Girlfriend of 3 Years Broke Up with Me to Find Herself

[pistachiogatorade]

My now ex-girlfriend broke up with me about a month ago.

She's 23, I will be 24 this month...

 

We were together for 3 years and 2 months. We met each other on our second year of college, lived together for 6 months, and spent most nights sleeping over at each other's places.

 

We were both each other's first love and first serious relationship.

We had both one sexual experience before each other our relationship, but we both didn't enjoy it.

 

We are both also the cheesy romantic types so I guess that explained that.

 

How it Happened:

She told me we should meet up in the week to have a conversation about what we can do to improve our relationship or talk about how we are feeling in life. I thought this was fine, as we were recently trying to communicate better and we were both feeling really down about life getting at us.

But come a couple days later, she met with her mom and texted me that we needed to have a serious conversation about our relationship, and that she didn't want to blindside me.

I ended up calling her a bunch until she answered (I know, bad...) and she spoke about ending it while we both cried over the phone. We still agreed to meet up in person to talk one more time, kinda about why...

 

Her main reason was, she was not ready for a relationship and that it's not fair to me because I am giving my all and that I deserve more. She also added she doesn't even know what to do with herself. She wanted to find herself.

 

I believed this because she had trouble finding hobbies and spent all her time with me and otherwise Netflix. I had no trouble having me-time when she was hanging with friends and family, but she was always so bored and depressed alone and wanted to do something with her life.

 

We were both depressed about life after college.

That we were both struggling to find personal hobbies that were not with each other.

We did spend time with friends, but we always wanted to come back and hang together, even cancelling with friends cause we wanted to just stay in and cuddle.

She got really sad when I told her all the hobbies I wanted to do (Mixing music, creating a symphony based on math and logic etc).

She says things like, "Why can't I do something like that? How come you know what you want to do?"

 

Just recently she was also struggling more with a career and wanting to move out of her parents place.

She also showed the same attitude towards my career and said I was so lucky and she should know what she wants to do too.

She always compared us in that regard, but it's not fair because I was lucky to be far in my career with prior internships and experience.

 

She also wanted to experience adulthood on her own. She never had an apartment to herself and never lived outside the dorms beside sharing an apartment with me.

She was always insecure about doing things herself and didn't like that she was so lost when I had ideas about getting something done, it made her feel less adult. (IE fixing clog in sink, asking to see rest of lease before signing etc)

 

I believed all of the above because I know she was struggling with all that. BUT, she began asking me why didn't I see the red flags. I asked her what, and she only brought up the one big fight we had, that we had recovered from and had worked on more than a year ago. The fight was her feeling inadequate and taking it out on me. (My friend helped move our stuff from our apartment out and I introduced her family to him, she yelled at me saying she should have done that and didn't know why she didn't at all)

She said she couldn't think of any others...Even though she said there were a lot.

 

She went on to say she hated all her friends and wanted to make some new ones.

She wanted to start wearing make up and try new things.

She wanted to get a new job, make enough money to move out of her parents place because she got sick of them.

 

It doesn't help that all her friends and especially her mom is bored with life and wants to know what else is out there.

Her mom is probably going through a mid-life crisis since she goes out all the time, is bored with life, wants to do something interesting, never does it, and complains about it.

 

She said there wasn't anyone else, and I believe that too since she is really quiet and shy.

Plus, during our relationship I've always told her before that I was fine if we had an open relationship on her end to flirt/**** other guys but she always said she hated the idea.

Admitting that she only imagines me, even if I like that other idea. She found it hot a couple times, but cried that I even bring it up because she only wanted me.

I think I only liked the idea since she wasn't very sexual at all.

 

She said she probably won't date for a long time until she is ready and is more independant.

She also told me if a future boyfriend doesn't want me around, he'll probably be gone.

Since we shared so much together in terms of interests and personality and everything...Like what?

 

The Final Words:

She said she wanted to stay friends after 6 months no contact. Then corrected herself and said when I am ready...

I asked her if there's a chance in the future, and she said she didn't see a future with us.

The thing is we always planned to get married, have kids, named the kids, how many, wanted to get a dog, and were even looking at apartments in the last few months.

 

She literally made me a month long gift of encouraging letters and pictures for my certification test for my career the month before.

She already made future plans to do stuff together..and the previous weekend prior to the break up, she had me at her family camping trip with all her extended family.

 

What happend to the girl that was head over heels for me?

Calling me, texting me all day, wanting to spend every minute together, always grabbing my hand and cuddling, always flirting with me.

She still did all of this literally a couple days before our break up. She was incredibly loving towards me every second til the break up.

 

She was a bit cold during our talk, but warmed up to at least a friend level.

When we parted, she gave me a long hug and started bawling. I told her, "I'm sorry. Thank you for everything. I love you"

Which she repeated immediately before I can finish each sentence and she just cried.

 

Throughout everything during this talk, I told her I support her and this is her decision.

Told her she knows how to reach me and that I will also work on myself.

 

During the talk much earlier before the goodbye, she said she'd talk to me to give me my stuff back like hoodies etc.

That hasn't happened yet either...Also her room is filled with gifts from me like all her photos, stuffed animals, gifts, and other memories.

 

My question to those on this forum...

What the **** happened? I'm hurting like hell. I was her only source of happiness away from all those other stressors and she chose to get rid of me?

I've been reading on this GIGS thing but I'm just so lost. I loved this girl and we planned our futures together. I was going to propose the following year...

 

We used to text all day. Call most nights. Spent nights together. Made each other gifts all the time. And we were sincerely happy together.

I get that she wanted to become independant, but is there no hope?

 

I'm trying to move on but some days I just want to sleep and cry.

I used up all the money I was saving for our wedding/house for car since mine broke down. I rearranged my room, picked up dance and vocal lessons, getting lasik, and now working out again.

 

I'm trying to let go and know I shouldn't hang on to reconcilliation, but I have to know, is there a chance she'll come back? Everything seems so extreme all of a sudden.

 

TL;DR:

- She's 23, I'm 24 this month

- She didn't know what to do with her life (Hobbies, Career, Independance)

- My hobbies/career wasn't making her feel any better and only served as a reminder as I'm pretty far in my career already and have ideas about potential hobbies.

- She doesn't like her friends and wants to make new ones

- She is annoyed with her family and wants to make enough money to live by herself

- I seemed to be her only source of happiness and she didn't have an identity outside our relationship

- She wants to start wearing make up

- She wants 6 months NC, or when I am ready to be friends??

- Bawled and said I love you when we said goodbye

- Hasn't given me my stuff back

Edited September 11, 2017 by pistachiogatorade

[bummer]

What the **** happened?

I get that she wanted to become independant, but is there no hope?

I'm trying to let go and know I shouldn't hang on to reconcilliation, but I have to know, is there a chance she'll come back?

 

I'm really sorry this happened to you.

 

What happened? She realized that she wants to explore and expand herself as you stated. It probably is a bit of GIGS but a more holistic version where she want's to expand her entire world, not just her relationship. So likely she does care for you, but needs the space to really find who she is, without you. This was not overnight as it seemed. Likely the last year or more since leaving school the doubts were growing and she was trying to figure out if she should leave. All the last minute loving details were window dressing to convince herself.

 

Is there hope? Sure. How much and when and why are ENTIRELY outside your control. That's why NC will be your best friend and help to a speedy recovery. I hope you do all the things you are working on and take your time. It's no race to heal, and harboring false hope will only hold you back. You may find, with time, that you too were naive about what the relationship was and where it was going.

 

I wish you the best of luck getting your stuff back, but hope you forget about it if she doesn't return it soon. Good luck!

[PegNosePete]

she said she'd talk to me to give me my stuff back like hoodies etc.

You should sort this sooner rather than later. It's always best to do it ASAP otherwise it will constantly be at the back of your mind, knowing that you have unfinished business.

 

Call her up or send her a message to arrange a date/time to get your stuff. Make sure you collect everything, and give her all her stuff too, so there's no hanging threads left. Just be business like. Suggest dates and times. No additional banter or discussion. If she (or you) don't want to meet in person then do it through mutual friends or whatever.

[Been]

I think that you should go NC and remain that way.

Some of the things you wrote that she said are just not adding up-its almost like she's doing damage control with you.

I mean its almost like her answers have been too thought out. Go NC and work on yourself.

[d0nnivain]

You two have basically spent your adult lives together. 3 years is a long time but your lives are changing now. You are transitioning out of school & into real life.

 

 

She is lost. She doesn't know what is next but she knows she wants more than she currently has. In essence she is outgrowing the relationship. It happens. It's nothing you did wrong. You were probably a great college BF. Unfortunately if she sees her mom looking around later in life going is that all there is, she is afraid that she won't be content. You are both still young & able to make changes. That is what she wants & sadly you can't stop her.

 

 

This business about being apart for 6 months (or now as long as you feel comfortable) & then seeing where you two are is her doing this typical girl thing where she's trying to soften the blow, doesn't want to hurt your feelings & is being wishy-washy. It's so unhelpful. She needs to be definitive: you are either going to stay together & work as a unit to address the issues or you are apart.

 

 

You can't be put on hold while she figures stuff out. If she can't figure it out with you, then you are not a team & you won't work together to deal with the harder stuff down the line.

 

 

If she doesn't want to be your GF, say thanks no thanks to being put on the back burner. Have a clean break, take your time to heal & then go date a new woman who has her act together.

[pistachiogatorade]

Should I really break no contact to ask her for my stuff back? It's just some books, a hoodie, and possibly 300 bucks for a watch I bought her- don't know if I should let that remain a gift or not. She said she'd pay me back.

[d0nnivain]

NC doesn't start until you undo the details -- get stuff back, pay joint bills etc. If you don't care about the hoodie & the books just walk away.

 

 

If the watch was a gift, you don't get the $300 back. Since she didn't repay you, despite promising to do so, while you were together, do you really think she's going to give you the money back now? I wouldn't hold my breath.

[pistachiogatorade]

I'll probably leave it as is then. I kind of want one book back that has interview buzzwords and stuff, but I think I'm fine without it. The pain and awkwardness is not worth it.

 

Thing is, I still kind of do want to be friends with her, maybe a year or 2 down the road. We really did share a lot of interests and I'd like to think we'd be adult over it. I probably won't contact her at the 6 month mark though.

[pistachiogatorade]

I'm thinking if I do get stuff back though, I can contact a mutual friend to hand off stuff with. But I'd feel like I'd ask about her since they are good friends. I don't know. I'm still so heartbroken and really don't know how to get over the loss of a partner, let alone someone who was my best friend.

 

I think she was trying to convince herself over time. Towards the end She started being more affectionate and saying I am her best friend and that she loves that we are so close and that she loves me. How do people build trust with anyone again after having something like that broken?

[Marc878]

She's decided to move on an explore others. You should do the same.

 

If you're smart you'll cut all contact and block everything.

 

She'll be dating others if she hadn't already.

[BC1980]

It's tough when it's your first love because you have nothing else to compare it to. Everyone else is giving you good advice. She's young, and most people are not ready to settle down at your age. Most people have one or two significant relationships before settling down and getting married. And of course, as I'm sure you know, most marriages end in divorce.

 

The harsh truth is that most romantic relationships in your life won't last forever like in the movies. I'm not saying that because I want it to be the case, but it's just the reality. People's feelings change over time. This is true whether you get married or not. People fall in and out of love and change their minds. Just because she loved you a year ago doesn't mean she will love you forever. Just because she said she wanted to get married at one time doesn't mean she will always feel that way. Those are tough lessons to learn, but it's part of life unfortunately.

[pistachiogatorade]

I just wish she cheated, told me she didn't love me or something. How does someone flip the Switch in a day? Why couldn't she be cold towards the end instead? That's so messed up to continue the love with those thoughts.

[bummer]

How do people build trust with anyone again after having something like that broken?

 

Time. I hope.

 

Why couldn't she be cold towards the end instead?

 

I think if there is a silver lining it's that she really tried in the end to show affection. She wanted to convince herself, as much as you, that she wanted to stay together. It was more gradual than it appeared. The switch flipping was just the final manifestation of her convincing herself it had to end.

 

She doesn't want to hurt you, but that's different than actually staying together unfortunately.

[Jt93]

Hey Pistachio,

 

I had a sort of similar situation to yourself but in the end she did tell me that she didnt love me and she hadnt for a year and that she wasnt attracted to me. (its in my thread if you are interested)

 

I just want to let you know that the best thing you can do from my experience is go completely NC no matter what. It is really hard and you will want to get in touch but you cant. Im now at 3 and a half months and i am feeling tonnes better than i did at first, but it still hurts and i feel bad from time to time but it is getting less often. I am not ready for dating at all yet i do not think, nor am i interested in seeking girls for a relationship, i am enjoying spending my own time doing what i like and spending it with family and friends.

 

I just wanted to let you know that it definitely gets easier and to know that you arent the only one going through similar circumstances!