Reasonable to expect your partner to greet you at the finish line of a race?

[TooRational]

Ok, this might seem petty and trivial to some but I suffer from relationship anxiety and I have trouble expressing my needs, for fear that I'll be seen as needy. So I need a little help validating whether my needs are justified or not.

 

I've been a little hurt this weekend when my girlfriend (of 9 months) wasn't there to greet me at the end of the hardest trail running race I've ever done (28k), while being injured on top of it. She was in the race too but finished 20 min ahead of me (she actually finished 3rd). Instead of waiting for me at the finish line, she went to take care of herself, to put ice on her legs.

 

When I brought it up, she seemed surprised of my expectation. She said that perhaps it's just not in her nature to act that way and that she isn't very "nurturing" with her children, wanting them to become independent.

 

That made me question whether I was expecting too much or not. But then I realized that since we've been together, there were 3 races where she could have greeted me at the finish line but never did. On the other hand, I was always there for her races.

 

What is especially puzzling is that she mentioned several times that her previous long-term partner never saw a single race of hers and she was quite hurt by that. She appreciates that I attend her races and presumably appreciates that I'm there at the finish line when I can. But then, why doesn't she realize that I have the same need? Even hinting that it's a little childish (nurturing comment above)?

 

Am I being too needy and demanding or is this a justified expectation?

 

Oh and btw, I love her to death and it's just a little bump in an otherwise wonderful relationship. I am truly lucky to have found this amazing woman.

 

Thanks.

[PegNosePete]

She was in the race too but finished 20 min ahead of me (she actually finished 3rd). Instead of waiting for me at the finish line, she went to take care of herself, to put ice on her legs.

It's not like she was sitting home eating ice cream and watching TV then?

 

I've never done a hard 28k trail running race, let alone finished 3rd in one, but I imagine she was pretty knackered at the end of it, and standing around at the finish line was pretty low on her list of priorities.

 

Yeah, I think your expectations are a little unreasonable here.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It's not like she was sitting home eating ice cream and watching TV then?

 

I've never done a hard 28k trail running race, let alone finished 3rd in one, but I imagine she was pretty knackered at the end of it, and standing around at the finish line was pretty low on her list of priorities.

 

Yeah, I think your expectations are a little unreasonable here.

 

Yeah I agree. When I read the title I thought she wasn't IN the race.

 

Have you ever run a race together and you finished before her?

[knabe]

Yes, it's absolutely unreasonable.

[d0nnivain]

It's not unreasonable but there was probably a miscommunication. Did you two discuss that whoever finished would wait at the finish line for the other one? If not try to be a little less upset. She ran too & she needed to care for her own depleted reserves.

[TooRational]

Fair enough, thanks for the honest feedback.

 

Yes, I did run another race with her but no, I never finished ahead of her. If I did however, I would definitely wait for her at the finish line. When I didn't race, I was always there at the finish.

 

Yes, she was indeed quite spent after her race. She acted the same way however during the previous race we did and she was in great shape at the end that time.

 

So I'm hurt mainly by the fact that I was low on the priority list. As I told her, if she had told me something along the lines of "Honey, I'm sorry I couldn't be there when you finished but my legs hurt too much". That would have been a totally different story. But I was just low on the priority list, period.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Fair enough, thanks for the honest feedback.

 

Yes, I did run another race with her but no, I never finished ahead of her. If I did however, I would definitely wait for her at the finish line. When I didn't race, I was always there at the finish.

 

Yes, she was indeed quite spent after her race. She acted the same way however during the previous race we did and she was in great shape at the end that time.

 

So I'm hurt mainly by the fact that I was low on the priority list. As I told her, if she had told me something along the lines of "Honey, I'm sorry I couldn't be there when you finished but my legs hurt too much". That would have been a totally different story. But I was just low on the priority list, period.

 

This sounds like you expect to be ahead of HER on the priority list.

[Art_Critic]

Were you running the race for yourself or for her ?

 

I think your thinking that she should be there at the finish line for you is a small bit selfish of you and being hurt should show yourself that you need to do some introspection on why you are hurt over this..and it isn't because she wasn't there..

 

It isn't like she was on the couch at home while you ran the race.. she was there and she was most likely also proud of you as well on how you ran the race, in life you need to learn that there are times that our SO's can't be there to us to lean on and we need to buck up...

[ChatroomHero]

 

When I brought it up, she seemed surprised of my expectation.

 

But then I realized that since we've been together, there were 3 races where she could have greeted me at the finish line but never did. On the other hand, I was always there for her races.

 

What is especially puzzling is that she mentioned several times that her previous long-term partner never saw a single race of hers and she was quite hurt by that.

 

That seems to say a bit about her.

 

 

The fact that she doesn't "show support" or nurture with the reason of she wants to make her kids independent is a stretch. It sounds more like she is self-centered and her accomplishments take center stage for her above accomplishments of you and her kids.

 

 

Seriously, if she was upset with her ex for not being there for her, why would she expect him to support her based on her own view of nurturing? So showing support for her is not bad, but her showing support for you or her kids makes them weak?

 

 

She is self-centered and selfish it would appear, but she realizes it and justifies it with a lame reasoning.

[Gaeta]

About telling her with no detour? Hon, please wait for me at the end of the race it's important to me.

 

She's not a mind reader and she is probably in a routine and it didn't come to her naturally.

 

How is she in other areas where you need her support? Is she nurturing when you are hurt or sick?

[knabe]

There's a difference between cheering someone on at the end of a race you did not run in and waiting for someone at the end of the race after you have run it and your legs are cramping and your dehydrated and such. The original poster is being a bit of a baby in this instance.

[TooRational]

Thanks for the reality check everyone. Most seem to agree that I was expecting too much, fair enough. Communication was lacking too, I should have expressed clearly that I would have liked to see her at the finish line. I guess I took that for granted but indeed, she's not a mind reader.

 

ChatroomHero, I had similar reasoning that yours. The thing is, she is NOT selfish and self-centered. She's very generous and loving but also very resilient and independent and expecting the same from others. She was the star of our running club that day and was showered with attention, which probably made her more self-centered than usual.

 

Gaeta, she is usually quite nurturing when I'm hurt or sick. She's just plain awesome.

[d0nnivain]

Since she is otherwise awesome, let's let this one slide. Next race discuss your mutual expectations before the starting gun goes off.

[1fish2fish]

As someone who also races, I would have been disappointed too.

 

Yes, 17 miles is a long distance, but it's not like an ultra-race.

 

If she came in 3rd place, obviously, she's an experienced runner and had trained properly.

 

Was she injured? If not, icing the legs isn't going to do much for recovery unless it's an actual ice bath where the legs are completely submerged.

 

My training partners (not even significant others!) always wait for me, and vice versa, at the finish line.

 

Just my .02.

[Steve51]

I competed in trap, rifle and pistol competitions for prize money and my wife never attended one but liked when I came home with money. Did not bother me. We have few interests in common. Met her on a train and was engaged in 3 weeks and married 8 months later. We have been happily married for 45 years and the only time she met me at the finish line was when we had sex. That was good enough for me.

 

Almost sounds like you want her to approve your feat of athleticism. Just doing it for myself was good enough for me. I could also draw a parallel to sex with this too, but I won't.

[Steve51]

I competed in many sports, trap, rifle and pistol competitions for prize money and my wife never attended one. It did not bother me. Met her on a train and was engaged in 3 weeks and married 8 months later. We have been happily married for 45 years and the only time she met me at the finish line was when we had sex. That was good enough for me.

 

Just doing it for myself was good enough for me. I could also draw a parallel to sex with this too, but I won't.

 

Your wife would just be a spectator waiting for you to show her how athletic you are. I prefered not to have people attend my events. Made me nervous and that was not good for keeping a steady hand. My wife supported me by not complaining about the money and time I spent on competitions. I do not attend her Bingo, MahJong or Poker nights. She does not want me there watching her or cheering her on. I guess we are both independent people who do what we do for self satisfaction and do not need each other to be bored watching what we do. We are both doers, not watchers and in no way would my wife watch me be considered supporting me.

 

My dad went to some of my baseball and football games. That did not make me play better. He was there to see if what he taught me made me better and what I could approve on. That is support in my book, not being a spectator who I need approval from. Just different views of support and why we compete.

Edited September 12, 2017 by Steve51

[somanymistakes]

But she wouldn't just be a bored spectator if she was already there competing herself because she IS actually interested in those things.

[ChatroomHero]

ChatroomHero, I had similar reasoning that yours. The thing is, she is NOT selfish and self-centered. She's very generous and loving but also very resilient and independent and expecting the same from others. She was the star of our running club that day and was showered with attention, which probably made her more self-centered than usual.

 

Gaeta, she is usually quite nurturing when I'm hurt or sick. She's just plain awesome.

 

 

Based on that, like others have said, let it slide.

 

 

I do wonder though. You say she is great, loving, generous, awesome and not self-centered at all. When you say that, it doesn't really add up why you would post on here over such a trivial issue and not give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

 

It's like you are saying she would never do anything to purposely hurt your feelings and then asking if she purposely hurt your feelings. Just seems odd unless there is something deeper you are not sharing.

 

 

Is there more to it?

[knabe]

Based on that, like others have said, let it slide.

 

 

I do wonder though. You say she is great, loving, generous, awesome and not self-centered at all. When you say that, it doesn't really add up why you would post on here over such a trivial issue and not give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

 

It's like you are saying she would never do anything to purposely hurt your feelings and then asking if she purposely hurt your feelings. Just seems odd unless there is something deeper you are not sharing.

 

 

Is there more to it?

 

 

This speaks more of HIS neediness than any flaw of hers.

[elaine567]

For someone to come third in a hard and gruelling race is a huge achievement, but instead of making this all about her, you decide to make it all about you.

Of course as an athlete she will want to look after her body, she needs to do that. While racing, she is in competitor mode and you need to leave her to it.

She is not your mother, she is your gf, she doesn't need to be there when you finish. In racing it is usually every man for himself. She needs to cool off, wind down enjoy the whole experience, she can't do that if she is standing on the finishing line for 20 minutes waiting for you.

Maybe she was there for a while, but just got bored/tired/sore waiting for you...

[TooRational]

Based on that, like others have said, let it slide.

I definitely will. In fact I'll probably apologize for my behavior when I didn't let my expectations be known. That's not fair.

 

It's like you are saying she would never do anything to purposely hurt your feelings and then asking if she purposely hurt your feelings. Just seems odd unless there is something deeper you are not sharing.

 

Is there more to it?

 

I know she didn't hurt my feelings on purpose. 99.9% of the time she's great but there are a few occasions where she's acting "out of character" and it's puzzling. I wrote about it but then deleted it as I'll probably just sound like a winy and needy. I can go into more details by PM if interested.

 

For someone to come third in a hard and gruelling race is a huge achievement, but instead of making this all about her, you decide to make it all about you.

It was already all about her. As I said, everyone cheered her on, congratulated her, etc. She got tons of attention. Well deserved I might add, I'm very proud of her. But even though I didn't make a podium, my race was just as hard and grueling.

 

She is not your mother, she is your gf, she doesn't need to be there when you finish. In racing it is usually every man for himself. She needs to cool off, wind down enjoy the whole experience, she can't do that if she is standing on the finishing line for 20 minutes waiting for you.

 

Have you ever been to a race? It's pretty typical for friends or teammates of a running club to wait for each other at the finish line for encouragement and it's quite a welcome sight at the end of a hard race. I thought even more so for lovers, especially for the hardest challenge we each have ever done. This was not a run-of-the-mill typical 10k. It was trail running as challenging as running a road marathon.

 

Anyway, thanks everyone. So the jist of it is that my expectations were obviously not in line with my girlfriend's and apparently unreasonable to many of you. Fair enough. But I get some some relief in knowing that at least some of you think that I was not being totally unreasonable. At least I didn't act like an ass. I didn't mention anything on the spot and only brought it up briefly that night.

 

As is often the case, good communication is key and I still need to improve in that department. I'll take this as an opportunity to improve next time.

[normal person]

At least I didn't act like an ass. I didn't mention anything on the spot and only brought it up briefly that night.

 

As is often the case, good communication is key and I still need to improve in that department. I'll take this as an opportunity to improve next time.

 

I think you spared yourself from being shot in the foot. Yeah, communication is key, but also, at the risk of starting a debate, I'll posit that communicating something unfavorable could be worse than just keeping it to yourself and dealing with the conflict internally. The stuff below is the sort of thing that raises my eyebrows.

 

 

In fact I'll probably apologize for my behavior when I didn't let my expectations be known. That's not fair.

 

I wrote about it but then deleted it as I'll probably just sound like a winy and needy. I can go into more details by PM if interested.

 

It was already all about her. As I said, everyone cheered her on, congratulated her, etc. She got tons of attention. Well deserved I might add, I'm very proud of her. But even though I didn't make a podium, my race was just as hard and grueling.

 

Have you ever been to a race? It's pretty typical for friends or teammates of a running club to wait for each other at the finish line for encouragement and it's quite a welcome sight at the end of a hard race.

 

Everyone feel free to call me "toxically masculine" or whatever, but for argument's sake, if I was a woman and my boyfriend, a grown man, said anything close to "I don't want to sound too whiny, but I'm upset that I didn't get enough encouragement/attention/support," I would break up with that guy so fast. I'm sure there are plenty who wouldn't care, and your girlfriend may one, and to each their own. I'm just using this as an example to illustrate the point: There's nothing wrong with feeling a certain way, but the dynamics and intricacies of everyone's relationships are different. Maybe she'd be fine with this, maybe not. As you said, communication is important. But if in the context of your relationship, you have desires that you're afraid of communicating for one reason or another, maybe reevaluate your relationship or consider that deploying "selective" communication occasionally might be a better bet. I'm sure we've all got odd, unusual, or unflattering thoughts that might affect the way people look at us. I'm no relationship expert, but I often feel like knowing what not to say is oftentimes the best move. Especially if you're a guy, I feel like so much of your image will be saved if you have the strong will to "just shut up and deal with it." Maybe it's society, or maybe it's just me. I know it's probably an unpopular opinion, so I'm ready to be tarred and feathered here.

[andie1969]

I am female and have run a few races with my boyfriend, only 5-10K though. He ALWAYS finishes before me and if he's not right at the finish line, he is close by to see me cross. He knows my general time, so if he would finish 20 min. before me, he'd maybe get some water & a snack but then head back to the finish line to see me cross. I do the same if I'm with a friend and I finish before they do. That's part of the reason I sign up to race with other people!

Edited September 12, 2017 by andie1969

[Birdies]

I'm a runner too (half marathons). When I read your post title, I thought "Heck yeah you should expect your partner to be at the finish line to support you - when possible of course." My ex-husband only went to one of maybe 8 or 9 halfs that I ran while we were together. It made me sad that he'd rather sleep in than cheer me on. So I understand!

 

BUT. The fact that SHE also ran the race does change things. I know when I finish a race, I desperately need to drink some water and walk a bit and sit down for a couple minutes. In her case, she needed to ice her muscles. Especially since she's placing, she's probably giving it her all and needs to recover.

 

Perhaps you can tell her how much it would mean to you in the future, and she will know to make more of an effort. Some people see running as a very individualistic sport. In general, expecting our partners to read our minds usually doesn't work well - especially for a new relationship.

 

(Edit: saw your responses and some of the other posts. I think apologizing and communicating your hope for the future is the way to go, and kudos to you for being able to see when you're mostly in the wrong.

Edited September 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator