Adolescent Child Won't Open Up

[mrs rubble]

I had an extremely challenging time with my youngest son, he too had an abusive and manipulative father and our divorce and custody issues, were a lot like yours. My son lived with his dad for about 18months, before coming back to me.

I took my son to several counsellors, the very last one was the guy that awoke the change in him.

He was put in special education (for naughty kids) and the director of the place was a deaf psychologist, he was very patient with the kids (I think not being able to hear them helped!!-the place was like a circus) and discussed their issues calmly and explained complexities of peoples behaviour with them.

This got my son very interested in psychology, he read my university text books on psychology and diagnosed himself as having a borderline personality disorder, he diagnosed his dad with the same!!Haha!! (His dad was actually diagnosed officially when he was younger but his mother doesn't believe in labelling people so ignored the diagnosis.)

From then on my son has worked very hard on himself so that he "never becomes like his father"

 

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is there may be hereditary conditions your daughter has picked up from her father, residual trauma from her time with him and that sometimes you need to try different counsellors or therapists until you find someone who can gel with her.

Edited September 13, 2017 by mrs rubble

[coolheadal]

Somewhere there isn't enough parenting for this child. Who had all this time sounds like the husband now you have a damage child. She has turned to animals but doesn't take care of them. Hmmm, she lacks what you haven't shown her yet how to take care of non-personal things like life forms. How to take care of ones self. Show her and teach her until it sticks in her mind. Stop trying to be her friend your her mom act like one!

[HisDaughter]

I am very sorry! The possibilities of what could be the reasons why your daughter behaves the way she does are countless. Maybe she struggles with shyness or some learning disability. Or, maybe she is very sad. Maybe she behaves the way she does because she is very innocent. I do not know what is happening inside her but I am glad that you thought of counseling. It could be that she needs it for a longer time. It could be that there is not much a very big problem that is affecting her. One thing that could be helpful for you is to walk outdoors every day. I’ve been told that that helps us a lot in many senses. Physical activity could be very helpful for both you and your daughter, even for bonding. There are gyms and recreation centers that offer activities for families. Walking outside together does not involve paying money so, that is always a nice idea. Demanding that she talks or pressuring her to talk may not be always a good idea because it could make her feel worse. Maybe she longs to be left alone with her thoughts for some time. A diary that she can know with great assurance that no one will read could be very helpful too. Maybe one day she could invite you to read it. Another idea is doing crafts together. The two of you could do crafts like jewelry-making. It would be nice that you sit with her and do not demand that she talks. Coloring is also very helpful. There are many fun coloring books and very nice coloring pencils kits. Also, you could try reading a book to her and invite her to put her head on your lap. Someone who is a professional can provide you professional guidance. I have some ideas that could help or not help at all. But my hope is that things improve a lot and that you yourself make sure you are doing well. Your daughter will benefit a lot if you give her hugs often. May God guide you and bless both of you!

[preraph]

It's NOT normal to forget to take care of a pet. She just knows you'll do it. I took care of the horses my whole childhood and no one had to ask me if it got done.

 

Maybe a different counselor would be better. She's no doubt traumatized by everything that has gone on and it just seems like family counseling is in order to talk all that out together and to be sure you are handling her in the right way. When a kid is having problems, it's the whole family's issues as a rule. If you don't change, she won't change. So you need family counseling to sort out the dynamic.

 

For daily chore type stuff, I recommend you just get one of those dry erase boards and make a schedule and have her check off once she's done her chores.

[norudder]

I'm experiencing similar with my 9 yo daughter. Her 7 yo sister is very open emotionally, empathetic, socially outgoing, etc. It is quite a contrast. My eldest was old enough to remember her dad and I divorcing which I think had a bigger impact on her. He uses sarcasm, shame/belittling, anger and yelling alot in his parenting. Both my daughters complain dad is "mean", not just for the usual reasons like making them do chores or homework. Its had an impact on her self esteem. Prepubescence is a tough time for confidence even when coming from a more emotionally stable base. She likes to play solo, has a great imagination, but I have to strongly limit screen time, remind her about hygiene, is very competitive/judgemental of others and herself, normal conversing can be a struggle, and she's had some socially awkward mannerisms at times (using weird voices, etc).

 

I've found positive reinforcement helps, even if she resists, trying to be that safe space and nonjudgemental, she needs recognition and to feel special. When we have lots of quality time doing something together she will open up a bit more, especially if I dont "push". When she's had a lot of positive female influence and bonding (a week vacation when my mom and sister visit for example) she exudes more confidence. But I feel like it can be two steps forward one step back when their dad undermines that confidence. Thankfully thats not an issue for you. I wonder about adhd and will be discussing that with her dr and teacher in the future. I want her to be able to have rich, emotional connections with others and not struggle with intimate relationships which I see being a possibility if she remains "closed off". We also have recently started counseling which I hope will help (maybe try another counselor). Did she have to change schools? That can be another stressor to be conscious of and give time.

 

I cant call out my kids for not cleaning their room when I have a basket of clothes at the bottom of my bed that havent been put away in 3 days or yell at them for taking too long to get ready when I overslept and am the reason we're running late. I've been guilty of these but have tried turning it around and had good results (naturally).

 

You may have to be consistent for quite a while to undo any emotional damage and scaring and rebuild her sense of safety and esteem. I read in romantic relationships for every negative comment/criticism there should be 5 appreciative or uplifting ones to keep feelings of affection, I think we can apply the same concept of parents. We spend so much time saying "no" and correcting or disciplining, which is necessary and gives them guidance but we cant forget the other side of teaching our kids, girls especially, to believe in themselves and their strengths. Reframe things with positivism and encouragement (for yourself too) as much as you can and like others said, set the example for her. Hopefully it gets better for both of you!