About to start a trial separation!

[Monty82]

Hey everyone,

So this is a doozy as I'm sure most cases are for ppl in these situations. I want to give you as much detail as possible from both sides as to get some good insight. Hopefully you don't find it too long and you can share your thoughts.

 

So my wife and I met 5 1/2 years ago online.

Things were a bit slow to start off as I was being cautious after not having a really successful dating life due to me being depressed and inward.

I am from another country and was in search of a person I could love.

When we decided to be exclusive we moved a bit faster. After 6 months we decided to travel Asia for 4 months So after about 10 months we moved in together to save. It was exciting and we loved each other a lot. It had a few tough moments. She is very self aware and open and I'm the opposite. It took her a while to crack me but it felt good.

 

I liked to drink and get black out and came home a few times and was not cool. Not physical but verbal saying she was trying to control me. That wasn't the case as I know she was only caring about me and wanted me to be safe.

So then before out trip she wanted to sponsor me and I wanted to propose to her at the end of the trip as I would know if we could survive an intense 4 month travel adventure together we would be solid.

One thing sped that up though. I had a record from another country and never declared it, so an immigration lawyer said we should get married to help our app.

 

This stressed us out as our hand was being played for us. We wanted to get married on out own terms. But we went ahead and did it and it was a great day and our trip became our honeymoon which was a great success.

Some things happened on our trip and my wife developed severe anxiety. It did affect out travels but I was there for her as best I could. Then we came home.

I went back to work and she started her own business. It was tough at the beginning but she became very successful and still is. I'm so proud of her. The anxiety though was a problem. We were very lucky to then buy a house. It's amazing. She went on an ssri to deal with the anxiety. It was tough on our sex life as she had no feeling.

I was supportive and helped her the best I could.

 

Last year I started a new job. I work in construction. My hours became insane. I became miserable. We got life insurance for the house and the doctor told my wife that she was border line diabetic. It really freaked her out. She wasn't morbidly obese but had a few pounds on. I'm even guilty of that.

She started changing her diet and working out like crazy and lost over 50lbs.

I was so proud of her. She looks amazing but I was so over worked and stressed I didnt give her the attention she needed. I got lost in my photography and running while she was changing her image, dying her hair and growing her business meeting ppl al the time.

 

She started getting attention off other men and made an emotional connection with a man. She was totally open about it and told me. She was still on the meds and dealing with her anxiety that I didn't lose it. I let it go and told her not to worry.

She appreciated it at first but then was upset that I didn't get mad and felt that I didn't care.

It wasn't true. I did care but I trusted her and didn't feel threatened by him but it has played a big part in what has happened since. Nothing physical happened and I believe her.

 

I got more stressed about work, she got more attention and I was blind to the disconnection.She came off her meds then about 6 months ago so tells me she wants to take a break and try having an open relationship. She had grown a connection with her old boss and had feelings for him.

I was in total shock. I was so hurt and confused. It was so hard. I started going to therapy and have since gone down the route of self exploration and awareness. It's incredible. I tend to get angry but I know anger is only a reaction to deal with a feeling I don't like.

 

We split for about a month but I wouldn't let up. I kept at her and she realized she did not want anything to do with her old boss. It was a fantasy she made during a time of crisis. We mended a bit in June and we were doing great till about 2 weeks ago.

She told me again that she had been flirting with a guy by texting and she feels so guilty about it and wants space again to see what she really wants going forward.

We are about to split for 10 weeks. We are seeing a therapist and considering seeing him during the separation.

I feel that with all the change we went through and her changes she craves the attention she didn't get as a teen and young adult who did suffer from an eating disorder for 6 years.

 

It is hard as I know she's a kind person who has told me everything but I feel she is going through an identity crisis.We love each other, love spending time together, we have a great sex life after she came off the meds. She just has this voice telling her to go be free in her new body with her new successful business meeting new ppl all the time travelling to do photoshoots everywhere.

 

She also sees herself being with me forever and having a family and all the good things but she can't shake the other voice/feeling she has.

A part of me tells me to walk away but I also wanna stay in and exhaust every avenue to be sure whether or not we should split for good or stay together. She wants to do the same but I cant help but feel she is using the trial as a means to have a guilt free escapade and I'm the safety net if she realizes I'm what she wants.

That's remains to be seen and she knows she's taking a risk as it's been going on for a while now and she needs to seek it out and see which version of her she wants to be.

Anyway thats the jist of it. I am by no means guilt free in the scenario but I love her and it's so confusing and emotionally draining.

Thoughts???

Please and thank you!!!

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

It sounds like your spouse's head and heart aren't in the marriage, however she likes being married to you, generically.

 

If I had to revive a time-worn cliche, it's she loves you but isn't 'in-love' with you.

 

Our MC opined that people usually separate to get divorced. We weren't an exception.

 

What's your separation agreement? Dating, sex, therapy, finances, etc.? Get it worked out. A lot can happen in 10 weeks.

[somuchfortheone]

Hey everyone,

So this is a doozy as I'm sure most cases are for ppl in these situations. I want to give you as much detail as possible from both sides as to get some good insight. Hopefully you don't find it too long and you can share your thoughts.

 

So my wife and I met 5 1/2 years ago online.

Things were a bit slow to start off as I was being cautious after not having a really successful dating life due to me being depressed and inward.

I am from another country and was in search of a person I could love.

When we decided to be exclusive we moved a bit faster. After 6 months we decided to travel Asia for 4 months So after about 10 months we moved in together to save. It was exciting and we loved each other a lot. It had a few tough moments. She is very self aware and open and I'm the opposite. It took her a while to crack me but it felt good.

 

I liked to drink and get black out and came home a few times and was not cool. Not physical but verbal saying she was trying to control me. That wasn't the case as I know she was only caring about me and wanted me to be safe.

So then before out trip she wanted to sponsor me and I wanted to propose to her at the end of the trip as I would know if we could survive an intense 4 month travel adventure together we would be solid.

One thing sped that up though. I had a record from another country and never declared it, so an immigration lawyer said we should get married to help our app.

 

This stressed us out as our hand was being played for us. We wanted to get married on out own terms. But we went ahead and did it and it was a great day and our trip became our honeymoon which was a great success.

Some things happened on our trip and my wife developed severe anxiety. It did affect out travels but I was there for her as best I could. Then we came home.

I went back to work and she started her own business. It was tough at the beginning but she became very successful and still is. I'm so proud of her. The anxiety though was a problem. We were very lucky to then buy a house. It's amazing. She went on an ssri to deal with the anxiety. It was tough on our sex life as she had no feeling.

I was supportive and helped her the best I could.

 

Last year I started a new job. I work in construction. My hours became insane. I became miserable. We got life insurance for the house and the doctor told my wife that she was border line diabetic. It really freaked her out. She wasn't morbidly obese but had a few pounds on. I'm even guilty of that.

She started changing her diet and working out like crazy and lost over 50lbs.

I was so proud of her. She looks amazing but I was so over worked and stressed I didnt give her the attention she needed. I got lost in my photography and running while she was changing her image, dying her hair and growing her business meeting ppl al the time.

 

She started getting attention off other men and made an emotional connection with a man. She was totally open about it and told me. She was still on the meds and dealing with her anxiety that I didn't lose it. I let it go and told her not to worry.

She appreciated it at first but then was upset that I didn't get mad and felt that I didn't care.

It wasn't true. I did care but I trusted her and didn't feel threatened by him but it has played a big part in what has happened since. Nothing physical happened and I believe her.

 

I got more stressed about work, she got more attention and I was blind to the disconnection.She came off her meds then about 6 months ago so tells me she wants to take a break and try having an open relationship. She had grown a connection with her old boss and had feelings for him.

I was in total shock. I was so hurt and confused. It was so hard. I started going to therapy and have since gone down the route of self exploration and awareness. It's incredible. I tend to get angry but I know anger is only a reaction to deal with a feeling I don't like.

 

We split for about a month but I wouldn't let up. I kept at her and she realized she did not want anything to do with her old boss. It was a fantasy she made during a time of crisis. We mended a bit in June and we were doing great till about 2 weeks ago.

She told me again that she had been flirting with a guy by texting and she feels so guilty about it and wants space again to see what she really wants going forward.

We are about to split for 10 weeks. We are seeing a therapist and considering seeing him during the separation.

I feel that with all the change we went through and her changes she craves the attention she didn't get as a teen and young adult who did suffer from an eating disorder for 6 years.

 

It is hard as I know she's a kind person who has told me everything but I feel she is going through an identity crisis.We love each other, love spending time together, we have a great sex life after she came off the meds. She just has this voice telling her to go be free in her new body with her new successful business meeting new ppl all the time travelling to do photoshoots everywhere.

 

She also sees herself being with me forever and having a family and all the good things but she can't shake the other voice/feeling she has.

A part of me tells me to walk away but I also wanna stay in and exhaust every avenue to be sure whether or not we should split for good or stay together. She wants to do the same but I cant help but feel she is using the trial as a means to have a guilt free escapade and I'm the safety net if she realizes I'm what she wants.

That's remains to be seen and she knows she's taking a risk as it's been going on for a while now and she needs to seek it out and see which version of her she wants to be.

Anyway thats the jist of it. I am by no means guilt free in the scenario but I love her and it's so confusing and emotionally draining.

Thoughts???

Please and thank you!!!

 

 

I think a separation is a good idea.. the time apart will either help your relationship or give you clarity and the knowledge that this is over.

 

 

Where in Asia, if you don't mind me asking. I grew up in Taiwan.

[Monty82]

Welcome to LS.

 

It sounds like your spouse's head and heart aren't in the marriage, however she likes being married to you, generically.

 

If I had to revive a time-worn cliche, it's she loves you but isn't 'in-love' with you.

 

Our MC opined that people usually separate to get divorced. We weren't an exception.

 

What's your separation agreement? Dating, sex, therapy, finances, etc.? Get it worked out. A lot can happen in 10 weeks.

 

Yeah I get that feeling too. She's really confused and it kills her that she's doing this to us.

Hence I want to ride it out to make sure. I can walk away but it will leave a big question mark over everything. She has sabotaged her previous relationships in the past too. I know she's not happy with herself as her life has been one big complaint whether about her weight her image her value as a worker/person etc. Until she is happy with herself she's gonna keep doing destructive things me in the picture or not.

We are not going to actively seek dating or sex but it's not off the table should a situation present itself. We are hoping to continue therapy while separated. Financed stay the same. We are a unit in more ways than one.

[HarmonyDriven]

We are hoping to continue therapy while separated.

 

I think this is a good thing.

 

I definitely think your wife was searching for attention post losing weight and exercising. If married people aren't meeting each other's needs, they sometimes will go outside the marriage to find it.

 

Maybe in the upcoming weeks, you could possibly lose some weight, start some exercising, etc....feel and look better too?

 

Since there will be a 10 week separation, might be a good opportunity to work on yourself and show her you are serious about the marriage.....almost like meeting her again for the first time.

 

Good luck

[PegNosePete]

She started getting attention off other men

You know, this is extremely common. Many women who lose weight, overcome mental problems, have cosmetic surgery, or another such change in their life, end their relationships soon after. The fact is they had low self esteem, and only stayed with you because you accepted them. And when they get over their issue, they realise they are desirable, and want to try out others. Even though you're the nicest guy in the world, they want to play the field because they feel they have been missing out on so much because of their weight / anxiety / body issues / hair colour / whatever.

 

This is why my number one rule in dating is: don't date fixer-uppers. When you fix them up, they will move on.

 

I'd really recommend you get a copy of "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover (it's available as free download). I think you'll find it very enlightening.

 

tells me she wants to take a break and try having an open relationship.

Oh COME ON. This is a terrible thing for her to say. She's basically saying she wants to have her cake and eat it. She wants to go ride some other guys and come back to good old Mr. Faithful afterwards.

 

Taking a break and having an open relationship are mutually exclusive. How can you have an open relationship if you're on a break? And, an open relationship is an absolutely terrible idea if you don't have a strong solid bond, and both want it. Clearly you don't want that. She's basically asking permission to have sex with a bunch of other guys, but come home to you at the end of the day.

 

I cant help but feel she is using the trial as a means to have a guilt free escapade and I'm the safety net if she realizes I'm what she wants. That's remains to be seen and she knows she's taking a risk

You have hit the nail on the head my friend. But, what risk is she taking? The risk that you won't be her safety net? Come on. She has you wrapped around her little finger. There is no risk; she knows you'd take her back in an instant if she snapped her fingers, no matter what she had done with any other guys.

 

And that is why you are powerless here.

 

We are not going to actively seek dating or sex but it's not off the table should a situation present itself. We are hoping to continue therapy while separated. Financed stay the same. We are a unit in more ways than one.

WTF! "Situation present itself" what does that even mean? She was just hanging out in a bar and a guy hits on her? Come on friend WAKE UP. She is going to totally go out on a single sex-fest as soon as your "break" officially begins. You are kidding yourself if you believe she will wait for situations to just happen on their own. She will be out looking for situations right away - if she doesn't have them already planned, that is!

 

Finances stay the same, I assume that means you're funding her new promiscuous single lifestyle?

 

Man - you need to WAKE UP here. You need to tell her that she is either IN or OUT of this relationship, and that she needs to decide right now. She has had plenty of time to think about it. She doesn't need therapy or to find herself or experimentation or any of this "trial" rubbish. She needs to give you a final answer and you need it TODAY. If she doesn't give you one then it means she's OUT.

[Monty82]

You know, this is extremely common. Many women who lose weight, overcome mental problems, have cosmetic surgery, or another such change in their life, end their relationships soon after. The fact is they had low self esteem, and only stayed with you because you accepted them. And when they get over their issue, they realise they are desirable, and want to try out others. Even though you're the nicest guy in the world, they want to play the field because they feel they have been missing out on so much because of their weight / anxiety / body issues / hair colour / whatever.

 

This is why my number one rule in dating is: don't date fixer-uppers. When you fix them up, they will move on.

 

I'd really recommend you get a copy of "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover (it's available as free download). I think you'll find it very enlightening.

 

 

Oh COME ON. This is a terrible thing for her to say. She's basically saying she wants to have her cake and eat it. She wants to go ride some other guys and come back to good old Mr. Faithful afterwards.

 

Taking a break and having an open relationship are mutually exclusive. How can you have an open relationship if you're on a break? And, an open relationship is an absolutely terrible idea if you don't have a strong solid bond, and both want it. Clearly you don't want that. She's basically asking permission to have sex with a bunch of other guys, but come home to you at the end of the day.

 

 

You have hit the nail on the head my friend. But, what risk is she taking? The risk that you won't be her safety net? Come on. She has you wrapped around her little finger. There is no risk; she knows you'd take her back in an instant if she snapped her fingers, no matter what she had done with any other guys.

 

And that is why you are powerless here.

 

 

WTF! "Situation present itself" what does that even mean? She was just hanging out in a bar and a guy hits on her? Come on friend WAKE UP. She is going to totally go out on a single sex-fest as soon as your "break" officially begins. You are kidding yourself if you believe she will wait for situations to just happen on their own. She will be out looking for situations right away - if she doesn't have them already planned, that is!

 

Finances stay the same, I assume that means you're funding her new promiscuous single lifestyle?

 

Man - you need to WAKE UP here. You need to tell her that she is either IN or OUT of this relationship, and that she needs to decide right now. She has had plenty of time to think about it. She doesn't need therapy or to find herself or experimentation or any of this "trial" rubbish. She needs to give you a final answer and you need it TODAY. If she doesn't give you one then it means she's OUT.

 

Thanks for your insight. I may have gotten the open relationship/break thing mixed up in my post. She wanted an open relationship first but i refused. Then a break came into it. We are still in the same house and are always talking about things.

Last night over dinner we disscussed more. You see for her it's not a sex thing. I believe her to some extent but I can't control what she does nor do I need to be ok with it.

She is not good with change and has been freaking out about all the change we have gone through since we got back from our trip over two years ago.

I also was getting drunk taking the odd drug here and there when I promised her I wouldn't, breaking on to highrise building rooftops for my photography, getting lost in my photography and not listening to her when she asked me to stop. Last st Patrick's day I came home drunk and called her a controlling mf and said some nasty things.

All of this had her reconsider our relationship and my ability as a potential father to her kids.

It scared her and checked her out of our marriage. Since then I have stopped drinking. Gone to therapy and started some down a path of improvement and change in my life. That's why she's still here. She has seen the change but is confused because of all the things in the past that pushed her away.

If I were that same person now as I was for most of our relationship we'd be done.

So on the way home I told her straight up. You are the maker of your own destiny. Basically if you start sleeping with men I won't be coming back from that. Why should I. She didn't like that. She didn't like the boundary. She back tracked a bit and said she wants to see if being alone is what she wants right now. She wants to miss me for the right reasons. Not just for someone to have dinner with and hang out. We can do that with anyone.

We are going to therapy on Thursday and I'm gonna make it more clear. I'm not being a doormat anymore. I'm exhausted from all this.

As regards to the finances she now matches me in respect to income. So she can find her own crap. We just share everything, have joint bank accounts and ccards.

It's a ****ty situation but I see someone struggling with herself and who she is. I am prepared for the worst but I need to make sure.

[PegNosePete]

We are going to therapy on Thursday and I'm gonna make it more clear. I'm not being a doormat anymore. I'm exhausted from all this.

Great, you seem to have your head screwed on right. Don't back down on your boundaries. You need to make it clear that you're not OK with her sleeping with other guys even during your separation, and the same goes for flirting, texting, and encouraging attention. If she does, you walk. You should clearly define the rules of your "trial" separation, and what will be the success or failure criteria. Don't agree to anything you aren't comfortable with.

 

As regards to the finances she now matches me in respect to income. So she can find her own crap. We just share everything, have joint bank accounts and ccards.

Great! If I were you I'd close the joint account and start paying for everything separately. If you're doing a "trial" separation, at least make it a true trial of what life will be like if you're separate. She will presumably be moving out? Not fair for you to be funding 50% of her single lifestyle through a joint account.

[Monty82]

Yeah that's all gonna happen on Thursday. She needs an ultimatum. Even her dad who doesn't want to give me advice against his own daughter said it to me. She won't like it. But I'm gonna let her know that if she gets physical with somebody that's it. So technically on Thursday if she's not ok with that she may as well end it there and then and not bother with the trial and just get legally separated and not bother with therapy.

The trial is about us getting some clarity and finding out who we are and what we want while we are alone. Not going and exposing ourselves to situations of flirting and things.

She's become addicted to the attention and thrill of new encounters and ppl validating her and her image through compliments and showing interest.

Look i can go out and do the same quite easily but I don't want that. I fantasize about other women but I don't do anything.

She's like someone who's addicted to a drug and as soon as she's out of rehab she back on it.

 

The finances are gonna stay as is though. We are incredibly intertwined financially. Codependent even. It's how it is. I'm not worried about money or property. We have agreed everything get split down the middle if we split for good.

I'm moving out as the sublet we got is slanted and she got vertigo in the last crooked house we lived in so as crap as things have been I don't want her to go through that again. .

[Monty82]

I think this is a good thing.

 

I definitely think your wife was searching for attention post losing weight and exercising. If married people aren't meeting each other's needs, they sometimes will go outside the marriage to find it.

 

Maybe in the upcoming weeks, you could possibly lose some weight, start some exercising, etc....feel and look better too?

 

Since there will be a 10 week separation, might be a good opportunity to work on yourself and show her you are serious about the marriage.....almost like meeting her again for the first time.

 

Good luck

 

 

Thank you. Yeah all the signs are there if someone who can't deal with the changes she's going through. I have been running half marathons and long distance a lot so I'm in pretty good shape.

Starting a gym routine. When she sees me at the end I'm gonna be completely different both internally and externally. It's not the means to save my marriage I know that but it's not all about her either. I need to do things for myself.

Edited September 11, 2017 by Monty82

[ayoung73]

I think you’re right, keep the therapy going throughout the breakup, I don’t believe you should walk, if you love her and it sounds like she loves you, don’t give up! Keep working at it, I don’t care what anyone says, you’re doing the right thing and when I was given the choice I had a booming voice yelling at me to run away, but I love her and I saw the love for me, so I stayed feeling foolish and my reward, 16 years of marriage and a love surpassing all of my expectations. It was hard, two years of struggling, but worth it. Also, use this time to get yourself together, you mentioned your responsibilities for the current state of your marriage; well, clean up your mess, work on yourself, your self-esteem, keep going to counseling, and maybe find another job where your time isn’t so divided and allows for more time with your wife. Have you guys ever talked about working together within her business, is there something you could do?

[DKT3]

Be careful of setting a template. From the outside it appears your wife has a pattern. She seem ok to have emotional connection but not physically. So enter the break or time apart. Once the urge is satisfied back she comes. I don't know your situation, but to me that's what it sounds like.

 

Now, I personal think breaks and time apart is BS. But since she wants it then you should take advantage. I don't mean run out and sleep with everyone, but live like you're single. Make choices and decisions that benefit you individually and not as a couple. Gain some emotional distance. Failure to do so will leave you open to be hurt more.

[PegNosePete]

The trial is about us getting some clarity and finding out who we are and what we want while we are alone.

What does that even mean? It sounds like a load of old gibberish to me. Did you come up with that, or did she? (I bet you a choc ice I know the answer to that question already)

 

You need to define EXACTLY what the objective and rules of separation will be, in practical terms. No psycho babble or rubbish about "finding yourself". If she can't find herself, buy her a mirror.

 

Not going and exposing ourselves to situations of flirting and things.

That's what you think, and she probably agreed to it. But guess what, I'd bet my bottom dollar that as soon as you're separated and you're not looking over her shoulder 24/7, she is going to be out living it large and using her new body, self confidence and attraction to its full extent. And of course she has the perfect response. "Oh I just went to a bar for a drink. I wasn't looking for anything. It just happened - like we agreed - so you should be OK with it"

 

She's become addicted to the attention and thrill of new encounters and ppl validating her and her image through compliments and showing interest.

Right. So what do you think will happen when she is separated from you? Her addiction will suddenly be cured? Or she will be free to act upon whatever impulses she feels? What do you do with someone who is addicted? Put in place measures to prevent them relapsing, or just allow them free reign and resources to go out and buy all the drugs they want? She won't be "in rehab", she'll be on the streets with a pocket full of cash. Do you think that will end well?

 

The finances are gonna stay as is though. We are incredibly intertwined financially. Codependent even. It's how it is. I'm not worried about money or property. We have agreed everything get split down the middle if we split for good.

Do you have that in writing? Don't be a sucker my friend. That will change instantly as soon as she decides she doesn't want you back. You need to line up your ducks here. SEE A LAWYER. Many lawyers do a free initial consultation and you can get a whole load of free advice tailored to your individual circumstances. Even if you get back together you will have lost NOTHING by seeing a lawyer now. It's really win-win. DO IT.

 

I'm moving out as the sublet we got is slanted and she got vertigo in the last crooked house we lived in so as crap as things have been I don't want her to go through that again. .

COME ON!!!! She wants a separation so YOU are moving out? What kind of sucker are you?

 

I totally take back what I said about your head being screwed on right. It's almost falling off. You need to WAKE UP here. You're bending over backwards to give her everything on a plate. You need to read No More Mr Nice Guy as I suggested above, ASAP!

Edited September 12, 2017 by PegNosePete

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, where did I read that a trial separation asked for by a spouse is euphemism for permission to bang others away from prying eyes. OP, if you go through with the separation you can bet your bottom dollar your marriage is as good as over. You may as well usefully use the time to consult a lawyer, get your ducks in a row and have your D papers ready to serve your wife because she is not coming back. You cannot save a marriage singlehandedly, she has to be on board all the way. Anything else would be like having a set of blinkers on. Most folks on here have given you sage advice. Heed it. Warm wishes.