[UPDATE]How do I tell my roommate, an elderly lady, she eventually needs to move out.

[Purrrfect]

Hello. I'm a divorced mom to 2 kids 12 and 9. I own a home. It's a 2 story 2000 sq ft dual master bedroom set up. I decided to rent the downstairs master out so I put an ad on Craig's list asking for female only. This woman answers the ad she was 69 and was desperate to get out of her living arrangement. I felt bad for her so I let her move in. I charge her a very reasonable $525 a month and that includes everything. So I pay about 80% of the bills.

She's very nice and my kids love her but I'm over it.

 

She was originally only going to stay a few months but here it is a year later she is still here. I like her. My kids love her. But she smokes ( although outside but she stinks of it) and she rarely leaves the house. I get no privacy at all since she only works very part time and doesn't drive at night because of her eyes. We are friends and have spent lots of nights just taking but I want my privacy back and I want my house to myself again.

 

I rarely date or have guys over because I feel she cAn hear everything. I work all day. I'm stressed out. After work I run around with kids. Some days I am gone12+ hours. She has the house all to herself all day. I never am alone here and it's starting to get to me. I've let myself go because I'm not dating much. When my kids are at their dads I would love to have a private dinner and movie night with a guy. Now I find myself just going out all the time.

 

I also want a totally smoke free house. She smokes outside but my garage smells like smoke because she smokes in her car ( which smells terrible). I have asthma and a sensitive to the smell she gets really defensive when I mention the smoke smell. Apparently if she can't smell it then there's no smell.

 

Starting in 2018 I want my house back to myself. How do I tell her and not piss her off and ruin a friendship? She has no lease here I technically only have to give her 30 days but I want to make sure she has plenty of notice. She is on a very fixed income and money is always tight. I want to give her 90 days notice so that she doesn't go crazy over Christmas and not have any money to move. I also don't want her making things awkward around here.

If she decides to make things uncomfortable for me for 3 months then the 90 day will turn into a 30 day and that will really leave her in bad shape.

I am grateful shes been wonderful to my kids but it's time for her to go. I plan on telling her around Halloween and give her until Jan 30 that way she doesn't have to move before the Holidays.

I'll be honest and admit unless she moves to CA to with her daughter she will have a hard time finding a roommate. She told me she worked but didn't tell me she only works 2 days a month. Next time I know better. Nobody that smokes or doesn't work full time outside the house will be living with me. But my intent is to get my house all done they way I want. Take care of me and get out of this rut I'm in. Any words of wisdom?

Edited September 5, 2017 by Purrrfect

[preraph]

Just go ahead and tell her to start looking for a place that you definitely want your house back by January 2018. It takes old folks longer to get things accomplished so tell her now and don't wait till the last minute.

[darkmoon]

when you tell her, just say you want some privacy, do not tell her more, keep it simple less for her to dispute

 

you could invent some tragedy that requires the flat back, as this fib will stop anger and hopefully yield pity, or cook stinky food

 

your friendship may survive, one bizarre note - where are her other friends that she just hangs with you? bit odd to get to that age but to have kept no friends

Edited September 6, 2017 by darkmoon

[Methodical]

Tell her that you are making some lifestyle changes and part of those changes will result in you needing full use of your entire home. You are letting her know now because you are implementing those changes effective January 1 and want to give her plenty of notice so that she has time to find a suitable place. Maintain your integrity, be straight-forward and don't fib.

[Ultraviolence]

I would honestly rather go with a white lie than be honest here. Say your brother/sister/friend/ex husband needs to move in downstairs for *understandable reason* and they will be moving in January.

 

I know people here will disagree with me but I just don't think "privacy" is enough to "motivate" her to get the hell out. This just seems to open the possibility for her to not take you serious enough (or beg for sympathy, etc) and then this will get into bad blood territory. It's just common sense that loved ones take priority over anyone else, so she should know the line can't be crossed here.

Edited September 6, 2017 by Ultraviolence

[Art_Critic]

Whatever you do make sure the notice is given in writing....

 

If someone who is renting from you without a lease decides to not leave; you may very well have to evict her thru the courts and that will require written notice and documentation.

 

I would tell her that you are no longer looking to rent your room and that you are giving her 90 days notice.

[SammySammy]

Tell her you prefer your privacy, but, if she stays, the rent is going up January 1st. To $1050.

 

This is also why I never rent without a lease agreement. Having a written lease makes things like this a little simpler.

[O'Malley]

I'd notify her at the end of September, that gives her plenty of time to find a new place by the start of next year. Put the notice in writing, be polite but firm, but offer to pay her her deposit early and a bonus on the day of move if she moves by (certain date). Offer to help her pack and relocate. The bonus/severance is a incentive for someone on a fixed income to move out, it may help motivate her in the search for a new apartment (suggest any senior apartments in your community) or move out by her daughter, and both of you can avoid the time and money wasting process of an eviction. Whatever you want to offer her is your decision but if it's enough to easily cover 1-2 months rent on an equivalent place that's a good start, decide beforehand what you're willing to offer and be direct. She gets the bonus check the day that she moves and turns over the keys.

 

Document the agreement, the amount and the day of the transaction in case she doesn't follow through as planned. Be polite but be prepared for worst case scenarios. If she refuses to move despite the offer of a bonus, calmly reminding her that you'll start the the eviction process and the eviction will hinder her ability to get another place sometimes helps. If she doesn't move on the day noted in your written agreement, file for eviction immediately. At the end of the day your goal is to get her to move out and offering a bonus might make the process smoother for everyone.

[SunnyWeather]

I'd notify her at the end of September, that gives her plenty of time to find a new place by the start of next year. Put the notice in writing, be polite but firm, but offer to pay her her deposit early and a bonus on the day of move if she moves by (certain date). Offer to help her pack and relocate. The bonus/severance is a incentive for someone on a fixed income to move out, it may help motivate her in the search for a new apartment (suggest any senior apartments in your community) or move out by her daughter, and both of you can avoid the time and money wasting process of an eviction. Whatever you want to offer her is your decision but if it's enough to easily cover 1-2 months rent on an equivalent place that's a good start, decide beforehand what you're willing to offer and be direct. She gets the bonus check the day that she moves and turns over the keys.

 

Document the agreement, the amount and the day of the transaction in case she doesn't follow through as planned. Be polite but be prepared for worst case scenarios. If she refuses to move despite the offer of a bonus, calmly reminding her that you'll start the the eviction process and the eviction will hinder her ability to get another place sometimes helps. If she doesn't move on the day noted in your written agreement, file for eviction immediately. At the end of the day your goal is to get her to move out and offering a bonus might make the process smoother for everyone.

 

 

This is way too much, OP is not obligated to bend over backwards such as this scenario quoted, both legally and ethically.

 

It's really quite simple. Give 60 days notice, first in person than a follow up email detailing what you verbally told her. Periodically check in to see how the search is going and offer any leads you may have, if you feel so inclined.

 

While being compassionate about her situation, it is not your job to take on her issues, and placing firm boundaries will probably expedite things better. Sure, she'll probably be upset, but she will find something else, maybe even better for her... This is your life, your space, and you've already fulfilled your initial agreement.

 

I don't know the laws in your state so you should do some research first so you implement this correctly. You really don't have to offer her a reason, but if you feel so inclined, say you need it for your own personal space again, or for your children, or for guests, whatever. She knew it was temporary, so remind her of that. You probably should also bring the kids on board with the 'reason'.

 

If it were me, I'd do this before the new year.

 

Good luck!

Edited September 6, 2017 by SunnyWeather
grammar

[O'Malley]

This is way too much, OP is not obligated to bend over backwards such as this scenario quoted, both legally and ethically.

 

The OP certainly isn't legally obligated to do this, but "cash/check for keys" is a viable option in a situation where a landlord a) has a fixed income tenant who possibly will be resistant to moving and b) strongly desires the tenant to move out ASAP, which seems to be the case here.

 

In cases with a tenant on a fixed income, especially a tenant living in one's home, it's not always so simple as offering a written notice to vacate and hoping all goes smoothly. Sometimes it's better to focus on what's best for peace of mind and offer a poorer tenant a financial incentive; it's far preferable to the legal and financial hassles of an eviction or property damage done by a vindictive tenant in the last few days.

[Purrrfect]

Thank you everyone. We were chatting tonight in the kitchen she complimented me on my haircut. She is so nice sometimes and I start to feel guilty that I am eventually going to tell her she has to move. She has 2 friends a young woman named Kelly and Kelly mom. Kelly and her mom just moved into a huge custom home nearby. I'm hoping my roomie can move in with them if needed.

 

Tonight she told me She has to have Lasik surgery and is so stressed out and she is going to have to not work in Sept and money will be tight. I still expect her to pay me for Oct rent esp since shes here at my house far more than I am. She has social security. My plan was to tell her sometime after she pays me rent in Oct that this living arrangement is no longer working for me and come the new year I need the house back to myself. I am not going into any specifics on why. I only have about $180 of a deposit from her so I was going to keep that and waive Jan rent if she is totally moved out by Jan 30 and keys returned.

 

I'm not prepared to argue with her or go into any specifics but that this arrangement no longer works for me.

The bottom line is this is my house and I should be able to live here alone with my kids if I want.

 

Its actually a miracle this arrangement has lasted as long as if had. I have 2 coworkers with kids, both single moms whos roommate arrangements have gone bad. When 2 people live together there are things that get on your nerves I'm sure I've annoyed her. I'm done with the habits of smokers and the money they spend on smokes but are broke. And the fact she is home all the time with the exception of her very part time job. She went to California last Christmas for a week. I can count on both my hands the number of days I have had the house to myself for a couple hours. Its annoying. She just home after a run to the store and my garage smells like smoke as usual.

 

My daughter absolutely loves her. She will be heartbroken but I can't explain this stuff to kids

Edited September 7, 2017 by Purrrfect

[Purrrfect]

Here it is sat 3.40 pm. She just left the house today for the first time. She will likely be back within 30 min. As for me I was out the door by 7 am with my kids and have been in and out all day. My kids are with their Dad through tomorrow. I cannot wait until I have this house to myself.

Edited September 9, 2017 by Purrrfect

[healing light]

Honestly, I would tell her now. It's going to cause you more stress, anxiety, and resentment of being in limbo until you tell her since you won't know how she'll react. Don't wait for the surgery in case it goes south or has complications that she can play your sympathies on. At least if you tell her now she'll have more time and you can release the tension or what ifs with her reaction by getting it over with.

[Purrrfect]

She was actually gone for 90 min. There really is not much tension right now I vent online. But I am a little frustrated I've allowed this to carry on for a year.

 

I can't tell her now. If she is stressed out her Dr Will not do the surgery. Her BP gets high when she walks into a DR office and he already put her on something. I'll ask her today if her surgery is still on schedule.

 

We had a nice chat last night. I'm really hoping we cn till be friends after all this. I hope she understands that nobody wants a roommate situation if they can help it. I do not want her copping an Attitude with me if she is not understanding of my plight then she will then have to move sooner which I not want to have to do. I do know I do not want her here next summer when the utility bills go up and she's home most of the day and all she does is complain her room is warm and I can't really turn the air UP That much since she is here. I'm done working my ass off all day while she's home.

 

I keep reminding myself on a quote Tony Robbins said. Something to the nature of " be stern with your decision but flexible with your approach. " this makes a lot of sense.

 

Her surgery is Thur. I just asked her. Her second one is at the end of the month. That means she won't be working at all this month. So I still think early oct works.

Edited September 10, 2017 by Purrrfect

[Soak]

Right, so when you were lonely or needed the money, it was okay to socialise with her, eg, you said you've spent many nights with her, just talking. Why didn't the smoke bother you then?

 

It sounds like you're going to ask her to leavem which all LANDLORDS have the RIGHT to do. Just make sure you're kind to her, eg, maybe give her three months notice period. She's 69, it can't be that easy for her.

[Soak]

I keep reminding myself on a quote Tony Robbins said.

 

Oh gosh, you're not a Tony Robbins zealot are you?

 

Your post reminds me of why i work hard, so that nobody can ever kick me out in my old age.

 

The only way you're going to be able to 'remain friends' with her is if you're kind about her circumstances, whilst you carry out your decision, which you have already made.

 

I wonder if you'll get bored and lonely again in 2018, and then 'decide' you want a new housemate? Just saying..

[Purrrfect]

I’m not a TR zealot actually I heard that quote on the radios

 

I will not be getting a roommate again unless I run into a financial diasaster. I’ve paid off my car, credit card and furniture balance. No more debt and I will budget and pay stuff ahead.

 

Trust me had I known she was a heavy smoker and worked 2 days a month I would not have let her move in. I have ZERO privacy. This woman is in my house 22 hours a day. She pays below market rent. Even if she paid more I have to have some privacy. It’s not worth it to me to never gave this house to myself ever. Do you know what that’s like? She also smells like an ashtray. Smokers should not be answering roommate ads of non smokers. She approached me in a desperate situation and I felt bad for her. At this point I’m willing to risk the friendship I cannot continue to live like this. Never alone in my own home.

 

 

 

 

Oh gosh, you're not a Tony Robbins zealot are you?

 

Your post reminds me of why i work hard, so that nobody can ever kick me out in my old age.

 

The only way you're going to be able to 'remain friends' with her is if you're kind about her circumstances, whilst you carry out your decision, which you have already made.

 

I wonder if you'll get bored and lonely again in 2018, and then 'decide' you want a new housemate? Just saying..

[Purrrfect]

Of course I like her but she’s in my house 22-23 hours per day. It’s weird dating and having anyone over whe she’s home all the time. I pay 80% of the bills. She’s home and gets the house to herself all day. I never get the same courtesy. I should have asked her exactly how much she works. This is why nobody wants to rent a room to a retiree, disabled or someone who’s home 24/7. Giving her 3.5 months notice is my goal and very reasonable I think. Could you live with someone you were not related too or married too and they were home 22/7? I don’t think anyone would. Trust me had I known how much she smiles and how little she works I would have told her no.

 

 

Right, so when you were lonely or needed the money, it was okay to socialise with her, eg, you said you've spent many nights with her, just talking. Why didn't the smoke bother you then?

 

It sounds like you're going to ask her to leavem which all LANDLORDS have the RIGHT to do. Just make sure you're kind to her, eg, maybe give her three months notice period. She's 69, it can't be that easy for her.

[Popsicle]

I'm a single mom who works who has a roommate renting from me. It has worked out great but I was very picky about who I let rent my room, since I didn't need a renter in the first place. Still, I'm not sure how long I will continue to do this.

 

As a side note, one thing that I have picked up along the way is to only rent to working professionals and to state explicitly that there is no smoking, no drug use, and no over-night guests.

Edited September 20, 2017 by Popsicle

[knabe]

OP, this woman is not your mother or a relative. She is someone who is paying you rent, and it has already gone on longer than you intended. All this guilt-mongering is silly. You are not her Social Services representative.

 

Just make it simple. You will need the full use of your house by x date. You have enjoyed getting to know her. You wish her good luck. This idea that you are dumping her into life cruelly is just stupid.

[CC12]

You don't have to justify to anyone why you don't want another adult living with your family anymore.

 

Giving her 3.5 months notice is my goal and very reasonable I think.

 

It is very reasonable. But for some reason, a lot of tenants feel like they can stop paying rent when they're given notice to move out. So be prepared for the possibility that she won't pay for her last couple of months after you give her notice. What will you do then? Will you begin eviction proceedings? Do you know how to do that?

 

Have you figured out what wording you'll need to use when you give her the initial (written!) notice to move out?

 

My advice is to plan for every possible scenario so you won't be surprised or caught off guard by anything. I believe that my state's Apartment Association provides wording for documents and contracts, if you're a member and pay dues. I have no idea how much it might cost, but it may be worth it to you. You should probably look into it, or other low cost legal resources. This is a pretty common situation since it happens all the time, so it shouldn't be too hard to get some basic legal help on this. Don't just rely on googling things and taking the advice from random people online, including me.

[Purrrfect]

If she doesn’t pay she will get a 30 day notice. I will make it clear to her she cannot stay here for free while I work my ass off. I find it unlikely she will do this. She has health issues that will flare up with stress. If by some chance she tries to pull this I have a couple things I will do that will likely make her leave

Sooner. One is I will turn off her internet. I’m hoping to bE civil and not go that route. She has her second surgery tomorrow. I’m aiming to tell her next week.

 

You don't have to justify to anyone why you don't want another adult living with your family anymore.

 

 

 

It is very reasonable. But for some reason, a lot of tenants feel like they can stop paying rent when they're given notice to move out. So be prepared for the possibility that she won't pay for her last couple of months after you give her notice. What will you do then? Will you begin eviction proceedings? Do you know how to do that?

 

Have you figured out what wording you'll need to use when you give her the initial (written!) notice to move out?

 

My advice is to plan for every possible scenario so you won't be surprised or caught off guard by anything. I believe that my state's Apartment Association provides wording for documents and contracts, if you're a member and pay dues. I have no idea how much it might cost, but it may be worth it to you. You should probably look into it, or other low cost legal resources. This is a pretty common situation since it happens all the time, so it shouldn't be too hard to get some basic legal help on this. Don't just rely on googling things and taking the advice from random people online, including me.

[Art_Critic]

If she doesn’t pay she will get a 30 day notice.

 

This is where you need to make sure you know your tenant law of the state you are in.

 

In my state if they don't want to go you can't throw them out, you have to legally evict them and in my state if they know how to file the appeals and their rights they can stay for more than 6 months without ever paying anything.

 

Most people however would just go when given 30 day notice but if she hasn't any place to go and knows her rights and tenant law you are screwed.

[MsJayne]

Just the fact that you're a non-smoker and she's a smoker is enough reason. It stinks and they just can't smell it, and when they imply that you're some sort of nit-picker because you object to the smell of a dirty ashtray wafting around you it can really rub you up the wrong way. Walk into your garage and you get hit with that smell, in your own home. It's disrespectful, even if unintentional, and you must be repressing a fair bit of anger, so it's no wonder you're stressed.........she may be a nice little old lady but she's taking advantage of your kindness.

[JuneL]

OP: You should take this as a lesson learned the hard way. I personally would never mix business with friends. You can of course be on friendly terms with your tenant, or become friends. But you pretty much took it upon yourself to help her with her living situation from the beginning. Also, why a mother of two small kids would allow a smoker to move into her house is beyond me.