LDR Questions

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Hello,

 

While doing an internship abroad before my senior year of college [22F] I met my current boyfriend [23M]. We met in the neighborhood my host family lives in and went on two weekend trips together and went on several dates the month before I left. He said "I love you" rather quickly and wanted to be exclusive. He recently mentioned wanting to "grow together" and made it clear he wants to marry me and start a family. He is doing government-required service right now and won't be applying to graduate programs in the US for at least a year, which was his original plan before meeting me.

 

I like him. I really do...yet I feel so weird about having a relationship that is only a little bit over a month old, on different continents, especially considering he will not even be applying for a student visa for over a year. Is this stigma around premature relationships, or am I correct? Furthermore, should I be worried about his quickly professing love? He did talk about his ex on the first date, which, though he claims he is over her, had me worried. I am too attached to break up without it feeling difficult to, yet not as attached as I should be. Then again, we have only been dating a month. Thanks for your input.

[NexttP]

I personally don't feel early confession is wrong, if the person is genuine. The problem is that very few people are genuine. So here is how you can tell, physical affection. Typically those who profess love quickly just want sex, don't give it to them. If he really loves you, make him prove it with patience (cliche, but that's the way to do it).

 

If you already had sex, don't have sex with him anymore until he can commit (like actually entering US). Okay, so that means you have to wait too. But if he isn't serious you will know in less than a month. You can totally wait a month.

 

So let's say you met a guy who was super attractive (attractive to you, that is) and you found him extremely compatible, basically he has all the qualities that you are looking for. Then, he doesn't invade your space and lets you go at your own pace (genuinely), you'd fall in love with him pretty quickly right? So professing love early is not wrong. But many use that as a tactic to get something quick (usually sex, or money). Don't let this guy guilt or trick you into doing anything you feel uneasy about.

 

As for talking about ex, it depends on what his past is like. Let's pretend his ex was his only relationship. Since he's 23, if he has been with his ex for the last 4 years, that's basically his entire adult life. Take out all things regarding his ex and he'd probably be left with very little (if it was a proper relationship).

[d0nnivain]

At the very least, distract yourself with this LDR flirtation while you are getting over your local EX: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/634170-yes-i-m-dumb-my-fault

[central]

I've had a few LDRs, and they are difficult, to say the least. IMO, you need a firm, realistic plan to live in the same location (at least within an hour of each other) within 9 to 18 months tops, otherwise, just find someone else to date. If you later reconnect, great!

 

 

The only other way I'd have a LDR that does not have a firm, less than 18 month timeframe to co-locate, is to make the LDR an open relationship LDR. Otherwise, the temptation to cheat or meet other people during that time is a serious risk, so you may as well agree to non-exclusivity until you can be together. This way, you may meet someone as/more suitable, but if not, you suffer the separation less, and still can choose to be together eventually if you still feel each other is the best match for you.

[devilish innocent]

Seeing as my husband and I started our relationship as a long-distance relationship, I obviously believe they can sometimes work. That doesn't mean that they are always worth it. They are a lot of work. Here are some things I think are worth considering when starting a long-distance relationship:

 

1. Are you a homebody who like staying home and talking to people on the phone or on-line, or are you the sort of person who need to see people face to face? If it's the first, then you might not mind taking your time getting to know somebody on-line. If it's the second, then you might feel like you've wasted your time.

 

2. How often will you be able to visit each other? Even if you're the sort of person who is happy with the phone and the internet, it will be hard to maintain a relationship if you can't see each other in person from time to time.

 

3. Is there something you've found in each other that you aren't able to find locally? If it's just the same connection you've had with many other guys you've dated, then it may be easy to replace him with someone new. If you can genuinely say there's something that stands out about him which you're not likely to find elsewhere, then he could be worth the sacrifice of a long-distance relationship.

 

4. Are you able to verify that he's honest and trustworthy? Meeting his friends and family can help with that. Otherwise, until you've spent more time getting to know him, you can't be sure he isn't seeing somebody else.