My ex-Affair Partner Moved to my area! Smh!

[road]

oh my GOD, OP, why do you keep asking us first??? Why don't you ask your husband?? It's not up to us. It's not even up to you. When will you understand this?

 

the fact that your first instinct doesn't include him is the problem!

 

Hi Folks, maybe I need to revise my previous post. I think Conqueror needs to get her priorities right. All communication from the OM/ OM's wife needs to be shared immediately with her husband and actions should be taken consensually. Warm wishes.

 

This was a break in NC between the families.

 

Any contact is a break in NC.

 

Whenever there is a break in NC the BS

must be told about the break and together

the BS and the WS must work together to

plan a response to the break in NC.

 

So Conqueror, tell your BH about the OMW

contacting you. That it is suspected that it's

the OM doing the contacting you based on

OMW earlier reaction to you.

 

However you can be the bigger person and if

BH agrees, meet with her and hear what she

has to say and you can tell about your need

for NC with her husband and that if OM ever

tries to break NC you and your BH will tell

her.

 

Though when sending emails you never

know who is getting them or reading them.

So maybe a phone call, meet at a coffee shop,

with your BH there.

[deadsoul]

A couple of days after school started there was a back to school social at my daughter's school. I saw exMM's wife come out of Nowhere. She walked past me with an attitude and flipped her hair so viciously I thought her neck would break. I ignored it. I just figured that she was as shocked as I was that our kids were at the same school. I later saw her do some type of hand gesture at me from a distance.

 

Fast forward to today, I was surprised to see a series of text messages from her. Of course a couple of years ago she blocked me on all social media and told me not to contact anyone in her family ever again and I didn't. Today she contacts me and this is how the messages went:

 

"

Hi (my name). I just wanted to let you know that we are in the neighborhood now and the past is the past and I know that our kids go to the same school. I would like for us to speak to each other and be cordial to one another. Sorry I wanted to talk to you the other day but I didn't think it was appropriate since the kids were around."

 

Would it be a good idea to text her back? I haven't responded yet, because I'm not sure what her motives are-or if she even has one. I personally believe she is a nice person and is coming from a good place, I hope. I am a bit torn on this one. I already made the mistake of breaking NC with exMM and don't want to keep repeating the same mistakes. I have to consider my husband/family also. I don't have a problem saying good morning or good afternoon if we pass each other in person. But should I respond to her by text??

 

Personally I don't think you should respond to her at all. But it's your husband's opinion and advice that matters.

[Robert]

***Moderators Note***

 

Let's keep the posts On Topic and about Loveshack.

 

Any other post that discuses other websites will be deleted and points will be given out to posters who don't post to the topic.

 

Thanks

Edited September 17, 2017 by Robert

[bealigerent]

If that text is verbatim it sounds totally like OM is setting you up. IMO it sounds like something a psychopath would write. I wonder, though, how she happens to have your phone number? Why is it no longer blocked? And why haven't you changed your number?

[usa1ah]

A couple of days after school started there was a back to school social at my daughter's school. I saw exMM's wife come out of Nowhere. She walked past me with an attitude and flipped her hair so viciously I thought her neck would break. I ignored it. I just figured that she was as shocked as I was that our kids were at the same school. I later saw her do some type of hand gesture at me from a distance.

 

Fast forward to today, I was surprised to see a series of text messages from her. Of course a couple of years ago she blocked me on all social media and told me not to contact anyone in her family ever again and I didn't. Today she contacts me and this is how the messages went:

 

"

Hi (my name). I just wanted to let you know that we are in the neighborhood now and the past is the past and I know that our kids go to the same school. I would like for us to speak to each other and be cordial to one another. Sorry I wanted to talk to you the other day but I didn't think it was appropriate since the kids were around."

 

Would it be a good idea to text her back? I haven't responded yet, because I'm not sure what her motives are-or if she even has one. I personally believe she is a nice person and is coming from a good place, I hope. I am a bit torn on this one. I already made the mistake of breaking NC with exMM and don't want to keep repeating the same mistakes. I have to consider my husband/family also. I don't have a problem saying good morning or good afternoon if we pass each other in person. But should I respond to her by text??

 

If you are worried about your husband, why have you not shown him the text?

[road]

Unfortunately Conqueror has left the building.

Shame for she needs to do the things that

need to be done to protect her marriage.

 

Though she does not want to hear that she

needs to leave her job and move at least

a 1,000 miles away.

[merrmeade]

Any contact is a break in NC.

 

Whenever there is a break in NC the BS

must be told about the break and together

the BS and the WS must work together to

plan a response to the break in NC.

 

Though when sending emails you never

know who is getting them or reading them.

So maybe a phone call, meet at a coffee shop,

with your BH there.

Meet? How could meeting in person even with BS there be a good idea? Never heard of this. Seems to me it's fraught with all manner of possibilities, all awful for the BS. Just being together in the same space would spark different emotions in everybody. Remember the other two are masters at playing a role without even realizing it. And if OM made a point that WW and BH didn't agree on? It's supposed to be BH and WW standing together. But what if OM throws a curve ball, makes a challenge or just balks? How does BH monitor sideglances and all those other layers of meta-communication. How do they know they'll be strong enough, any of them? They're just beginning to heal. This sounds like my worst nightmare.

[moxamm]

she doesn't seem too invested in the marriage

[road]

Meet? How could meeting in person even with BS there be a good idea? Never heard of this. Seems to me it's fraught with all manner of possibilities, all awful for the BS. Just being together in the same space would spark different emotions in everybody. Remember the other two are masters at playing a role without even realizing it. And if OM made a point that WW and BH didn't agree on? It's supposed to be BH and WW standing together. But what if OM throws a curve ball, makes a challenge or just balks? How does BH monitor sideglances and all those other layers of meta-communication. How do they know they'll be strong enough, any of them? They're just beginning to heal. This sounds like my worst nightmare.

 

Met with the OMW not the OM.

[Maraud3r]

I did not tell him about the conversation.

This, plus the cues others have taken from the first post and the what you've written in the the second one makes me think your husband is well and truly screwed.

 

You talk about how "you healed", "you got over it" and "you got better". NC is not for you, it's for your husband who chose to try and reconcile. You are already making decisions to break commitments you made to him after your affair, you are engaging with your AP in whatever fashion and keeping it a secret from your husband.

 

Worse, you are also minimizing the possible danger the AP poses claiming that "He's just all talk" and "would never do anything". Which people always say, before the person in question does something. From here on out every small step will get easier, every lie will get easier, every broken promise will be easier than the one before.

 

You named yourself Conqueror but the only thing I am seeing being conquered is you and all the promises you seem to have made.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, maybe Conqueror is taking a break to mull things over. Remember, she did tell her husband finally about breaking NC in April(I think). She said that after she told him about that break he was upset and maybe not talking to her. She may have more immediate problems on her plate right now and will possibly return to post when things have normalized a bit between her and her husband. If she has told her husband about this latest communication from, ostensibly, the OMW, then that might have set her husband off again and right now, she may be firefighting at home to desperately save her marriage. I don't know, I may be completely off track here but I think we should wait and see if she returns. Warm wishes.

[Conqueror]

If that text is verbatim it sounds totally like OM is setting you up. IMO it sounds like something a psychopath would write. I wonder, though, how she happens to have your phone number? Why is it no longer blocked? And why haven't you changed your number?

 

I don't think she ever deleted my number. She has contacted me in the past. She kept my number. ALso there is no point in changing it. I have my own business. If someone Googles my name or company my number pops up.

[Conqueror]

its clear that you still in the wayward mentality

 

Not at all. I honestly want nothing to do with him at all at this point.

[Conqueror]

If you are worried about your husband, why have you not shown him the text?

 

I have now. He told me not to respond and I won't.

[Conqueror]

If that text is verbatim it sounds totally like OM is setting you up. IMO it sounds like something a psychopath would write. I wonder, though, how she happens to have your phone number? Why is it no longer blocked? And why haven't you changed your number?

 

But how is could he be setting me up using his wife's phone? I do believe it was her.

[Conqueror]

Hi Folks, maybe Conqueror is taking a break to mull things over. Remember, she did tell her husband finally about breaking NC in April(I think). She said that after she told him about that break he was upset and maybe not talking to her. She may have more immediate problems on her plate right now and will possibly return to post when things have normalized a bit between her and her husband. If she has told her husband about this latest communication from, ostensibly, the OMW, then that might have set her husband off again and right now, she may be firefighting at home to desperately save her marriage. I don't know, I may be completely off track here but I think we should wait and see if she returns. Warm wishes.

 

You're exactly right. I have taken a break to smooth things over in my marriage with my husband. And hearing about OMW contacting me after learning about the conversation between me and OM was too much to take at the time. I made sure to tell my husband about OMW contacting me the day it happened. We are in a much better place now. It was truly selfish of me to even go against my husband's wishes and talk to OM and I deeply regret it. My husband and I have truly been reconnecting. I really aim to make better decisions from now on. I honestly did not think that the conversation I had with OM back in April would come back and bite me the way it did. When I spoke with him I felt no desire for him whatsoever and tried to treat him the same way I treat everyone else. I didn't stop and ask myself how my husband would feel back then. Although we are in a good place right now, I secretly feel like crap. I feel that there is nothing I could ever do to make up for what I did. Sometimes I ask my husband if he just stays with me for the kids. He says he is with me because he is in love with me and I am in love with him too. BUt I don't think I'm good enough. Not anymore and not for the last 2 years. My husband can do better. Sometimes I even feel as though I havent paid for my sins enough. I feel that maybe if he leaves, someone else can move into this beautiful home with him and will be much better than me in every way. And I would deserve to suffer even more. I wish I could go back to 2014 when I was a great wife and a great mom. A woman of honor who took pride in my role as a wife and mom, Back then I couldn't understand how a person could cheat. I never imagined doing such a thing. I want to go back but I can't. I hate this feeling. For the rest of my life, I will longer be able to say I never cheated on my husband. In 2014, we celebrated 10 years of marriage. 15 years of being together. I survived the "seven year itch." I am so mad at myself right now. I wish I had never met AP, I wish I never committed adultery.

[BetrayedH]

You're exactly right. I have taken a break to smooth things over in my marriage with my husband. And hearing about OMW contacting me after learning about the conversation between me and OM was too much to take at the time. I made sure to tell my husband about OMW contacting me the day it happened. We are in a much better place now. It was truly selfish of me to even go against my husband's wishes and talk to OM and I deeply regret it. My husband and I have truly been reconnecting. I really aim to make better decisions from now on. I honestly did not think that the conversation I had with OM back in April would come back and bite me the way it did. When I spoke with him I felt no desire for him whatsoever and tried to treat him the same way I treat everyone else. I didn't stop and ask myself how my husband would feel back then. Although we are in a good place right now, I secretly feel like crap. I feel that there is nothing I could ever do to make up for what I did. Sometimes I ask my husband if he just stays with me for the kids. He says he is with me because he is in love with me and I am in love with him too. BUt I don't think I'm good enough. Not anymore and not for the last 2 years. My husband can do better. Sometimes I even feel as though I havent paid for my sins enough. I feel that maybe if he leaves, someone else can move into this beautiful home with him and will be much better than me in every way. And I would deserve to suffer even more. I wish I could go back to 2014 when I was a great wife and a great mom. A woman of honor who took pride in my role as a wife and mom, Back then I couldn't understand how a person could cheat. I never imagined doing such a thing. I want to go back but I can't. I hate this feeling. For the rest of my life, I will longer be able to say I never cheated on my husband. In 2014, we celebrated 10 years of marriage. 15 years of being together. I survived the "seven year itch." I am so mad at myself right now. I wish I had never met AP, I wish I never committed adultery.

 

This is what true remorse sounds like.

 

Keep making decisions of which you can be proud and your pride will return.

 

And if your husband wants to remain with you, then honor his choice. Make it a marriage worth being in.

 

Contrary to some others, I see a good amount of hope in your situation. It is rare for there to be an absence of mistakes on the part of the wayward (or the BS) when reconciling. But you've made some good course corrections. I doubt you will make the same mistakes again.

 

Focus on continuous improvement, not on perfection.

[GoldenR]

I thought you said when you had that convo with the OM, that the reason you were nice was bc you felt love and still held a torch for him. But now you say when you had the convo, you felt nothing.

[merrmeade]

I thought you said when you had that convo with the OM, that the reason you were nice was bc you felt love and still held a torch for him. But now you say when you had the convo, you felt nothing.

I did a double-take on that line, too:

I still had love for him and for some reason carried a torch for him, so to speak. At this point, I felt I was completely healed and felt there was no problem speaking to him.

but finally decided she didn't mean the same thing I mean by the expression. Otherwise, how could she possibly add that she saw no problem in speaking because she was completely healed. I decided she doesn't realize it means that you still have romantic feelings for someone who jilted you. She's certainly not in that position.

 

I think she's just not that careful with vocabulary - the word "healed" being another example. Her husband is the one healing from injury. In that case, I believe she meant simply that she was over him and maybe 'healed' from whatever affliction had blinded her.

 

I'm not AS sure what she means by carrying a torch, but I AM sure it doesn't mean she was still burning with desire for him. She's made that clear.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You're exactly right. I have taken a break to smooth things over in my marriage with my husband. And hearing about OMW contacting me after learning about the conversation between me and OM was too much to take at the time. I made sure to tell my husband about OMW contacting me the day it happened. We are in a much better place now. It was truly selfish of me to even go against my husband's wishes and talk to OM and I deeply regret it. My husband and I have truly been reconnecting. I really aim to make better decisions from now on. I honestly did not think that the conversation I had with OM back in April would come back and bite me the way it did. When I spoke with him I felt no desire for him whatsoever and tried to treat him the same way I treat everyone else. I didn't stop and ask myself how my husband would feel back then. Although we are in a good place right now, I secretly feel like crap. I feel that there is nothing I could ever do to make up for what I did. Sometimes I ask my husband if he just stays with me for the kids. He says he is with me because he is in love with me and I am in love with him too. BUt I don't think I'm good enough. Not anymore and not for the last 2 years. My husband can do better. Sometimes I even feel as though I havent paid for my sins enough. I feel that maybe if he leaves, someone else can move into this beautiful home with him and will be much better than me in every way. And I would deserve to suffer even more. I wish I could go back to 2014 when I was a great wife and a great mom. A woman of honor who took pride in my role as a wife and mom, Back then I couldn't understand how a person could cheat. I never imagined doing such a thing. I want to go back but I can't. I hate this feeling. For the rest of my life, I will longer be able to say I never cheated on my husband. In 2014, we celebrated 10 years of marriage. 15 years of being together. I survived the "seven year itch." I am so mad at myself right now. I wish I had never met AP, I wish I never committed adultery.

 

Hi Conqueror. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote here. I felt that was for a good 18 months after my affair ended. I also felt that it was best that I just leave, move on...run. Basically that is what you are saying and I said the same things, that my husband could meet someone new, my kids could have a new mom, I would just vanish, everyone would be better without me as I could not undo the past.

 

It's true, you can't undo the past. No one can. The fact of the matter is that you have a husband who wants to just move on with his life, his family, and move forward. And assuming that you want that as well, well then you owe it to them to move on as well. There are no do-overs; we don't get a second go-around. You make a mistake, he's forgiven you - now you need to forgive yourself as well. Otherwise it's actually selfish to throw yourself in a pit of despair - no matter how tempting it may be, and I know how tempting it can be.

 

The truth is that it takes more strength to stay and work it out, forgive yourself and move forward than it does to just give up. You owe it to your family to not give up. Feeling like crap is a useless emotion and serves no one. Learn from your mistakes and move on.

[DKT3]

I did a double-take on that line, too: but finally decided she didn't mean the same thing I mean by the expression. Otherwise, how could she possibly add that she saw no problem in speaking because she was completely healed. I decided she doesn't realize it means that you still have romantic feelings for someone who jilted you. She's certainly not in that position.

 

I think she's just not that careful with vocabulary - the word "healed" being another example. Her husband is the one healing from injury. In that case, I believe she meant simply that she was over him and maybe 'healed' from whatever affliction had blinded her.

 

I'm not AS sure what she means by carrying a torch, but I AM sure it doesn't mean she was still burning with desire for him. She's made that clear.

 

I personally see a still very wayward wife who has become very adapt to giving what she feels someone needs.

 

She spoke with OM because she doesn't empathize with her husband's feelings. Then it took her a while to inform him because she isn't open and transparent.

 

In short, my personal belief is this R is a very false one.

 

Maybe I'm wrong, what do I know

[usa1ah]

Well you know you can't treat him like a normal person now.

 

I still don't think you know how much you hurt your husband. If you did you would have never talked to the OM again. You would actually despise him for what harm he had help cause.

 

Wish you would give your husband a hall pass just for one reason, so you would know his pain. Just saying, I know this is a really bad idea and won't be followed through with. Try to imagine your husband with another woman and him telling her how much better she is over you. The pain you feel just thinking about it is nothing compared to the pain you caused. A little empathy would go a long way.

[merrmeade]

I personally see a still very wayward wife who has become very adapt to giving what she feels someone needs.

 

She spoke with OM because she doesn't empathize with her husband's feelings. Then it took her a while to inform him because she isn't open and transparent.

 

In short, my personal belief is this R is a very false one.

 

Maybe I'm wrong, what do I know

Well, words are words. She seems determined to me if clumsy and clueless a LOT of the time. But, you know? It reminds me of my husband. He just keeps trying in spite of how bad he is at it. Doesn't give up and deserves another chance. So until they do something you just can't come back from, they get the chance to keep trying in my book.

 

But OP is dealing with more than her own errant thinking. In her case, there's this screwy and ruthless AP who took her little innocent nods and How are you? as permission to literally move into her back yard, which will be SO HARD on the R. I don't see how the they would survive one more intrusion or misstep.

[merrmeade]

Note: Use of the word "innocent" wasn't intended as a pass, but nevermind. I think she's heard plenty on that point.

[arobk]

Note: Use of the word "innocent" wasn't intended as a pass, but nevermind. I think she's heard plenty on that point.

 

How about clueless?