My ex-Affair Partner Moved to my area! Smh!

[40somethingGuy]

Update: I finally told my husband this morning. It was difficult but I don't want to keep it hidden away any longer. He is highly upset. He is not talking to me very much right now. I am just going to patiently wait for him and when he is ready we will deal with it. I feel like crap right now. I am scheduling another counseling session for us also.

 

 

At the very least your H knows that you came out and told him and he didn't find out from anyone but you. Just understand that even saying 'hello' to the OM can be a very sensitive thing for a BS where it can be easily perceived that you're opening the door up a crack for this A to resume. Even if in your heart it is over. You know your H would have eventually found out about this and it would probably be a good idea for you to initiate the moving conversation. good luck.

[merrmeade]

so

 

you break NC with your AP

 

you hide it from your BH

 

you are minimizing =Our entire conversation didnt even last 30 seconds. But I agree, it shouldn't have happened at all.=

 

you put your self first wit no respect to your BH = "At this point, I felt I was completely healed and felt there was no problem speaking to him.=

 

I want you to read this and tell me what you think

EXACTLY! The " I felt I was completely healed and felt there was no problem speaking to him" is the biggest red flag. I think you're being too subtle as to what is wrong with it and why, moxamm. Affairs, cheating, etc. happen because a cheater's brain changes what's true or important. They don't get it but think they do and dangerously change priorities, values and safeguards. For example, here there are two, not just one, subtle but dangerous assumptions on WS's part in this short statement.

 

One is the "I felt I was healed" statement. THe word "healed" in affair nomenclature is universally used to refer to the BS's recovery. BUt here, WS has co-opted the term for herself. What has she healed from? Her obsession with OM possibly. Whatever it is, she's twisted the problem, solution and terminology to be about her, not BS.

 

The problem is what you think NC is and why it's there. As moxamm implied, NC is not for the WS's sake; it's for the BS!! Therefore, the whole process is done with BS driving every aspect, every decision, every response relative to communication between WW and OM after NC. But apparently OP thought that NC was there to deter her and OM. In other words, if WS was "completely healed," then "there was no problem speaking" to OM. In a way, saying she is "healed" sounds like she was victim of a disease and so OP unconsciously coopted the term, thinking of herself as "healed" from her cheating ways as sorf ot a disease. Not a bad way to see it, but putting her 'healing' above her husband's is like putting her desires and pleasure during the affair ahead of her husband's needs, rights and feelings.

 

Second problem with the statement is the "... felt there was no problem." And so you decided it was okay. This means you don't understand NC and why it's there: It's for BS and should be 100% under his control. You make the contract, but you put BS in charge. That's why NC works; WS agrees to hand over NC operations to BS. That act itself done properly restores BS confidence and trust in WS.

 

Each step in NC is approved by BS in a way that there can be no question regarding contact. First is the letter composed by WS but approved and mailed by BS. Second and equally as important, is handing over the command center. And that works because WS DEFERS ALL INSTANCES OF NC BREAK TO BS.

 

That is why it IS a big deal for OP to decide it's okay. No, no, no. BS decides if it's okay to say "Hi," wave or shoot the finger. BS owns NC, not you. And BS might decide that because BS IS HEALED.

 

Just as a side note and not to the point, I find it offensive and scary to uncover yet another example of 'how they think.' The cheater brain is devious and keeps on producing convoluted thinking about everything. That is why the steps and actions of NC are carefully spelled out. You can't trust the WS to fully grasp the rationale; they need help. The cheater brain is devious and mysterious to the cheater herself.

Edited September 13, 2017 by merrmeade

[moxamm]

Update: I finally told my husband this morning. It was difficult but I don't want to keep it hidden away any longer. He is highly upset. He is not talking to me very much right now. I am just going to patiently wait for him and when he is ready we will deal with it. I feel like crap right now. I am scheduling another counseling session for us also.

 

for us .........nooooooooo

 

first ic for yourself

 

its clear that you still in the wayward mentality

[hammyy2k]

i agree with the user above

Edited September 14, 2017 by hammyy2k

[usa1ah]

Update: I finally told my husband this morning. It was difficult but I don't want to keep it hidden away any longer. He is highly upset. He is not talking to me very much right now. I am just going to patiently wait for him and when he is ready we will deal with it. I feel like crap right now. I am scheduling another counseling session for us also.

 

Another thing you might want to do is DNA your kids for him. You broke what trust he had in you. It's going through his head if the kids are his.

[usa1ah]

Another thing going his head.

 

There is no way the OM move here because of a 30 sec conversation.

 

He is going to assume you started something back up.

[knabe]

Another thing you might want to do is DNA your kids for him. You broke what trust he had in you. It's going through his head if the kids are his.

 

I know this is all the rage, but if the A was nowhere NEAR the time of conception this is ridiculous.

 

I swear, a so-called expert makes one remark and all his "followers" make it standard procedure.

[usa1ah]

I know this is all the rage, but if the A was nowhere NEAR the time of conception this is ridiculous.

 

I swear, a so-called expert makes one remark and all his "followers" make it standard procedure.

 

Just to prove in one way nothing is going on. Just a show of being open with her husband.

Edited September 14, 2017 by usa1ah

[usa1ah]

Conqueror, you have to be an open book. Your husband will expect the worst after what you have put him through.

 

Anything you can do needs to be done if you want to save you marriage.

 

Find another job so there is never a chance for you to be around the OM.

 

Every bit of proof you can get to show you haven't been fooling around, be ready with it when he is ready to talk. That is why I suggested the DNA test, its just a way to remove any doubt from your husbands mind that might be there. It's not because I think the kids aren't his.

 

OP you have no clue how you have damaged your marriage by breaking NC. Just be ready with the truth and ways to verify when the time comes.

[DKT3]

I know this is all the rage, but if the A was nowhere NEAR the time of conception this is ridiculous.

 

I swear, a so-called expert makes one remark and all his "followers" make it standard procedure.

 

Here is the thing, she is a known liar. So how does he know she wasn't having sex with this other guy when she got pregnant? Her word?

[Rose.1977]

Tell your husband immediately about where this guy lives, how you learned about it & your suspicions. If your husband doesn't hear it form you he will assume the worst.

 

 

Then make a plan together to deal with this

 

Exactly!!! really wise avice

[Rose.1977]

Nothing to do with feasible but mandatory that the

house be sold even at a loss.

 

Another shinning example of why the WW must leave

her job when she works with her OM.

 

NC, means NO CONTACT, and here you are talking

with the OM as if nothing happened.

 

1 Tell your BH everything from how you broke NC.

2 Told the OM where you live.

3 Met OMW and child at daughter's school.

4 Your plan to fix this.

a leave the job

b sell the house and move

c go NC with everyone that knows you an OM

so he will not find out where you live.

 

Exactly!! This is a great example

[Just a Guy]

Hi Rose, the OP has already told her husband the complete story. Currently he is very upset with her and is not talking to her. I guess you came in late. Warm wishes.

[whichwayisup]

Another thing going his head.

 

There is no way the OM move here because of a 30 sec conversation.

 

He is going to assume you started something back up.

 

That is a thought for sure but the first thought is, trust is gone again. All the hard work is out the window.

 

Did your husband and his wife ever speak during DDAY? Just wondering... If his wife feels threatened by this she could very well reach out to your husband or he could contact her to find out wtf is going on with the move etc.

[road]

Conqueror, update?

 

Does your BH need some LS support?

 

This is damage that can be repaired.

Though steps must be taken to ensure

that what has been done is not repeated.

[pheonixrisen]

for us .........nooooooooo

 

first ic for yourself

 

its clear that you still in the wayward mentality

 

I agree ...if you were serious about NC/ending the affair for good /recommitting to your marriage .giving info about where you live is the opp action of the above .

 

The om in this situation has interpreted that as come find me .

 

Good on you that you told your h.

 

Moving his young family to be close to his ex mistress ..this om has issues.. I would instinctly go on protecting my family .

 

The ow in our situation is stalking like a desperate psycho on steroids ..while my h is in protection mode ...i am wondering if being with him is worth all of this because I have a very young child ...you might want to consider that ...

 

one time is already too many ..to be put in this mindset situation again even if an affair is not ongoing might put a question mark in your h head if you are worth putting himself and your children through this mess.anger becomes a dominant emotion for the bs when put in this mind**** again.

[Whatnotagain]

 

He and I are no contact, of course. From the time the affair ended, there were no calls, texts, emails, etc. Occasionally, however, whenever we saw each other at meetings, he would speak to me. Initially, I ignored him. Then there was the occasional nod. The last time we were at a meeting, which was back in April, I was very pregnant and due to give birth a week from that day. At this point, I was very happy, and I had put everything behind me regarding the A. Though I was hurt and a little mad at him at first, I still had love for him and for some reason carried a torch for him, so to speak. At this point, I felt I was completely healed and felt there was no problem speaking to him. He turned around and said, "hi how are you?"

"Great," I replied. "How are you?"

"I'm great!" He said.

"Good. I saw your commercial on TV," I said.

"Oh really? Where do you live," he inquired.

I told him the area I lived in, which is a close knit community. He asked me to repeat it and I did, really thinking nothing of it.

 

For anyone who has been down this road before, does this look, sound, feel, taste, etc. like No Contact? OP this is not no contact. No contact is when you change jobs, move to different city, county, or state to avoid the OM/OW. What this is, is a cheaters ideal view of no contact and reconciliation. Don't make me change my job. Don't make me give up friendships. Don't make sell or move from my home. Don't shame me, be angry, or call me names. If you can't get over it maybe you need to get some counseling. Sheesh, your poor husband.

[harrybrown]

hope you H is still alive.

 

Your OM is a psycho. Do not understand why you can't see how dangerous he is to your family, but especially your H.

 

You have set your H back to the first D-day.

 

When are you going to be a safe partner and quit hurting your H?

 

when you cut out his heart over and over, sometimes it will not start again.

 

Good wishes and health for your family.

[Just a Guy]

Hey Folks, I think the OP has got the message loud and clear. She has been transparent with her husband although a bit tardy in doing so. I think the collective wisdom of LS has filtered down to the deepest recesses of her mind otherwise she may not have confessed her breaking of NC to him. She just seems someone who has been ingenuous in the whole matter and possibly the dregs of her affair were retained and remembered by her brain much like the much touted muscle memory that people talk about. Whatever it is I think the lesson has been driven home and learnt and so the folks on here could be kind to her and encourage her rather than keep flogging the dead beat horse.

 

My point is that we all learn our lessons by making mistakes. While her original infidelity was not a mistake but a choice her actions here seem to be a genuine mistake and that point has been rubbed in quite well in my opinion. Further bashing will get diminishing returns. Conqueror, I do hope things work out amicably for you and and your husband. When things have settled down between you two, make active plans together on how you intend to tackle this new problem. Do not underestimate it. It is actually very explosive. Your ex AP definitely seems unhinged and the sooner you are out of his orbit in every way the better for you and your family. The onus of protecting your husband and your daughter is fully on your shoulders so apply your mind to the problem at hand and come up with a workable solution. Warm wishes.

[Conqueror]

A couple of days after school started there was a back to school social at my daughter's school. I saw exMM's wife come out of Nowhere. She walked past me with an attitude and flipped her hair so viciously I thought her neck would break. I ignored it. I just figured that she was as shocked as I was that our kids were at the same school. I later saw her do some type of hand gesture at me from a distance.

 

Fast forward to today, I was surprised to see a series of text messages from her. Of course a couple of years ago she blocked me on all social media and told me not to contact anyone in her family ever again and I didn't. Today she contacts me and this is how the messages went:

 

"

Hi (my name). I just wanted to let you know that we are in the neighborhood now and the past is the past and I know that our kids go to the same school. I would like for us to speak to each other and be cordial to one another. Sorry I wanted to talk to you the other day but I didn't think it was appropriate since the kids were around."

 

Would it be a good idea to text her back? I haven't responded yet, because I'm not sure what her motives are-or if she even has one. I personally believe she is a nice person and is coming from a good place, I hope. I am a bit torn on this one. I already made the mistake of breaking NC with exMM and don't want to keep repeating the same mistakes. I have to consider my husband/family also. I don't have a problem saying good morning or good afternoon if we pass each other in person. But should I respond to her by text??

[whichwayisup]

You do know that's probably not his wife who sent you those texts. It's exMM!

TELL your husband and show him the texts too.

 

She was pissed seeing you and certainly didn't give you any signs of interest of wanting to talk to you. She displayed the opposite.

 

Again, show your H the texts and tell him whatever he wants to do is fine with you.

 

IF you're considering speaking to her, bring your husband along too. DO NOT talk to her one on one. Though I hope after talking to your husband you both decide to ignore the texts and either block the number or you get a new number.

[merrmeade]

Hey Folks, I think the OP has got the message loud and clear. She has been transparent with her husband although a bit tardy in doing so. I think the collective wisdom of LS has filtered down to the deepest recesses of her mind otherwise she may not have confessed her breaking of NC to him. She just seems someone who has been ingenuous in the whole matter and possibly the dregs of her affair were retained and remembered by her brain much like the much touted muscle memory that people talk about. Whatever it is I think the lesson has been driven home and learnt and so the folks on here could be kind to her and encourage her rather than keep flogging the dead beat horse.

 

My point is that we all learn our lessons by making mistakes. While her original infidelity was not a mistake but a choice her actions here seem to be a genuine mistake and that point has been rubbed in quite well in my opinion. Further bashing will get diminishing returns. Conqueror, I do hope things work out amicably for you and and your husband. When things have settled down between you two, make active plans together on how you intend to tackle this new problem. Do not underestimate it. It is actually very explosive. Your ex AP definitely seems unhinged and the sooner you are out of his orbit in every way the better for you and your family. The onus of protecting your husband and your daughter is fully on your shoulders so apply your mind to the problem at hand and come up with a workable solution. Warm wishes.

I don't know about letting her off the hook so easily though, JAG, because she wasn't aware and didn't see this coming. I agree that her mistakes were from cluelessness rather than anything intentional, but that really is not an excuse. It doesn't help her husband. You need to look - actually SHE NEEDS TO LOOK - more closely at her own history and actions. I did and one thing that stands out in general in all the threads is her surprise and confusion throughout the A and the recovery about what's wrong, what's stupid and how these might affect others.

 

Then there was a mess even at the start of NC. The problem there that I saw was that your husband was the one telling AP that it was over and not to contact you again. I mean, I knew with my husband's affair because I knew the OW that it was essential for her to hear from HIM that he didn't ever want to hear from her again. I'd already been in touch with her and saw that she dismissed, ignored and distorted anything I had to say. She wasn't going to do anything I said. But she DID accept his letter - handwritten, but read and agreed to by me (which was also communicated to her). We've never heard squat from her since then. Not even a squeak.

 

But in your case, the BH called, threatened and OM threatened back (which is where the murder threat came in). Wouldn't all that have been avoided if YOU had written a letter that you meant and your husband agreed to, that you both sealed and mailed, telling him that you deeply regretted the damage you'd done to your spouse and family, that yours and OM's actions were thoughtless and hurtful and you wanted to dedicate your life to making it up to them. Therefore, he shouldn't contact you again and, if he did, you would immediately tell or show your husband and then, if something written, delete or throw it away. That would say to him no hope, even if it were possible to make contact without BH knowing.

 

But, just look at how you worked up to the conversation. At first, you were

... no contact, of course. From the time the affair ended, there were no calls, texts, emails, etc.

but progressed to

Occasionally, however, whenever we saw each other at meetings, he would speak to me. Initially, I ignored him.

moving on to

Then there was the occasional nod.

ending with

The last time... I felt I was completely healed and felt there was no problem speaking to him.

 

You were genuinely stumped why OM made the move. You really don't realize what - and I'm sure it was more than nods - encouraged him. You believed you were practicing NC and asked

Coincidence? Is this OK? Did he do this on purpose? If so, why?

This is why I agree with the poster that said don't bother with mc, get yourself into ic. Edited September 16, 2017 by merrmeade

[merrmeade]

Would it be a good idea to text her back? I haven't responded yet, because I'm not sure what her motives are-or if she even has one. I personally believe she is a nice person and is coming from a good place, I hope. I am a bit torn on this one. I already made the mistake of breaking NC with exMM and don't want to keep repeating the same mistakes. I have to consider my husband/family also. I don't have a problem saying good morning or good afternoon if we pass each other in person. But should I respond to her by text??

oh my GOD, OP, why do you keep asking us first??? Why don't you ask your husband?? It's not up to us. It's not even up to you. When will you understand this?

 

the fact that your first instinct doesn't include him is the problem!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, maybe I need to revise my previous post. I think Conqueror needs to get her priorities right. All communication from the OM/ OM's wife needs to be shared immediately with her husband and actions should be taken consensually. Warm wishes.

[moxamm]

its clear that you still in the wayward mentality