Arguments & Fights

[CMC1221]

Hey alll,

For those in serious relationships.. how often do you guys argue or fight? Is it normal?

[bummer]

not in a relationship, but from experience fairly regular disagreements like weekly. Mostly pertaining to me being late somewhere. For me it's normal. An actual argument or fight over something serious? Rarely.

 

The key is: any argument over 5 minutes and both parties lose. Known fact of the universe right there.

[CMC1221]

not in a relationship, but from experience fairly regular disagreements like weekly. Mostly pertaining to me being late somewhere. For me it's normal. An actual argument or fight over something serious? Rarely.

 

The key is: any argument over 5 minutes and both parties lose. Known fact of the universe right there.

 

Can I ask why they didn't work out?

[basil67]

We're building at present and have been bickering a bit. You have no idea the drama that can be caused by decorating The kids have called us on it and we've toned it down.

 

But bickering is as bad as it gets. We may get a bit snippy or short with each other at times like this, but there's no raised voices or anything hurtful said. And it doesn't last long.

Edited September 6, 2017 by basil67

[seren]

We've been together for around 32 years, we bicker like a lot of people, but it is just bickering. Raise the rafters rows are usually over somethings really trivial and blow over in next to no times, never overnight. One rule we both have is never going to sleep on an argument or leaving the house without sorting it out. We live rurally, me and he are each others best friend, if he has a bad day in work or is super tired he gets grumpy. I tell him to have a sleep until he can act like a nice human being, when I am snippy he just goes to his shed.

 

All relationships have arguments and rows as part of their dynamic. it is when things get personal or nasty that it is time to examine off there is anything deeper than just having a bad day or the little stuff that annoys as the root of the argument.

[Redhead14]

Hey alll,

For those in serious relationships.. how often do you guys argue or fight? Is it normal?

 

If it is fairly early in the relationship and there are frequent full-blown arguments, you need to evaluate whether the two of you are fundamentally compatible to start with.

 

Some people are what's called "right fighters". They have to be right or have it their way, no matter what. If that is the characteristic of a partner, it's not healthy. I would likely leave someone who handled arguments that way early in a relationship.

 

Arguments in relationships are actually healthy to a point. Daily, weekly is a problem. In longer term relationships, it's not about the arguments, it's about the reasons for the arguing. Lots of couples argue all the time. But, it's they usually argue over "topics". Little annoyances, etc. when in fact, the arguing is related to larger issues with the relationship. Oftentimes, its the unresolved issues in a relationship that are causing the problem on a regular basis. Couples who never argue are likely not communicating at all anyway. When a couple tells me they never argue, it raises a flag for me. One or both of those partners is burying things and at some point all that stuff is going to come out in a barrage of unmendable ugliness usually.

 

Arguing is inevitable. It's how you argue that's important. How you argue over a particular problem and whether or not those arguments get resolved/put to bed is the really important thing to keep in mind. Name calling, going off topic and bringing up past unresolved issues often fuel arguments. The more things you can resolve or at least compromise on over time, the fewer arguments there will be over time. Good conflict resolution skills are key to a successful partnership. Both parties need to evaluate and reflect on their own behaviors during arguments. It is possible and a good idea to have an "argument agreement".

 

When one or both of you get to a point when you are feeling like you can't maintain respect/dignity/focus on the problem, you both need to agree to step away from it and make a time when you can both sit down calmly and discuss it. While you are taking that break from the argument, you are reflecting and weighing what the partner's position is on the subject, just how important it is to you and whether or not it is something you can compromise on.

 

Sometimes a couple can't come to a compromise. So, it's good to have an agreement about what to do in those cases -- i.e. one partner is more knowledgeable about that so leave it to them or one feels more strongly about it than the other. Whatever criteria works for that couple.

[Larryville]

how often do you guys argue or fight? Is it normal?

 

“fighting?” if it’s all the time no. Argue? Maybe depends, and it depends on why you are asking.

 

While growing up did you parents fight or argue? Were you a witness to one or another not being heard or being disrespected? That is key.

 

In addition, if you feel like you are able to work through that conflict or at least come out heard by and connected to your partner that is also key.

 

If you argue and fight and nothing changes in the relationship ask yourself, the way it is right now, would I be happy in this for the rest of my life?” If your answer is a hard “hell no,” then well.

 

Folks think that thru fighting their SO will somehow change, but the thing is we can't actually change anyone, and change only works if BOTH are willing to compromise.

 

If you figure you can compromise and pick your battles and your partner is willing to do the same, that's the point.

 

If you're able to openly communicate your needs and concerns to your partner who's willing to work on change, then you're looking at a nice, healthy mature relationship... and mature has NOTHING to do with age either.

 

Oh and last point some people fight because they are bored. You've got nothing better to do, so you pick on the people closest to you namely, the person you're in a relationship with.

 

If two people has got it together, happy with themselves, open communication, hobbies, interests something else to focus on you are going to be too busy to fight.

 

When folks get bored they look elsewhere for “entertainment” and the fights become “invented” and then again some people are addicted to drama and that is a whole other can of worms.

[bummer]

Can I ask why they didn't work out?

 

I'm a selfish ******* half the time and unavailable the rest. Honestly though, I ended many a good relationship on grounds that I thought I could do better and needed to date more. The last one, the one I haunt this website for, wrecked my brain and turned me into a codependent nightmare with no boundaries because I was dealing with her personality disorders while trying to coax her into a long term relationship. Ended when she blamed me for being an unavailable selfish *******, cheated, then dumped me. The only hours long battle arguments I ever engaged in were with her because I thought it was worth it to convince her I wasn't a complete tool. Waste of time.

 

But to the point, as others state, if it's fairly early and you fight fight, like prolonged arguments, it's a compatibility problem. Best rule I try to live by is you can NOT change someone. You can rarely argue them into seeing your side. If there is love, like 1Corinthians13, it will not be boastful or self-seeking and will be boundless in forgiveness and patience.

[d0nnivain]

I never did the rocky tumultuous dysfunctional thing. I don't like fighting. My parents were married for almost 50 years before they passed away. They fought almost weekly. It was really sick.

 

I've been married for 9 years next month. DH & I fought -- I mean raised voices, harsh words, tears, etc. -- twice. Once while we were dating & one shortly after we got married.

 

I lived with an EX for almost 10 years. I think we fought 3 times. Our break up wasn't even a fight. It was a calm quiet announcement on my part; no yelling or screaming.

 

In every one of my relationship, there have been healthy debates. We get frustrated with each other. One of us may be stressed or in a bad mood. We don't agree on everything but there is very little nastiness. Part of it is how you disagree. There have been times when I have been mad at DH. Instead of screaming or biting his head off & causing damage to our relationship, I try to take a few breaths, calm myself down & work out how I can express how upset I am without attacking him. I had to teach myself to do that.

 

However one of my BFF's has been with her guy for 17 years. They still aren't married. They seem to have these emotional knock down drag out drunken fights about every 3-4 months with the same issues at the core. It's ridiculous.

[CMC1221]

Wow thanks for the response guys! That is very helpful and I guess my SO and I don't have bad arguments, we've never called each other names or yelled. I usually cry, but that's because I'm an emotional person lol... we have "arguments" like twice a month over something silly... maybe it's not 5 minutes and we're over it but it's never more than a day.. sometimes I come at him snippy when I'm mad and that's something I want to change. But all of your responses are awesome!