, would you be okay if he were currently engaged in this with another female....after all, it by your definition is not sex....

 

I think this might be a generational thing, because most of the older people I know would call hand/foot/oral "sex", but I've talked with my friends about this many times, both guys and girls, and virtually none of them consider stuff like that to be "sex". You're probably an older man, so it makes sense to me that you'd consider it "sex", but honestly most young people today consider it more like "foreplay", tbh.

 

And no, of course I would not be cool with Ryan doing stuff like that now with a "friend". That's because we are in a relationship. However, when I was with Matt I was not in a relationship, and there was no way for me to know at the time how this would affect a future bf, so I don't feel guilty. If I knew Ryan did things like that with a girl in the past, it would not bother me because I was not with him then, especially if she was not an ex gf. If it was an ex gf then I might get jealous. I think in a relationship you have to accept that there could be some "baggage" from a previous relationship, but this does not mean you need to live in the past.

[GoldenR]

So it would be ok for him to hang out with a female that used to be a fwb? Hilarious...

 

With the way you think and rationalize, you really will make some guy an excellent wayward wife someday!

[Poutrew]

I think this might be a generational thing, because most of the older people I know would call hand/foot/oral "sex", but I've talked with my friends about this many times, both guys and girls, and virtually none of them consider stuff like that to be "sex". You're probably an older man, so it makes sense to me that you'd consider it "sex", but honestly most young people today consider it more like "foreplay", tbh.

 

 

Yeah... I've been told by younger people that we oldsters are so unhip that it's a wonder our legs don't fall off. So if a BJ isn't sex, then you would consider giving oral to one of your friends, of either sex, as just helping out a pal? I mean, if it isn't sex, then giving a 'BJ' to another girl wouldn't make you bi, correct? IF you truly think this way, then why are you literally bending over backwards until your spine snaps, to not divulge your true past to Ryan? You really need to tell Ryan that it was Matt who named that cute little mole on your privates 'George Clooney' because it looks like his profile, or tell Ryan that he has no worries in the penis department because Matt 's is smaller. Also, when are you going to tell Ryan how you enjoy giving poor Matt erections just so you can see his embarrassed expression...? Yeah. I thought so. You are just so full of justifications for your own unacceptable behavior that you are literally choking on your own machinations. I truly feel sorry for your 'BF' and wonder how many times both you and Matt shared knowing smiles during your 'double date'...

[olivetree]

Your first thread and this one sounds exactly like another poster's.

She even named her friend and not her bf till people asked her.

The denial was strong with that one too.

 

So going by your reasoning, if Ryan had a female bff that he hung out with a few times a week and studied with a few times a week, and in the past he'd done everything with her but stick his p in her v, you'd be totally fine with it?

 

And you'd be understanding (once you found out their history eventually) that he didn't tell you he'd done everything but intercourse with his bff because you weren't thorough enough in your questioning (ie. you didn't specifically name the sex acts they'd done)?

 

I understand you are young, naive and love attention.

You are crossing huge boundaries here.

One day when you either lose the one you love because of your actions or someone does the same thing to you, you may finally understand and change.

[Bastile]

If you said to your friend "let's have sex". What do you reckon he would say?

 

Yay or nay?

 

Because most of the time, women enjoy friendships with men especially down to the special attentio they are getting due to attraction (or "gaming") on some level.

 

So, it depends on the dynamic.

 

My gut instinct has never been wrong on this. And that's why I doubt that your boyfriend's is too.

 

Could be, but I just doubt it.