Jealous of lesbian friend

[arunaradhika]

I've known my boyfriend for about a year, but we have been official for 4 months. I recently found out about a female friend of his, because he met her to have lunch while I was at work. I'm perfectly fine with him having female friends and hanging out with them, but when I asked him about her I discovered they text each other everyday, they use pet names, say "I love you" and send good morning/good night/how's your day messages. She's very pretty. They've been friends for a few years but she recently opened up to him about being a lesbian (about 3 months ago) He's very open and we have, in general, a very healthy relationship, he's really sweet and we love each other very much, but for some reason this is making me really uncomfortable. I've told him about this but he says she's only a friend and that he sees her as a little man (he's very affectionate with his male friends also)

 

Please help! I dont want to be the crazy jealous gf but Im having a hard time dealing with the intensity of their friendship.

[somanymistakes]

I guess the first step is to try and examine why you feel the way you do.

 

Obviously they're very close, and a lot of people would feel extremely threatened if not for the fact that she's a lesbian. Of course, some people would feel extremely threatened even if she were a guy, because they don't think their partners should be that close to ANYONE else other than them.

 

Would you feel this way if she were a guy, or if she were someone you didn't consider to be pretty?

 

Do you feel like he's trying to keep her secret from you? Have you met her?

 

Do you think he's attracted to her and lying to you about it? Do you think he's attracted to her and not aware of it? Did he try to get with her in the past, before she came out?

 

Would you be happy if they dropped the word 'love' but still talked to each other daily? Would you be happy if they talked to each other every day? Is there anything that would make you actually feel good about this, or do you think it would always bug you?

 

Play with some scenarios in your head and it may help you identify more what aspects are bothering you.

[skywriter]

I've known my boyfriend for about a year, but we have been official for 4 months. I recently found out about a female friend of his, because he met her to have lunch while I was at work. I'm perfectly fine with him having female friends and hanging out with them, but when I asked him about her I discovered they text each other everyday, they use pet names, say "I love you" and send good morning/good night/how's your day messages. She's very pretty. They've been friends for a few years but she recently opened up to him about being a lesbian (about 3 months ago) He's very open and we have, in general, a very healthy relationship, he's really sweet and we love each other very much, but for some reason this is making me really uncomfortable. I've told him about this but he says she's only a friend and that he sees her as a little man (he's very affectionate with his male friends also)

 

Please help! I dont want to be the crazy jealous gf but Im having a hard time dealing with the intensity of their friendship.

 

I agree with what somanymistakes posted, and would add the question, how

would your boyfriend feel about you having a male friend who did all the things that you've posted, that he's doing with this woman. Lesbian or otherwise, there are boundaries and intimacies that are shared between you and your boyfriend, only.However, this is just my opinion. If you were comfortable with this, I don't know that you would feel inclined to ask others opinion. I wouldn't be comfortable with it. I'd be wondering why do I have this boyfriend that shares, "I love you's",with this outsider. and he has to share good nights with, etc. It just sounds very odd to me.

[stillafool]

Is she a feminine lesbian? I'm sorry but if she is a feminine lesbian and pretty more than likely he has had sexual thoughts about her. Most men find a pretty woman who is not having sex with other man very attractive regardless of what they tell you.

[whichwayisup]

You just need to get to know her. Instead of feeling intimidated by their friendship, have faith that there's nothing going on between them and trust him.

[arunaradhika]

I guess the first step is to try and examine why you feel the way you do.

 

Obviously they're very close, and a lot of people would feel extremely threatened if not for the fact that she's a lesbian. Of course, some people would feel extremely threatened even if she were a guy, because they don't think their partners should be that close to ANYONE else other than them.

 

Would you feel this way if she were a guy, or if she were someone you didn't consider to be pretty?

 

Do you feel like he's trying to keep her secret from you? Have you met her?

 

Do you think he's attracted to her and lying to you about it? Do you think he's attracted to her and not aware of it? Did he try to get with her in the past, before she came out?

 

Would you be happy if they dropped the word 'love' but still talked to each other daily? Would you be happy if they talked to each other every day? Is there anything that would make you actually feel good about this, or do you think it would always bug you?

 

Play with some scenarios in your head and it may help you identify more what aspects are bothering you.

 

 

Thank you so much for your reply! I guess it's the fact that he talks to a pretty girl in an affectionate way on a daily basis whats bugging me the most. He talks to some of his male friends regularly but this doesnt bother me at all. I've had very bad experiences with cheating and deceiving boyfriends in the past which has caused some insecurities (he's aware of this and he's very understanding, I try my best not to make him feel guilty about my insecurities)

 

I asked them if they have any history together or if he has been attracted to her in the past and he said no, they've only been good friends.

 

I dont think he's trying to keep her a secret, he's very open. I havent met her but she's aware of my existance.

[skywriter]

In your original post, you mention that she's pretty, again, my thoughts are going to boundaries, regardless of attractiveness.

 

I keep thinking, what's the use of having an exclusive relationship with someone who shares these intimacies freely with another person, regardless of her preference. How about your preference?

 

What do you want? I've never been a very jealous person and if I feel insecure, I am not one to hold back, I'll tell you, this ain't cool with me. I do keep in mind that there are all kinds of relationships though, and what I won't tolerate, another may be fine with.

 

I also consider that this lesbian friend should also respect your relationship and tone it down, not be texting good mornings, good nights, I love you's.

 

 

Please help! I dont want to be the crazy jealous gf but Im having a hard time dealing with the intensity of their friendship.

This is what I notice you stating in your op, and this makes me ask about your preference in this girl texting your boyfriend. I am inclined to believe it isn't insecurities on your part, so much as boundaries and respect from the both of them.

Edited September 7, 2017 by skywriter

[arunaradhika]

In your original post, you mention that she's pretty, again, my thoughts are going to boundaries, regardless of attractiveness.

 

I keep thinking, what's the use of having an exclusive relationship with someone who shares these intimacies freely with another person, regardless of her preference. How about your preference?

 

What do you want? I've never been a very jealous person and if I feel insecure, I am not one to hold back, I'll tell you, this ain't cool with me. I do keep in mind that there are all kinds of relationships though, and what I won't tolerate, another may be fine with.

 

I also consider that this lesbian friend should also respect your relationship and tone it down, not be texting good mornings, good nights, I love you's.

 

 

Thank you skywriter! This is exactly how I feel, I decided to post this to read different perspectives and it's good to know I'm not alone in the way I see this. I have male friends myself and I do text them but I dont feel the need to hear from them everyday and say good morning hun or whatever to any of them.. I guess now that I know how I feel about this, I just have to figure out how I'm going to address it.. I don't want to cause an argument or make him feel pressured to change.

 

Thank you!!