Crush on married boss and think the feeling is mutual

[mickeyd]

I have a crush on my married boss and think the feeling is mutual. I too am married and we both have children. I have only been working with him for 3 months now. I work part time and at least once a fortnight he wants me to work late with him. He winks at me, at first he used to touch my arm now he is touching my shoulder. He is extremely nice to me and never gets upset. Every time we have meetings together he gets really close to me and several times his leg has touched mine - not sure if it is on purpose. Is he flirting with me? What do I make of the situation?

[Zahara]

I have a crush on my married boss and think the feeling is mutual. I too am married and we both have children. I have only been working with him for 3 months now. I work part time and at least once a fortnight he wants me to work late with him. He winks at me, at first he used to touch my arm now he is touching my shoulder. He is extremely nice to me and never gets upset. Every time we have meetings together he gets really close to me and several times his leg has touched mine - not sure if it is on purpose. Is he flirting with me? What do I make of the situation?

 

You are playing with fire. I experienced a colleague once in your situation and the incredible pain she had to endure until she had to leave her job due to her inability to cope with her emotions, the gossip around the office and the downfall of her marriage after the boss' wife went straight to her husband and revealed the affair.

 

Step away and get yourself out of the short lived excitement.

 

Yes he is flirting with you. You already know this. You create better boundaries for yourself and think about your family and why you're distracted by such a man.

[d0nnivain]

Remind yourself that this is a VERY BAD idea on multiple levels. Don't work late alone with him. Don't talk on the phone with him outside of work about non work things. When he moves closer to you, move away. Don't worry about what it looks like. Do your job. Be professional. Do not engage. If you can't do all that, get a new job.

[caveman621]

I agree with both prior posters. If it is a "crush" you have to quash it right now!!!

 

But if you want to proceed with this, here's what you do. Both get divorced and at least one of you get a job at another company. That's the right way to handle it. If you both are not OK with double divorce and a job change in order to pursue this "crush" then, there's your answer.

 

Are you unhappy in your marriage?

[mickeyd]

Of course I am unhappy in my marriage otherwise I wouldn't have a crush on another man. If he was also happy in his marriage I don't think he would be flirting either - am I right? Can I get a man's opinion?

[d0nnivain]

I'm not a man but I don't think crushes are solely a function of an unhappy marriage. Unhappiness & dissatisfaction are factors but not the only driving force. For women the longing for love & acceptance drives the decisions. Not so for a man. This guy could be perfectly happy in his marriage but still want something on the side because he likes conquest & it's a stroke to his ego.

 

If your marriage is bad, fix it or divorce. Don't make it worse by cheating.

[mickeyd]

I'm not a man but I don't think crushes are solely a function of an unhappy marriage. Unhappiness & dissatisfaction are factors but not the only driving force. For women the longing for love & acceptance drives the decisions. Not so for a man. This guy could be perfectly happy in his marriage but still want something on the side because he likes conquest & it's a stroke to his ego.

 

If your marriage is bad, fix it or divorce. Don't make it worse by cheating.

 

 

Thanks for this. I get that men are driven by ego and he may just want something on the side. I just can't help the way I feel. Believe me I thought I would be the last person to even consider cheating on my husband but I don't know why I feel this way. I have had a few co-workers hit on me in the past but never felt the same way. This time I feel differently I don't know why.

[Space Ritual]

What do I make of the situation?

 

Think for more than 30 seconds about the consequences of pursuing this. And use the energy you are wasting on your boss and put that into your own marriage. Are you in Junior High or are you in committed marriage?

 

Stop using your head for something other than a hat rack. THAT'S what you make of the situation.

 

Being unhappy in a marriage is normal. It is also normal to communicate this with your husband and lay out that there are concrete consequences for not taking actions, leading up to and including divorce.

 

But going right to cheating is a cowardly action. Instead of claiming you are unhappy in your marriage and thinking this to be a viable option, look in the mirror and ask yourself what YOU could be doing to improve your marriage instead of seeking outside validation. It is foolhardy to not consider the consequences of such actions. There will be plenty, because you don't come off as someone who will be able to keep a secret, or an affair, secret for very long. You are using the rationale of a 12 year old

 

You are responsible for 50 percent of your marriage...however you will be 100 percent responsible for cheating.

 

Wake up before you do irreparable damage to your life.

[Mrin]

Of course I am unhappy in my marriage otherwise I wouldn't have a crush on another man. If he was also happy in his marriage I don't think he would be flirting either - am I right? Can I get a man's opinion?

 

Man here. No. A man can be happy in his marriage and still have crushes. Depending on the moral caliber of the man, he can also flirt, love and have affairs/sex. Never underestimate the compartmentalization capacity of a man.

 

Also, and I am sorry to say this, if he's willing to flirt and do more with you, never trust a single word he says. He will tell you what he thinks you need to hear (unhappy marriage, no sex with wife) without batting an eyelash regardless of whether it is true or not.

[Space Ritual]

This time I feel differently I don't know why.

 

Because you are being driven by emotion as opposed to common sense.

 

Think about it.

[Mrin]

Thanks for this. I get that men are driven by ego and he may just want something on the side. I just can't help the way I feel. Believe me I thought I would be the last person to even consider cheating on my husband but I don't know why I feel this way. I have had a few co-workers hit on me in the past but never felt the same way. This time I feel differently I don't know why.

 

Let me suggest that there is a difference in your mind between co-workers and boss. The power disparity perhapsor perhaps it is the he has more to lose so it must be true idea?

[caveman621]

Man here!

 

I was never very good with the ladies when I was single. You know. Pressure to be cool and fear of rejection.

 

But, after I was married, flirting for fun became easy. If I'm not trying to pursue a woman, no "skin in the game", confidence is high and talking and flirting is easy. I find it fun. That doesn't mean there was ever any true intent behind the flirting.

 

If this is driving you crazy, I think you need to talk to him about it. It might be painful, but if he's just passing time at work by flirting with a pretty female, you might be all twisted up over nothing.

[knabe]

If you have morals or character, you will stop this before it starts.

 

Do you have morals or character?

[Redhead14]

Thanks for this. I get that men are driven by ego and he may just want something on the side. I just can't help the way I feel. Believe me I thought I would be the last person to even consider cheating on my husband but I don't know why I feel this way. I have had a few co-workers hit on me in the past but never felt the same way. This time I feel differently I don't know why.

 

Someone is paying attention to you and you are having your ego stroked and he's probably getting the same thing out of it. Don't get into a situation where you're stroking something else and sh*tting where you eat.

 

If you need attention, talk to your husband and/or file for divorce. Then you can start looking elsewhere. If you have children, you need to be thinking about them and their home. They are your #1 priority. If you don't have children, just leave the husband.

[Davey L]

Another man's point of view here.

He's flirting. I do this all the time (and yes, I know I shouldn't). I enjoy it, it makes work more enjoyable, and to be honest the attention is nice. I enjoy going out for one-on-one lunches with these married ladies too. However that's as far as I take it.

I don't know how far this man is prepared to take it. Maybe his limit is the office flirting. Maybe he'll enjoy going out for lunches like me. Maybe he'll go further and be prepared to start a proper affair. But I very much doubt if he'll go so far as to leave his wife for you. Men don't, usually, no matter what they say. There will come a point where you want more from him than he's prepared to give and then, depending on how far it has gone, you will end up hurt.

Enjoy the flirting while it's harmless but go no further, is my advice.

[smackie9]

Blame it on the dopamine that is being released in your brain. It's as addicting as heroin. This is why people like yourself find themselves in this type of situation....something you would never thought you had the ability to do. If you understand it more as to what is actually going on with you, the easier it will be to control it. Help yourself by reading some articles about it. Make sense of it before you start making poor choices.

[DKT3]

I doubt you will actually hear much from those of us who have been down this road, but ask yourself a few questions..1) what is the best possible outcome of getting involved with this guy. 2) how will it improve your situation. 3) how would you feel if your husband was in this position.

[Pumpkin008]

There are some things that you just don't do and this is one of them.

 

 

An affair will not fix any problems in your marriage but instead, escalate them.

 

 

If you are unhappy with your husband then I suggest you take some steps to fix that- whatever those steps may be.

 

 

Your boss is not the answer to your problems.

[smackie9]

This guy could be a predator. He is in a authoritative postilion, he's probably had a few office flings before so this is not new to him, OP you are newly hired/fresh meat...see where I'm going with this? He's grooming you for an office affair. He probably senses your weakness and is playing on it. He will probably start asking you personal questions about your marriage, etc. Once he knows you are unhappy, he's gonna turn up the attention, ask you out for drinks after work etc.

 

You need to get that fantasy out of your head that you two are tow lost souls in unhappy marriages. He's just working on your weakness to get you into the sack nothing more.

[Steve51]

I will say this once and only once, as a former boss who had a secretary with a big crush on me. It never ends well, never. My first experienced started out with my secretary yelling out, "Now I know why they call you the boss.", and ending in her divorce.

 

I got stalked by one secretary because I would not have sex with her. Had to move out of State due to no stalking laws or caller ID back in the old days.

 

My best friend's wife had an affair with her boss, got caught but her boss did not want her and her three kids moving into his home and ruining his single life.

 

Another thing you should know, the married guy will almost always choose his wife over you. Not worth the divorce and sex with someone new only stays exciting for a short while. You may think that one night of sex is harmless as I once did but I got a parting gift, an STD from a married women who I assumed was clean because she only had sex with her husband who she was separated from. I was her revenge sex but the joke was on her. Her husband was cheating on her and got an STD that she got from him but had no symptoms of. It never ends well.

[mickeyd]

Thanks everyone for your responses. Please don't judge me in what I am about to say. I don't even know if I want a relationship with this man. At this point I just find him attractive and the flirting is exciting. As for my husband, I have tried absolutely everything to fix things but there are issues with him that he won't fix. My children have always come first and always will do that is not even a consideration. Like I said, quite a few men I have worked with have tried to hit on me but I've never been interested. This guy had me interested from the first time I met him at the interview. Then when he started flirting with me it just started driving me crazy. I guess what I am trying to figure out if he is actually flirting with the things he is doing. I just don't want to misinterpret anything.

[road]

Thanks everyone for your responses. Please don't judge me in what I am about to say. I don't even know if I want a relationship with this man. At this point I just find him attractive and the flirting is exciting. As for my husband, I have tried absolutely everything to fix things but there are issues with him that he won't fix. My children have always come first and always will do that is not even a consideration. Like I said, quite a few men I have worked with have tried to hit on me but I've never been interested. This guy had me interested from the first time I met him at the interview. Then when he started flirting with me it just started driving me crazy. I guess what I am trying to figure out if he is actually flirting with the things he is doing. I just don't want to misinterpret anything.

 

Man here.

 

There is no up side to this unprofessional work

behavior.

 

You allowing this OM to touch you has now turned

your EA into a PA.

 

This man is a predator. You are not special to him

except that he see's you as an easy mark. Men and

this man will say anything to get into a woman's

pants.

 

Having sex will not solve any of your problems

in your marriage. Instead your affair will only add

to your problems and wind up creating havoc

in your childrens lives.

 

How do I know? Well being here I have seen countless

women just like you telling the same story. Then

I get to watch their marriages fall apart.

[mickeyd]

Man here.

 

There is no up side to this unprofessional work

behavior.

 

You allowing this OM to touch you has now turned

your EA into a PA.

 

This man is a predator. You are not special to him

except that he see's you as an easy mark. Men and

this man will say anything to get into a woman's

pants.

 

Having sex will not solve any of your problems

in your marriage. Instead your affair will only add

to your problems and wind up creating havoc

in your childrens lives.

 

How do I know? Well being here I have seen countless

women just like you telling the same story. Then

I get to watch their marriages fall apart.

 

Sorry I don't understand your acronyms! OM, EA, PA?

Also, he is the one touching me yet you say I allowed him to touch me? What am

Supposed to do? This also has nothing to do with my children

I keep them well away from my work life.

But thank you for the advice. Also, I don't get how people

just assume he is only after sex?? Am I that naive?

[Darren Steez]

I have a crush on my married boss and think the feeling is mutual. I too am married and we both have children. I have only been working with him for 3 months now. I work part time and at least once a fortnight he wants me to work late with him. He winks at me, at first he used to touch my arm now he is touching my shoulder. He is extremely nice to me and never gets upset. Every time we have meetings together he gets really close to me and several times his leg has touched mine - not sure if it is on purpose. Is he flirting with me? What do I make of the situation?

 

Hahaha No he's not flirting with you, and no you will not be having sex when he accidentally goes up inside you. It's all a mistake

[mickeyd]

Hahaha No he's not flirting with you, and no you will not be having sex when he accidentally goes up inside you. It's all a mistake

 

These were seriously genuine questions!! Because I don't want

to misinterpret someone who is just being "friendly". Why the sarcasm?