Not Sure

[azbugs]

I have been killing myself over this for a while.

 

My wife and I had been happy, I thought for the first 5 or 6 years of our marriage. Random people would notice how happy we seemed and tell me all the time how lucky we were. I believed it. We had 3 beautiful kids, live in a nice home, two cars in the garage and a picket fence. Things were not perfect, but I thought it was close enough that I didn't mind the rest.

 

I did know before we got married that she had issues with depression and anxiety. I did not know what that meant or what it means to her. It rarely seemed to make an impact on us more than any other couples I knew. But as the years have gone on, she would occasionally do things that were random, and very destructive. Before I noticed that, we began drinking. In my case I had landed a good job, and things were looking up. Gimme a beer. And I wanted my partner with me for the party. When I finally realized I had let it go on too long, and I needed to stop, she was not interested. And this is where I think a lot of our issues really took a nasty turn.

 

Getting to the point, we had not been happy for a while. She quit her job, over my repeated objections. I believed she had been drinking most of her paychecks away anyway but she had been providing meaningful financial support for the house. I was not ready to take over all of those responsibilities. I now believe she lied to me about money since we were much closer than I originally thought, but still not close enough. she also lied to our friends and family about me, and lied to herself to avoid looking at her own behavior. She was out of control.

 

We went to my 20 year high school reunion. They had an open bar for wine and beer. She heavily indulged. I did not care at the time. We were having fun, and I hoped we would go home and have some more fun. But towards the end of the night she got up from the table. I thought she went to the bathroom, but she never came back. I inquired of another woman coming out to see if she needed help but was told no one was in there. I searched the premises for an hour and a half. Finally, I spotted her walking back into the grounds. She looked like she had been stuck on the spin cycle. Her dress and hair were quite messed up. I came running to her asking where she had been and she yelled at me, "DON'T TOUCH ME!" I asked what happened, and she told me she was missing her purse, and had lost her underwear. Shocked, I asked what she wanted to do. She told me she wanted to go home.

 

Once in the car I asked again what happened. She broke down crying uncontrollably. She said she did not know but thought she had been drugged and attacked. When we got home we called the police. They came with an ambulance and took her. The next morning I got a text that she was ready to be picked up from the hospital. When I went to get her I was greeted by a smiling, happy woman! "They found my purse!" she exclaimed. On the way back to the venue I asked again what happened. She didn't know, but its not a big deal. She doesn't know why she called the cops. She would know if she had been attacked. But what about the underwear, I asked. No idea. Don't worry, she said. For a while I would ask every few days, but she repeatedly told me she had no recollection. I even went over the story above in an attempt to jog her memory. Nothing. Don't worry about it was all she would say.

 

But things in our relationship otherwise have not improved. Two years later we still seem to be on the rocks, and every few months another shocking, although minor compared to the above story, thing happens and she will not take responsibility, apologize, or work to solve the problems created by her behavior. I get very angry about this, and this does not help the situation. Only now she has her entire family ready to meet me in a dark ally. I hate my life right now. My kids are the only reason I get up in the morning anymore.

 

And then she started accusing me of having affairs. Having children outside or our marriage, which is preposterous. I am not even going to justify why it is, it just is. For all my faults, I have been loyal as a dog.

 

So this new sexual bend on her accusations of me got me thinking about the reunion issue. I found out by calling the hospital that I cannot get the records for my wife. I can pay the bill, but am not entitled to the information otherwise. I did find out she paid without using insurance. Not sure why she would do that, but I think it is odd.

 

I called the police in our town, but they referred her to the police in the city that the issue happened in. No new information from local PD. Records from the police in the city are hard to get, so I did not pursue it for a while. A few months ago I finally mustered the courage to take a day off, stand in line for 4 hours in person, and request the report. Unfortunately, the detective on the case had not finished and filed it, even though it had been two years since this happened.

 

I am still waiting for the results. It has been 6 months since I originally asked, but I think the report will be coming soon. I called and they told me the detective had finally gotten it to the records office, and I am just waiting for it to go through their system.

 

Of course, all of the worst scenarios are going through my head. I am wondering how I will handle it if my worst fears are realized. What if I get no answers? What if she was so drunk she soiled the underwear and was too embarrassed to tell me what happened? What if she met with three guys in a parking lot and they took turns? What if she really was attacked?

 

I am at the end of my wits. Part of me needs to know. Part of me wishes I never asked. What about the kids? I have been seeing a counselor on my own, I just needed to tell someone, so who ever read this is it.

[bummer]

She needs therapy. Someone other than yourself to pull this gunk out of her brain.

 

Hopefully your counselor can give you tips on how to be non-confrontational and supportive enough to kick her onto a couch to talk through this stuff with someone.

 

I always reflect on people when they criticize others (myself included) that usually what they call out others for is what they themselves are most guilty of. We hate in others what we hate in ourselves.

 

I think you "know" enough of what she's up to to "know" there's someone else. Or at there was at the reunion. She's fighting some demon and doesn't want you to know. Yet.

 

Good luck, and don't beat yourself up.

[GoldenR]

Damn....this is a rough one.

 

OP, other than tell you that she MUST get help for drinking problem (which I'm sure you already know), we should probably wait for the police report before giving you advice on infidelity. But I'll tell you, it's probably really bad.

 

Keep us informed and you'll get good help here.

[standtall]

1. She has an alcohol issue at a minimum.

2. She sounds like to be in the early stages of some serious mental issues.

3. I would give her an ultimatum...she participates in some kind of therapy and gives you medical power of attorney...or you separate from her until she does.

[MJJean]

She's an alcoholic with mental health issues who may have been attacked or may have simply said she was attacked to mask a brief parking lot fling. This is above the pay grade of internet forums and needs to be handled by a psychiatrist.

[wmacbride]

I'm not surprised the hospital wouldn't tell you anything. I'm not sure what the laws/policies where you are, but here, due to confidentiality laws, only the individual or someone they have designated, can access someone's medical records.

 

If she was drugged or otherwise attacked ( or let's call it what it is, if she was so intoxicated she didn't know what was going on, she was raped)she may well not want to talk about it, and pestering her doesn't help.

 

If she wasn't, and she's just trying to cover up the fact that she had a one night stand, you have real problem. It takes someone who is one hell of a good liar to carry it this far.

 

Her drinking does require help, especially where it sounds like she is a mother. She needs to get some control over her behavior for the sake of the kids.

 

If you see your situation in terms of triage, the drinking is the part you really need to address before anything else.

[road]

Your gut knows what happened.

Just sit tight and push for those

reports.

[azbugs]

At the beginning we did see a counselor, and she was seeing someone more serious. I know she at one point was taking prescription drugs, but she is off of that now. Unfortunately I was not involved in the psychiatrist portion of this. I was working a lot out of town at that point, and again, I really didn't understand the gravity of the situation. I did not get involved nearly enough. Looking back, that was a stupid thing for me to do. I should have spoken with them, found out about the drugs she was on. Encouraged her to get the help she needed more, and helped her to stay on it. Taken more of that on instead of expecting it to be "fixed." I don't know what I was expecting. All I know is I did, really nothing, and it was a mistake. I was focused on my own issues. Work, school (I was pursuing a Masters Certificate at the time), spending as much time at home and with the kids as I could. I was not invited to the psychiatrist portion of the story, and I left it to her.

 

The counselor that I did see was a mess. At first she was seeing him alone, and he decided to ask me to the sessions. I thought she was seeing him as part of a work related stress issue, mandated by her employer for short term disability related to that. I was completely taken aback when I get there and she had been talking to him about our marriage. At that time I had been oblivious that there were major marital issues. And she lied to him. I could get into that for days. She had him eating out of her hand. She is a master manipulator. I have never seen anything like it, but as a liar she is terrible. She doesn't even bother to try. Most of the time people believe her because of their relationship with her, in the counselor's case I have no idea how she got away with it. So, in the end counseling did not help, in fact it hurt the situation. She lied, I lost my temper repeatedly at both of them because no one was seeing it, which played right into her helpless damsel schtick.

 

I need to get her to counseling again, but I have been reluctant because of that experience, and also because I do not see that she WANTS to get better. I can't make her try, and she is committed to this right now. She is winning, I think in her mind. All of my friends and family are on her side since she has been running around telling people I am a monster for so long. You should see my Facebook posts these days. No matter how funny or cool a post is, I get 2 responses. I have 3 sisters and 2 parents. Even they are barely talking to me about unrelated things.

 

I am still waiting on that report, not sure if I am hoping there are answers in it or not.

 

Thanks for listening. That helps a lot.

[alsudduth]

If I were you I would do the following:

 

1. Stop Drinking yourself for the time being. I don't get the impression that you can't handle your liquor, but that fact that you do drink occasionally and enabling your wife to do so as well when she clearly has a problem won't work in your favor.

 

2. Begin documenting everything she does out of the ordinary or "crazy". Is she drinking in front of the kids to intoxication?? Document. Is she leaving the house at all hours of the day? Document. Is she being verbally abusive? Document. How does she treat the kids? Document. Keep a record of all the times she refuses help, counseling, medication so that if it comes down to a divorce- you have what you need to ensure your children are safe.

 

3. You need to give her an ultimatum. Tell her to cut the crap, get into some serious therapy individually and then maybe down the line you'll be willing to do some marriage counseling (if you even want to at this point) I don't know how old your kids are, but if you consider her a good mother at all, play that against her. Your kids will eventually see her for what she is. Broken. Is that how she wants her kids to see her?

 

If you can't be the one to get her to look at things differently and admit she needs help, maybe the kids can. I'm sorry you are going through this.

[azbugs]

I did seriously curb my drinking. I no longer drink at all on the weekdays, and am down to a 12 pack every other week total. At first I asked her to do this with me. I was hoping to take her back from the ledge. It didn't work. I switched entirely to beer, since she won't drink it, and will not allow hard alcohol in the house anymore. But the damage was done, I think you are right, I just need to stop for a while.

 

I have been taking notes. I keep a journal at work so she can't find it. Unfortunately when I had a consultation with a divorce lawyer they said it is of limited use. It may be helpful, but a lot of the time they take a spouse's word in court with a grain of salt when it is negative. Which makes sense, unfortunately. And he was recommending that I not try to get full custody of the kids unless I have concrete proof of serious alcoholism like a DUI. Otherwise you look like you are overreaching, and judges tend to frown on this.

 

So far she is at least she is a decent mom. The kids are little still, our oldest is 10, youngest is 6. They are good kids who love us both, splitting up will be devastating, and I am having a hard time justifying doing that to them because she is a pain to me. But I know she will eventually do this to them, and in the meantime they will see her drinking all of the time which she does. I do not argue something needs to be done, and I need to have a serious talk with consequences attached. I am scared to do it because I think she will go ahead and pull the trigger. As much as I hate this situation, I think I am more invested emotionally in it than she is, even now. The only thing stopping her, I think, is she would have to get a full time job if she leaves, and I think she just doesn't want to.

 

My counselor has been trying to convince me to approach her about counseling again, and she is right as you are. I am waiting on this report. I think it can have an impact on how I approach things. If nothing is there I think I will be a lot nicer than I will be if there is something in the report. Maybe not the right way to look at it, but hey.

[bealigerent]

Get yourself to AA or AlAnon or both. I am in the counseling professions and you need to help yourself first. Whatever happened to her one night years ago-is not relevant. Focus on what you can do NOW. Unless your wife designated you to have her info the HIPA laws prevent disclosure One day at a time. One problem at a time. Your sobriety and self care first. An empty vessel cannot fill another. There has to be an intervention-your wife needs to work on sobriety first and there have to be consequences if she won't or can't. you said her counselor was fooled-alcoholics are master manipulators. Tell her you will leave her if that will force her hand. It's not coercion, but tough love.

[ayoung73]

You know, I know it, she knows it…there’s a problem and until it’s taken care of, you’ll both be unhappy! At this point I’d recommend sheltering your kids and making sure their needs are taken care of and you need to confront your wife. I’m not a know it all or an expert, but when I knew my wife was having an affair, I felt it, I confronted her and we were able to work it out. Obviously it wasn’t instantaneous, two plus years actually, but we worked through it and repaired our relationship. She has a problem, no doubt, something she’s not willing to face or deal with on her own, she needs help, and if you’re willing, help her…show her what for ‘better or worse’ really means. If she won’t tell you, forget about it, forgive her and move on. Anyone reading this probably came to the same conclusion, however, we don’t know because your wife isn’t saying what happened, well, deal with the circumstances and explain your situation to her, get help, and start anew. And if you’ve forgiven her don’t throw it in her face at the first sign of adversity, but get her the help she needs! What do you think?

[Just a Guy]

Hi a bugs, sorry to see you here. Having read through your thread it is obvious that your wife is in her current condition, partly because of your enabling attitude. You have accepted that you were clueless about what was going on with her. I am surprised that it was so because no one else is as close to her as you are and if you were really connected to her, you would have sensed a long time ago that things were not alright with her. From the way you write I wonder if you two really love each other or just love the idea of the life you have created for yourselves. If true love was there then your wife would not be bad mouthing you to all and sundry and you would not be receiving unpleasant surprises from your counsellor visits.

 

My point is that, as someone else has suggested, get yourself to IC and find out all that is wrong with your thinking and attitude. Also, determine whether there is any real love at least from your end, for her. Here I am not talking about kids or how you feel about your marriage but actual love for your wife. To me it appears from what you have written, that your wife has checked out of the marriage and has for a while now. If there is no love on either side it may be time to think of an amicable divorce. There is no point in flogging a dead horse. Warm wishes.