BF is getting jealous of a guy friend of mine for no apparent reason

[lolablue17]

I don’t think I’m really being dishonest or lying because he hasn’t asked for more details.../

 

/... He’s (Ryan) only asked me if if we’ve ever had sex..../

 

I've talked with my friends about this many times...\ none of them consider stuff like that to be "sex" (don't think HJs, FJs and BJs would be included as "sex").... / most young people today consider it more like "foreplay".

 

Hilarious! :bunny:

[Space Ritual]

I think this might be a generational thing, because most of the older people I know would call hand/foot/oral "sex", but I've talked with my friends about this many times, both guys and girls, and virtually none of them consider stuff like that to be "sex".

 

 

Body by Rolls Royce..Brains by Mattel.

[jkeefer928]

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to say that only actual sexual intercourse is “sex”. Sex is what living organisms do to reproduce. A hj/fj/bj cannot lead to any reproduction. Also, neither is nearly as intimate as actual intercourse. To me, they seem to be how you ‘test the waters’ to see if you want to go further, or for inexperienced people they are often practice for the real thing. So I would call it more like “artificial” or “imitation or “practice” sex, but whatever you call it they do not seem to be like actual sex.

 

If you said to your friend "let's have sex". What do you reckon he would say?

 

Yay or nay?

 

He’d know I was only joking and so he would just laugh and not take me seriously at all. In fact, I know this is what he’d do because I’ve joked about us having sex many times, and that as always been his response. Not once did he mistakingly take me seriously, and that’s because he knows we are just friends and he knows that both of us want to keep it that way. In fact, even if I was ever serious about it I’m sure he still would never take me seriously, no matter how hard I tried to convince him I was really serious. We both know very well what we both expect out of our relationship.

 

Now, if he did take me seriously, that is an interesting question. He may very well act like the typical guy and say ‘why not?’ to taking on another fwb. Or perhaps he’d feel too uncomfortable doing it seeing how long we’ve been friends. I admit on that I’m not sure. But I’d never seriously ask him and he would never take me seriously.

 

Because most of the time, women enjoy friendships with men especially down to the special attentio they are getting due to attraction (or "gaming") on some level.

 

Well, isn’t that normal? I think we all like getting attention from guys whether they’re friends or not. Don’t you like it when a guy expresses interest in you? This kind of sounds like “slut shaming” to me. As if I am a “slut” or being “bad” just because I enjoy seeing a guy express interest in me while I have a bf. To me, this is totally natural and I would expect that Ryan also enjoys it when a girl expresses interest in him. I don’t mind that at all and I trust that he wouldn’t act on it.

 

Besides, Ryan is used to this as I am a lingerie model. In fact, I think he likes the fact that he is the one who has me even tho every other guy out there wants to make love to me. I think it boosts his confidence to see that he has what every other guy wants. But at any rate, I’m not going to feel guilty just because I know my friend has a physical attraction to me (which he would NEVER act on).

[basil67]

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to say that only actual sexual intercourse is “sex”. Sex is what living organisms do to reproduce. A hj/fj/bj cannot lead to any reproduction. Also, neither is nearly as intimate as actual intercourse. To me, they seem to be how you ‘test the waters’ to see if you want to go further, or for inexperienced people they are often practice for the real thing. So I would call it more like “artificial” or “imitation or “practice” sex, but whatever you call it they do not seem to be like actual sex.

 

 

 

He’d know I was only joking and so he would just laugh and not take me seriously at all. In fact, I know this is what he’d do because I’ve joked about us having sex many times, and that as always been his response. Not once did he mistakingly take me seriously, and that’s because he knows we are just friends and he knows that both of us want to keep it that way. In fact, even if I was ever serious about it I’m sure he still would never take me seriously, no matter how hard I tried to convince him I was really serious. We both know very well what we both expect out of our relationship.

 

Now, if he did take me seriously, that is an interesting question. He may very well act like the typical guy and say ‘why not?’ to taking on another fwb. Or perhaps he’d feel too uncomfortable doing it seeing how long we’ve been friends. I admit on that I’m not sure. But I’d never seriously ask him and he would never take me seriously.

 

 

 

Well, isn’t that normal? I think we all like getting attention from guys whether they’re friends or not. Don’t you like it when a guy expresses interest in you? This kind of sounds like “slut shaming” to me. As if I am a “slut” or being “bad” just because I enjoy seeing a guy express interest in me while I have a bf. To me, this is totally natural and I would expect that Ryan also enjoys it when a girl expresses interest in him. I don’t mind that at all and I trust that he wouldn’t act on it.

 

Besides, Ryan is used to this as I am a lingerie model. In fact, I think he likes the fact that he is the one who has me even tho every other guy out there wants to make love to me. I think it boosts his confidence to see that he has what every other guy wants. But at any rate, I’m not going to feel guilty just because I know my friend has a physical attraction to me (which he would NEVER act on).

 

You know President Clinton got hung out to dry for sharing your attitudes....

[Bastile]

You just look like a normal girl to me... you don't speak for me

 

I doubt that your boyfriend enjoys that you indulge in the attentions of other men (who you say are attracted to you), gaslighting him about the nature of these relationships, all the while giving him blue balls. The fact that you did some modelling before is moot.

 

You seem to have let that get to your head in a big way. Most girls with a round arse has done a bit of modelling. Get over it lol

 

Stop using it as an excuse for really poor behaviour.

[GoldenR]

JK -

 

Why did you come here? You started threads about how to handle your bf's jealousy, but you've ignored every single thing told to you, and instead you announce to everyone how you will continue to deceive and play your bf for a fool. I don't understand what it is that you're after here....

[BruceWayne21]

Why would you go to the movies with another man who isn't your boyfriend?

 

Just to be clear, correct me if I'm wrong: you went to the movies with another man you used to flirt with a lot.

 

You saw no problem with this? Okie dokie, leave your bf. You are far too emotionally immature to be in a relationship if you think the behavior I just described is okay.

 

Okay, seeing more of your posts, especially with the excuses like "he only asked if he had sex so blowing a dude is totes different" yeah, dump him. He deserves better than you.

[Poutrew]

 

Besides, Ryan is used to this as I am a lingerie model. In fact, I think he likes the fact that he is the one who has me even tho every other guy out there wants to make love to me. I think it boosts his confidence to see that he has what every other guy wants. But at any rate, I’m not going to feel guilty just because I know my friend has a physical attraction to me (which he would NEVER act on).

 

Paint a picture: A small Midwestern town on a dry dusty day. MA and Pa Kettle are in the diner eating fried eggs. Pa Kettle looks out the window and says, "Look Ma, another one of those New York Underwear models just rode into town... Better call Sheriff Taylor and Deputy Fife because all the unhitched fellas are gonna want to have sex with her.."

 

Ma Kettle says with a disgusted look on her face, " Dang those underwear models. Every New York female whose tits and arse haven't sagged yet thinks they are a underwear model... just wait until gravity hits 'em... just like the last one that blew into these parts. Thought she was too good for all the fellas, but now after birthing 5 kids, and plowing the south forty for twenty years, all she's good for is the likes of you, you busted up old man..."

 

Both Ma and Pa share a smile and a laugh as they finish up their plates...

 

 

Ms. Underwear, in my home you'd be just furniture...

[usa1ah]

Then why not ask Ryan if he considers a bj sex or not.

 

So you lied and said you never did anything sexual with Matt. I knew you could never be honest with Ryan.

 

So if a bj is not sex, would it be ok for Ryan to get one from one of his female friends tonight if he wanted to? Wiuld it be ok if he got one in front of you? How about if Ryan went down in another girl, not sex right. If the answer is no, then you lied to Ryan about having sex with Matt.

[lolablue17]

Then why not ask Ryan if he considers a bj sex or not.

 

So you lied and said you never did anything sexual with Matt. I knew you could never be honest with Ryan.

 

So if a bj is not sex, would it be ok for Ryan to get one from one of his female friends tonight if he wanted to? Wiuld it be ok if he got one in front of you? How about if Ryan went down in another girl, not sex right. If the answer is no, then you lied to Ryan about having sex with Matt.

 

Oh. come on... Do you think the hiding about the past is lying? She's lying to him at present about when she's hanging out with her friend, She doesn't let him look at her friends list. But we are a little too harsh on her. Her Bf agrees to that and put up with it. He didn't leave her (I would for much less).

 

So is't her life, her happiness, her decisions and her concequenses. I really wish her well.

[Darren Steez]

I am a lingerie model.

 

When they can't help it and jump the shark

[kgcolonel]

I know would call hand/foot/oral "sex", but I've talked with my friends about this many times, both guys and girls, and virtually none of them consider stuff like that to be "sex". You're probably an older man, so it makes sense to me that you'd consider it "sex", but honestly most young people today consider it more like "foreplay", tbh

 

You're right, I am an older man with lots of life experience. However it isn't really what I or anyone else considers sex, it's what your BF considers sex. That being said, your rationale for not telling him about the history is also telling about your true feelings on the fact. You are afraid that "it will be too much too soon", your words not mine. You are leading your BF down an alley of lies by omitting the fact that you were engaged in the past in sexual activity with your friend.

 

Let's be real and not pretend...real is for adults and pretend is a childish game.

[usa1ah]

Oh. come on... Do you think the hiding about the past is lying? She's lying to him at present about when she's hanging out with her friend, She doesn't let him look at her friends list. But we are a little too harsh on her. Her Bf agrees to that and put up with it. He didn't leave her (I would for much less).

 

So is't her life, her happiness, her decisions and her concequenses. I really wish her well.

 

She lied to him. That is the only reason he didn't break up with her. She knows this, that is why she lied.

[Cheryl.A]

I’ve been following this thread for amusement, but as a mother feel compelled to respond.

 

Obviously we are dealing with someone who is very young and inexperienced here. I know because I have a daughter around her age and she sounds just like her. Reading her posts, I even could imagine them coming from my own daughter. She’s also done some modeling, and she’s just as naïve and full of herself as the OP.

 

From reading the OP’s other posts, it’s obvious that she’s VERY inexperienced when it comes to guys and sex. In an earlier thread she even reveals her ignorance about masturbation and why people do it. And all of her posts reveal an incredible naivety and ignorance, as well as an incredible sense of entitlement and self-centeredness.

 

However, as a mother I know this is fairly typical of young women today, and I’m taken aback a bit by how harsh some people are being on her, and how one-sided. I mean, basically she is being portrayed as some kind of worthless tramp while her bf is the perfect prince charming. No, let’s look at all the FACTS here, keeping in mind the OP’s youth and inexperience:

 

1. Her bf probably snooped on her by breaking into her cell phone or fb app without her authorization.

 

2. Her relationship with her friend is a platonic one. Yes, she might flirt but she has clearly stated that nothing wayward is going on.

 

3. Her history with her friend is over 2 years old. 2 years+ is ancient history when you are young.

 

4. Her bf is continuing to press her for more info, and probably is still snooping on her, even tho she has made it clear that they are just friends.

 

5. After obvious snooping and suspicion on her bf’s part, she is reluctant to discuss intimate details. Well, this is normal, isn’t it? I can understand her position of not wanting to open up a can of worms (at least not at this particular time). I’m sure we’d all be reluctant to do so as well, although we would because we are mature adults and know better. The OP is 22.

 

6. Her bf is now trying to tell her how to dress and complaining about the clothes she wears. First sign of a control freak.

 

7. The OP is making positive efforts to alleviate her bf’s unwarranted fears and suspicions by cutting back on the time she spends with her friend, and by trying to balance out her time with both of them by inviting the other along when she already has plans with the first one. In other words, she’s trying to compromise.

 

8. Her bf is really not that serious in the first place, although, being young, she probably thinks otherwise. They’ve only been together a year, and recently the OP revealed they haven’t even had intercourse yet (not sure about now). He could easily just be another of a long line of guys she will date before settling down with the guy that’s really right for her.

 

In light of everything above, I think the OP is being judged far too harshly. I mean, sure, she’s young and naïve, and her behavior is definitely a bit shady, but her bf’s behavior seems even worse - it’s controlling, and I could even see it leading to physical abuse. I’d urge the OP to consider leaving her bf if the snooping and constant prying don’t stop, especially after she’s made efforts to balance her time with them more fairly. I mean, her behavior is far from ideal, it sets off red flags that her bf has every right to be concerned about, but to me it doesn’t ‘cross the line’. The snooping and constant prying however, imho, are behaviors that definitely cross the line as to what is acceptable in a relationship, and have the potential to escalate into something much more serious.

 

OP, I do think you should try to balance your time with your bf better, and you definitely need to consider how this all looks from your bf’s pov. But if he keeps snooping on you and constantly questioning you, even after you’ve made real efforts to gain his trust, then honestly, I’d leave him. Take it from those of us who have been in abusive relationships, this is always how it starts. It begins with constant questioning and snooping, usually followed by ‘rules’ for behavior, such as what you can wear and who you can see and when, but then it often descends into actual physical abuse.

 

Btw, OP, has Ryan ever gotten physical with you? If so, then I'd leave NOW.

 

Be wary, and good luck. And let us know how it goes…

[GoldenR]

Cheryl....

 

When you were 20, would you be OK with your bf spending more time, platonic or not, with a girl that he has a sexual history with than he spends with you?

[Cheryl.A]

Cheryl....

 

When you were 20, would you be OK with your bf spending more time, platonic or not, with a girl that he has a sexual history with than he spends with you?

 

I would be jealous, yes. But that doesn't mean I would break into his fb app and start calling him all the time, demanding to know his every move, and even telling him what he can wear.

 

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? Well, I have and they are devastating and they ALWAYS begin in the way the OP is describing. First, intensive questioning. Then, constant monitoring. Next is making demands (being controlling). And next is 'punishment' when the rules are violated. It's always like this and I honestly fear for the OP.

 

Btw, where is she? OP, I want to know if Ryan has ever gotten physical with you?

[GoldenR]

So that's a yes? You'd be jealous, but allow it?

[Poutrew]

My reply is bolded:

 

I’ve been following this thread for amusement, but as a mother feel compelled to respond.

 

Obviously we are dealing with someone who is very young and inexperienced here. I know because I have a daughter around her age and she sounds just like her. Reading her posts, I even could imagine them coming from my own daughter. She’s also done some modeling, and she’s just as naïve and full of herself as the OP.

 

From reading the OP’s other posts, it’s obvious that she’s VERY inexperienced when it comes to guys and sex. In an earlier thread she even reveals her ignorance about masturbation and why people do it. And all of her posts reveal an incredible naivety and ignorance, as well as an incredible sense of entitlement and self-centeredness.

 

However, as a mother I know this is fairly typical of young women today, and I’m taken aback a bit by how harsh some people are being on her, and how one-sided. I mean, basically she is being portrayed as some kind of worthless tramp while her bf is the perfect prince charming. No, let’s look at all the FACTS here, keeping in mind the OP’s youth and inexperience:

 

1. Her bf probably snooped on her by breaking into her cell phone or fb app without her authorization.

 

Equally likely is that Matt the source and is feeding the information to Ryan through an intermediary. But, in this case, I think Ryan is fully justified in doing whatever he can to break through the OPs wall of secrecy.

 

2. Her relationship with her friend is a platonic one. Yes, she might flirt but she has clearly stated that nothing wayward is going on.

 

Yes, totally platonic... I have platonic female friends who regularly grind on me just to see me being embarrassed when I pop a woody in front of them...especially the platonic friends that have given me oral in the past...

 

3. Her history with her friend is over 2 years old. 2 years+ is ancient history when you are young.

 

And 2 years is 14 dog years. So what?

 

4. Her bf is continuing to press her for more info, and probably is still snooping on her, even tho she has made it clear that they are just friends.

 

The BF already has all the info he needs. Rightfully he should have dumped her lingerie draped azz a long time ago. It is his immaturity that prevents him from doing this.

 

5. After obvious snooping and suspicion on her bf’s part, she is reluctant to discuss intimate details. Well, this is normal, isn’t it? I can understand her position of not wanting to open up a can of worms (at least not at this particular time). I’m sure we’d all be reluctant to do so as well, although we would because we are mature adults and know better. The OP is 22.

 

From here on out it is all going to be a increasingly complicated bunch of lies. Ryan needs to stop the insanity by dumping her.

6. Her bf is now trying to tell her how to dress and complaining about the clothes she wears. First sign of a control freak.

 

Again, he really really needs to get rid of her.

 

7. The OP is making positive efforts to alleviate her bf’s unwarranted fears and suspicions by cutting back on the time she spends with her friend, and by trying to balance out her time with both of them by inviting the other along when she already has plans with the first one. In other words, she’s trying to compromise.

 

She is spinning a thick web of deceit to make her life easier, because she is a cake eater. This isn't a good thing.

8. Her bf is really not that serious in the first place, although, being young, she probably thinks otherwise. They’ve only been together a year, and recently the OP revealed they haven’t even had intercourse yet (not sure about now). He could easily just be another of a long line of guys she will date before settling down with the guy that’s really right for her.

 

If what you said about 2 years being ancient history is right, then dating for an entire year is equivalent to being together for a lifetime... you can't have it both ways after all.

In light of everything above, I think the OP is being judged far too harshly. I mean, sure, she’s young and naïve, and her behavior is definitely a bit shady, but her bf’s behavior seems even worse - it’s controlling, and I could even see it leading to physical abuse. I’d urge the OP to consider leaving her bf if the snooping and constant prying don’t stop, especially after she’s made efforts to balance her time with them more fairly. I mean, her behavior is far from ideal, it sets off red flags that her bf has every right to be concerned about, but to me it doesn’t ‘cross the line’. The snooping and constant prying however, imho, are behaviors that definitely cross the line as to what is acceptable in a relationship, and have the potential to escalate into something much more serious.

 

OP, I do think you should try to balance your time with your bf better, and you definitely need to consider how this all looks from your bf’s pov. But if he keeps snooping on you and constantly questioning you, even after you’ve made real efforts to gain his trust, then honestly, I’d leave him. Take it from those of us who have been in abusive relationships, this is always how it starts. It begins with constant questioning and snooping, usually followed by ‘rules’ for behavior, such as what you can wear and who you can see and when, but then it often descends into actual physical abuse.

 

Btw, OP, has Ryan ever gotten physical with you? If so, then I'd leave NOW.

 

Be wary, and good luck. And let us know how it goes…

[Space Ritual]

 

In light of everything above, I think the OP is being judged far too harshly. I mean, sure, she’s young and naïve, and her behavior is definitely a bit shady, but her bf’s behavior seems even worse - it’s controlling, and I could even see it leading to physical abuse.

 

Rubbish...pure unadulterated rubbish.

 

OP has brought this all on herself BY herself. She isn't some naive tender snowflake. She knows exactly what she is doing. Her posts prove that beyond doubt. And she will continue to do so until she is paid in her own coin.

Edited September 10, 2017 by Space Ritual

[Cheryl.A]

So that's a yes? You'd be jealous, but allow it?

 

I myself would probably not allow it. But it depends on many factors - what was discussed, how much I trusted him, the nature of the other girl, etc.

 

But that is not relevant. Ryan snooped and broke into her account before he even knew much about this friend, and that may even be how he knew he existed in the first place. Then, he starts monitoring her once he knows about this friend. Remember, Ryan does not know their full history yet. And while all of us would agree that he has the right to know that, and that the sooner she tells him everything the better, the fact is all he knows at this point is they are old friends. That does not justify such a suspicious and controlling response imho, and could be a sign of worse things to come.

[Poutrew]

I myself would probably not allow it. But it depends on many factors - what was discussed, how much I trusted him, the nature of the other girl, etc.

 

But that is not relevant. Ryan snooped and broke into her account before he even knew much about this friend, and that may even be how he knew he existed in the first place. Then, he starts monitoring her once he knows about this friend. Remember, Ryan does not know their full history yet. And while all of us would agree that he has the right to know that, and that the sooner she tells him everything the better, the fact is all he knows at this point is they are old friends. That does not justify such a suspicious and controlling response imho, and could be a sign of worse things to come.

 

Well, thank you for admitting Ryan at least has a right to know the truth. At what point does his right to know supersede her right to secrecy? When the doctor tells him he has somehow contracted an incurable STD that he has to live with for the rest of his life? And will your defense of the underwear model remain steadfast after Ryan dates and passes along her STD to your own daughter? You blame the guy for what he did because of your own past. Yet you fail to go back to the causative agent of his jealousy - her shady behavior. You don't hesitate to call a spade a spade, yet you fail to mention the skunk that made the spade what he is...

[GoldenR]

 

But that is not relevant. Ryan snooped and broke into her account before he even knew much about this friend, and that may even be how he knew he existed in the first place. Then, he starts monitoring her once he knows about this friend. Remember, Ryan does not know their full history yet. And while all of us would agree that he has the right to know that, and that the sooner she tells him everything the better, the fact is all he knows at this point is they are old friends. That does not justify such a suspicious and controlling response imho, and could be a sign of worse things to come.

 

This entire paragraph is very wayward thinking.

[kgcolonel]

I myself would probably not allow it. But it depends on many factors - what was discussed, how much I trusted him, the nature of the other girl, etc.

 

But that is not relevant. Ryan snooped and broke into her account before he even knew much about this friend, and that may even be how he knew he existed in the first place. Then, he starts monitoring her once he knows about this friend. Remember, Ryan does not know their full history yet. And while all of us would agree that he has the right to know that, and that the sooner she tells him everything the better, the fact is all he knows at this point is they are old friends. That does not justify such a suspicious and controlling response imho, and could be a sign of worse things to come.

 

 

Cheryl, you DON"T know whether or not her BF snooped or if one of the members of the GF's group has been informing him of what's going on....truth is "you're a mother of a daughter in a similar situation i.e. age, attitude etc. ) You're coming across as a protective mom, not an objective individual trying to instill some morality into this young lady.....projection...you're drawing conclusions and trying to sell a bridge in AZ based on the speculation that is unfounded.....you're also demonizing the BF regarding looking for acts of violence....very telling.

[preraph]

You know President Clinton got hung out to dry for sharing your attitudes....

 

Yep. It's all sex. Intercourse is just one kind of sex.

[jkeefer928]

Btw, where is she? OP, I want to know if Ryan has ever gotten physical with you?

 

No, he's never gotten physical. He really loves me and would never hit me. I’m not afraid of that, tbh. However, he does have a really bad temper, and I do fear him breaking things. I've watched him throw things around and break things during some of his tantrums. There were also a couple of times where he punched the wall and another when he kicked the door. He had to fix the wall and buy a new door, which was pretty expensive. In fact, he just kicked in the door just the other day, when we were arguing about what I wearing when I got home from seeing Matt. So while I don’t really fear him hitting me, I do fear him damaging stuff and just going crazy in general.