ww Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 what do you think about the following. If a person in long term relationship falls in love with someone else .Has an A but than turns to the partner and gets married.( without getting completely over the A ) Can this work out? Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 If a person has unresolved feelings for someone else, and the person in question is still all about the affair and unwilling to let it go as well, then IMO no the marriage isn't going to work out because the issues surrounding why the affair took place to begin with have not been resolved. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted August 14, 2005 Share Posted August 14, 2005 Why would "you" want to get married at that point? It would seem like the person is settleing for the person they are marrying. Dose of reality? Marriage doesn't solve problems! There's obviously a reason they had an affair. That didn't just go away. It frustrates me when people believe that marriage is like a band aid, and if they have the ceremony all their problems will be solved. Why? Nothings been resolved. The root of the problem is still there. It's a sure fire way to end up divorced. Or worse, unhappily married and feeling as if you're chained to someone. What I'm saying is the problem still exists. Questions to ask "yourself". What was the underlying reason for the affair? What was the person searching for in someone new? ie. the newness, feel special, sex because they were bored with the finance. Don't start a marriage with this issue unresolved. It's a definite avenue toward divorce. Postpone the marriage, or what ever is neccessary, to ensure this issue is defined, and then a solution is found. I know from experience that if it's a problem before the marriage, it will be a bigger problem after the marriage. Things don't magically dissappear. They may subside for a while. But they don't go away, and have this uncanny way of resurfacing just when you don't want them to. Bigger and more complex. Unless the person likes the idea of divorce down the road. Then I'd suggest postponment. (like years) Or complete dissolution of the relationship. This isn't a small problem that can be dealt with easily. It can't be swept under the rug and forgotten by either party. This isn't as if one person is upset that the other leaves their dirty clothes on the floor, and even that in marriage can cause a heck of a lot of problems. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 14, 2005 Share Posted August 14, 2005 Originally posted by ww what do you think about the following. If a person in long term relationship falls in love with someone else .Has an A but than turns to the partner and gets married.( without getting completely over the A ) Can this work out? I'd say generally yes (sort of, anyway - on his end of things), because he feels differently about the person he is marrying than he does with the person he is having an affair with. He may not be over the affair, but those emotions have little or nothing to do with how he feels about the person he married. However... I would think a person who is capable of this type of compartmentalizing will end up having affairs later in the marriage because they are getting their 'W' needs met, but they will always have 'OW' needs too that are independent of the 'W' needs. As long as whatever makes the guy have 'OW' needs in his life remains unaddressed then he will continue to have affairs (or at the very least, want to). This isn't the type of guy who leaves his W - affairs or no affairs - so the OW will just have to accept her meager place in this, if she expects him to stick around because the second she starts moving in on trying to fill 'W' type needs instead of 'OW' type needs, she'll be history because he already has a W and does not want or need anyone else trying to fill that need. This sounds like a cakeman to me. Link to post Share on other sites
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