Angry & feeling ostracised....

[discarded00]

Hi all!

Currently been separated from stbxh for 7 months, I still have bad days and my breakdowns but seeing a therapist every couple of weeks.

I'm just so angry and hurt with how I was treated by him, he gets to carry on with his life pleased with himself with no remorse thinking everything he did was "valid" and the breakdown of marriage was all my fault - meanwhile he has destroyed me, especially my self esteem. Yet somehow I still love this person, miss him and care!!!

It also doesn't help that I'm being ostracised by so called "friends" and "family" who seem to have taken his "side". The mind boggles everyday with people who have no compassion or understanding, it was bad enough that my own husband wasn't capable of this, now people who I thought I could count on for some support have turned their backs.

Is this a common side effect during separation/divorce?

Thanks for reading

[d0nnivain]

The break down of your marriage wasn't all your fault. It takes 2 to tango.

 

You may think he's having no repercussions but there have to be some even if you don't see them.

 

You had to expect that his blood relatives would take his side not yours. They are no big loss in your life. As for the friends that are abandoning you, well now you know they are not true friends. Concentrate on the ones who are sticking by you & be grateful for their support.

 

In time with a little help from your therapist, you will get through this.

[Ronni_W]

Hi discarded00.

 

Sorry that you're going through all of it.

 

Your experience up to this point kind of does reflect mine. For me, though - and you'll need to determine this for yourself - are you consciously or unconsciously putting forth yourself as 'being stronger' and 'doing better' than you actually are? What I found is that if you are not honest with people about what you're feeling and what you need then they really just have no way of knowing, so there's basically no hope of hoping that they'll 'figure it out by themselves or on their own'. It's not so much that they don't have any understanding or compassion - it's more that they would give that to you if they knew or thought that you are open to receiving it graciously and without biting off their heads (which I realized too late, as I said).

 

I'd be rather quite wealthy if I'd got a dollar every time someone said, (waaayyy after the fact), "Oh, but Ronni...I thought you were doing so well; you always seemed so together!" Yes, sure, I know that. But it was a lot of work and determined effort to not go insane or commit suicide. But, to my friends and loved ones, it's just that I did such a good job that not even my closest and dearest could see the actual work and effort behind it.

 

Not sure if this will help you directly; but certainly am hoping so. . Regardless, sending you lots of hugs and best wishes.

[somanymistakes]

Unfortunately it's normal coping behavior for people to make out like their spouse was a terrible person and totally responsible for everything bad that happened. Everyone wants to believe that they are the good guy, the hero, that it wasn't really their fault. So even if they don't mean to be jerks, they are likely to rewrite history in their minds and make you out to be horrible.

 

That's the version of the story that he will tell his friends and family. And they will probably believe him. Especially his family. They're his blood, they love him, if they have to choose between the two of you then they will almost certainly choose him.

 

It's not fair, but it's just the way it is. You and he are on warring sides now. He has built his defenses to make himself feel good. You need to build your own defenses, and be able to not care about what he thinks. You need to learn to detach, to stop missing him, to stop wanting him to admit that he's wrong, to stop wanting anything to do with him, to stop caring. It's not easy.

 

Good luck.

[OptimismHopeTrust]

Sorry for your pain. You need honesty, this is hard! It takes time, sometimes a lot of time. You are grieving and you hurt. Life as you knew it has changed dramatically. Even if you think it is best to be separated, you will still miss parts of the relationship and feel unsettled as you try to find a new "normal." You will have days where you are really sad and want to cry. You will also have days where you will feel stronger and more able to cope. It is up and down for a time. You can't control how he acts, you can't control how others act or what they believe or don't believe. The only thing you get to control is YOU and how you respond to these situations. You do not need to defend yourself or interact with people who are not supporting you. It is important to talk to your therapist and walk through this journey. Do positive things for yourself. Take a long walk, listen to your favorite music, spend time doing things you enjoy, spend time with family and friends who will love and nurture you. When a relationship ends, "friends" often take sides and there are a lot of untruths. This is a time to rely on those friends who have walked with you. Consider joining a support group where you can meet others who are walking through this as well. Take it fiteen minutes at a time. Don't concern yourself with what he "looks" like.....it is a pure guess on your part and doesn't really matter in the big picture. Your focus should probably be YOU, not whether he is bothered by the separation or not. You have to heal and move yourself toward restoration. I hope you can spend time in that place and be gentle with yourself. When negative thoughts come, try to distract yourself. You will come out on the other side of this, but knowing that you will have pains and victories on any given day will better prepare you for this journey. I wish you the best.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Discarded, my first bit of advice to you would be to change your moniker to something more positive, something that reflects how you want to feel in the near and medium term future. Why not try something like ' Sunshine and Roses' or ' Happiest girl in the USA' or where ever else you live. By choosing such a depressing moniker you are reinforcing your negative feelings about your whole experience. By choosing a positive sounding moniker you will start to let go of the negative feelings that seem to hound you so aggressively and start letting go of the past.

 

In one of my posts on someone else's thread I had asked the person if she had heard of some one by the name of Victor Frankl. Well this person was an inmate of one of Hitler's infamous concentration camps during WW 2 and by exercising great mental fortitude he was able to survive the horrors of that camp till the allies released the prisoners. His single principle in being able to survive in those horrible conditions while others around him were dying like flies was that the Gestapo could do anything to him physically but his mind was his own and he could choose to think and feel as he wished without letting his physical situation affect him in the least. I agree that that required super human will on his part but his circumstances demanded that from him. Had he not displayed that kind of fortitude, he would have been dead in a heart beat. He died of old age in the US in a peaceful manner. He has written a book which you could find by googling it. My point in writing about this is that although your situation is not as desperate as Victor's for you it is a bad situation to be in. However, most of it is your own creation because apparently, you are not able to let go of the past and your ex husband's memory and are holding on to it all like a dog with a bone. Your marriage and your relationship is like a close family member and it's demise is like the demise of your family member. You have already spent seven months grieving for it and now you have to let go and move on for the sake of your own mental peace. Try things like meditation and, if it helps you, prayer and also develop interests outside your home. Become a health and fitness enthusiast or take up a hobby. If you are good with kids then volunteer for working with kids. The idea is to get yourself fruitfully occupied with something constructive. You should also cultivate a new set of friends at social clubs like the YMCA or other such organizations. Whatever you do you have to try and get out of the shell that you have retreated into. Just develop a positive outlook and make a go of it. Warm wishes.

Edited September 14, 2017 by Just a Guy