Issues with fiance

[cocoa342]

Hi everyone,

 

I am new here. I desperately need some help in my situation.

 

I have been with my fiance for almost 5 years.

We are from different countries and I packed up my life, my work, my home, my family and friends to move across the world to be with him.

 

He has always been the jealous type and I was totally ok with this. He didn't want me to maintain friendships with men, so I pushed away all male friendships. He had an issue with me working in a male dominated job with mostly male customers - so I quit my job.

 

He had an agreement that he didn't need female friends and therefore I didn't male friends (all good with me).

 

In May this year he got transferred for work for 6 months to another country. I am staying in his home country whilst he is away for work as I am studying here and couldn't go with him.

 

As part of the course I am studying we were offered an online support group via facebook. I've never used social media or had any accounts so i opened a facebook account for the purpose of joining this online support group for my studies.

 

In my list of people i might know came my fiance. I went to add him to my friends list and almost died of shock with what i saw. He has about 200 friends and 90 of them women - with approximately 50 of them from the new country he is living in for work. Mainly young women (minimum 15 years younger than him) we are both mid 30's and these girls are in their late teens to early 20's.

 

One girl i saw had commented on his photo that it was nice and he was replying to her saying he is new in town and looking to meet new people and would like to catch up some time.

 

I was shocked. I didn't know what to think. I don't know if he is cheating but i felt betrayed as he doesn't like me to have male friends at all. So i decided to question him....i called him up and asked if he had any female friends, he said no. Then i pulled him up about facebook and he was in denial so i screen shot everything and sent it to him. Then he went mad at me and said i am a trouble maker. And the girls on his profile are from work and only friends and he only ever hangs out with them in groups and never alone.

 

He also confessed, he is sharing a place with 2 other women!

I am gutted - he might not be cheating but i feel betrayed.

I told him i can't believe he told me to get rid of all my male friends and yet he has all these other women as friends. I told him i was going to get my friendship back with my male friends and he said that was unacceptable and he is not ok with that.

 

Then he told me I am disrespecting him. So I kept pushing at it that I am going to get my male friends back. Then he said he would block and delete the girls he has as friends. Then he went on to mention he doesn't know how he is going to do it as they all hang out together and then he admitted that they all message each other on other apps and messenger as well but it's all platonic. I said to him "go ahead and block them then" and then he told me I am asking for the impossible.

 

I don't know what to think.

Am i over the top?

Am i disrespectful as he said?

I am so sad and feel like a fool.

 

We are due to marry in February next year :-(

Just a bit of background history: before we met and before our relationship started he has had a lot of relationships with women and has seen a lot of prostitutes and had risky sex.

Edited September 5, 2017 by cocoa342

[d0nnivain]

Your guy is a chauvinist. He thinks because he's the guy he can do whatever. He wanted you to stay away from men because he knows what a cad he is & thinks all other men are like him.

 

 

You are not being disrespectful to him but he is certainly being disrespectful to you. I doubt things will change; he's not the kind of guy you can trust. He's manipulative & deceitful. If you chose to stay with him, you are in for a lot of heartbreak.

[cocoa342]

Your guy is a chauvinist. He thinks because he's the guy he can do whatever. He wanted you to stay away from men because he knows what a cad he is & thinks all other men are like him.

 

 

You are not being disrespectful to him but he is certainly being disrespectful to you. I doubt things will change; he's not the kind of guy you can trust. He's manipulative & deceitful. If you chose to stay with him, you are in for a lot of heartbreak.

 

Thank you for your helpful reply. Means a lot to be able to get a perspective from someone outside the situation.

I guess he thinks I am being disrespectful as i questioned these women on his facebook.

[d0nnivain]

I guess he thinks I am being disrespectful as i questioned these women on his facebook.

 

He's trying to turn this back on you. It's called gaslighting. Learn more about it.

[cocoa342]

He's trying to turn this back on you. It's called gaslighting. Learn more about it.

 

I have heard of it but i am unsure of what it is. I am going to google it. Thank you for bringing it up.

[cocoa342]

I also forgot to add that he said if he was any other guy he would leave with how I am behaving (questioning the female friends and wanting to know why it's ok for him to have female friends and me not to have male friends) but because he loves me he is staying and doing what it takes to make this relationship work. So somehow I am meant to feel lucky?

[d0nnivain]

More gaslighting.

 

 

Since he's threatening you with breaking up (to keep you in line) take him up on it & dump his sorry butt before you find out he slept with these friends. If you don't break up with him at least make him wear a condom when he comes home until you get the results of the 2nd STD test -- you do one now & one six months later just to be sure. I can only imagine how nuts he's going to go when you suggest this.

[cocoa342]

I did ask him had he slept with anyone there and he said he hasn't but i am not sure i believe him.

[reboot]

It would be silly to believe him.

[NexttP]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP =(

 

But this is a huge hit on trust and commitment. In reality he's probably not all that jealous, he just doesn't trust you with other men. And saying that he'd also say no to women (as you say no to men), he didn't follow through with that commitment. Wonder what other commitments *cough* marriage *cough* he would break.

 

/hugs

 

5 years gone, but much better equipped for future. He didn't have to add those female coworkers on facebook, just lie and say he didn't have one. chatting apps? lie that he doesn't use those. He can't dig himself out of this one anymore.

[anika99]

This is bad and it's only going to get worse. I once had a boyfriend like him. Controlling and jealous with double standards. Wanted to control my every move, insisted I have no male friends, not even as friendly acquaintances. Would have a melt down if I was 5 minutes late or if he saw me even speaking with a male coworker. Little did I know that he had a virtual harem of women friends and he spent his time lapping up all of the female attention he could get.

 

I had moved in with him before I knew and when I discovered it he had a litany of ridiculous reasons why it was okay for him to not only have female friends but to also flirt and act interested in other women while I was supposed to live like some sort of nun. Just go to work, come straight home and don't even look in the general direction of where a man might be. It was absurd and the best thing I ever did was leave.

 

Your fiancé has double standards and he's a hypocrite. It won't get better, only worse. I suggest you dump him.

[S2B]

You've handed him way too much of YOUR power!

 

Take your power back and get rid of him! He's sneaky and has lied to you!

 

There's no way to trust him and he doesn't respect you - so there really is t any way to have a healthy relationship.

 

Hurry, you need to help YOURSELF now.

 

The way he's been able to treat you is totally u acceptable.

 

Get professional help or you're likely to choose the same type of abusive man again.

 

Move far away from him! Do that now!

[sandylee1]

Don't marry him. He's thinking men can do what they like. I would get back in touch with all your male friends and end the engagement, as this will be a big problem in your marriage.

 

Take this as a warning. He doesn't respect you as a woman.

[adna89]

Based on all this i am 90% he is sleeping with other women there.He is answering he would like to catch up with the girl? come on,do not be naive!

 

do not let him get away with this

[Poutrew]

Well, look on the bright side. He has no reason to be critical of your facebook friends. What's good for the goose is also good for the gander. If he has a problem with that, tell him to blow off and dump his sorry azz!

[Bufo]

I'm. It often this blunt, but......

 

Marry him and you will make one or two people you dont even know yet very happy. Your therapist and your divorce lawyer

 

And my concern goes beyond his "me Tarzan, you Jane" way of treating you now

He isn't happy with anything unless it's his way. And if he's not happy with anything he doesn't hold it back. He lets it fly directly at you. I suspect you to be a Brit using the word whilst. I think slavery has been illegal in the entire Empire since the 1830's. Do you wish to undue nearly 2 centuries of that rule and become a slave to his every dictate?

 

Do you have any support you can turn to? You need an up front and personal consultation with a trusted friend or relative who can objectively tell you far better than my meager attempt as to why any continued relationship with this Neanderthal is both futile and damaging.

 

One last point. Those 5 years are gone. Spent. Vanished. Gone with the wind. Those years are not an investment. Look up "spent costs fallacy" which applies in many areas of life. But here it's about staying because you spent so much time and energy already. A bad way to think.

 

One last point #2. If you think breaking up is too hard now, just wait until marriage, kids and a mortgage. I think you understand my first line here.

[cocoa342]

Thank you everyone for your helpful replies. After lots of going back and fourth with him and him ignoring me and saying he can't deal with me. We have decided to break up. I am on day 3 of no contact.

[Ahurtgirl]

Get out of the relationship now. This guy has major red flags going on. He wants you to be completely dedicated to him while he is playing the field. The only reason he wanted you to remove all the guys from your life is because he knew that he had side relationships and since he can't trust himself, he would never be able to trust you.

[elaine567]

Thank you everyone for your helpful replies. After lots of going back and fourth with him and him ignoring me and saying he can't deal with me. We have decided to break up. I am on day 3 of no contact.

You did the right thing.

[cocoa342]

Get out of the relationship now. This guy has major red flags going on. He wants you to be completely dedicated to him while he is playing the field. The only reason he wanted you to remove all the guys from your life is because he knew that he had side relationships and since he can't trust himself, he would never be able to trust you.

 

Thank you, you make a very valid point and we are now over.

[cocoa342]

I am on day 6 of no contact - when does this get easier?

The urge to contact is so strong it's driving me in sane!