Deal Breakers....when/how?

[WinterGreen]

I'm a hetero male where I'm new to this forum. I couldn't find any introduction section, so I just thought I'd post my query here.

 

My query is about Deal Breakers, or Non-Negotiables, or whatever term you may care to use. Everybody has them, where they can be as wide and diverse as books in a library. My query is not at all what the Deal Breakers might be....but the when/how of raising them.

 

When considering all this, some things are really obvious, where you don't (or rarely) need to ask anything. e.g.:

 

Physical appearance and attraction.

Smoker?

Drinker? If so, how much?

Personality.

Good hygiene.

etc.

 

These things above are all really easy to figure out, but there are other issues you just can't figure out unless you actually ask. Just no other way around it.

 

Financial issues?

Certain hobbies/interests?

Do you have/want kids?

Certain religious/social/political views?

Health problems?

Strong opinions on any issues?

The list could go on and on....

 

I'm not saying any of these things above are necessarily deal breakers for me, but just trying to show how wide a variety of issues can be involved.

 

The reason I'm asking this is because the majority of discussions about dating and relationships are geared around online dating - photos, profiles, etc. I've used online dating in the past and had a number of relationships, but this is not a road I'm going down again. Not looking to rubbish online dating, not at all. In fact I think it's great that it's available....just not for me. So any queries or issues that need to be sorted out with someone, it will need to spelt out in person - plain and simple. Not by messaging online.

 

Also, I know there are people that are totally opposed to the concept of deal breakers, and often ridicule those that look to discuss the issue. If people take offence about the whole issue of deal breakers even being discussed, that's fine, I respect their opinion....but I'm not looking to read about it here. But at the same time, I'm not looking at unfolding a list of demands and prerequisites the moment I've just said hello. Oddly enough, I've been on a number of first dates where the women I've met have immediately started reeling off a list of "must's" and "must not's", before even taking the first sip of beer (or wine). Needless to say these dates didn't last very long, nor was there a follow up.

 

But when considering the when/how of deal breakers....somewhere between (after) a first date and months down the track....surely there has to be some sort of reasonable guide to go by? And like I said above, online dating is off the table. When considering dating and relationships....just people getting along in general....the one thing I've found is that women are million-and-one miles ahead of we mere, mortal males, when it comes to being intuitive and getting a feel for different people, different situations, where things are at, etc. For we guys? We need to have things spelt out in black and white, or it usually goes straight over our heads.

 

The real core of this whole issue is you don't want to offend anyone, but at the same time you don't want to get deeply invested, only to hit a brick wall months down the track. This seems really simple, but in reality it's anything but.

 

The whole when/how of raising deal breakers....I'd appreciate any thoughts or experiences.

[Gaeta]

I know my deal breakers, and I have deal-breakers I don't know I have yet.

 

Deal breakers change and evolve with the relationship.

 

My big deal breakers I address early in dating. No I don't sit down and list my deal breakers, I simply ask casual questions about their alcohol habits, drugs, their idea on monogamy etc.

 

Then there are the deal-breakers I didn't know I had till I faced a problem and decided this is a deal breaker for me. I remember dating a man for 3-4 months who didn't laugh at all at my jokes, he never laughed at anything, spending time with him was like heading to a funeral home. Well, I didn't know it would be a deal breaker till I got faced with it.

 

You also have the deal breakers you cannot verify. A man can tell me he's not a cheater and never cheated, I won't know till I date him long enough to confirm he's loyal.

 

So, there is just so many deal-breakers you can deal with early on. You still need to date and invest your time. There is no short cuts.

[d0nnivain]

In my experience you present a better picture if you focus on the things you do want & have to offer a partner rather than listing a bunch of negative deal breakers.

 

By definition somebody who writes I enjoy quiet evenings at home probably views party people as deal breakers. Similarly loves to travel & really enjoyed climbing Mt Everest last year isn't going to be thrilled with an overweight couch potato smoker.

 

It's best to rule out what you don't by expressing what you do want in positive terms.

[WinterGreen]

I know my deal breakers, and I have deal-breakers I don't know I have yet.

 

Deal breakers change and evolve with the relationship.

 

My big deal breakers I address early in dating. No I don't sit down and list my deal breakers, I simply ask casual questions about their alcohol habits, drugs, their idea on monogamy etc.

 

Then there are the deal-breakers I didn't know I had till I faced a problem and decided this is a deal breaker for me. I remember dating a man for 3-4 months who didn't laugh at all at my jokes, he never laughed at anything, spending time with him was like heading to a funeral home. Well, I didn't know it would be a deal breaker till I got faced with it.

 

You also have the deal breakers you cannot verify. A man can tell me he's not a cheater and never cheated, I won't know till I date him long enough to confirm he's loyal.

 

So, there is just so many deal-breakers you can deal with early on. You still need to date and invest your time. There is no short cuts.

 

 

Truly appreciate your reply - thankyou. When considering all this, I do my utmost not to offend or upset people. Not just referring to dating, but friends, work, out in public - anyone and everyone. I just don't like upsetting or offending anyone.

 

What you said here:

 

You still need to date and invest your time. There is no short cuts.

With certain things, I most certainly agree. You do need to invest some time, because as you said:

 

Deal breakers change and evolve with the relationship.

Could not agree more. There are things about yourself, in regards to a relationship, that you can't always be sure about from the get go. But what you've mentioned here:

 

My big deal breakers I address early in dating. No I don't sit down and list my deal breakers, I simply ask casual questions about their alcohol habits, drugs, their idea on monogamy etc.

All people have things they really want cleared up as early on as possible, not waiting weeks (or months or years). An obvious example would be kids, but there may be any number of other issues you view as important. But here's the thing - women are so very much better at reading people, situations, etc., than we mere, mortal males. It's not to say that we men have no clue, but overall women are so much better at getting a feel for things and getting information, and often in a much more subtle (clever?) way. Intuition, I guess you could say. We males are a long way behind.

 

But in regards to what I quoted just above, if you are indeed trying to address big deal breakers early in the dating....that is a very broad canvas. Early is like saying "soon". I am not at all interested in reading off a list to a potential partner, not at all. But if you are trying to get an idea about things....casual chatting and conversation....and you feel the person is being evasive - you lean towards spelling things out, or more towards thinking "this person has something to hide" and/or "they're just not for me?"

[WinterGreen]

In my experience you present a better picture if you focus on the things you do want & have to offer a partner rather than listing a bunch of negative deal breakers.

 

By definition somebody who writes I enjoy quiet evenings at home probably views party people as deal breakers. Similarly loves to travel & really enjoyed climbing Mt Everest last year isn't going to be thrilled with an overweight couch potato smoker.

 

It's best to rule out what you don't by expressing what you do want in positive terms.

 

Thanks so much for your reply.

 

This bit here....

 

rather than listing a bunch of negative deal breakers.

 

....this is precisely what I wish to avoid doing, as much as possible. And what you've said here....

 

It's best to rule out what you don't by expressing what you do want in positive terms.

 

....that's a very good way of looking at/dealing with it. Like I've said previously, I tend to think women are so much better than we mere, mortal males at reading people, situations, etc. "Intuition", I guess you could say.

[WinterGreen]

I know my deal breakers, and I have deal-breakers I don't know I have yet.

 

Deal breakers change and evolve with the relationship.

 

My big deal breakers I address early in dating. No I don't sit down and list my deal breakers, I simply ask casual questions about their alcohol habits, drugs, their idea on monogamy etc.

 

Then there are the deal-breakers I didn't know I had till I faced a problem and decided this is a deal breaker for me. I remember dating a man for 3-4 months who didn't laugh at all at my jokes, he never laughed at anything, spending time with him was like heading to a funeral home. Well, I didn't know it would be a deal breaker till I got faced with it.

 

You also have the deal breakers you cannot verify. A man can tell me he's not a cheater and never cheated, I won't know till I date him long enough to confirm he's loyal.

 

So, there is just so many deal-breakers you can deal with early on. You still need to date and invest your time. There is no short cuts.

 

Totally as an aside, but I'm absolutely head-over-heels about Canada - particularly BC (British Columbia). Very much hope to visit, or even move there. The terrain/flora/conditions around the coastal regions of the Pacific NW (mainly during Winter)....beyond words. Nothing untoward meant, but the terrain in that region is just beyond words. e.g.:

 

http://static1.squarespace.com/static/5450114ce4b02417e0e47967/54501371e4b02417e0e4810d/54baba94e4b00aad29d89120/1421523978057/Website_1800_TheReaper.jpg?format=1000w

 

https://photos.smugmug.com/Landscapes/United-States/Washington/i-P9GdbCf/0/663a36f5/M/HopeOfLightInHohRainforest_30x20-M.jpg

 

http://c8.alamy.com/comp/E1X1RM/snow-covered-douglas-fir-pseudotsuga-menziesii-and-ferns-cathedral-E1X1RM.jpg

 

All this sorta thing above?

#1 (to 10) on the Bucket List.

[WinterGreen]

Another way of looking at things is assuming you're not being rude or abrupt....just trying to get an idea without being abrupt. You maybe asking things like:

 

 

"What's your take on ....?"

 

"Do you like ....?"

 

"What do you think of ....?"

 

 

But it becomes apparent the person is evasive. This sort of thing....it does happen. Do you continue trying to politely "tease out" whatever it is you're trying to ask or discuss, or do you just view this more of a sign that this isn't going anywhere?

[CptInsano]

Aside from the advice already given, I would suggest keeping the list of deal-breakers small initially, and only include the ones you are really sure about, but be very firm on those. Early on in life I confused deal-breakers with just not being my type.

[Gaeta]

If you have tried in different ways to get information out of a lady and she seems to avoid the topic then ask a straight out question. If you still are not getting satisfaction than I suggest you discontinue dating her. Relationships are built on honesty and clarity, if she cannot offer it the odds are against you right from the start.

[WinterGreen]

If you have tried in different ways to get information out of a lady and she seems to avoid the topic then ask a straight out question. If you still are not getting satisfaction than I suggest you discontinue dating her. Relationships are built on honesty and clarity, if she cannot offer it the odds are against you right from the start.

 

Appreciate the reply. Well taken on board.

Edited September 9, 2017 by WinterGreen