Can a MM post here?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by Marie1973

 

1. Is it possible for a man to be married & be in love with another women?

 

2. If that is true then why won't my MM leave?

 

3. He says that he just exists in his marriage & that i am the love of his life.

 

4. I don't get it. If he loved me like he said he does, wouldn't he leave??

 

1. Yes, but its different types of love. Each strong, but mutually exclusive of the other. Each one represents gains - and losses. The one that represents the least amount to lose will be the one that is cut loose when push comes to shove. I don't expect it is a decision that is easily made - in fact, MM will infinitely delay the process so that he can continue to enjoy the benefits of both. If he gives up OW, it won't be long before he starts longing for another one.

 

2. Because the love he has for you is not the same as the love he has with the W. He stands to lose more by leaving his marriage - stuff that he doesn't want to lose, despite what he may tell you. It may not be what most people would consider 'happiness' but it is an existence for him: a legacy, a shared history, children, etc. It is a part of his identity.

 

3. The key word here is 'exists'. The marriage apparently is a part of who he is, and it represents things in his life he doesn't want to do without. I expect if he were truly unhappy, and didn't care about losing anything in the marriage he would leave it. People leave unhappy marriages all the time. They don't leave ones that they on some level want to maintain. He is missing enough in it for him to look for an OW, but not quite missing enough for him to want to leave it. Puts the OW in a horrible position.

 

4. He does love you, but he does not want to leave his marriage. Again, puts you in a very bad position. It gives you little choice but to be a HOW or an UOW - but either way, it will always be 'OW' as long as he still has a need for his W and his marriage. You fill his OW needs. His W fills his W and marriage needs. Neither of you can replace the other - and he needs you both. So, stay with the cakeman or leave him. There isn't much of a choice in the matter.

[MySugaree]

Is it possible for a man to be married & be in love with another women?

 

These boards are a testament to that. It happens all the time--to married men and married women alike. As long as marriage exists so will adultery.

 

 

If that is true then why won't my MM leave?

 

Because the OP and spouse each satisfy different needs. The spouse provides rootedness, a sense of home and family identity. The OP provides great sex, ecstatic rapture and hormonal highs that must be experienced to be believed. It's Hearth vs. Hormones. Hormones prevail over the short run, and the marriage prevails over the long run.

 

He says that he just exists in his marriage & that i am the love of his life.

 

Marriage is a safe place where comfort, routine and stability reign. A marriage is lived as every day life. An Affair is where hyperdrive sexual stimulation and an erotic melding of selves takes place. An affair is experienced in short fantasy bursts of passion, desire and play. It's nice to have both.

 

I don't get it. If he loved me like he said he does, wouldn't he leave??

 

Because the MM or MW can have her cake and eat it to: She can be a dutiful and loving wife and mother and a great fu#k. Her marital doldrums are tolerable precisely because the OP is lighting up her love life. An affair is often a marital bandaid. But the bandaid almost always comes off, and the exposed wound is gaping.

[whichwayisup]

2. If that is true then why won't my MM leave?

 

Because the risk is too much. The change is too much. To give up his life, his family, his friends, his inlaws, his way of living, his neighbours...That is too much so maybe it's easier to live as he is now. And then have an OW to keep him happy.

 

Selfish? Yes, ofcourse. Wouldn't it be a wonderful world if everybody had that...No pain, no guilt, no worry of hurting somebody at the expensive of selfishness and what he/she wants. To have your cake and eat it too. Have fun with somebody then go home to your partner. ...

 

Life doesn't work that way though.

 

So at the end of the day, the MM or MW will not give up what they know to something that for sure isn't a safe bet. That is what I think, could be wrong though.

 

Marie, please try to put this MM out of your head and life - Atleast for a little while. The writing has been on the wall for a very long time, and honestly, I think no good will ever come of this situation. He likes it the way it is and prob. won't ever leave. I hope a year from now you aren't still waiting for him to decide.

[Marie1973]

Wow, Luz & Sugar

what great posts.

You guys are absolutely right.

 

Wow, how the hell did i get myself in this mess.

 

No i won't be waiting a year from now, which!!

[MySugaree]

Wow, how the hell did i get myself in this mess.

 

You're a human being with the capacity to love and be loved.

 

That's why.

 

Welcome to the Club.

[Good&BadGuy]

Newbby how long did you not have contact before trying to be friends? I guess I'm hoping for a happy ending like that but I'm 99.9% know that is probably not going to happen.

 

ww sorry for making you sick. While I'm to blame for a majority of this, I never played games or made her think I was willing to leave my wife for her. She knew my situation and feelings long before she initiated things, then we both made the mistake. I should have been stronger, I'm trying to be strong and let her go now.

 

Newbby you are right about it being hard to end something when feelings are still there, and when you say the MM has to end it. I so many times wished she would just dump my a$$ and find someone to give her all the good things and none of the negative sides I do. I can't believe she still wants to have anything to do with me.

 

It is hard, but posting here helps. I worry that she will think I used her and don't have feelings for her like others in this forum feel when their MM does not contact them anymore. It seems cold and I shouldn't worry about it but the only reason I am is cause I do have feelings for her and don't want her to be upset anymore.

[ww]

You don`t make me sick.

But decide what you want and go for it.

 

Do you know what I couldn` stand about my ex MM.

He played this game u r playing to her : a YO-YO ( go away-comeback-goaway-comeback )

Keep on this way and you will lose both of them.

 

BE A MAN

[izzybelle]

G&BG,

 

the majority of the time i post here, i post about an MM i was involved with last year. i had a very brief, just a few months, encounter with an MM before that. he never led me to believe that he would leave his W for me. i knew his marriage was in trouble, and years later, still is ... actually more so.

 

it ended and it took awhile, but i do believe that we are now able to be friends. we see each other out socially, and i no longer sense any uneasiness from either of us about being in those situations. we are able to talk about just about anything. and ironically, with his latest mess of his marriage, i was actually trying to encourage him to do what he could to try to save it. although we haven't discussed it, because it's not necessary, i think we both know that there is no way we will be together again as anything other than friends. but that has to be a realization on both parts. and at the beginning it's hard, very hard. old habits are too easy to fall back into sometimes.

 

many will tell you that it's not possible to be friends with and exOW but it is. but it takes a committment on both parts for that to happen. it may be rare, but it can happen.

 

izzy

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by Good&BadGuy

Newbby how long did you not have contact before trying to be friends? I guess I'm hoping for a happy ending like that but I'm 99.9% know that is probably not going to happen.

 

ww sorry for making you sick. While I'm to blame for a majority of this, I never played games or made her think I was willing to leave my wife for her. She knew my situation and feelings long before she initiated things, then we both made the mistake. I should have been stronger, I'm trying to be strong and let her go now.

 

Newbby you are right about it being hard to end something when feelings are still there, and when you say the MM has to end it. I so many times wished she would just dump my a$$ and find someone to give her all the good things and none of the negative sides I do. I can't believe she still wants to have anything to do with me.

 

It is hard, but posting here helps. I worry that she will think I used her and don't have feelings for her like others in this forum feel when their MM does not contact them anymore. It seems cold and I shouldn't worry about it but the only reason I am is cause I do have feelings for her and don't want her to be upset anymore.

 

It's nice that you do care for her feelings, but I think your wife's feelings are much important than OW. When you end (?) be honest with her, tell her she DID mean something to you, but it cannot happen. End it on a good note, there is no need for it to go sour. That it wasn't a game. Get the closure you both need and move on. Once that happens there is no reason to open up that can of worms again.

 

Think of it like a death (yes, that may sound morbid...) and grieve it like that.

[newbby]

i dont think the wifes feelings are any more important that the ow's. thats a crazy thing to say. why are one persons feelings more important than anothers in any situation?

g&bg,

i wouldnt call it a happy ending, not for me anyway. it totally cuts me up that he is fairly cold to me at times, such as today when i was talking to him, a conversation that i initiated, i said goodbye when he was going and he didnt even say goodbye just left.

whereas before i would know that kind of thing was a game and i could respond in kind, now i know that it is no longer a love tactic, i am simply not all that important to him now. the friendship is only surviving because i am making it so, although he does do the odd thing here and there.

i wanted a friendship because i really didnt want to lose him completely.

now after todays conversation, i am beginning to realise that i just dont serve him any purpose now and to be honest i am not feeling all that great. will probably just go back to n.c, right now.

i am angry, in case you hadnt noticed.

it seems like you have alot more feelings for your ow than my mm did for me.

if you just dont make her feel that she was used and the best way to do that is by telling her that, being honest about it and about your feelings for her.

you say you never decieved her and were honest from the start, and i believe that you believe this to be true. however, imagine that you are single and you fall in love with someone and they fall in love with you, there should then follow a natural progression to a relationship, a commitment.

it is what we all expect, isnt it?

because somebody is married, doesnt make it any different for the single person, really. you can repeat over and over that you are married and therefore committed to your wife, but if your actions are stating otherwise, i.e, that you are not all that committed as you are pursuing a relationship with her (friend) then it doesnt really matter what you say.

i hope this makes sense.

[Good&BadGuy]

Newbby You make total sense, you are an insightful woman! I didn't play games or tell her my marriage or wife was bad or that I wanted to leave it. (As strange as it may seem my marriage was never better and my love for my W grew????)

 

But you are right it got to that point where normal relationships progress to a commitment and we couldn't. I think the worst thing I ever did was tell her I loved her because there was nothing that could come of it. I DID and DO, but once I said it, that's a huge and powerful thing and to have that love but not be able to get 100% of it or give 100% of it becomes a disaster.

 

I was always kind and sweet to her I just could never give her as much of me as she ultimately wanted (she never asked for me to leave my w or anything about her or my family ever, even if something was accidently brought up she would get upset).

 

She then started to get upset with me over the things I thought were unfair. Now after seeing the views here and trying to see through her eyes the problems I caused. Vacations or days off were the worst for us, she would get furious with me. Then I would stress out anytime I had something planned and how to tell her and when cause I knew it upset her. Then If I didn't call one day it was bad then if I didn't call for a few hours it was bad. She really changed alot and I realized it was my fault not hers, I never got mad at her for feeling that way cause I knew it was me and the situation causing it.

 

I think the no contact thing is going ok for her? She was getting tired of all the bad feelings too. I have told her all the things I have said here I just hope she believes me and I think she does it just seems women in these situations always have that underlying doubt whether their MM is full of crap or not, which is the MM's fault.

 

WWIU I do seem more focused on my friend than my W only because that is what this forum is about.

 

ww I am trying to be a man and admit I haven't been much of one, I don't feel I'm doing the going away coming back thing but it's been more of a mutual cycle, she says she's happier with me than without which i feel too. I'm staying away cause I've realized she can't ever be truly happy unless it's over.

 

izzy - I hope I can get to the point that you and your ex mm are at. I really feel and hope we can, I really care for her and she is special, I just don't want to cause her any more problems and if that means no friendship that's what we'll have to live with it.

[Marie1973]

how about me, good guy?

 

u could read my post:

 

either

 

Last chance to leave in July

 

The verdict is in

or

 

after the broken deadline

 

i would love to hear what u had to say

[newbby]

As strange as it may seem my marriage was never better and my love for my W grew????)

 

doesnt sound strange, i often think my relationship with mm saved his marriage too.

do you know why this is? perhaps because you are not looking for your wife to provide all of your needs and so you are more satisfied with what she does provide?

however, once the relationship with ow is completely over, i wonder do the old problems come back? it is interesting because you have got used to having both of them, what do you think you would do if you felt the need for another woman again?

[lynnered]

Originally posted by Marie1973

how about me, good guy?

 

u could read my post:

 

either

 

Last chance to leave in July

 

The verdict is in

or

 

after the broken deadline

 

i would love to hear what u had to say

\yeah

u forgot me too!!!

[lynnered]

"She then started to get upset with me over the things I thought were unfair. Now after seeing the views here and trying to see through her eyes the problems I caused. Vacations or days off were the worst for us, she would get furious with me. Then I would stress out anytime I had something planned and how to tell her and when cause I knew it upset her. Then If I didn't call one day it was bad then if I didn't call for a few hours it was bad. She really changed alot and I realized it was my fault not hers, I never got mad at her for feeling that way cause I knew it was me and the situation causing it."

this sounds so much like me &MM!!

the changeing

it was carefree at 1st

i worked 2 jobs so i didnt have alot of time to think

he did tell me up front the day A began hes not happy at home ,but he made the mistakes &he was accountable

then i guess time flew & i loved him from the start ,he cared but (he says )he didnt mean 2 fall in love we didnt go into to this planning

didnt even plan to have A

then things started to bother me then i started the NC

he would always call or run into me somehow & restart things

he differs from u with hes not happy ,doesnt love her but a little one and a fear of change keep him there

anyway on the anger on her part if its like it was with me will only get worst ,

and u like him will be understanding ,

but if u keep going u will wear down more & more as will she

i know he loves me but ,i think i typed u this before not sure ,

i would rather him walk out of my life for good if thats how he feels then to keep this going

this is something he has said he never cheated before &we just clicked how many times has he said if only we met sooner?

i dont think ur a bad guy ,

i dont think he is i have issues with him cause i know he wants to go ,but is wasting my time

but at the same time if i wasnt what he wanted i want him to be happy &i would prefer he let me go

and the NC for me i usually miss him bad 1st week or 2 then im ok ,then he gets in touch

i hope u search deep inside and find the right answer for u ,

u seem 2 be considerate of her feelings,

but she deserves someone to take her out ,vactions,days off they are the worst for OW

good luck keep posting

[Good&BadGuy]

Marie, Lynnered sorry about that I have been a little overwhelmed with all the responses and great advice and support.

 

Marie I think the answers you got were far better then I can try to give you I will look at your other post and try to give my thoughts. I do think you can love 2 I do. You can’t marry 2 and aren’t suppose to be with 2 at the same time. I never wanted to leave my W and I don’t want to be unfaithful to her anymore. I would say for most mm it is almost impossible to leave there W because of all the legalities the negative image all of the people friends and family involved it makes it hard and if there are kids even tougher. They dream about being with the OW 100% but that is it.? There are also a lot of mm that do get the D and are with there OW it’s just that those ladies obviously don’t need to post here it is the W’s who were left that are posting.

 

Lynnered, our situations seem very similar. We have fallen in love with you and hurt you and hurting you is the last thing we want to do and hate that we have the negative affect on you. I saw that it was tearing my friend apart and was selfish for awhile and continued the good and bad cycle. Then I realized I was going to be the one that had to stop it. It was for me too I could not take the guilt of hurting both and the thought of losing my family was terrible. Our difference is she kept coming back to me and saying she needs and wants me which I fall for because I want her too. I’m new to all this stuff so I would be happy to do the pm thing but not sure how that works.

 

The problems at home questions I have thought about throughout this and I’m not sure I don’t really have any, I mean just normal stuff and craziness with the kids but it’s good and happy and loving. I think it is more that my friend is so amazing and we are amazing together, the same way I feel about my W really. I never compare the two but they are similar in many ways.

[erika2610]

Originally posted by ww

Look pal, let go of that lady ok?

If you decided to stay with your wife .Than just walk away and don` even try to look back.

 

 

I don`t know about the rest of you, but i am certainly sick of these MR.IAMNOTSURE losers

Decide and do.

ok?

 

I don't think that helps very much

[newbby]

i find it interesting that you say you never compare the two.

[MySugaree]

i find it interesting that you say you never compare the two.

 

As an ex-MM, in every sense, I can say with 100% certainty that one does compare the OP to one's spouse. It doesn't have to be a laundry list of attributes, but the comparative process, in some rough sense, does take place. And 9 times out of 10, the betrayed spouse doesn't stand a chance.

 

Being a betrayed spouse is humiliating on many different levels.

 

The damage we do in love's name.

[newbby]

As an ex-MM, in every sense, I can say with 100% certainty that one does compare the OP to one's spouse. It doesn't have to be a laundry list of attributes, but the comparative process, in some rough sense, does take place. And 9 times out of 10, the betrayed spouse doesn't stand a chance.

 

until the novelty wears off, or the a is discovered, and then the ow doesnt stand a chance.

[MySugaree]

until the novelty wears off, or the a is discovered, and then the ow doesnt stand a chance.

 

Good point.

[newbby]

its so awful to be stuck in a situation, you know you dont stand a chance in, and yet, even with this knowledge, its sooo hard to get out. why????? it makes no sense.

[Neptune]

Just some thoughts from someone way on the sidelines. Reading all this sounds like someone with an addiction problem. May I suggest for you to start some study of addictive personalities and also the 12 step program in AA. It may be good to just look at it all from a different perspective. I know the first thing is to admit you have a problem and then it goes from there. Many drug addicted people go through this sort of emotional roller coaster too.

[Neptune]

Just to clarify. I am not saying you have a problem with substance abuse. I am saying your affair has the hallmarks of addictive behaviour.

[newbby]

neptune, are you addressing this to me?

if so, i understand what you are saying, it is highly addictive. nc, is cold turkey, and its what i have been trying to put off. i know i have to do it. the fear is, to be left with nothing. even when i think about nc, i think about it with a view to him being sorry at some point and missing me at some point. i cannot seem to help this thought, it is too painful to just say, that is it. i think, because the rest of my life is not as i want it to be, it makes it so hard. i have hung my happiness on this relationship without meaning to, and i am terrified to just let go. the rest of my life is something that i work on alot, but it is far from ideal, and will take alot of work, which i am doing but am acutely aware of the fact that it will take a long time of dedication with little in the way of rewards.

i am aware g&bg that i have hijacked your post, sorry