Yes, I'm dumb and it was my fault.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

I'm asking everyone not to be harsh and to just listen. I know I was dumb, and this wasn't really technically a break up because we were never officially together. It feels like one, though.

 

I am here to share a recent horrible experience I had with a fellow undergraduate colleague of mine. We are both 22 and are seniors at our college. I was the one to initiate first contact. He, of course, initiated the sex. Everything else balanced out equally. We spent a year in a tumultuous situationship that was never a real relationship, but might as well have been. Valentine's Day presents. I love yous. Him singing love songs to me and taking care of me when needed. Sharing our fears, sentiments, aspirations. Spending time together every day. Everyone thought we were together, on the outside. And we were exclusive for a bit, and had an understanding we weren't messing with other people besides each other.

 

But I'll be honest: I was dumb. He told me he wasn't over his ex from freshman year and therefore couldn't be in a real relationship, but still wanted to keep going with me, and I desperately settled for crumbs. As things progressed and he got more and more intimate, I thought we were getting closer to something real. No. He was just sexually interested in me, and used me emotionally when necessary.

 

Well, we stopped hooking up. I became his "best friend" and I started dating other people. We were still talking every day. This summer, however, he called me "mentally and emotionally draining" and said he was "just tired of [me]". I guess he had felt this way all along, and someone better to have sex with came along. He told me I was all these things and then blocked me. I go to the dining hall on the first night back and who is he there with? His ex. The one who ignored him for an entire year. And to me, not a word. This is what he said, and what I should have expected. I was only a rebound.

 

I'm more mad at myself than him. How could I do this to myself? They were even in an on-and-off relationship before--shouldn't I have not been blinded? My best friends warned me, my mom warned me. I have to see him in a class that's required of me this semester and I honestly feel like I'm drowning in absolute resentment. But the worst part for me is just the knowing it could have all been avoided. I vow never to initiate contact with a man again, to try to wait for a man to change, and most importantly, vow to love myself enough to suffer through being alone than in something that isn't real.

 

Thanks for listening, everyone.

[bummer]

I was the one to initiate first contact. He, of course, initiated the sex.

 

Ha!^

 

Thanks for sharing. I read your original FWB post and it's heartbreaking to see how it ended. I would not say you were dumb. Was the experience, on net, filled with sufficient positive experiences that you don't fully regret it? Even if it wasn't a real relationship and was emotionally deceptive, were there meaningful parts of it you can pull forward into future relationships?

 

My fear is that you are now left jaded and hurt. I hope you have clear boundaries now, but are not afraid to explore again with an open heart just because some college idiot decided to have his cake and eat it too.

 

It's good to resent him and his actions. It's not cool if you resent yourself for being a college student once while learning that men are pigs.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Ha!^

 

Thanks for sharing. I read your original FWB post and it's heartbreaking to see how it ended. I would not say you were dumb. Was the experience, on net, filled with sufficient positive experiences that you don't fully regret it? Even if it wasn't a real relationship and was emotionally deceptive, were there meaningful parts of it you can pull forward into future relationships?

 

My fear is that you are now left jaded and hurt. I hope you have clear boundaries now, but are not afraid to explore again with an open heart just because some college idiot decided to have his cake and eat it too.

 

It's good to resent him and his actions. It's not cool if you resent yourself for being a college student once while learning that men are pigs.

 

Thank you so much bummer. I appreciate your reading my original post as well. I also appreciate you not thinking I'm dumb.

 

I wish this experience was filled with something good, but I don't see any positivity in it at all. I've had two actual relationships before him and I feel I learned from those, but from this one, all I really learned was not to trust men. I am so jaded it's painful. I've had this about-to-cry feeling in my chest ever since I saw he was in my class 3 times a week I also feel violated, because while I did give sexual consent, I wish I never had. I never mentioned this, but he would always ask me to take the condom off halfway through sex, and feeling intimidated and unsure of what to say, I would. I'm sure now he was lying about not hooking up with anyone else. Anyway, I'm in a LDR with someone I met abroad during the summer and I want to just break it off now because I'm angry at myself in investing at all in people. It also makes me think of my patterns. There are three guys I've hooked up with at this college during my last 3 years going here, and all of them, when I made it clear I wanted something more serious, wrote me off and only wanted to hook up, and then eventually ended up ditching me. Even my first actual boyfriend who I didn't meet in college wanted to be FWB for 9 months before we dated for 1 1/4 years, and then my other real relationship had been with a girl...which I can't even count because it lasted so few months. So guys have always only wanted to hook up with me and not date me. I don't know why I give this aura of "Hey, disrespect me and then leave!" but that's really how it feels. There must be something I'm doing wrong. I'm done with dating sites, I'm done approaching guys at my school. I'm just sick of being used for sex.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Also, I feel like the positive experiences were all just lies.

[d0nnivain]

What about the guy you met while you were studying abroad? Where does he fit into this?

[nothingsintheflowerz]

What about the guy you met while you were studying abroad? Where does he fit into this?

 

I feel terrible because I'm paranoid about whether or not his intentions are good and real. I guess he is the first guy who has ever just immediately wanted a commitment with me. He actually said "I love you" and talked about getting married and having a family already, as well, and unlike in my previous relationships, he has been the sole chaser. He approached me first, he texts me first. He really is fine for the most part, only thing I didn't like that he did was talk about his ex on the first date. There was also an issue where I felt I was paying for more things than he was. I think we've mostly worked that out but I won't really know how things really are until he comes here (hopefully in the next year, fingers crossed). He is in Ghana and I am in the US. We met like July 28th and then went out on my birthday a few days later and then went from there. At first I didn't like him as much and wanted it to be a summer fling. Then I noticed how caring, sweet, and funny he was and decided I liked him enough to continue. We tell each other we love each other...him because he apparently loves me, me because I have enough affection towards him to say it and feel weird not saying it back. My former friend/FWB doesn't know about this and I haven't told him; we stopped talking for good around the time I met him. I did, however, last night tell my boyfriend why I was sad (he noticed I was down while talking on the phone) and told him I feel betrayed and mad at myself by a situation with a guy that went back to his ex. I emphasized I'm over the guy, just not over the situation. He was freakishly understanding about it and told me he loves me and that he wants me not to think too much about it, and made sure I was still eating. He also told me he'd give me space if I needed it (I asked him). But now I am not sure if I want space and don't trust my boyfriend because it is founded, or just because I am hurting about my past relationships and my former FWB. I'm admittedly putting him through a lot now not believing his intentions and I know that he doesn't deserve my baggage, but it's hard. I don't know what to do. This is actually a situation I could use some advice on.

[d0nnivain]

Forget about the local guy. Flirt with the long distance guy knowing nothing will come of it; the immigration issues are probably insurmountable. When you find somebody local, end things with the long distance guy

[stillafool]

I'm asking everyone not to be harsh and to just listen. I know I was dumb, and this wasn't really technically a break up because we were never officially together. It feels like one, though.

 

I am here to share a recent horrible experience I had with a fellow undergraduate colleague of mine. We are both 22 and are seniors at our college. I was the one to initiate first contact. He, of course, initiated the sex. Everything else balanced out equally. We spent a year in a tumultuous situationship that was never a real relationship, but might as well have been. Valentine's Day presents. I love yous. Him singing love songs to me and taking care of me when needed. Sharing our fears, sentiments, aspirations. Spending time together every day. Everyone thought we were together, on the outside. And we were exclusive for a bit, and had an understanding we weren't messing with other people besides each other.

 

But I'll be honest: I was dumb. He told me he wasn't over his ex from freshman year and therefore couldn't be in a real relationship, but still wanted to keep going with me, and I desperately settled for crumbs. As things progressed and he got more and more intimate, I thought we were getting closer to something real. No. He was just sexually interested in me, and used me emotionally when necessary.

 

Well, we stopped hooking up. I became his "best friend" and I started dating other people. We were still talking every day. This summer, however, he called me "mentally and emotionally draining" and said he was "just tired of [me]". I guess he had felt this way all along, and someone better to have sex with came along. He told me I was all these things and then blocked me. I go to the dining hall on the first night back and who is he there with? His ex. The one who ignored him for an entire year. And to me, not a word. This is what he said, and what I should have expected. I was only a rebound.

 

I'm more mad at myself than him. How could I do this to myself? They were even in an on-and-off relationship before--shouldn't I have not been blinded? My best friends warned me, my mom warned me. I have to see him in a class that's required of me this semester and I honestly feel like I'm drowning in absolute resentment. But the worst part for me is just the knowing it could have all been avoided. I vow never to initiate contact with a man again, to try to wait for a man to change, and most importantly, vow to love myself enough to suffer through being alone than in something that isn't real.

 

Thanks for listening, everyone.

 

Well at least you know better now. Nothing teaches us like experience and when you know better you do better.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

I am starting to feel a little better, feel a little less upset about the situation, and the better I feel, the more I trust my current boyfriend. Maybe it's just in my head. I don't know.

[d0nnivain]

I am starting to feel a little better, feel a little less upset about the situation, and the better I feel, the more I trust my current boyfriend. Maybe it's just in my head. I don't know.

 

Wait, which one is your current BF?

 

You said your FWB / local guy was back with his EX

 

Are you calling the LDR guy your BF?

 

Is there a 3rd guy?

 

I'm really confused.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Forget about the local guy. Flirt with the long distance guy knowing nothing will come of it; the immigration issues are probably insurmountable. When you find somebody local, end things with the long distance guy

 

Knowing nothing will come out of it? Should I break up with him? This has become more than just a "flirting" situation; we're exclusive, so I'm not exactly looking for anyone else. The plan was that he would come here to do his MA in NY (he has family there to stay with) and then after his student visa was up, we would consider where we want to take our relationship (he wanted to come here on a student visa anyway). Not sure how realistic that is.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Wait, which one is your current BF?

 

You said your FWB / local guy was back with his EX

 

Are you calling the LDR guy your BF?

 

Is there a 3rd guy?

 

I'm really confused.

 

Yes, I'm calling the LDR guy my boyfriend. We're exclusive :-/

[d0nnivain]

With the current political maelstrom that is immigration policy in the US, I'm not sure I'd get involved, but that's me.

 

If he's your BF & you know that he'll be trying to close the gap by getting a student visa continue as you are. Date conventionally while he's here & then see what develops.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Yeah, I don't blame you. I'm expecting the worst, hoping for the best.

 

I think my main issue is that I'm not used to being treated nicely like this, so I'm kind of pushing him away...but we'll see what happens. I'm definitely irrational right now because I'm still hurt about my former FWB so time will tell how things pan out.

[bummer]

At first I didn't like him as much and wanted it to be a summer fling...

 

I think my main issue is that I'm not used to being treated nicely like this, so I'm kind of pushing him away....

 

Ahh how the cycle continues! My ex used to brow beat me about how she was always cheated on, then she cheated on me! We are doomed subconsciously to act out the bad behaviors we experience. You wanted a FWB and now it's evolved. Add on top of that mess that you are upset about an ex!. Sound familiar? Make sure you know where healthy boundaries really are. Not where your ex FWBs left them with you.

 

All that said, I lived and worked in Ghana for a few years and find Ghanaians to be some of the purest souls I've met. I have no doubt his intentions are legit and he does care for you deeply. Be honest about the LDR game with yourself.