He Chose Me...What's happened?

[mander02]

I met my MM 8 months ago. We originally were not looking for anything serious. I had been divorced for a year and he was going on 6 months...or so I thought. He didn't tell me he was still married and living with his wife until the truth came out through a friend of a friend (we were 4 months into the relationship at this point). I learned pretty quickly that life is not black and white. Emotions are not black and white. Needless to say, he decided he wanted to see where this went between us and filed for divorce immediately. Due to financial & the wife's health reason, they still live together. He has 2 older teenage boys who didn't handle the news very well. So he & I have still been "secretly" seeing each other. His parents/brothers know about me, but that's it. I don't get to see him very often, only once every 2 weeks or so between his work schedule, mine and his trying to repair some damage with his kids. But we talk, all day, every day. Normally on the phone with each other about 2 hours a day. He's been open with the whole divorce process, showing me the papers, the emails between his lawyer and her lawyer, etc. About 3 weeks ago, something changed. He got really quiet. Then on my birthday, I straight up asked him what the hell was going on (hadn't seen him in more than 2 weeks at this point). He just apologized and said he had a lot going on. Which when he has said this in the past, it means the soon to be ex-wife has started some drama. I texted him 3 days later, he said "I will talk. Promise."

 

Fast forward 2 weeks and I talked to him on Friday 9/1. He asked me if I was ok - which of course, I wasn't. He said that he's not either. All he would say is that something has happened, he is not ready to talk about it. He said its too upsetting to talk about and he just can't handle that stress/anger right now. He said obviously the divorce is not going to be over any time soon and that things can't continue the way they have been. I have never heard him this upset. I asked him what he wanted from me, to wait or move on? He said he just needs me to be happy and that's a decision I have to make for myself. He can't tell me to move on but he knows it's not fair to ask me to wait, but he needs time to deal with everything.

 

I know it's not much time but it's been 4 days since I've talked to him. The longest we've gone without speaking/texting. I feel like I've lost my best friend. What's a healthy amount of time to give him? I truly love this man and believe he is worth the fight.

 

I'm sorry, I know this is a long message. There's so much more to the story but that's as brief as I can make it right now.

[Lobouspo]

Until he shows concrete actions that he "chose you", he hasn't chosen you. Sounds like a messy situation. He's basically left you hanging. From chatting 2 hours a day, he can't even give you an idea what's going on. This is the problem with extramarital affairs. Nothing is ever transparent. Not with you, not with his kids and not with the BS. If the emotional sacrifice and stress you are enduring in this milieu is not worth it, end the relationship and go NC. You only see this guy once every two weeks. No way you are even scratching the surface with the amount of drama and baggage he brings to the table. Something else to keep in mind with this whole situation

[wmacbride]

Stop trying to make this okay by saying" it's not black and white".

 

It is very black and white.

 

this is a man who met a woman, loved her enough to marry her, have kids with her, build a life with her.

 

Then when she gets sick and finances are tough, he "accidentally" meets another woman, lies to her ( even if just by omission) and woudl have been happy to keep right on doing so if you hadn't found out.

 

That makes this guy a heel, and your willingness to see his world in shades of grey is what got you into this mess.

 

I'm not going to run him down, as what's the point? you know who he i and what he's willing to do, and you still keep inviting him into your life.

 

You are worth far more than this. This guy lied to you about being married, and all the grey thinking won't change that. When you look at how he's treated his wife, you will be the next one in line for that, and you are okay with that? Sure, not all cheaters go on to cheat in subsequent relationships, but those who don't recognize they have an issue and either put in a lot of work on themselves or get counseling to help then understand why they cheated so they will make better choices in the future. Has he done any of this?

 

If you still feel bad for him and are still willing to excuse his behavior, think of this. This was a man who says he loves you, yet he is willing to drag you into all this mess. You don't treat someone you love that way.

[wmacbride]

Until he shows concrete actions that he "chose you", he hasn't chosen you. Sounds like a messy situation. He's basically left you hanging. From chatting 2 hours a day, he can't even give you an idea what's going on. This is the problem with extramarital affairs. Nothing is ever transparent. Not with you, not with his kids and not with the BS. If the emotional sacrifice and stress you are enduring in this milieu is not worth it, end the relationship and go NC. You only see this guy once every two weeks. No way you are even scratching the surface with the amount of drama and baggage he brings to the table. Something else to keep in mind with this whole situation

 

OP,

It sounds like you really do love this guy, and I am sorry that he is putting you through this.

 

That's the thing. He is looking for the nebulous concept of "happiness" ( whatever that means to him) and he is asking you, his wife and children to pay the price for that.

 

That, right there, tells you a lot about him and his character. Not only did he lie to you and give you the impression he's single, he's continuing to hurt you.

 

That just isn't right, but I'm just a stranger on the internet, so what do I know. you are the one living you life. what do YOU think about all of this?

[somanymistakes]

Maybe I'm cynical here but I'm a little suspicious of him filing for divorce 'immediately' - only after you found out he was married. He could have done that before, if it was what he wanted. Why did he (supposedly) file then? I'm guessing it was because you were angry with him and threatening to leave over his lies, so he quickly pulled out an attempt to salvage the situation: "I'll leave her for you!"

 

But it's all still quiet and they're still living together, and there are kids involve who aren't happy about the situation.

 

He acted out of panic to avoid losing you. So what happens if his wife turns up the pressure on him, threatens that he'll lose the kids and never see them again? What might he do in a panic then?

 

He's not even telling you what's going on. Not really a model of open and trusting relationships.

[Southern Sun]

If his parents and brothers know about you, does his wife also know?

 

What about his sons?

 

I would be very curious what happened that made him go quiet.

 

Has it been a contentious divorce process? Is she very angry?

 

Could something have come out in the process that he doesn't want you to know about?

 

Or if his wife or sons did not know about you, did they discover it?

 

Has he had other affairs?

 

Perhaps the reality of his choice suddenly hit him?

 

He said "something happened" and for some reason he is keeping it from you. Not a good sign in my book.

[wmacbride]

Maybe I'm cynical here but I'm a little suspicious of him filing for divorce 'immediately' - only after you found out he was married. He could have done that before, if it was what he wanted. Why did he (supposedly) file then? I'm guessing it was because you were angry with him and threatening to leave over his lies, so he quickly pulled out an attempt to salvage the situation: "I'll leave her for you!"

 

But it's all still quiet and they're still living together, and there are kids involve who aren't happy about the situation.

 

He acted out of panic to avoid losing you. So what happens if his wife turns up the pressure on him, threatens that he'll lose the kids and never see them again? What might he do in a panic then?

 

He's not even telling you what's going on. Not really a model of open and trusting relationships.

 

 

Exactly.

He would have been hunky dory keeping you towing the line and thinking he was single...but he got caught.

 

So as it stands now, he's putting his sick wife and kids through all this crap, not to mention you, and for what?

 

My guess is that he might have been a bit bored in his marriage, or maybe felt put upon because his wife is ill. Nothing major, just typical stuff.

 

Then he meets you, and you, being a decent sort and with a friendly nature and personality, kind heart and good listening ear, gave him the attention and interest he felt he wasn't getting at home.

 

He knows it's wrong, his conscience pricks him and doesn't match up with the image he has of himself. Not to worry, the mind can play some pretty neat tricks to get around that.

 

Suddenly his wife , in his mind, became a terrible person who has always treated him badly, therefore, he shouldn't feel bad about cheating...in fact, he should feel entitled to do it. After all, the poor baby has to put up with all of this...

 

It's called rewriting history, and is common in infidelity. He's also predicating his morality on the behavior of others That, right there, tells you a lot about him.

 

Now, he's got to face what he's done. He's in panic mode, and you are being given a sneak peek at how much he values the others in his life.

 

Please, even though it's incredibly painful, walk away.

 

Give him space, not for you but for him. He needs to sort through all of this, and you are not his therapist. Give him time to get his crap together, When he's done ( if ever) and you still want to be with him, you can.

[whichwayisup]

Sadly, he didn't choose you. If he did, those D papers would be signed and he wouldn't be living with his wife anymore. He is stringing you along.

 

End it and walk away. This man isn't done with his wife and you already know his children are upset so chances of him walking away from his family life to be with you is really low.

 

If he ever divorces, he can find you and take you out on a proper date, get to know you outside of the realm of the affair. And you won't be hidden nor a secret.

[stillafool]

I agree with the others he has not chosen you but has chose his wife. It really doesn't matter if she is sick and finances are bad. If he is going to hurt her with divorce why prolong the process. Besides he is going to have to pay her anyway but he has you to help him with that if you two really want to be together. He sounds like every other MM who promises to divorce and then an emergency, sick wife, angry kid, money, and the dog runs away from home so now they have to postpone the process. If he had any intention of being with you he would not tell you to go be happy because he would be too afraid to lose you. Your story is so similar to all the OW around here and if you read up you will see I'm right.

[Loveandlosthim]

There's a lot going on that you are unaware of in his relationship. He lied to you from the beginning unfortunately so it makes his words suspect. He is still there with her so he isn't choosing you yet. Be careful and pay attention to his words and actions.

 

I am going through a similar situation with the love of my life. He and his ex already filed for divorce with it being final coming up in Nov before we started seeing each other but his ex found out and confronted him and his 13 yr old daughter overheard and is completely upset with him for cheating before the divorce is final. He and I have split and I sent him some final words in a text wishing him well before going NC. He hated the hurt it caused but his daughter needs him more as she has serious emotional and mental issues before this situation happened. He and I both said we might find our way back to each other after a time but I'm not sure. He said not to wait on him and if I find someone that makes me feel like he did then I won't wait.

[Loveandlosthim]

There's a lot going on that you are unaware of in his relationship. He lied to you from the beginning unfortunately so it makes his words suspect. He is still there with her so he isn't choosing you yet. Be careful and pay attention to his words and actions. It seems to me that he is trying to prepare you for the hurt coming when he stays with his family and you are left alone. As bad as it hurts maybe moving on alone is the best thing for you.

 

I am going through a similar situation with the love of my life. He and his ex already filed for divorce with it being final coming up in Nov before we started seeing each other but his ex found out and confronted him and his 13 yr old daughter overheard and is completely upset with him for cheating before the divorce is final. He and I have split and I sent him some final words in a text wishing him well before going NC. He hated the hurt it caused but his daughter needs him more as she has serious emotional and mental issues before this situation happened. He and I both said we might find our way back to each other after a time but I'm not sure. He said not to wait on him and if I find someone that makes me feel like he did then I won't wait.

[bathtub-row]

He lied to you from the very beginning. You should've ended it with him right then and there. Just about everyone in an affair feels like they're involved with their best friend but you're fighting an institution that is much, much stronger than that. I know it feels like you'd be ripping your heart out but the best thing you can do is to walk away from this. I personally would never trust someone who lied to me from the beginning. I don't care what his reasons were. That's a huge red flag.

[anika99]

First of all this man not only deceived his wife he tricked you into a relationship. That says a lot about what kind of person he is. A person who puts his own feelings ahead of the people he claims to care about. A decent man would have never lied to you about his marital status.

 

I suspect he was still very much infatuated with you when you discovered that he was married. He wasn't done using you to stroke his ego and make him feel good so he had to do something to keep you involved. Drawing up papers for a divorce and chatting with a lawyer is pretty easy and it doesn't in any way mean that a divorce is going to happen. Do you know the divorce laws where he lives? Where I live a couple can't be divorced until they have been physically seperated for at least a year?

 

What do you mean when you say his parents and siblings know about you? Have you met them and spoken with them? If so did they understand the context of your relationship? Some families actually are okay with their family members being liars and cheaters so it's possible that he learned this kind of selfish deceitful behaviour from his own upbringing.

 

You are right that emotions are not black and white in that emotions often lack logic and reasons. That's why it's better to base decisions on facts, which are black and white, rather than illogical and sometimes self destructive emotions.

 

The facts are that this guy lies and cheats, that he tricked you into getting emotionally involved. That he is still married and that he is still living with his wife and kids. That you are still the OW and your relationship is still a big secret. That he is gettin more distant to you, not getting closer to you. That he has told you that you are free to move on. That while he might be worth the fight to you but you are not worth the fight to him. That healthy relationships don't usually have to start with a fight anyways and you should not have to wrest him away from his wife and children in order to be with him. And the most important fact is that he has not chosen you.

 

Take your messy non black and white emotions out of the equation and look at this situation for what it really is.

[What_Did_I_Do]

What Anika said.

 

My xmm sold me the same story. Told me he had the separation/this marriage isn't working conversation with his W, but guess where he is.

 

In many of our heated discussions on this (because he had me spinning in so many directions), one of his latest excuses was he was terrified his W would sell their house after he left and she, along with his adult children, would be homeless. C'mon.

 

Your MM probably did get swept up in it, as did my xmm, but when it comes down to leaving, most don't. He is letting you down gently OP.

[somanymistakes]

And really, when they say not to wait for them, what else is there that you need to know? That's, like, a gentle way of saying that they don't really want to be in a relationship anymore, or at least that they're not willing to fight for it.

[ladydesigner]

I'm sorry this happened as well OP. Please listen to others here. Until he is moved out on his own with divorce papers signed I would keep clear from him.