Newbie here

[wolfsuit]

Hi, I am completely new to actually posting anything to a forum like this. Lately I've been reading a lot of them, and it bums me out to see that it's almost all split 50/50, with half of people saying just give her space and it will work out, and people saying "space" means it's over, no chance at fixing this. I am hoping to post my situation and hope to see if I gain further clarity from you fine people. I'll try to keep it brief and see if anyone wants me to dive deeper into details. Thank you for reading.

 

My girlfriend and I have been together a little over 2 1/2 years. I'm 34, and she is 41. She is a widower with two kids, whom I've grown close to. She currently lives with overbearing parents (moved back in after her husband died a few years back). Through our time together we have each grown quite a bit and she's had a huge career change. We started off almost as a sexual fling, a way for her to escape her kids and we had intense sexual chemistry. Within the first year we realized that we cared much deeper than just physically for each other. I was in a different place than her, younger, always had lived alone and had a "bachelor" pad by the beach. She was an hour inland in the suburbs with her parents and kids. She would escape them and come see me to get away.

 

About a year ago, last summer, she almost left me and needed space because she didn't want to keep doing the same dance and never thought I'd be ready to move in with her and take on her kids, or that it would take me 5 years to do so, and she didn't have the patience. It tore me up badly but I waited and she came back to me after about a month.

 

This past year since that space we had last summer, I started slowly taking things much more seriously, and realizing that I do want to move in with her and her kids and be a family. During the past 9 months, she moved to a different house with her parents and has been spending much more time staying at home with the kids our of guilt of leaving them, rather than coming across town to stay the night like we did when we started dating. I have been going there every weekend and staying over and spending time with her and the kids. Over the past few months we started developing plans for us to move into a place together on her side of town (which was a huge step for me). I have felt her losing attraction and affection for me in small ways (not texting or calling as much, not touching me as much, sex happening way less, I only see her when I make the drive to her house, etc). I believe I reacted the wrong way to these things happening and ended up ignoring them altogether and then nagging about them and smothering her with telling her how much I love her constantly, apologizing for things, bending over backward for her, and stating that I want to move in and get married and be a family. I know this lost attraction to me in her eyes.

 

Currently, she is now in a place where she has an incredible amount of work on her plate (more than she ever has, and it requires bouts of travel), she still lives with her parents which she hates and desperately wants to escape, and has the two kids to deal with. Last week when I sent a late night email to her where I essentially vomited my emotions and annoyances out, she replied that she understands that she has not been doing enough for me lately, and she feels that she can't do more right now due to the work she has on her plate and how important it is that this job goes through so she can escape her parents house with her kids. She mentioned that even though last year she was pressuring me for marriage, that it's the last thing on her mind right now. She stated that she feels overwhelmed and smothered by all of her obligations and guilty that she always feels like she lets me down. She also said that she loves me very much but needs space and time right now. She asked me to stop stressing her and myself out and to give her room to breathe and some space.

 

I have not contacted her since she asked for the space. She did text me the next night and said "I'm so sorry, I don't know why I said those things in the email", and I replied, "It's fine, It all needed to be said". Her sons 10th b-day was the next day so I went because she asked me to, and had a great time there. She asked if I was staying the night and I declined and when I left I gave her a brief hug and did not try to kiss her. Since then, the only contact we've had was her texting me thanking me for coming to the party and for taking photos of the day, and she also randomly texted me a funny photo of a cat she saw online. It's been a few days of no contact since then. I will not be reaching out to her at all, unless she does first.

 

I'm sorry that my basic wrap-up has turned into such a long post, but I'm honestly just hoping to get some insight into my unique situation. I'm hoping that my knowledge of how I messed up by smothering and giving her all of the power, will allow me to start acting the proper way, and by giving her the space that she needs, that I can have a chance at not only getting her back but moving forward stronger if she gives me another chance.

 

Thanks so much for your time and help.

Edited September 5, 2017 by wolfsuit

[guy45]

So basically she's saying she's been busy lately right? That's never really a good sign. I'm not sure why she's losing attraction for you, has your physical appearance changed perhaps? Also things won't always be in the honey moon stage, it's inevitable that people do get bored of each other to some degree.

[Been]

What is this BS about "stress"? She is in her forties and by now she should be able to handle stressful situations better.

I think she is stringing you along. You've become a doormat in essense because now your so worried about causing her stress your walking on egg shells.

One minute she wants or talks about marriage and then she doesn't - let me ask you this question: wouldn't it be easier for her to have you help her in present situation? I mean she doesn't want to be with you right now but wants you to attend her sons birthday? Kinda like she picks what she wants from you and comply because yo don't want to rock the boat and the moment she thinks your getting to attached she can jump back and say she needs space.

If it were me next time she contacts you I would tell her you completely understand she needs space and then tell her to stop contacting you until she makes up her mind on what she wants.

Because I gotta be honest she is basically controlling everything right now and I don't think its fair to you.

[guy45]

Been is right. I don't see how you could possibly be happy being with a person like this.

[wolfsuit]

Thanks for the input guys. A few items I feel like I left out. I know she is in her 40's and doesn't handle stress well even thought she should by now. She does have a lifelong history of getting overwhelmed and flighty when she does. Up until last year she was actually a fine artist/painter so never had to deal with a high stress job like she has now (multimillion commercial real estate jobs, which are piling up on each other now). I know she feels that she has to make this job work or she can't support her two kids as a single mother since her husband died years back and she wants to finally get out from under her parents wing. Another thing that put a ding in our relationship is when she moved into a new place with her parents 9 months ago, she ended up moving into a bedroom to share with her 5 and 9 year old boys (separate beds). However, since I live so far away and I'm mostly over at her place to spend time, I sleep in this room, so obviously it took a toll on our love life.

 

She also told me a few times the past couple months that she feels very depressed lately. Not about me, but about her life and job and kids, etc. She has mentioned a few times that I am her rock when she feels all of these ups and downs and that I help balance her.

 

I do think I've been walking on eggshells and then freaking out each time she takes a step back, which meant I gave up power and most likely caused her to lose attraction when I push like that. I'm actually in pretty good shape. Aside from the bday party, I haven't contacted her at all this week. We typically see each other every Saturday when I go to her house, so I will see if she even asks about that for this weekend. Just trying to take it one day at a time. Thanks guys.

[SpecialJ]

I don't think you've caused her to start pulling back in the first place, but emotionally vomiting on her is just going to make her feel overwhelmed, so it's good you've stopped doing that.

 

Just because someone is in their 40s does not mean they deal with stress, anxiety, or depression well. It takes some people longer than others to get it together, and dealing with being that age, having lost your spouse, having to move back in with one's PARENTS, and having to take on a stressful job to support your kids that you are raising as a single mom -- that's a LOT of-probably-not-where-she-thought-she'd-be-in-life. That doesn't mean you should be a doormat, nor does it mean she should be unfair to you or treat you badly. But it does mean she may not be coping well, and you may not know the right way to respond -- maybe neither of you know the right way to communicate.

 

I don't think you need to play a game with her with space, contact, no contact. Yes, she needs a few days first, and you need to let her recover from your emotional smothering. But what you two really need to do is sit down and talk about what she needs to feel supported by you when she's going through a tough time, and what you need back from her so that you don't bottle up your emotions and then unleash them on her. Frankly, some therapy would probably help her right about now too.

 

If this doesn't work out, it's probably not really about you and is more about her being in a messed up head space and changing as a person as she figures out her way through it. I hope you two can improve your relationship, and I don't think it's time to give up yet since she sounds like she's still in it and there are steps you can take to improve things, but you are in a complicated situation. Have some compassion for both of you, take a breath, and good luck

[bummer]

My apologies for being blunt with some conjecture here. I do wish you the best, and to help her do what's best for the kids above all else.

 

1. You started as a rebound for her to distract herself sexually after just losing her husband.

 

2. You haven't sold your sweet beach digs and bought a burb house for her to move into. Not that that is the smart move, but it's the kind of signalling move to a mother that you are serious and that she can rely on you.

 

3. You honestly bunk up with her, her kids, in her parent's house, and this is the current reality after 2.5 years together?

 

4. When you were in 5th grade, she was a senior in high school. I dunno, it crossed my mind.

 

5. She's looking for a husband replacer. Someone who fills the man's role and shoes and gets her rocks off. But at this stage, it's in that order. Begging, bending, wiggling, and saying I love you a thousand times does not make you a husband or stable boyfriend male role model/provider.

 

Don't give up. Make sure you have an honest conversation in the future where you both can lay out clearly what your expectations are, where your feelings are (does she still want you?) and what concrete steps you both will take to progress this past camping in her parents' house occasionally.

[wolfsuit]

Hi, thanks bummer,

 

I know a lot isn't explained in these posts, so a lot may come across the wrong way. I wasn't the initial rebound from her husband, and even though we started off as a less serious thing, it definitely progressed. One year ago she asked for space because she felt like I was never going to want to leave the beach area (it's not as simply as buying a house in LA), and that she thought it would be years before I was ready to move in together and be very serious. Since then, I started taking large steps toward showing her I am indeed ready. I started coming to spend time with the kids at her place, rather than us spending time at my house without the kids, being involved with the family functions and weekend trips, and serious talks about moving in together. She lives with her parents in a mutual place, she actually pays for mostly, so it's not her relying on parents money, but moreso their time in helping take care of the kids while she works so much. In the past few months we were deciding exactly which neighborhood and school district we would live and were planning to in about 6 months. When I told her recently when she was talking about her feeling depressed and stuck with her parents that I am ready anytime now to move in and that I think of her as a wife and want us to all be a family together, she said she is so stressed with career right now that marriage is now the last thing on her mind unlike a year ago, so I don't think I'm coming across that I'm not willing or ready to step up. She said she is very happy that I opened my heart up to her kids and that I'm her rock during all of her ups and downs. Yes, we have a 7 year age difference, but I don't think that really matters, we have always gotten along extremely well personality wise and enjoy all of the same things.

Edited September 7, 2017 by wolfsuit

[HarmonyDriven]

Just trying to take it one day at a time.

 

 

This is all you can do at this point. Give her the space she wants. In the meantime, keep yourself occupied with work, friends, family, etc....

 

If your relationship is meant to be, she will come back to you. Simple as that.

 

IMO, I would not contact her. If she does not contact you after 30 days, I think it's fair to say - time to move on.

[wolfsuit]

I spoke to her today. Turns out she really did only want some space due to feeling pressure from work lately, and had no intention of breaking anything off. So, we're good for now, and going to try and communicate more effectively. Thanks for the input everyone.