kgal Posted August 13, 2005 Share Posted August 13, 2005 I have a situation.. My family doesn't like this guy I'm in love with. I am 25 years old.. and sometimes I feel like I am treated like a teenager. I know they just want the best for me... but I feel they take it too far when they try to tell me who I can and can't love. I mean... it's so bad that it's just getting too hard! How do I get along w/my fam. and still have the man I love in my life? Link to post Share on other sites
suegail Posted August 14, 2005 Share Posted August 14, 2005 If you're 25, you're an adult obviously. They can certainly offer you advice and I have no doubt they will for a long time to come, but at your age they can't or at least shouldn't control your life. Though I would like to say that it does often happen that parents aren't pleased with relationship choices their grown kids make, and they are not always wrong in feeling that way. They may know without a doubt he's not good for you. I don't know that of course, but it could be the truth. Think it over anyway... Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted August 16, 2005 Author Share Posted August 16, 2005 They def. don't want me w/this guy... but I am in love! I feel sometimes they should just back off after voicing their opinion. It's like, sometimes I feel they would do anything just to keep us apart. They tell me I'm making a mistake and they don't want me to ruin my life. This doesn't make it easy on me at all.. and only makes me driven more to be with him. Link to post Share on other sites
clandestinidad Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 Youre quite right...they can tell you what they think, but they shouldnt continue to harass you about it all!! Theyve said they dont think he's good enough for you, and should drop it now! They need to let you make or not make your own mistakes now Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted August 17, 2005 Author Share Posted August 17, 2005 Thanks! I appreciate that post! Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 Have they said specifically what it is about this guy they don't like or why they think he is not good enough? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted August 17, 2005 Author Share Posted August 17, 2005 Yes. They don't like that he's been married b4 and has kids. They think I'm getting myself into something I'm not prepared for. Link to post Share on other sites
Tiggerlove Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 At 25, do you want to be raising someone else's kids, and dealing with his ex-wife for the rest of your life? At your age, you should be wanting to build your own family with your future husband, not helping out on raising his. I side on your family on this one. They just don't want to see you get hurt. No matter what you believe, his kids will come first before you (hopefully), and there will be times he will be with his ex-wife when you don't really like it. Your folks are just trying to keep you from getting hurt by that kind of situation. They want to see their daugher find a man who can care and cherish her and their kids without interruptions by his OTHER family. If he was a smart man, he would be with his wife and working things out the best they could for the kids sake. (unless either one of them were abusive to the children or eachother.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted August 17, 2005 Author Share Posted August 17, 2005 I appreciate your post, Tigger.. but I love this man. It's hard to side w/my family when I am only wanting to be with him right now. I think they can only voice to me how they feel.. it is up to me to make the decision. Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 A few years back I would tell you to live your life and not worry about what the family thinks. But my family was not to keen on my g/f at one point either. They told me she was not right for me and they really wished I would reconsider. I chose to ignore them and asked her to marry me. Again my family raised all the red flags they could in order to convince me I was making a mistake but I continued on ward with out their blessing. 6 months into my marriage I found out they were right and in less than a year I was divorced. Your family has your best interests at heart and as hard as it may be to acknowledge what they are saying because it goes against the love you feel for this guy.....you might want to look further into what they are saying. It is your life and ultimately the decision is yours and they will get behind you once you make up your mind. But pay attention to any red flags those that love you raise because it often means they see something you are too close to see. Do you have any concerns about this guys kids and taking on that responsibility should you guys get married? Is the relationship with his ex/kids mom a good one because she will be in the picture always. Not every one is use to having their spouses ex coming around on regular basis. How do you feel about that? Instead of resenting what your family is saying, stop and ask yourself the same questions and concerns they are pointing out. Link to post Share on other sites
clandestinidad Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 yeah...now I'm re-thinking what I said since he was married and has kids. Can you tell us why they arent together anymore??? And who has the kids?? And does he spend time with them?? We need to know details....b/c there might be HUGE red flags in those details. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted August 18, 2005 Author Share Posted August 18, 2005 It was 7 years ago that they divorced. He admitted to me early in our conversations that he cheated on her.... She has the kids. He sees them whenever he wants, though. I know to most ppl this seems like a big "WOAH!" but I have to say that after knowing him and loving him for over a year... I haven't let his past interfere w/us. He also told me how he deeply regretted the pain he caused his family.. and he repented for what he did. So..okay... go ahead and let me have it... Link to post Share on other sites
suegail Posted August 18, 2005 Share Posted August 18, 2005 Well, I would just say don't do anything right away - what i mean is don't make any big decisions right now having to do with long time commitment. There is no rush anyway, is there? I have no doubt he is sorry for having cheated on his ex wife, but I can say it is a fact that unfortunately people will repeat mistakes they've made in relationships. Men (or women for that matter) who cheat are almost always sorry, but usually not sorry enough to change their behavior. Just take plenty of time... Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted August 18, 2005 Share Posted August 18, 2005 Tudor beat me to it, almost to a word. Same here. A few years ago I would have said "it's your life, live it the way you see fit," and I guess I do. I mean, you and you alone are responsible for your own happiness and success in life, as well as your own failures and misery. But I've learned from experience not to be so idealistic. There's the real world, and sometimes, the real world isn't so simple. In my case, we never married, but I did end up moving in with her for about six months in an unofficial engagement. Fortunately, a few events - which at the time I thought were unfortunate - turned out to be fortuitous, and it placed me in a situation where I realized that I was not with the right person. At the time I thought it was just bad timing but I'm convinced now we just weren't right for each other. And the thing is, my family called it all along. They didn't want me getting married to her, and they told me I was making a mistake. I didn't want to listen, either, but now I kinda wish I had. Similar circumstances, too. A child from a previous marriage, which was not the real problem, by the way - wonderful little kid. But it was just too complex, and things got f*cked up along the way, and having a kid made things even more complicated for me. I won't say kids are 'baggage', because they're not, they're children. But they are definitely an extra load, and I think it is better for the child if someone has some experience working with kids, either as a parent or in some other capacity. Kids have special needs. And that's saying nothing of how they're going to react to you living there. What if he/she doesn't want you there? Ever think about that? Guess who's gonna win if that's the case. It won't be you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted August 22, 2005 Author Share Posted August 22, 2005 Hmm... you all have good points. I have been taking things "slow".... Some mornings I wake up and I really feel that distance... I will always think, "Does he still love me?" I feel like I am too slow getting back to where he is... and my worst fear is that he will get sick of waiting and move on to somebody else. I know he has his kids and I love how he fathers them. The kids do not bother me one bit. I know that me living w/him (if that ever happens) would have to first mean that the kids approved. He hasn't told them anything except that we are friends. I feel that maybe he's not going to tell them we are more, unless he knew it wouldn't hurt them. I feel it would hurt them, personally. I can imagine being their age and having a single father... I guess my biggest hope would be that he came back to live with my Mom and my siblings. I just have tried to put myself in their shoes. I don't want to hurt them.. or cause pain to them. I just think they would really really have to like me in order to accept their Dad and myself... A part of me feels that he's taking his time... I don't even know if he's thinking of long-term w/me. I have asked him if he sees himself marrying and having kids in the future... something he never gave me a straight answer on. He's just like "Lets just see what happens and not worry." I need to know, though! I don't want to waste my young 20-something's on him if he won't commit. I guess I am confused right now. Link to post Share on other sites
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