Children being used as a tool

[regretfollows]

I made a horrible mistake and had an affair. I am not here to debate that. I know what I did was wrong and regret my choices immensely. I own this and will take the beating for the rest of my life. I do want to save my marriage, however.....

 

My wife who moved out (and has filed for divorce), took the our 3 children and decided to tell them about all the details of the affair and has turned them against me. She won't let me see them and has instructed them to only talk to me if they want to. I pay for their phones and can text them. They ignore my texts of love and support and reply with how horrible of a person I am.

 

Now, I might be a idiot for my mistake. Might be a crappy husband, but I have not been anything but a supportive and loving father.

 

I feel she is using our children as a support system for herself. Dumping the details of our marriage issues on the children seems like an unfair burden to young children. They are being forced to pick sides.

 

At this point I am eager to get the temporary orders in place so I can start the long road to repairing my relationship with my children. I think I need to enroll them into counseling. This is really sad. Has anyone had to deal with this? Will the judge look negatively on her for parental alienation and disparaging comments? I have documented everything. Including my

Edited September 9, 2017 by regretfollows

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

How old are the children?

[regretfollows]

They are still too young to know the details. 14/12/8

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

They are still too young to know the details. 14/12/8

 

Well, that's debatable (as you will find as more people respond). The 14 year old is probably old enough for some of the details (i.e. you cheated). 12 year old questionable....8 year old probably not old enough. But, of course if you tell one, all 3 will find out.

 

Parental alienation is never, ever ok, but there is a lot of debate around whether or not it's ok to tell kids about infidelity. My personal opinion is that it is never OK to saddle children with adult problems, no matter what they are, and even though you were a cad as a husband, your children still have every right to think their dad hung the moon. The tricky part comes in when "honesty" is discussed. It's a highly controversial topic.

 

Depending on where you live, the 14 year old might be old enough to make their own decision about whether to see you or not. I think counseling is definitely in order for all 3, and definitely your ex-wife. They know now what you did. She needs to knock off any further bad-mouthing you to the kids because it's only going to hurt THEM even if her motivation for it is to her you.

 

I have a girlfriend in a similar situation as your ex wife. She also has three kids (all a bit older than yours but still in school) and they want nothing to do with their father. She does not "bad mouth" him, but she has told them exactly what happened (was difficult to keep it a secret because of who the other woman was) and they've made their own teenage decisions. Could my friend be doing more to facilitate a good relationship? Probably. But, it's not entirely her "fault." Kids feel betrayal, too . Truth be told, sometimes I have felt jealous that my own kids did not react strongly at all when they found out their dad cheated on me. Kinda hurt my feelings! But, I am glad they have a good relationship with him since, like I said before, they deserve to think he hung the moon even though he DID NOT (I say with gritted teeth!).

 

I hope your ex wife is getting some help to deal with the betrayal, anger and resentment so the kids won't suffer any more than they already have .

[Fdb]

Very sorry for your situation. Should do the counseling for your kids. Otherwise, their mind, love and trust can be twisted. Be there for them regardless, use the action to prove to them that you do not love their mom anymore, but you never stopped loving them.

[Popsicle]

Just yesterday I heard a therapist on a radio show tell a caller who was in this same situation to tell the kids and other family members that "a situation that is out of my control has arisen and has caused me to leave the marriage" and to not give any more details. I agree with this. This is not to protect the cheater from wrath, but to preserve the relationships that the kids have with their dad and keep them out of the ugly mess. Obviously you wife decided that you deserved to not have your kids or their love anymore, and some BS's feel this way, but I disagree with it. Yes, you will have to get the courts involved and she will have a rude awakening.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Just yesterday I heard a therapist on a radio show tell a caller who was in this same situation to tell the kids and other family members that "a situation that is out of my control has arisen and has caused me to leave the marriage" and to not give any more details. I agree with this. This is not to protect the cheater from wrath, but to preserve the relationships that the kids have with their dad and keep them out of the ugly mess. Obviously you wife decided that you deserved to not have your kids or their love anymore, and some BS's feel this way, but I disagree with it. Yes, you will have to get the courts involved and she will have a rude awakening.

 

Totally agree. Not everyone will! But, I do agree.

[Marc878]

When you step out on a marriage you have zero control over the outcome.

 

Legally she can't keep your kids from you. Get an attorney

[mrs rubble]

My ex husband bad-mouthed me repeatedly to our son, he was angry and bitter towards me. I took him to counselling, which really didn't help much. In the end I let my son live with him full time (I had legal custody) and after about 18months he walked 15kms to my house aged 11, and said he never wanted to go back to his father's. He's nearly 19 now and has had very little to do with him since that day. He does have a great relationship with his paternal grandfather instead though and the two of them play darts together once a week and never invite his dad.

[road]

They are still too young to know the details. 14/12/8

 

They are not to young to know.

 

They should of been told that moms and dads do

not have BF's/GF's. Well dad had a GF, her

name is __________ and he went out on dates

with her. What dad did is known as having an

affair.

 

Now the 12 and 14 year old are old enough to

know what sex is and thus old enough to be

told just that. Dad had sex with the OW.

 

This is telling the kids the full truth without

giving details.

 

Now your BW alienating your kids is illegal

so time for you to lawyer up. Though a judge may

not force the 14 year old to see you. The 12 yo

because of being close to age to the older one

may take her lead and not want to see you.

 

The judge will most likely make the 8 yo see

you.

[road]

When you step out on a marriage you have zero control over the outcome.

 

Legally she can't keep your kids from you. Get an attorney

 

Not black and white issue.

As the kids hit the teens the courts

often listen to the kids wants when

making these decisions.

[phyllos]

It is not okay for your wife or anyone else to tell a minor child the details of why mom & dad aren't together. Just because they "may" have heard of what sex is, that doesn't mean they completely understand it, or the dynamics of marriage/relationships yet. It is only going to harm them emotionally to introduce grown-up issues that they are not yet equipped to comprehend or deal with. Shame on your wife.

 

Given that your wife told them details to garner sympathy or try & turn them against you, you should focus on your relationship with them to the extent that you can, and focus on getting a good lawyer who can guide you. And yes, the judge will consider the fact that she moved out first, and the fact that she is attempting to alienate you from your children. You have equal rights to your children. Fight for them. Just because she is their mother, doesn't mean that she is more of a parent than you.

 

Don't beat yourself up about what you did. The past is the past. You can't change it. What you can do now is fight for your fair share of your parenting rights. If you need to have a private conversation with each child to try and smooth things over with them, use language that they will understand without giving too much detail and explain that their mother is angry with you, but that it has nothing to do with them and that they should form their own opinion, not just listen to what others say. That goes for everything in life. Make sure they know how much you love them & that the entire situation has nothing to do with them, that none of them did anything wrong.

 

Good luck to you. I'm sure this is a terribly difficult situation for you. You must fight now. Do not give in to every demand out of guilt about the past. If you do that, you will lose out. Keep it together and do what you need to do.

[regretfollows]

It is not okay for your wife or anyone else to tell a minor child the details of why mom & dad aren't together. Just because they "may" have heard of what sex is, that doesn't mean they completely understand it, or the dynamics of marriage/relationships yet. It is only going to harm them emotionally to introduce grown-up issues that they are not yet equipped to comprehend or deal with. Shame on your wife.

 

Given that your wife told them details to garner sympathy or try & turn them against you, you should focus on your relationship with them to the extent that you can, and focus on getting a good lawyer who can guide you. And yes, the judge will consider the fact that she moved out first, and the fact that she is attempting to alienate you from your children. You have equal rights to your children. Fight for them. Just because she is their mother, doesn't mean that she is more of a parent than you.

 

Don't beat yourself up about what you did. The past is the past. You can't change it. What you can do now is fight for your fair share of your parenting rights. If you need to have a private conversation with each child to try and smooth things over with them, use language that they will understand without giving too much detail and explain that their mother is angry with you, but that it has nothing to do with them and that they should form their own opinion, not just listen to what others say. That goes for everything in life. Make sure they know how much you love them & that the entire situation has nothing to do with them, that none of them did anything wrong.

 

Good luck to you. I'm sure this is a terribly difficult situation for you. You must fight now. Do not give in to every demand out of guilt about the past. If you do that, you will lose out. Keep it together and do what you need to do.

 

Thank you for the feedback. Yes the guilt has caused me to be in a fog and not clearly see the damage being done to my children. I have hired a attorney as of last Friday. They are going to respond and showing the courts what she has been doing. She left the house and has hid them from me. I logged every single event on a spreadsheet with my kids communications and the ignored emails to my wife requesting access to my children.

Edited September 11, 2017 by regretfollows

[Raena]

She has every right to be upset with you. She's probably not thinking clearly about how to handle this right now and is doing the only thing she knows how... get back at you by telling the world what you did. It isn't much different than what I see people telling betrayed spouses on here to do... expose the affair. Hopefully she'll get some help and after a period of time realize that it isn't worth it to carry that kind of hatred around. That will take time though, lots of time.

 

I hate that she has alienated your kids from you. The only thing you can do at this point is to keep trying to be there for your kids. Even if they ignore you and don't respond to your messages, there is a good chance they see what you write to them. So keep writing to them. When children are being surly, you don't just ignore them. You keep trying even if they aren't listening. Eventually they will listen.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The only thing you can do at this point is to keep trying to be there for your kids. Even if they ignore you and don't respond to your messages, there is a good chance they see what you write to them. So keep writing to them. When children are being surly, you don't just ignore them. You keep trying even if they aren't listening. Eventually they will listen.

 

Great advice.

[regretfollows]

She has every right to be upset with you. She's probably not thinking clearly about how to handle this right now and is doing the only thing she knows how... get back at you by telling the world what you did. It isn't much different than what I see people telling betrayed spouses on here to do... expose the affair. Hopefully she'll get some help and after a period of time realize that it isn't worth it to carry that kind of hatred around. That will take time though, lots of time.

 

I hate that she has alienated your kids from you. The only thing you can do at this point is to keep trying to be there for your kids. Even if they ignore you and don't respond to your messages, there is a good chance they see what you write to them. So keep writing to them. When children are being surly, you don't just ignore them. You keep trying even if they aren't listening. Eventually they will listen.

 

She has every right! I agree. I don't blame her one bit for her anger towards ME. Take it out on me!! I will take the beating all day long. But the second you cross over and use the kids as your emotional support and turn them against their own father just to hurt me is where I stop feeling guilty and start feeling anger myself. She does not recognize the long lasting repercussions that she will also have to deal with.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She has every right! I agree. I don't blame her one bit for her anger towards ME. Take it out on me!! I will take the beating all day long. But the second you cross over and use the kids as your emotional support and turn them against their own father just to hurt me is where I stop feeling guilty and start feeling anger myself. She does not recognize the long lasting repercussions that she will also have to deal with.

 

I really hope she will be getting some counseling to help her manage this destructive behavior .

[phyllos]

Regretfollows- Exactly man. That's crossing the line into vindictive-ville and there's no fighting fair when the other person is willing to use your innocent children against you to hurt you. They're your kids for life and she may not even realize it now, but they could actually hold that against her later when they're old enough to have worked everything out for themselves. Good idea, the note-taking and cataloguing of events. Make sure you date everything for easy reference also. I agree with the idea that you should just keep writing the kids, even if they aren't answering you or saying horrible things back to you. They're just angry at the situation and trying to process something they don't completely understand. Take your time and make your way. Stay intent and fight the good fight. Stay on the high road, don't let anyone bring you down to behaving the way they want you to. Don't slip. Just focus.

[MJJean]

She didn't turn the children against you. You did that when you had an affair and betrayed their mother, the marriage that produced them, and irrevocably changed their lives. This is all on you. Had you not been in an affair, she'd have had nothing to tell.

[sandylee1]

I imagine the children asked why they were leaving the home. She told them daddy cheated.

 

They get upset and decide they don't want to see you. She says that's okay then.... they don't have to speak to you if it's going to upset them.

 

Exactly what has she done wrong in this situation?

 

Affairs can have terrible consequences.

 

No sex with anyone is worth having your children not want to see you.

[regretfollows]

I imagine the children asked why they were leaving the home. She told them daddy cheated.

 

They get upset and decide they don't want to see you. She says that's okay then.... they don't have to speak to you if it's going to upset them.

 

Exactly what has she done wrong in this situation?

 

Affairs can have terrible consequences.

 

No sex with anyone is worth having your children not want to see you.

 

That would be understandable if that was as cut and dry as you describe it. However, that is not what happened. She didn't tell me or the kids why she was leaving the home until she got to where she was going. Then she pulled the plug and went to work on programming our children. She didn't just say I cheated. She went into the details of the affair with all the children. Then proceeded to lie to them of how I am keeping them out of the house and how I am the one causing them to lose all their friends. She also told them additional lies about things just to garner favor. She has also illegally kept my kids from me. I have rights as a father, no matter how bad of a husband I might have been, parent alienation is abuse and no child should be used against another parent. My wife could have punched me and run me over with the car and I still wouldn't bad mouth her in front of our children.

Edited September 17, 2017 by regretfollows

[carhill]

Formidable enemy. Hammer her in court and continue to behave as the loving father you are to the children. Hone your compartmentalization skills. Never forget women are the networking and manipulation experts. Don't lose hope. One day at a time. Two long-time male friends, now over three decades, fought the battle and won either joint or sole custody by being just as brutal and manipulative as the woman. Goes against male instincts and everything a man believes about women but she's no longer a woman. She's the enemy. An enemy who stole your kids and is brainwashing them.

 

Also, beware she can and will lie to gain the upper hand. In her mind you are dead, or will be soon. You cheated. You're nothing. Once you accept the real, you can move forward. She's already proven her intent by her actions. Your move.

[stillafool]

I imagine she feels that helping your kids to dislike you is the best revenge since you don't care about her. I agree that kids should be aware that the problem is between the spouses and that the wayward spouse will always love and be there for the kids. Not that he is divorcing them but the mother only. I remember spending the night with my cousins when I was a little girl and their father (my uncle) was having an affair. I remember he came home with a bag of fresh donuts for us kids but my aunt wouldn't let us eat any of them because he brought them. I was mad as hell.

[regretfollows]

I imagine she feels that helping your kids to dislike you is the best revenge since you don't care about her. I agree that kids should be aware that the problem is between the spouses and that the wayward spouse will always love and be there for the kids. Not that he is divorcing them but the mother only. I remember spending the night with my cousins when I was a little girl and their father (my uncle) was having an affair. I remember he came home with a bag of fresh donuts for us kids but my aunt wouldn't let us eat any of them because he brought them. I was mad as hell.

 

The unfortunate part is I do care about her. I made a mistake and am human. I do want to save the marriage and keep my family together. However, that could be my downfall as she will never want that and will seek to destroy me. Carhill said it best, accept that I am dead to her and prepare for war.

[stillafool]

The unfortunate part is I do care about her. I made a mistake and am human. I do want to save the marriage and keep my family together. However, that could be my downfall as she will never want that and will seek to destroy me. Carhill said it best, accept that I am dead to her and prepare for war.

 

Actually, I can't blame her for not wanting YOU back but it is unfair to the kids to turn them against their father. They still need you.