verbal words getting to me

[katie]

hi, i've never done this before. my boyfriend of 3 years and now my fiancee have a pretty good relationship, but i don't know how to react to his verbal behavoir to me sometimes.

 

i thought it was me over reacting sometimes so i tired to calm down and just not let it get to me, but he's started to get louder in public places and points to me like i'm a 3 year old do something i'm not sposed to. or he says something like "your going home" what is that?

 

and when i try to talk about it we get into another fight. also i've noticed every time we do fight i'm alwaya the one to say sorry or do what ever to get back on good terms.

 

please help before we get married so i can stop this now.

 

thanks

[Tony T]

I think you ought to reconsider your engagement or at least postpone your wedding until he gets his act together. You cannot control his behavior. You can only express your disapproval.

 

I promise you, if he continues on this course you will have a life of hell if you stay with him. Respect is an absolute requirement of any relationship and it doesn't sound like he has a whole lot of respect for you.

 

The big question is do you have enough respect for yourself to deal with this decisively???

[katie]

I think you ought to reconsider your engagement or at least postpone your wedding until he gets his act together. You cannot control his behavior. You can only express your disapproval. I promise you, if he continues on this course you will have a life of hell if you stay with him. Respect is an absolute requirement of any relationship and it doesn't sound like he has a whole lot of respect for you. The big question is do you have enough respect for yourself to deal with this decisively??? tony i totally agree with you, but how can i help him understand? i don't want to point fingers and make him the bad guy causes he's not.

 

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "i don't want to point fingers and make him the bad guy causes he's not."

 

He treats you like a child, you try to talk to him, he starts a fight and clams up and you want to take all the heat for this????????? He's not the bad guy here??? How do you figure that???? So why did you even post if the problem is yours...well, actually it is. Read on.

 

You have a real problem on your hands and it's not your fiance...it's YOU!!! There is no good reason for any human being to put up with lack of consideration or lack of respect, especially from sombody they are planning to marry. If you put up with it, you deserve every ounce of misery you get until the day you die.

 

You tell him he's got to start treating you with love and respect or you are walking...just plain and simple. And mean it!!! You can't take crap off people in this world or they will walk all over you. Learn this now...or learn it once you get everybody's footprints all over your butt.

[sparkle]

Let's see...there's only you and your boyfriend in this relationship. If he's being a jerk, it IS his fault and YES he is the bad guy at that moment. But you're the one that is willing to take this crap from him. So you can point those fingers right back at you also.

 

Next time he acts like this and picks a fight with you, DON'T apologize if it's not your fault. Let him know then and there that it was inappropriate, and get out of the situation. Leave it up to him to make an effort this time.

 

And if he's such a great guy, then I know you won't be worried about walking away from him and allowing HIM to make an effort to apologize and smooth things over this time.

 

Never ever ever ever let people push you around. Don't tolerate it from strangers or acquaintances, and DEFINITELY NOT from the people that are supposed to love you and care about you.

[Joe]

This post brings up something. It's a fortunate thing for me, I guess, that I've never dealt with abuse of any kind in real life. Never known anyone in real life that's been abused, and never expierenced it myself.

 

However, on IRC here recently I was talking to some girl who was in an abusive relationship, said she had a boyfriend that treated her bad and all this. Said she loved him, and she said he loved her. I tried to tell her she needs self respect for herself and realize that she should leave this guy.

 

She got all upset, at me, saying that she can't. She said "how can you tell me to leave him when you don't know what it's like to go through this". It's sad because they honestly think this guy will change. You know, in my opinion if a guy has been abusive all his life, why would anyone think that he will change? It's who he is, it's who this person has been for their whole life. They won't change, abusive people never changes. We all know that. There might be a rare few that might, but it's unlikely.

 

So in a situation like that, what advice can you possibly give a person? What could I say to them? I mean it seems hopeless, they shout out about they love and crap, but you can't get it through their head that abuse isn't love.

 

It gets very stressful when I tried telling her this.

[sparkle]

Dear Joe,

 

I know exactly what you're talking about. One of the most difficult things I've encountered when it comes to friends' problems is trying to get a girl to leave her abusive boyfriend. I've been through this with two of my friends, and seen many other situations, and most of these girls hardly listen to any advice you can give them.

 

Unfortunately, they usually realize it when it's too late, or they learn the hard way. I had one friend that insisted that her boyfriend loved her and he was a good guy, and she couldn't leave him...until he finally slammed her head through a glass window. I have another friend who refused to do anything and had her head banged against the side of the car, her finger broken, a bloody nose, and internal bleeding from when he punched her. And even then, even after the police were involved, she kept begging HIM to take her back and was the one apologizing to him, and insisted that "HE'S CHANGED NOW".

 

The #1 solution to this is higher self-esteem and self-respect. All girls in these situations have low self-esteem. Think about it. Would any normal girl that respects herself enough allow some guy to physically (or verbally) abuse her? I don't think so.

 

Yes, it is very sad indeed. It always seems as if, no matter what advice we offer them, they will not listen to us. The best thing to do is point out everything and try to get others involved. Try to get another closer friend or brother/sister to talk to her. Try to get a parent or a teacher to help out as well. And in worse situations, the police.

 

Aside from that, only she is the one who can make the decision to leave him.

 

Pretty sad.

[Tony T]

People who remain in abusive relationships are generally those who grew up in abusive families. They learn to equate being treated like crap with being loved. That's all they have every known. They often actually feel uncomfortable and reject those who treat them kindly and with respect.

 

So don't be puzzled if you try to counsel someone who is in an abusive relationship and they reject what you say. They simply don't understand what a healthy relationship is because they have never seen one. They can only understand abuse...something they have been subjected to all their lives.

 

These people are condemned to lives of chaos and misery. But that's where they feel mostly at home. They will never love or care for someone who is kind and gentle to them until someone they "love" perhaps tries to kill them and they are forced into a counselling sitatution where a sharp therapist recognizes the problem.

 

It takes many years for a person who was raised in an abusive family to realize just how abused they were...remember, that's the only semblance of love they know. Once they realize it was abuse, it takes many more years of intense therapy and self-healing to get over the repressed anger and pain of such abuse.

 

The Christian bible says "the sins of the father are visited upon the children of the third...and even into the fourth generation." Until the cycle of abuse is broken and healed, this love/abuse link is passed on generationally.

 

There is no human way you're going to greatly impact that in a chatroom or on IRC. Don't even try.

[WGirl]

I wouldn't marry this man. Usually if someone does something like that before the wedding, it gets worse after the wedding. You don't deserve to be treated like a three year old. He is supposed to be your fiance, not your father. I would postpone the wedding until he stops doing that.

 

Why should you apologize? He should be the one apologizing. Stop apologizing. Tell him to stop treating you like a little kid.

hi, i've never done this before. my boyfriend of 3 years and now my fiancee have a pretty good relationship, but i don't know how to react to his verbal behavoir to me sometimes. i thought it was me over reacting sometimes so i tired to calm down and just not let it get to me, but he's started to get louder in public places and points to me like i'm a 3 year old do something i'm not sposed to. or he says something like "your going home" what is that?

 

and when i try to talk about it we get into another fight. also i've noticed every time we do fight i'm alwaya the one to say sorry or do what ever to get back on good terms. please help before we get married so i can stop this now. thanks

[diana]

Don't be naive, this will definetly get worse, not better and you won't fix it. Be strong-set your bounderies-it is not your fault. Follow your gut instinct, or it will make you crazy. Its called verbal abuse and it will make you crazier and crazier-but you can keep your head if you follow your gut instinct and know in your heart that when he tries to make it your fault, know it is not. Power over you, control-don't let it happen. Good luck-been there.

hi, i've never done this before. my boyfriend of 3 years and now my fiancee have a pretty good relationship, but i don't know how to react to his verbal behavoir to me sometimes. i thought it was me over reacting sometimes so i tired to calm down and just not let it get to me, but he's started to get louder in public places and points to me like i'm a 3 year old do something i'm not sposed to. or he says something like "your going home" what is that?

 

and when i try to talk about it we get into another fight. also i've noticed every time we do fight i'm alwaya the one to say sorry or do what ever to get back on good terms. please help before we get married so i can stop this now. thanks