Vanity1 Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 Alot of people think it's harmless or a natural human being reaction. Others think it's another form of cheating. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 I think your statement succinctly describes the 2 opposing view points on the subject. The trick is to date somebody who shares your perspective. When the "cheating" camp tries to date the "harmless flirting" camp, it just causes problems & drama. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Shanex Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 Agree with the above. Harmless flirting is not cheating. I'm nowhere as clingy or insecure, but you've got to find a similarily minded SO. Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 Friendliness and banter are NOT dangerous in and of themselves to a relationship. In fact, for adults, in 99% of job and school and professional environments, connecting with people and camaraderie are necessary for success. Sexual innuendo, covert invitation, etc. ARE dangerous. A health person will understand the difference. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 For some odd reason, people find a need to "test" their SO's threshold for a variety of things....this being no different.... You don't need to flirt to lead a normal and healthy life..and only an idiot wouldn't realize that some people(probably more like a lot of people) won't like it if their SO was doing it with others while with them....So, is it really that important for people to do it?? Its like the guy with naked pictures of women or his exes on his phone...Another recent thread...You get people defending the guy and saying she shouldn't have snooped on his phone or she should just deal with it....Its stupid and inconsiderate... If you like/love that person, then don't choose to push that envelope...Sometimes people will say they don't mind, but deep inside they do...Life/relationships are hard enough without this stuff... .02 TFY 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 I was married to someone for fourteen years who couldn't help himself with regard to flirting. Looking back, I'm ashamed of how often I excused the behavior. It's disrespectful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 People behave differently. Arguing with someone else that their lifestyle is wrong and immoral is generally not going to get you anywhere. Choose a partner who shares your values to begin with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 I think the problem lies in what people call flirting. Some people touch and bat eyes and compliment and make innuendo and insist they are "just friendly." Some people wig out when their spouse asks a client "how do you like your new house?" In the middle is where normal people live. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Steve51 Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 For some reason that women have, they like to flirt with me and I flirt back. My wife likes that other woman want me. She liked to show me off, even to the point of inviting each of her girlfriends to have sex with me. Apparently I was a hottie according to the girls in our town and high school. The cool part is that out of the three women I have had a relationship with, all are bi so they liked to flirt with girls too. I am married for 45 years and my wife shared me with her best friend for most of that time. She never got jealous because she knows who my heart belongs to. Insecurity causes jealousy and feeling threatened by flirting. A secure woman does not feel threatened by other women or harmless flirting. In my case I enjoyed the hunt but not the kill. For various reasons women wanted to have sex with me more than date me. Most times they did the flirting and I flirted back. I just wanted the ego boost and to see if I could catch my prey. However, I was into catch and release and my wife got to enjoy my arousal when I got home. It is very subjective but secure women are not threatened by flirting or having their man look at other women. More women look at my wife than me and it does not bother me a bit. I know where I stand in our marriage and fear no loss. In case you feel it is disrespectful, respect is one of the those things that people tend to define as they wish and not universal most times. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 For some reason that women have, they like to flirt with me and I flirt back. My wife likes that other woman want me. She liked to show me off, even to the point of inviting each of her girlfriends to have sex with me. Apparently I was a hottie according to the girls in our town and high school. The cool part is that out of the three women I have had a relationship with, all are bi so they liked to flirt with girls too. I am married for 45 years and my wife shared me with her best friend for most of that time. She never got jealous because she knows who my heart belongs to. Insecurity causes jealousy and feeling threatened by flirting. A secure woman does not feel threatened by other women or harmless flirting. In my case I enjoyed the hunt but not the kill. For various reasons women wanted to have sex with me more than date me. Most times they did the flirting and I flirted back. I just wanted the ego boost and to see if I could catch my prey. However, I was into catch and release and my wife got to enjoy my arousal when I got home. It is very subjective but secure women are not threatened by flirting or having their man look at other women. More women look at my wife than me and it does not bother me a bit. I know where I stand in our marriage and fear no loss. In case you feel it is disrespectful, respect is one of the those things that people tend to define as they wish and not universal most times. With all due respect man, you are living life as a threesome...I mean, great for you, but it's Unicorn type of shyt...So many real world realities exist outside your 4 walls...Not being judgemental, just pointing out fact.. To say "A secure woman does not feel threatened by other women or harmless flirting." Well, maybe its not about being threatened....Secure women just don't tolerate it, IME...Its degrading to them and not something they want as a characteristic of their partner... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 Well, maybe its not about being threatened....Secure women just don't tolerate it, IME...Its degrading to them and not something they want as a characteristic of their partner... Exactly this. When my ex did it, I never felt threatened. I didn't get jealous or anything like that. But, you're right, it is degrading. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 For some odd reason, people find a need to "test" their SO's threshold for a variety of things....this being no different.... You don't need to flirt to lead a normal and healthy life..and only an idiot wouldn't realize that some people(probably more like a lot of people) won't like it if their SO was doing it with others while with them....So, is it really that important for people to do it?? Its like the guy with naked pictures of women or his exes on his phone...Another recent thread...You get people defending the guy and saying she shouldn't have snooped on his phone or she should just deal with it....Its stupid and inconsiderate... If you like/love that person, then don't choose to push that envelope...Sometimes people will say they don't mind, but deep inside they do...Life/relationships are hard enough without this stuff... .02 TFY Short story, when I was teens, there was a really beautiful friend I kept company with for a summer. I mean, just physically jaw dropping for both men and women gorgeous. We were hanging out and I asked about her bf. She looked at me stone cold and said....he's not my bf. The insinuation was that I was simple (bf? idiot) and she was sophisticated. So a few weeks later her not bf and I were talking and she blew a gasket. She said we couldn't be friends, I was trying to steal her bf. Summation, people say lots of things until it happens to them. Flirtation is perfectly natural between all men/women. It crosses the line, imo, when either...there is ulterior motivation or if a person's SO would be hurt if they were present. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 To say "A secure woman does not feel threatened by other women or harmless flirting." Well, maybe its not about being threatened....Secure women just don't tolerate it, IME...Its degrading to them and not something they want as a characteristic of their partner... I'm a pretty secure woman & I'm a flirty girl. As my husband jokes, I would no more know how to stop flirting then I would know how to stop breathing. My one EX was hugely flirtatious. Any woman in his proximity was targeted. Friends & my own mother used to get all upset. I didn't care because I was quite secure in the knowledge that he was going home with me, which he always did. If a woman tried to take him up on what she thought he was offering, he came & hid behind my skirts. His flirting had nothing to do with the end of our relationship. At no point did I feel degraded or disrespected, nor do I degrade or disrespect my husband. He's secure that I'm not going anywhere. I know where the lines are between harmless flirtation (which I do all the time), actively coming on to somebody (which even I characterize as wrong) and outright cheating (which isn't even up for debate as being wrong) I realize that people, including you, thefooloftheyear, vehemently disagree with my position on the subject. That's OK. It just means that (gender issues notwithstanding) you & I should never date because we'd make each other nuts. I dated a guy once who got all upset every time I so much as talked to another man; he thought every opposite sex encounter was an affront to him & our relationship. We didn't last long. I felt stifled & quite annoyed that I was constantly being accused of cheating when IMO all I was doing was talking. Both sides are right: they believe what works for them & that is fine. But again, when the flirters try to date the people who think that flirtation outside the relationship is inappropriate, the problems develop. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 I realize that people, including you, thefooloftheyear, vehemently disagree with my position on the subject. That's OK. It just means that (gender issues notwithstanding) you & I should never date because we'd make each other nuts. I dated a guy once who got all upset every time I so much as talked to another man; he thought every opposite sex encounter was an affront to him & our relationship. We didn't last long. I felt stifled & quite annoyed that I was constantly being accused of cheating when IMO all I was doing was talking. . You may be dramatizing a bit....I wouldn't in the least bit match the ex you are describing...I'm not controlling and don't get "upset" over it, heck, I don't get upset over practically anything... I just wouldn't pick a woman who has that characteristic.. I recall you questioning your H's sexuality....Perhaps that's why you do it? Maybe you need the validation from other hetero men that you don't get from him?? I dunno...just thinking not being critical or anything... But whatever...It just seems so "bush league" to me...I watch guys flirt with women and watch the women want to crawl out of their skin...Ive had women openly flirt with me(even directly in front of their h's:rolleyes:) and I deliberately don't give them the satisfaction/validation... There is a time and place for everything, as they say....To just indiscriminately flirt with the guy delivering a package, pumping your gas, whatever just seems weird to me...Id imagine that something is missing in that person's life..but each to their own... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 I wonder if some people don't realize it. I know of course some do. But I am just a happy, friendly person. If someone has something in the grocery line that looks good (male or female), I am apt to say "Oh, that looks good. Have you tried it before?" Or if a person has on a shirt for my sports team, I might smile and do "our" team cry. I try not to do it when a man is by himself in case it comes across as flirting, but I am sure some people would say my inquiring about their red velvet ice cream is flirting lol. I have a male friend (I am also friends with his girlfriend). He posted a picture of them on vacation - she is beautiful and very sweet. I commented "how did such an ugly dude get such a gorgeous woman!" with a wink. His girlfriend thought it was hysterical, but a couple of mutual friend snarked at me. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 The line between appropriate interactions with people other than your SO and inappropriate interactions with them is so thick and red to me, it boggles my mind that people have trouble distinguishing it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 I recall you questioning your H's sexuality....Perhaps that's why you do it? Maybe you need the validation from other hetero men that you don't get from him?? I dunno...just thinking not being critical or anything... It's not the cringe worthy flirting. But my behavior if anything has dramatically decreased & probably become "more proper" since I got married. I certainly don't flirt to get a rise out of my husband, nor did I do it to get attention from past BFs. I certainly don't equate love & caring with jealousy. Again I'm NOT talking about actively coming on to someone. But If I tell some guy he looks nice, it's just a plain old compliment, not an invitation to have sex. All of my social circle is flirty; we really don't mean anything but it & nobody crosses the lines. People who try are thereafter excluded. Heck, when DH & I first started dating, I was away for our 1st NYEs. I sent him to a party with my friends. Other people thought that was a terrible decision on my part because there would be single women there & most of them I expect to all give my new BF a kiss on the cheek at midnight. I was fine with that; it was all good. Everything was above board & respectful. My point remains -- people draw their boundaries differently. If you try to date somebody who doesn't share your views & that person doesn't want to redraw their boundaries (I didn't) the relationship won't last long. Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 The line between appropriate interactions with people other than your SO and inappropriate interactions with them is so thick and red to me, it boggles my mind that people have trouble distinguishing it. See...I believe I do not cross that line. But some people's red line is basically right next to breathing in a person's direction. I used to work in sales. I chatted with people about small talk things in addition to the actual sale. Kids, hobbies, football games, etc. According to some people, the mere fact that I mentioned ANYTHING other than the topic of the sale would be inappropriate. I think that is stupid, but that is their boundary. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 See...I believe I do not cross that line. But some people's red line is basically right next to breathing in a person's direction. I used to work in sales. I chatted with people about small talk things in addition to the actual sale. Kids, hobbies, football games, etc. According to some people, the mere fact that I mentioned ANYTHING other than the topic of the sale would be inappropriate. I think that is stupid, but that is their boundary. I don't think you would qualify as one of those types, but you have been around long enough to know that unfortunately many guys think that the teeniest and most innocuous thing a woman says to a guy means to him that you are accepting of him sexually....I know, it's crazy, but you would be shocked at how many think this way... TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 I don't think you would qualify as one of those types, but you have been around long enough to know that unfortunately many guys think that the teeniest and most innocuous thing a woman says to a guy means to him that you are accepting of him sexually....I know, it's crazy, but you would be shocked at how many think this way... TFY Oh I know. And women can be that way too. When the intent is innocent, I view this much like I view clothing modesty. If I go out in a leather micromini skirt and halter top with no bra and stillettos, I cannot with a straight face say I am not TRYING to garner attention, and I cannot blame a man when he.....notices. I mean let's get real - none of the attire I just mentioned is comfortable, so no woman wears it because "it's comfortable." However, if I wear a nice business skirt and blouse and a pair of pumps (like I have on today)....then if a man gets all "lusty"...that's on him. He needs to control himself lol 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 I'll only say this, and I don't know how or why this "switch" flips with women once they reach or exceed the age of.....like 40 or so.,.. They become WAY more flirty and use sexual innuendo FAR more often and with reckless abandon than their younger counterparts... Its CraZy.... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 (edited) See...I believe I do not cross that line. But some people's red line is basically right next to breathing in a person's direction. I used to work in sales. I chatted with people about small talk things in addition to the actual sale. Kids, hobbies, football games, etc. According to some people, the mere fact that I mentioned ANYTHING other than the topic of the sale would be inappropriate. I think that is stupid, but that is their boundary. Yes there are men who think that if their girlfriends do not wear turtlenecks they are crossing that line. I choose to just avoid these types of people. I don't consider them the norm at all Edited September 6, 2017 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
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