Is it coming to an end?

[qwerty12345]

I'm in a very emotional and scary position right now and don't know what to do. I've been with my girlfriend for three and a half years and we live together in LA.

 

I have been increasingly distant to her over the last month and a half because I am questioning if I am right for her and our relationship will last long term. We are both from another state and she really wants to move home and be close to her family and to get married. I on the other hand don't want to move back, at least anytime soon, maybe ever. She tells me all the time that she isn't happy in LA and misses her friends and family but she has a great job here (but can work remote) and I just started a new job.

 

I love my girlfriend very much but want to see her happy and I know how much she wants to be home and get married. I'm afraid I wont be able to provide her that happiness she deserves. And honestly, I feel like I am afraid of marriage. I told her how I feel last night and now feel heartbroken because I know she feels heartbroken and like she doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone doubting it and scared to be in it for the long term. I know that she doesn't deserve to be stung along until I decide if I love her as much as she loves me and to sacrifice giving up what I want so she can be happy.

 

I know couples therapy could be a way for us to get past this and work things out but I don't know if we can afford it on our budget together. What should I do? Should I try to go to therapy? Should I let her go and move back home with her family and friends?

[d0nnivain]

Living together or not, I'm a firm believer that if you need couples therapy, then just give up. (I am a firm believer in marriage counseling but to me the depth of the relationships & the amount of work you are obligated to expend to save them are different).

 

 

If she wants to go back to her state & you don't, that will be a deal breaker. You can't sustain a relationship if you can't be in the same place together more often then not.

 

 

Some of the rest are just fears / cold feet. I think you have time to sit & think plus talk to each other about goals & expectations.

 

 

I ended a 10 year relationship because I wanted to get married but he didn't believe in marriage. 17 years later, we'd probably still be together if I had not rocked that boat. There was nothing fundamentally wrong with either of us; we just had different incompatible visions.

[CptInsano]

I know couples therapy could be a way for us to get past this and work things out but I don't know if we can afford it on our budget together. What should I do? Should I try to go to therapy? Should I let her go and move back home with her family and friends?

 

You don't need couples therapy, meaning that this isn't a communication or relationship issue, but is rooted in the fact that you simply have different goals. Therapy will not change that.

 

You were honest with her, and that's a good start, but you seem to have a very clear conflict of interest that cannot be easily resolved. Would you be happy if you moved back to her home state? You have to be honest with yourself answering that question.

[preraph]

There are lots of people you can love but not be with or live with because you don't want the same things in the same place. Just accept it and let her move on.

[Nodnerb]

If LDR works and if you two really love each other...why not try living separately for a moment. You stay where you are and she heads back...its a huge change and huge thing to ask for...but hey, that could be a possibility.

 

If someone wants to marry so much and the other half is afraid, with doubts - the first thing on the former's mind is definitely the lack of trust. You have to understand her perspective and talk to her, tell her that you don't mean it that way.

 

Visit each other etc..if you two love each other, theres always a way for compromise. Do not give up easily even if you seem to not find the answer. Two persons doesn't need to have a single vision or goal, they can combine both or have 2. As the saying goes, 2 is better than 1.

 

Talk to each other calmly

Edited September 8, 2017 by Nodnerb

[mikeylo]

If you haven't reached that place in 3 and half years, you probably never will.Let her go.

[The Urbanyst]

I like to be as brutally honest as possible in my posts because from a big picture standout, no one benefits from BS.

 

Here is the truth: A relationship where two people are not on the same page is doomed. Period.

 

Now, you can always compromise yourself to make it work and move out of LA/get married OR she can compromise herself and stay in LA/not get married.. but it will just eventually lead to resentment because at least one person is not living the life they want.

 

Sorry. Good luck.

[somanymistakes]

Therapy can help you communicate better, but if what you want at heart are different things, therapy cannot change either of you to become the person the other one needs.

 

Sadly, you may need to go in different directions.

[Ronni_W]

I told her how I feel last night and now feel heartbroken because I know she feels heartbroken

You really are not obligated to feel 'heartbroken' just because someone else feels that way, even if it is someone whom you care about a great deal. Yet it is also not that you have any power and authority over her in such a way as you can choose to "let her go and move back home" or choose for her to not do that.

 

The point is that SHE has her own intelligence and free will to make her own choices; YOU are not responsible for her feelings and her experiences.

 

But, you ARE responsible for your own self. What do YOU want in all of this, about all of this, from all of this? Do YOU want to be tied down or do YOU want to feel free to go explore certain things that you could not explore if you are in committed relationship with this particular person or with any person for that matter?

 

You get to say, "What *I* need right now is ______, so, that is what I must do and am going to do. If you can understand and wish me well, then that's great...but if you cannot do that...well, then that's great, too."

 

Your first priority and obligation at this stage of your personal and spiritual growth, is to your own 'Inner Person'. If you yourself have young children for whom you have taken on responsibility by virtue of being their parent, then that's a different matter. But same-generation peers or people of a prior generation are not your personal or spiritual responsibility. It doesn't matter what they threaten you with or if/how they think themselves to be weak, defenseless, helpless, powerless or useless in their own lives. Do not see them that way, do not let them manipulate you into seeing them that way, and do not fool yourself into seeing them that way. (Not that your soon-to-be-ex is going to do that; just saying it as a general thing in life.)

[avvril3000]

No relationship will work out long term if you don't have similar life goals... a similar direction to go down.

 

If you are saying you wanna stay in LA and she wants to move back to her home state, and she wants marriage and you don't.... then it's better to just call it quits now before dragging her along longer because that's worse.

 

It's going to hurt, but in the end, she can move back home and find a man who will be able to give her the life she dreams of.

 

And you can also find a woman, who matches what you want for your life.

 

It's not going to be easy, but if you love her, set her free to be able to get the dreams she wants.

[spiderowl]

It sounds to me like you have avoided paying too much attention to your girlfriend's desires and now they are becoming more insistent you feel the crunch is coming.

 

You don't sound as if you want to get married, even if she stayed with you where you are now. You def don't want to move back to be near her family; you've made that clear. Basically, things have been how you want them, with the exception that she appears to want something different and you want her to be happy.

 

My feeling is that you've stuck with this relationship because it has suited you. Your needs were met; she was compromising. She no longer wants to compromise. I suspect you are feeling anxious and upset because you know she is unhappy with the status quo, she knows now you have doubts about staying together, and she is likely to follow her desire now so you will lose her. You talk about 'letting her go' - in your heart you know she will go and you cannot keep her any longer. The question is are you prepared to compromise to be with her? It doesn't sound like it. It looks like you are both going to have to go your separate ways.

 

By the way, what would you actually lose by going with her? I am sure you are weighing everything up.

Edited September 9, 2017 by spiderowl