Is my ex wife's shame making her a time like this?

[Dagger76]

Very long story short

My wife of 4 years cheated last year. Ca me out of nowhere for me and mine as we just opened a business and we're disscusing future plans and she claimed she was very happy after a few years of ups and downs.

I'm a grumpy guy sometimes stubborn but I loved her dearly and was loyal and kind and loving to her always. We had two kids one is my step daughter I've raised since infancy

I went away for work and she slept with a local guy who I didn't trust but trusted her. I got back and after a few weeks of knowing some thing was wrong she tolde she was unhappy and had been for a long time and she wanted to leave . I asked her to try therapy as this even was out of nowhere for me (and everyone we knew . She told everyone she was happy ) she agreed but days later refused. We got I to a fight and she finally confessed .by lied about who it was even though I knew(this all started because I almost walked in on them at my shop.caught in the act I guess)

She left our house and finally over text confessed to not all. Said she did it because she knew it would end it for good and to prevent her from coming back even if she felt sad becauseshe was done. I've only read about people doing that when they're trying to leave extremely abusive and negative relationships. Ours was not that at all! But then also why wouldn't she just tell me right away and why agree to therapy if she wanted out ?

She left and then immediately moved on to other guys . Not even the guy she cheated on me with . 5 guys in a few weeks. Found this all out after I asked her to talk and fix it . She refused . After I caught her talking to the guy twice after she said she wouldn't and after I tried to stop out fighting to be better for our kids and for us. Deep love for her I couldn't imagine life without her

Needless to say after I found all that out I was done.planned to file for divorceafter the year . We keep it cool for the kids and I don't want to mess then up anymore so I'm being more than civil in that case

She started dating one guy just two months after who let my kids immediately. Not the only one either who she keeps dumping and jumping on another guy . This guy seems to be her back up. I've never met him and she tis to hide his exitI stance from me .

Not once has she tried to make up for this. At drop off she doesn't look at me doesn't talk .

She basically has acted like I did the wrong even though she admitted to being ashamed . Even though after all of that she never intended to even divorce me and would only do it if I did.

I've been angry hurt and all the normal. But I've tried to make things civil with ua and do things with out courts but she will not talk about it. Ignores me in public line were don't know each other . Still to this day can't look at me. I even wrote a letter telling her if she would just talk to me I forgive her and if she didn't want to divorce me then we can stop it. No response. It even seemed to get worse after. She moved and didn't think she had to let me know . Told me she doesn't care if we're ever friends and wants nothing to do with Mr.

I could go on . But this behaviour even now I's so confusing. She cheated. She left . She's moved on a lot and seems as insulting as it is to not even consider me plan b when her fun single life is stale.

She's determined to stay away and just act like this . Why if she's our would she not take me up on trying to even make amends for the sake of the kids l? Why if she's so ashamed would she not take the olive branches I gave her? Why is possible for her to keep this other guy around over and over but I can't get get to talk to me in person? We have children together and née to be around each other for years to come.

Is her shame and embarrassementthat extreme? She always had depression issues and had a very unloving upbringing. But I never doubted she loved me and never thought she'd do this. It's not even the cheating but everything else that I can't get over or understand. I've never heard of this from anyone else ever in this situation. They can talk at least or try to reconcile.

She acts like I should be acting. Why?

[road]

She is not interested in getting back with you.

So you should make the divorce happen.

 

Could she change her mind and eventually come

back after the divorce? Some people have. That

does not mean that she would.

 

So take steps to protect yourself.

[Been]

Of course she's embarrassed. She CHEATED on her husband who is the father to her kids. Not something to be proud of.

Don't takes her back and STOP telling her she can comeback. Trust me when I tell you it will just be a repeat.

[Dagger76]

Yeah I asked to talk about it when it first happened. Then 9 moths later to try to just fix our relationship even if it's not reonciliation. Just not cold silence and anger . From both of us. Basically said I wanted to truly forgive her and put some end to her shame too .but she'd have to show me some sign she was remorseful or actually sorry. So I wouldn't divorce her and start a path to some civility for our children if she'd just man up . Tall order to ask but I had to try before I filed

 

In November I talked to her about divorce and she told me she didn't see the point? !?! Didn't want to change her name and we agree on the kids as her reasons . Going through legal aidea so it costs nothing. Who does all that and not want to divorce as well?! Like I said I don't even rate to her as "plan b". She'll never initiate a divorce bit will do it if I do. What choice do I have?

I get the shame but this is extreme considering our past.people I've talked to in this situation can either talk to each other or try to come back because theyre at least guilty. And these are people who had worse relationships than us (I'm not saying we were perfect at all. We weren't but not so bad the thought of ever returning was such a nightmare for her.

Its been this long and she can't even tell me she's moving down the street . I have to hear it on Facebook . I told her months before I moved. We have a custody agreement. Just even that curtsy is beyond her because she doesn't want to deal with me?

It's fustrating I'm really trying g to move on and not under the illusionwell ever get back together but we're in this redicoulous limbo and i can't try to make her **** up better for even the kids anymore . She put up some crazy walls and I can't help but wonder if it's her not dealing and regretting it but she feels it's too late so better nothing. ......or she's just a clod hearted bitch. And I don't know which is worse

[Dagger76]

Who wouldn't want to be forgiven something they're so obviously ashamed of and let's it affect her still. She hasn't looked me in the eye in a year. But her attitude is one of "yeah I'm sorry but what do you want me to do cam we move on ?" . But I try to sit her down to talk about the kids and sheI reluctant because she's uncomfortable! What about how I feel but I'm trying .....

[JS84]

Nm after reading this again you just need to let her go. She's no good.

Edited September 7, 2017 by JS84

[Rockdad]

I hope you have taken steps to protect yourself financially. Your still legally married and she can wreck you financially for a long time in the future. How many people didn't cut off the bank accounts and credit cards?

 

I was one of those nubes that didn't even think of it when I filed for divorce.

My soon to be ex went on a spree of racking up enormous credit card charges and opening new ones. My bank covered checking overdrafts to a tune of thousands. This nube was the one to have to pay it all back plus a credit score that was now in the cellar.

[Dagger76]

She honestly has done zero to make this hard to leave. Didn't want anything not after me for the kids or money. Im self-employed so I make nothing on paper but I have the kids 50/50 so she wouldn't get anything anyhow. But even that to not try . Just g one and left me to deal with it all. If I didn't push for any of this she'd not bother. But is never coming back

[Dagger76]

JS84 were you gping to say something?yeah I'm divorcin her and I don't talk to her at all unless it kids. Probably why she latched onto another guy as plan b as I from the start wouldn't have it. But her behaviour is so extreme it's hard to understand. I'm letting go but it's hard. Literally one day I was happily married then boom.

Like if her reasons for going were what she says shouldn't she be OK with it? I feel I'm more accepting of what happened and am just trying to move past it. But get a wall from her like I did something wrong.