Struggling to cope

[brokenhearted2day]

I have been with a girl for 8 years - the last 3 of which we were married. In the beginning, she was still talking with her baby's dad and they ended up kissing and he sent me a picture...this happened in the first month or two so we were able to move on, but there were lots of things that came out that made it hard to deal with for quite some time - I also made her tell her mom which was stupid of me and was very immature. However, we eventually moved on - then we got a daycare provider and the last day we were using her, I told her I thought she was cute - she told my then girlfriend and we had to work through that. Fast forward about 3 more years and I reconnected a bit with my high school girlfriend and started chatting again - my ex then told my fiance who I was supposed to marry in about 7 months - well, once again, we worked through it and still got married in July 2014. That was the happiest day of my life and I was so happy to call her my wife. I enjoyed our honeymoon and we bought a house shortly after, along with welcoming the third child into our life - everything was looking great. Unfortunately, life happened - I didn't like my job so we relocated to Kansas City where we didn't have any family or babysitters - in addition to this, we ended up taking in my nephew and two nieces which led us to have six kids (ages - 8, 5, 4, 4, 3, and 2) with no babysitters or support, and the three had some behavioral challenges due to lack of discipline and structure.

 

All of this caught up with us - my wife was miserable taking care of all 6 kids during the day - she had 3 bus schedules to manage, and two lunches for different schedules, and she worked part time in the night - therefore when I came home she was frequently crabby and I took it personally rather than supporting her and telling her how amazing she was doing. Eventually I was unhappy and started talking to other girls to fill the void and to be able to talk with someone who wasn't chronically stressed out - it never truly made me really happy and was more just for the sex - then I didn't tell my wife but decided to undergo STD testing - of course, through karma, I was diagnosed with Chlamydia so I had to tell her because it was the right thing to do.

 

I told her but I tried to downplay it and say it was one girl when in reality it was a total of four different girls - she went through my phone and found a bunch of stuff so I had to come clean - I just wanted to make it seem less than it was because I realized I had made the biggest mistake of my life and wanted to fix it.

 

Then for the next week or so there was no contact - then we slowly started laying in the same bed together and she let me hold her and rub her back - then she set up a dating profile and decided she needed space - She has now been talking to a guy from AZ for about 3 weeks or so and is falling head over heels for him so quickly - in fact, in about 2.5 weeks she is flying out to AZ to stay with him the 21st through the 25th while I take care of our three kids - I am letting my nieces and nephew go back with other family because I cannot handle it. I feel she is moving on so quickly but in January and February of this year we were really struggling and we discussed separating or a divorce but didn't make a decision (however I still went and cheated at this time because we were struggling so much while she remained faithful). Therefore, she says she has had about 6 months to begin processing and detaching because she knew this would happen eventually.

 

I am really struggling with this - part of me feels this is just a rebound and it won't work - the other part of me sees how happy she is and thinks she may have just gotten lucky and found someone she really likes. I want her to be happy - I really do - she is a great girl, and everyone deserves happiness. HOWEVER, I am willing to make the changes necessary and have taken actual steps to do this. I am going to a therapist to talk through my issues and work on being less selfish - I have also lined up a babysitter so we can have date nights (although she won't go on any dates with me now because she wants the guy in AZ) - I also set up detailed billing on my account so she can see what numbers I am texting every month. However, all of this seems to little to late for her. She feels it shouldn't take an STD for me to change, and 8 years was long enough - I completely get that and I wish things were different - however, I am still madly in love with her and want to make all of her dreams come true as she has put my wants/needs first for the past 8 years. I want to get her a dog, I want to get us a house, I want her to go to college, and I want her to have a craft room, and anything else she desires.

 

However, I can't change how she feels so I have to work towards acceptance - I am not there yet - so...how do I cope - How do I give her space when we still live together because of finances and the kids - she will be moving after the school year - Also, how do I handle it when she is up late at night on Skype talking to the guy in AZ?

 

I try to be a nice person because I tend to think of myself as nice overall, but also because I want her to be happy and I want to treat her good - however, there are times where I get frustrated that she is texting him a lot and then I may not say things the nicest - for instance, today I said "yep" in a not nice tone - I didn't mean to - I just saw she was texting him and then she came out of her room a minute later and said she was going to do something and I just happened to be irritated at that moment. I try to be happy for her, but I can't feel happiness 24/7 when my heart is shattered (granted it was my selfish actions that caused it).

 

Sorry for the long rambling - I just love my wife (who has filed for divorce) so much and would do anything I could to change my actions and be a better person. I am fine with a divorce though since that is what she wants - I am fine being her boyfriend or whatever - I just want to be together and hold her and love her the way a real man should. I miss her so much.

Edited September 4, 2017 by brokenhearted2day

[bummer]

I just want to be together and hold her and love her the way a real man should. I miss her so much.

 

Yeah, one of those realize what you had when it's gone kinda things, huh?

 

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds messy on both your parts. Neither of you (especially you) were fully committed if you consistently acted out for sex, etc with other women when you had SIX kids you were supposed to be helping raise and be a role model for...

 

My apologies, but a real man should know his worth and his wife's worth before 8 years go by leaving young children to cope with a broken home. Either that or err on the side of caution and do the right thing.

 

You will be strong and must be strong to effectively raise your brood. Focus on them and pour all your love and energy into their lives to fill the emptiness in your heart. When you find you are alone with her, make pleasant chat about the kids. When she's texting him, calmly remove yourself and go spend time with the kids. When you are crabby, go swing a bat or throw a ball... with your kids. Or go work out, better still, with your kids. Get the frustration out of you in a healthy manner so the tension de-escalates and you get yourself through the divorce process. Be a good dad and good luck!

[brokenhearted2day]

I'll be the first to admit I made huge mistakes - we were going through a rough patch and I chose to seek others to make me feel better because we were both overwhelmed with stress of going from 3 kids to 6 kids overnight. The 3 additions had significant behavior challenges as well, combined with no family support anywhere near us, made for a disastrous recipe.

 

I understand what a real man should have done - and I want to be a real man now. Unfortunately it is too late to be a real man for her but will continue to try and be a good person for myself and for any future partner.

 

The three kids are leaving tomorrow, leaving us with only our three kids. I will focus on them and pour my love and energy into their lives - I also have been working out - playing basketball and running but have not taken the kids because they are pretty little except my oldest who has no interest in sports. I will continue to remind myself when things get hard to focus on my kids and spend time with them when I am bothered by any of her actions. I appreciate that advice. While it is something I know, it is just a reminder of things to distract myself.

 

Any advice on coping with her Skyping him for hours every night - he lives a few states away and she is already going to see him in a few weeks despite only knowing him for such a short time period. She knows I won't let her move to AZ because I am not letting my kids live that far away.

 

Thanks again for the advice.

[bummer]

Consider trying the Separation/Divorce section. It has more action and probably better advice especially if you have divorce questions.

 

I would say try to find someone for yourself to Skype? Since it's over, try sleeping somewhere else? Go on an extended camping trip? Call your buddies? It's strange but be supportive of her finding someone else. She will hopefully repay the kindness when you need it in the future. I wish you luck!

[MikeBer]

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