Should I "leave" the man I've been cheating with?

[micky93]

Please note this is a long and complicated situation, there might be a few run on sentences.

 

In 2014, I went on my first job interview after college. The very handsome owner happened to be doing them that day and we realised we recognised each other from an anonymous naughty site we'd been speaking to each other on(very embarrassing). I obviously got the job, after about six months of field work he offered me a position working in one of his 3 offices; filing, billing, insurance verification ect. Which then started the many days of office sex, dates, higher pay ect. He wanted alot too fast , I had alot of personal things going on and I pulled away, and eventually meet someone new. In 2016 I made the choice to leave the man id been with and become a single but happy mom (best decision ever). Me and "J " eventually got back in touch and began reconnecting, I always knew he'd been dating but I had no idea initially it was a committed on again off again relationship of now 6 years.

 

However once I knew , I still kept seeing him (which is wrong never [done] before) Over a year goes by and though neither of us likes the situation, whenever either of us tried to end the relationship some way it wouldnt happen. It was always made clear that we could never truly be together because I felt I could never trust him to be faithful to me and he doesn't want to have wasted his long term gfs time( yes I know...)

 

Backround info* he's in his early 30s I'm in my mid 20s. We've always seen each other several times a week( not just for sex). We take trips together, He payed my tuition to continue my education. Helps me study.We talk several times a day.Spending a few days at a time at his home. He's been supportive to me with my children and my mentally disabled older brother I care for. When he went into the hospital I sat with him for days ( goiter the size of a grapefruit in his chest removed and his thyroid -lupus) laughing, bathing him ect. His long term gf doesn't like dealing with sick ppl so didnt bother come once. He also almost died in 2015 and the gf left him when the doctor told her he might not make it - and has since stopped being intimate(i looked through his phone and he told me)-Not that justifies him cheating now. Also the sex is very satisfying, yes thats important to me.

 

Moving on we maintained the mutual understanding that this was just temporary. So in April/ May I meet a very handsome police officer "M" and hes great instant connection. I let him know upfront that I have been dating someone but it wasnt a "realtionship" just a relationship... He was fine with that and we get to know each other. A few weeks later M feels that we can really potentially be something and would like to date exclusively to see where it goes. I let J know that it was time for our relationship to come to an end and that I've meet someone who i feel might be all Im looking for. J didnt take it well, he was jealous ,emotional, critical ect. Though he kept saying he know he seemed ridiculous since he wont give me the commitment I deserve, but he couldnt help how he felt.

 

That week he started checking on me more, always wanting to know what i was doing, where I was, asking if id be willing to take one more trip with him to vegas, became almost suffocating ect. Heres the good part- ofcourse the next week I find out Im pregnant for J.(was in between iud's and we werent as careful as we should have been yes he knew I wasnt on any bc he took me to take it out) So I'm devastated. J made it clear he didnt want a child or to lose his long term gf. We argued, cried, ect.

 

Neither of us wants a baby, however I've had an abortion in the past and it was a very horrible experience physically and mentally and I wont do it it again. I could never birth a child and give it up. So i told J I'm having it and his behaviour got worst. Hes depressed, always negative, sometimes even point fingers at me for this mess. When i found out I was expecting I let M know , and he actually said that it wasn't a deal breaker for him and was still interested. However I told him that I wouldn't ask that of him since I'm trying to figure all this out myself and we parted ways. Fast forward to the present, I'm now four months along and J is still behaving poorly, though we still talk everyday we only see each other once or twice a week and hes still on the whole " shoulda coulda woulda thing".

 

He comes to all the appointments and is still supportive financially but hes very negative ,sad, and worried about having to tell his long term gf. Hes now very regretful about our relationship, but when i mention that since he "feels" that way we can just stop seeing each other- he says things like "thats not issue at this point" and still wants to see me. About two weeks ago M reached back out to me and made the offer of being with me and signing the birth certificate when the baby's born (we've never been intimate). Im not sure what to say to him.

 

We live in a big city , M and J dont know each and good men are hard to come by. J always says he doesnt want or want to raise this baby and his feelings wont change. But he also says how he would never allow another man to raise his child - so Im confused as to what I should do? Do I continue with J and hope he comes around? Or Do I cut ties with him and give M a chance to pick up where we left off?

Edited September 10, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and further edit for language

[Space Ritual]

There is no picking up where you left off..[]

 

None of this is complicated at all....you've made some pretty terrible choices, and now you are simply beginning to feel the consequences for them. Although I doubt if you've seen the worst of the consequences yet.

 

I imagine one or both of these guys will throw you under the bus when the time comes. Because considering the games you've been playing a guy would be a total fool to sign a Birth Certificate without a DNA test where you are concerned. So you will be told anything by them to placate you into not spilling the beans until they dump you for good and deny ever knowing who you are.

 

It will be a deal breaker for M, and it already is for J. You just haven't figured this out yet.

 

I am afraid this is going to be the price you pay for your dalliances. So your best option right now would be to batten down the hatches and see a lawyer because the nightmare of your own making has not even really started.

 

Sorry for the Pessimistic view but this is about as good as it is going to get for you with these 2 guys. Both of them are going to run for the hills when they realize they have far more to lose with you around, than they do with you not around. Seek legal help. You are probably going to have to fight to get one or the other's name on that Birth Certificate.

 

You are made to order when it comes to these guys bailing on you, which they both will eventually. If these guys are whom you portray them to be, you are easily replaceable with someone who has a hot body and isn't pregnant.

Edited September 10, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[sandylee1]

I think you should definitely leave J. I'm not sure about diving into a relationship with M, but he sounds like a nice guy.

 

J is quite selfish and hasn't treated you well. He wants you as a lifetime OW. ...don't be that and see this as an opportunity to break free from him.

[pumpkinpie1]

Good heavens, what a mess you've created. Your poor poor child.

 

Good men don't cheat on their girlfriends..J is not a good man. And is he truly delusional enough to think that his girlfriend won't find out about the baby? He's not only a bad person but a very stupid one.

 

Is J willing to sign away his parental rights? If not, you and your child will have him hanging over your heads for the rest of your lives. He can always request a DNA test and reclaim his paternal rights.

 

You barely know M and he's willing to put his name on your baby's birth certificate? That sounds weird and shady to me. What's his angle?

 

The smart thing to do is to stop sleeping with/dating J, either put his name or nobody else's name on the birth certificate, and focus on your child rather than your dating life.

Edited September 10, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post.

[micky93]

I think you should definitely leave J. I'm not sure about diving into a relationship with M, but he sounds like a nice guy.

 

J is quite selfish and hasn't treated you well. He wants you as a lifetime OW. ...don't be that and see this as an opportunity to break free from him.

Thanks for the advice.

[anika99]

Have you considered that maybe you shouldn't be with anyone at this point. Sometime being single and getting one's own life in order is the best choice.

 

It sounds like J thinks his gf is going to find out and kick him to the curb and therefore he wants to keep you on as his back up plan. I bet if his gf decides to forgive him he will just stay with her and even if he doesn't he's always going to resent you.

 

You don't the other guy all that well yet. He can say anything he wants but it doesn't mean it's true. And really whats with a guy who is so eager to date a woman pregnant by another man and so wiling to raise that guy's kid? Does he have some sort of knight in shining armor complex?

 

You can take J to court for child support and I would suggest you do so, however there is no guarantee that either guy is going to stick around and be a father. Prepare to be a single parent.

[Starswillshine]

Stop seeing J. Unfortunately, he will be in your life for a long time. He needs to tell his girlfriend. He cannot keep that under wraps forever.

 

As far as new guy... you cannot pursue a true relationship with him while still in an affair with J. And you need time to get over that mess. As far as him signing the BC, no, just no. Maybe his suggestion is completely noble, but the cynical part of me wants to know what's his angle. I would think this sounds an awful like something a MM would say to manipulate some feelings.

[Origin]

Take care of your baby and if J shows up you can decide what to do.

 

Take care of yourself first thou.