Odd post from step daughter

[Mapper71]

SD turns 20 next month and she put a post on Facebook yesterday saying "In a civil union". Umm, okay?? I do realize kids put all kinds of crap on Facebook. About 2 months ago she posted "In a relationship" but didn't say with who, and actually about 5 months ago she posted she was married to this guy and then when people start going "What?" she goes "Oh it's just a joke between us".

 

However, this time it's kind of odd. My husband replied with "Whaaaa??" and her grandma replied with "???" SD replies with "It's temp. Don't freak out yo, just call me jeez" and then adds "Did y'all see the coping mechanism post I put up?" It's temp??? What does that mean? She's never shown an interest in the same sex before and has dated a bunch of guys and was saying when we saw her last month that maybe she'd meet a nice boy at the concert that night.

[Mapper71]

Okay I got the scoop on what is going on. So H comes to bed at about 1AM this morning. He doesn't say anything for a while and then I get up and go to the bathroom and then he starts telling me. First he tells me that SD had called him and left a message at 3:30 yesterday morning which is about the time when she sent the Facebook message "It's just temp, don't freak out just call me jeez". So apparently she decided to call at 3:30 AM??? She was probably high as H even said that seems seems to be smoking a lot of pot for her age, even though he smoked as much at her age and that the 1/2 hour conversation was very disjointed. Then he decided to call her last night at almost midnight. She proceeds to tell him that she was in a relationship with a younger guy, H didn't ask but assumes he was 17 for whatever reason, and the guy got jealous that SD had guys she was texting and she said they were just friends, yadda yadda so he ended up breaking up with her. So this must have been the guy she said "In a relationship" with on Facebook 2 months ago. Obviously didn't last long. Then this guy from 5 months ago where she posted "Married" to and then just said it was all a joke between them is apparently now the guy she's in a "civil union" with. She tells H that this guy has cancer or something and will only live another 3 years and she promised she'd marry him before he dies. Whaaat?! So I look up civil union in WA state and yes there is opposite sex civil union, but one of the couple has to be 62 years old, which obviously isn't the case! You also have to live together, which also isn't the case. However H tells me this morning that she was just out of her mind when she wrote that. Like he said, probably too much pot.

 

That girl is so drama filled! She tells H that she's broken. No you're just an extremely drama filled teenager. She's always saying she keeps getting crapped on by guys, but is just like her mother and always has to find a guy to be with. Oh and then she isn't sure what she wants to do regarding school (if she's even going). She couldn't handle nursing so now wants to be a dermatologist. Then she also told him that maybe she wants to do a trade and when he asked her what trade she said farming!

 

H says she's struggling with stuff and isn't sure what is going on between her mom and her. She still lives at home with her mom and her mom's boyfriend, but I think she spends the majority of her time (nights as well) at other people's houses. He is going down to visit her next weekend and I can just see him bringing up "You should come live with us for a while until you get your life on track" like he has brought up to her before. Once it almost happened much to my dismay. I'm sorry, but I don't need a nearly 20 year old drama-filled girl who smokes too much pot, which she would no doubt freely do at our house (right along with H), and drinks (which he would allow her to do) taking up space in my house! It's only a 1000 sq ft house and sometimes it seems too small for just the 2 of us. I have never lived with her and the longest she's stayed with us is 2 weeks. At 20 years old, she needs to not move between parents, but go out and make things happen! H is certainly no role model and I don't know what he thinks he'd be achieving by having her move 3 hours north to a podunk town. I'm sure he'd entice her with all the great stuff they'd do and how he'd make things happen for her, but all that would happen is he'd let her do whatever she wants while he plays his video games, but she'd be here and not with her mom. Almost like a "Screw you ex! Now she likes me best"

[knabe]

You two have a lot in common. You both love drama. Have you spoken with her about any of this?

[Mapper71]

You two have a lot in common. You both love drama. Have you spoken with her about any of this?

 

My drama is all internal and nobody but you lucky souls on the internet get to hear about it. Externally I am perfectly happy and cause zero drama. I have a job, go to work, no friend drama where I am constantly losing friends. Her drama is all external. She can't keep a job because "everybody hates her" and she quits, she goes thru a ton of boys, can't consistently go to school because she has anxiety or some drama. It's all her own making. And I don't talk to her about it. She's not my kid. And H certainly doesn't ask her about school. He doesn't even know if she's going! All he keeps telling her is that she needs to join the military or take a trip to Europe. He doesn't care if she's in school or has a job, she just needs to join the military, which will never happen.

Edited September 7, 2017 by Mapper71

[Mapper71]

Yup, so here came the "She needs to move up here and live with us" talk last night! Every time SD has an issue with something down there and confides in H, H's first response is "You need to move away from there and come up here". He says to me as we are going to dinner last night "I really think SD needs to get away from her mom and live up here. She can work at a Starbucks here just as well as down there and go to the community college here if she wants. She needs to get away from all the boys there and I think her mom is pulling her in all directions and that is stressing SD out". Well maybe her mom is saying she needs to go to school and figure out what she wants rather than you who is telling her she needs to go to Europe to "find herself" or just take some time off and chill and travel. And you don't think she'd have boy issues up here?? He is so concerned with her pot smoking and says she is so involved in the pot culture and it's too much for her. So coming up here to be around you who smokes pot and drinks too much is definitely going to help her?? Give her direction?? Oh and you also plan on showing her your values of not going to work for days at a time when someone at work pisses you off? What exactly is he hoping she'll gain by moving up here and doing the same thing she's doing down there?

 

And there's just no telling him how I feel. When I start to tell him I'm not on board with her coming he cuts me off and says "Do you want her to be miserable down there? She's my daughter and I'm always here for her and she's welcome whenever." And even if I say "I don't want her drinking or smoking up here he'll tell me he'll make sure that doesn't happen but the first night here she'll be doing both. If I say she needs to get a job right away he'll say "Oh definitely" but then after a week or so and I say "Is she looking for a job?" he'll say "She just got here. Let her chill out for a month before she does anything". If I say "I want to set a limit for how long she'll be here" and he'll say "Well yeah, I'm thinking a year until she can find a place of her own" I guarantee you she'll be here 5 years. He'll just say whatever to get me on board and won't follow through with any of it. He doesn't enforce anything because he wants her to be happy.

 

This is probably the 4th time he's told me that she needs to move here. The first one being 5 years ago when she wanted to, and it seemed it was going to happen, but then her mom intervened. There are two other times I can think of in the past few years where he's told me the same thing when she complains to him about something going on down there, but nothing ever happened because I don't think he ever pursued it. I don't know why he thinks that's the only solution for her. What is she going to do up here that is SOOOO different from down there? She has no friends here. She'll be doing the same dead end barista job she does down there, just a new location. She's just not a happy go lucky person. She has so much angst and anxiety and coming here isn't going to change any of that. But nothing I say to him will change his mind about her moving up here.

[whichwayisup]

My drama is all internal and nobody but you lucky souls on the internet get to hear about it. Externally I am perfectly happy and cause zero drama. I have a job, go to work, no friend drama where I am constantly losing friends. Her drama is all external. She can't keep a job because "everybody hates her" and she quits, she goes thru a ton of boys, can't consistently go to school because she has anxiety or some drama. It's all her own making. And I don't talk to her about it. She's not my kid. And H certainly doesn't ask her about school. He doesn't even know if she's going! All he keeps telling her is that she needs to join the military or take a trip to Europe. He doesn't care if she's in school or has a job, she just needs to join the military, which will never happen.

 

I feel sorry for her. She has a mother who lets her do whatever she pleases, a father who doesn't really care and can't be bothered to make an effort unless he feels like it and she has you, a step mother who hates her and wants really nothing to do with her. This poor girl has issues because of her upbringing and there hasn't been anybody in her corner to truly get her the help she desperately needs.

 

She is doing this for attention and she knows people react. Any kind of reaction/attention is better than none.

[Mapper71]

I feel sorry for her. She has a mother who lets her do whatever she pleases, a father who doesn't really care and can't be bothered to make an effort unless he feels like it and she has you, a step mother who hates her and wants really nothing to do with her. This poor girl has issues because of her upbringing and there hasn't been anybody in her corner to truly get her the help she desperately needs.

 

She is doing this for attention and she knows people react. Any kind of reaction/attention is better than none.

 

She goes to a counselor down there, but we have no idea what she talks about with her or what her issues truly are other than her telling us all the time that she's "broken". She won't tell us what is really going on with her or what is causing her all this alleged anxiety that is keeping her from doing anything.

 

And just to be clear, I'd be fine if she wanted to move up here and get her own apartment. Perfectly fine with that. But she can't afford her own apartment. I'm damn ready to say I'll pay for it if she simply won't live here and live on my couch in front of the tv and have her room look like a tornado went through it from the moment she gets here. I just don't want to live with her. That goes for EVERYONE else as well, not just her. I don't want my mom, my sister, H's mom, H's brother, H's sister, my best friend, his best friend, ANYONE staying with us. I can't even stand having overnight guests and now to have a possible extra adult living with us for who knows how long?? No thank you!!

Edited September 8, 2017 by Mapper71

[healing light]

I think you're right to put your foot down about her moving into your house. It sounds like you already resent her and your partner. Why can't he help partially fund her apartment until she gets on a solid footing? Having her live with you sounds like it would be the end of your relationship.

[Ronni_W]

My drama is all internal and nobody but you lucky souls on the internet get to hear about it. Externally I am perfectly happy and cause zero drama.

Unfortunately, Mapper71, this most likely isn't what's actually going on for all the people around you. (Best, of course, to ask the others for their honest-yet-kind assessment and experience of you.) Everyone has their own level of being able to 'tap into' your emotional vibe or aura or energy field or whatever we might want to call it.

 

The 'circle of influence' sounds like it's comprised of people who are not actually receiving or giving genuine interest, care, concern, understanding, honesty, time, effort from/to the other people in the 'circle' -- and the young lady in question can be the catalyst for the entire 'sphere' to get more real and more honest and more loving with each other.

 

For sure it's a tough dynamic to change. (For me, I couldn't do it and had to end a bunch of friendships and social/family relationships, and get divorced...but that is why I feel it's better to fight harder if we possible can.)

[It Is What It Is]

Mapper, with all due respect (or whatever similar emotion is deemed appropriate on this forum), I can't decide why I even read your posts. The best I can come up with is that it's like watching a car accident -- horrific but it's difficult to look away.

 

Why do you care what your step-daughter puts on Facebook as her relationship status? From your previous posts, it seems clear that you dislike her intensely.

 

I feel sorry for her. Like WWIU said, she has no one in her corner -- least of all, you, but not even her parents. She is acting out to get attention. Something which you should be able to connect with and recognize. But she is only 20 years old.

[whichwayisup]

She goes to a counselor down there, but we have no idea what she talks about with her or what her issues truly are other than her telling us all the time that she's "broken". She won't tell us what is really going on with her or what is causing her all this alleged anxiety that is keeping her from doing anything.

And she shouldn't discuss what she talks about with the counselor with you or her father. That's private and between them.

 

It is obvious most of her anxiety is pain and having an unsettled upbringing, parents divorce. it's affected her deeply and not one person has truly had her back.

And just to be clear, I'd be fine if she wanted to move up here and get her own apartment. Perfectly fine with that. But she can't afford her own apartment. I'm damn ready to say I'll pay for it if she simply won't live here and live on my couch in front of the tv and have her room look like a tornado went through it from the moment she gets here. I just don't want to live with her. That goes for EVERYONE else as well, not just her. I don't want my mom, my sister, H's mom, H's brother, H's sister, my best friend, his best friend, ANYONE staying with us. I can't even stand having overnight guests and now to have a possible extra adult living with us for who knows how long?? No thank you!!

 

So, do that. Help her out with rent so she can have her own place. At least that's doing something kind for her.

[S2B]

Since he wants her to move there - allow him the honor of working twice as many hours to help her get an apartment and get settled on her own.

 

When a few months have passed and she is capable of supporting herself he can cut back on his hours at work.

 

It's what HE wants - so HE should be responsible for helping her figure out how to get started being independent.

 

Most young people need help at the start. She can work hard and support herself after a few months. This is how she will get proud of herself as time goes along.

[Mapper71]

Since he wants her to move there - allow him the honor of working twice as many hours to help her get an apartment and get settled on her own.

 

When a few months have passed and she is capable of supporting herself he can cut back on his hours at work.

 

It's what HE wants - so HE should be responsible for helping her figure out how to get started being independent.

 

Most young people need help at the start. She can work hard and support herself after a few months. This is how she will get proud of herself as time goes along.

 

Yes he SHOULD be the one to pay for an apartment for her, but he wouldn't because he can't afford to pay his own share of the bills and mortgage now so how the hell is he going to help pay for an apartment for her? Apartments cost practically as much as our monthly mortgage! Plus the reason he wants her up here is so that he gets to spend time with her and nurture her so he doesn't want her to NOT live with us. Oh and he has offered several times to pay half for her to go to Europe on a tour. Got me how that's going to happen since the total cost of that would be like $3500 with the airfare and he has $1700 just sitting around somewhere? And you know she doesn't.

 

Am I wrong to be upset at the fact that I already have to pay the entirety of nearly every bill and mortgage payment because he can't afford to help and now he wants to invite his adult daughter, who he won't ask to help with bills, to move in as well? He'll spend twice as much as he does now on making sure she has everything she wants which definitely means no helping with bills!

[S2B]

I think your husband has the money.

 

It's just easy for him to use you though - to pay his way all the time.

 

On the other hand you could use help with your passive aggressive nature.

[whichwayisup]

Yes he SHOULD be the one to pay for an apartment for her, but he wouldn't because he can't afford to pay his own share of the bills and mortgage now so how the hell is he going to help pay for an apartment for her? Apartments cost practically as much as our monthly mortgage! Plus the reason he wants her up here is so that he gets to spend time with her and nurture her so he doesn't want her to NOT live with us. Oh and he has offered several times to pay half for her to go to Europe on a tour. Got me how that's going to happen since the total cost of that would be like $3500 with the airfare and he has $1700 just sitting around somewhere? And you know she doesn't.

 

Am I wrong to be upset at the fact that I already have to pay the entirety of nearly every bill and mortgage payment because he can't afford to help and now he wants to invite his adult daughter, who he won't ask to help with bills, to move in as well? He'll spend twice as much as he does now on making sure she has everything she wants which definitely means no helping with bills!

 

You have separate issues at play here, so I'm commenting on this part. you pay for pretty much everything house wise, bills etc and that's not going to change unless you find the courage to change your home dynamic with your husband. This always ALL comes back to your relationship with him and how things are between you two. If you two solved and fixed your problems in your marriage, life would be better and you'd feel happier and not so stressed out about everything.

[Miss Clavel]

 

Am I wrong to be upset at the fact that I already have to pay the entirety of nearly every bill and mortgage payment because he can't afford to help and now he wants to invite his adult daughter, who he won't ask to help with bills, to move in as well? He'll spend twice as much as he does now on making sure she has everything she wants which definitely means no helping with bills!

 

it might be time for you to move out. take your **** and your money and move.

 

 

ya, ya, ya. you'll lose the house, you'll ruin your credit. so what? people file bankruptcy every day.

 

let go of these two. let them sit, smoke, drink and play video games until the power company cuts the juice and the bank moves their crap to the curb.

 

why not?

 

i don't see a single word about how your love your husband or why? and i'd be shocked if you could love a man child that can't provide and worse, one you don't respect.

 

tell him, "if she comes here, i go".

 

move out.

 

no more excuses. if we, strangers on the internet can see that your marriage is nothing more then "assisted living, day care for handicapped adults", why can't you?

 

go to the store, bring home card board boxes and tape. start packing.

 

believe me, when they see the bread winner is gonna hoof it, they are gonna start changing. verbally anyway.

 

nothing is gonna change until you do.

 

it's your way or the highway and they already told you, it's their way, so hit the road.

 

good luck