When trust is forever broken, but love still remains

[Starswillshine]

My story without too much details since I have a stalker OW.

 

Been married for nearly 2 decades. We have multiple children from teenage to toddler. I have been a SAHM since oldest was born, I supported my H in his career, I took care of all children and household duties so he can concentrate on his career. I have sat with him through set back and encouraged him and supported him where I could. I offered many times to go to work so he could get additional education to further his career.

 

He travels a good bit for business. I am lonely often. He had an A. OW is a little off balanced. There have been multiple DDays. Each time, I got a little more of the truth. The last one, I got the entire truth that they did indeed become physical. She lives a plane ride away. He hasn't been there in a year. He hasn't seen her since Dday 1. She was the one who told me everything. He says it is done.

 

He has changed. There is a noticeable difference between the last DDay and now. He has done IC and MC. Our marriage in every other aspect is wonderful. We always have fun together, we are a great team, we parent well together, our kids thrive with us, the passion is there, etc. Etc. I love him. With everything.

 

I don't trust him. And I don't know that I can ever trust him again. I don't know that she was the only one though I feel certain she is the only one that went beyond a meeting up for hook ups when he was in whatever chicks town. He never hid his phone until this OW came around.

 

I feel stuck. My marriage, my family... everything that means everything to me. How do I let that go?

 

Can i survive without ever trusting him again? Will it just wear me down? I, unfortunately, have been suicidal at times. I feel there is no escape regardless of what I do. He is there.... He is the father of my children.

[NotCamelot]

First, I am sorry that this has happened. No one deserves this kind of pain.

 

 

How long has it been since D-day? It takes 2 - 5 years to recover from an A. From experience, I can promise you that it is true. If you are still pretty fresh into this, you will not be able to trust for a while. That is normal.

[Starswillshine]

First, I am sorry that this has happened. No one deserves this kind of pain.

 

 

How long has it been since D-day? It takes 2 - 5 years to recover from an A. From experience, I can promise you that it is true. If you are still pretty fresh into this, you will not be able to trust for a while. That is normal.

 

It's still under a year. I am just concerned after having multiple DDays. The promising it is over when he stayed in contact. The continuance of promising her he will never leave her, etc. Of course he says he didn't truly mean it. I worry the damage is too much and it will never be fully repaired. I will hold my breath every time he is gone. I worry this is just a passing phrase to where I can feel safe again... And then this girl will be with him on the road or someone new. I don't know if I can get trust back. There is no amount of surveillance that will help (he'll just fly under the radar more).

 

Will this wear me down enough that I will want to leave?

[Cymbeline]

"Will this wear me down enough that I will want to leave?"

 

The answer to that is in your hands. I've been in a similar situation. The continued contact, painful as it is, is a child-like continuation of the excitement of the new attention. They rationalise it as ok since it is no longer physical.

 

My view is that if someone has 'done the work'. - really understands the nature of love, specifically long term love and the nature of an affair and has addressed their ability to deceive, then it is quite possible they will be more reliable than someone who hasn't thought so deeply and experienced the destruction.

 

You are his wife and life companion. Remember that and find dignity in that and in your own behaviour and response. People want to be around strong, centred women, but it can be hard to find that centre for some time.

 

Leave marriage improvement books behind if you are still reading them and read a few for yourself and your own development. Anything by Eknath Eashwaren is great for reminding me how to live and love and what really matters in life and for giving kindly strength at those moments when you feel the stab of betrayal will not recede and you are tending to wallow. Jack Kornfield is good. So is David Richo and there are endless useful,articles at

 

The Book of Life | Developing Emotional Intelligence, especially in 'Relationships' and 'Self' sections

 

When you are feeling feeling weak, or ruminating, concentrate on realising that you are not your thoughts or feelings: they are fleeting and come and go. Your centred self remains. The same applies to your husband - the emotions during the affair were fleeting and impermanent, unlike your marriage.

 

I know it's hard when you have children at home but can you find money and time to explore something quite new and challenging that will build your confidence. Ultimately that helped me most ( that and my friends). It took quite some time to find what to do - just try things until something piques your interest. Women's activity groups can be very uplifting - yoga; retreats; writing groups.

 

I'm a dreadful ruminator. It's a killer. Don't be like me!

[reboot]

Trust is a gift that you give to someone.

[dichotomy]

BH here

 

At first I was just "I don't trust her she is a liar and a cheater !". It was more than just cheating - there was a whole side of her she hid form me - she was not the person I fell in love with - she deliberately decided to hid parts of herself so I would see a woman I would marry.

 

Then eventually I kind of moved on to a more worldly view that all human beings are flawed creatures capable of making selfish bad choices and hurting others. While I have never cheated there have been a few things in my life I did which I deeply regret and am ashamed of.

 

in other words - I trust that she is a flawed human being as we all are. Rather then mistrust her. Its subtle difference that removes emotional component from her cheating and my trust.

 

Look I have kids - one older and one younger. I love them but I keep an eye on both - monitor their computer usage, phones, etc.. I spy on them. Its not a frantic spying or severe paranoia - more of a "just looking out for them and myself". One has a minor medical issue, and the other minor mental health issues - and I also constant check that they are taking their meds and how their health is.

 

And so it goes for my WW. No huge emotional issue anymore about trust - I just kind of calmly check on her from time to time. Nothing like I did for 2-3 years after dDay. Ya maybe trust is gone - but it is more like just routine now - like looking at a folded piece of paper in my kids pants pocket or backpack. You just kind of watch stuff.

 

Its not a big deal anymore.

 

Count your blessings if - as you say - the marriage is good, functional and passionate. Mine is functional and okay - but WW lost sexual interest and passion slowly over the years following dDay. That is more an issue now then the trust. Other things come into marriage which are a challenge sometimes.

Edited September 11, 2017 by dichotomy

[wmacbride]

first off, please get some help for yourself. If you have reached a place where you feel this bad, talking it out with a professional can really help. right now, that's your first priority.

 

 

second, I hate to say it, but the trust never comes back 100 percent. I trust my spouse for than anyone else in the world, but I only trust him 99 percent.It's painful to have to accept that, but it is what it is.

 

Honestly, I don't think I would feel any different if we had divorced and I was seeing someone new. I wouldn't trust them 100 percent either, and in fact, I would trust him even less until I felt I knew him really well.

 

The acceptance doesn't always come easily, and in a way, it's sad to lose that sense of innocence about your relationship. Mind you, if you turn the coin over, the other side is that, even after seeing the "real" him, warts and all, you love him, accept him and want to be with him. That ind of love isn't something that comes along every day.

 

This is something to talk to him about. If he has been through all the counseling and therapy, he will likely understand.

[Starswillshine]

first off, please get some help for yourself. If you have reached a place where you feel this bad, talking it out with a professional can really help. right now, that's your first priority.

 

 

second, I hate to say it, but the trust never comes back 100 percent. I trust my spouse for than anyone else in the world, but I only trust him 99 percent.It's painful to have to accept that, but it is what it is.

 

Honestly, I don't think I would feel any different if we had divorced and I was seeing someone new. I wouldn't trust them 100 percent either, and in fact, I would trust him even less until I felt I knew him really well.

 

The acceptance doesn't always come easily, and in a way, it's sad to lose that sense of innocence about your relationship. Mind you, if you turn the coin over, the other side is that, even after seeing the "real" him, warts and all, you love him, accept him and want to be with him. That ind of love isn't something that comes along every day.

 

This is something to talk to him about. If he has been through all the counseling and therapy, he will likely understand.

 

I am seeing a therapist. It is a slow process and I find myself slipping here and there. I wallow too much. I find myself paranoid he is still in contact with her. I find myself so angry with him for putting this on us, for ruining what was a pretty amazing marriage.

 

I agree that it doesn't matter who I am with, my trust will never be 100% which is another reason I haven't been able to let him go. I mean I tell myself, there is no way I will ever trust him again, so there is no hope. But I realize how I will not be able to trust anyone else either. So do I just stay with the one I love Anyway? Even after he has done all of this to me? The pain, the hurt, the destruction of the last 2 years...

 

Sigh... I wish everyone could see the destruction, what they actually do to another human being BEFORE they enter an affair.

[merrmeade]

I have all these questions myself after more than five years. Same trickle truth. Same realizing I never got the full story.

 

Only difference is age, opportunity and my understanding and awareness of who he is and what he's capable of. It's not going to happen again. You're dealing with the very real future possibility of future infidelity.

 

I don't have any answers except to say that, if everything were the same and we were twenty years younger (which you probably are), I'd leave him in a heartbeat, knowing what I know.

[jenkins95]

(((Starswillshine)))

 

As a former cheater (who did many of the things your H did), I am so sorry to read that this happened to you too. It is so awful that people like me and your H do such hurtful, selfish, hurtful things to good people like my wife and you - those that we love and have made an oath to, but took for granted and betrayed. It just sucks and shows that life isn't always fair.

 

On a more cheerful note, I'm here to offer words of hope and I see some truly excellent replies from other BS already been posted to this thread, such as Cymbelline, wmac and dichotomy. They have been there, done that and have the T-shirt from the point of view of the BS, and there is genuine hope in what each of them says. I've been there, done that and have the T-shirt from the point of view of the WS and hopefully I too will offer some positivity.

 

It sounds like your H, like me, is truly remorseful and is doing all the work he should to make things right again. This is an essential first step. Even if he acts like the model H from now on (and it sounds like he's not far off that), trust takes a long time to return and as wmac says, it will never be 100% again. But, like wmac, it could get back to 99% and that may well be enough to make you feel safe, happy and fulfilled again - normal in fact.

 

As for the way he behaved re continued contact and further lies, multiple D-days, etc, I am not making excuses for him as this is awful behaviour, but I do understand where he was in his mind because I was there too. Know that his head was all over the place and for that time, he wasn't the real him - the loving committed man that you knew and know again now. He was a distorted, twisted, selfish version of himself, which was caused by his unnatural hormone levels and neural pathways being temporarily screwed by limerence and fantasy. I was there too. After D-day, it took a few months for me to truly get my head together and see things for what they were, and this seems to have been the case with him too. I get the feeling that you feel that he is truly "back" now and this is great. It is essential in fact to have any hope of moving forward.

 

Trust is something that, once lost, takes a long time to come back. In my case, we were still in a very bad place after six months. After a year, we were in a much better place, to the extent that we were comfortable with me having the odd night out - just a meal in a restaurant with my brother, for example, nothing wild. We both felt it was important for the sake of normality to start doing this kind of thing again, but it was tough at first and I was under constant watch (via messaging, calls, etc), plus my wife tended to trigger the next day and we would go over those very awkward conversations, etc. This was tough, but it was much better than how things were after 6 months, when the very idea of me going out at all was out of the question. Hopefulyl you are now in a better place than you were at the 6 month mark?

 

Fast forward another year to the two year point and things are much, much, much better again. We have worked constantly on our relationship, become much more open with each other, worked on our communication sklills (poor communication skills and conflict avoidance were my major flaws that led to the A, I now believe) and I have been out several times in the second year - again nothing wild (I have no desire for wild nights out anyway!), my wife can reach me any time and it is always at a known location with known friends - friends of my marriage. But it is so much less of a big deal now, my wife checks up on me much less, very rarely triggers anymore and is indeed encouraging of me (and her) re-establishing a social life because if a marriage becomes a prison, then you have to question what kind of marriage it really has become.

 

Trust is simply being re-built by me consistently showing my wife I am sorry, I love her, I communicate/call/message her several times a day from work, I am a different man and I want with all my heart to make things right again. This is evident in my words and my actions every day and her ever-growing trust and love for me and our marriage is evident to me in her every word and action. She is amazing - as are you. I reckon my wife's trust levels in me are probably back up to over 80% now at a guess. Still a long way to go, but much better than where we were at the point in time where you are. I am aiming for wmac's 99% at the 5 year mark!

 

Time, honesty and consistency builds trust. Of course, it can be shattered in a heart-beat, but both my wife and you feel that it is worth the effort of trying and the further we get, the less the risk becomes of that wonderful gift of reconciliation that me and your H have been given of being abused and shattered again.

 

Quite simply, we'd both be fools to ruin the gift we've been given. We were, of course, fools the first time round. But anyone who makes the same mistake twice having seen and lived through the damage that it caused the first time, is surely a fool amongst fools.

 

Good luck Starswillshine. I'm crossing everything for you, and please keep posting. Good luck! x

Edited September 11, 2017 by jenkins95

[alsudduth]

I will probably never trust my husband 100% again and he will probably never trust me 100% again.

 

That's the price of infidelity. You can still go on and love each other and have a happy marriage in many cases.

 

What helps me get through the tougher times with the trust/relationship issues is telling myself I can't control what he does. He is capable of cheating, I am capable of cheating. The only part of that sentence I can control is for ME not to cheat. If he cheats again, I won't be surprised because I know he's capable of it. I hope he doesn't. I hope he does all the things I'm doing to repair the relationship. But if he doesn't, that's on him. I don't think he will cheat again, I like to think we've both learned our lessons, which is why we are staying together.

 

So I focus on myself being the type of person I want to be. A non cheater. A person of integrity. A good wife. A good mother. An honest person. An open book to my husband, etc. All things I can control about myself.

[Cymbeline]

I sometimes wonder if the trust issue isn't a nice brick to beat the guilty party's head with. We are all capable of breaking trust in various ways and the hard truth is we shouldn't make absolute trust essential to our wellbeing, since it is so easily broken.

 

I was gutted - completely floored - but eventually after lots of help, learned lessons about developing my own strength and competence.

 

I spent time feeling worried about where he was and who he might be phoning (he behaved very badly for a long time - he felt an out of control kind of addiction. It wasn't a nice experience for him, although I didn't fully realise that then )but it made life so full of fear.

 

So I decided he had done his worst and i was still standing and learning self development. Further bad behaviour was never going to be as painful as the first time, so I would be OK.

 

I decided to trust fully in my actions and in my mind. I felt it was important to give him a chance to dissipate the shame and to find his self respect again and I didn't think checking up,would achieve that.

 

I wasnt going to be blindsided again if he let me down, but I really did/do choose to trust. It actually made me feel more empowered than when I was worrying about what he might be up to.After all, to offer the vulnerability of trust is a strong action, not a weak one and relationships without it are not very complete.

 

And he has also been strengthened by knowing I don't consider him a lost cause and that I respect him enough to believe he has found integrity again.

 

Your thread title is not very positive for you in your vulnerable state of mind. Forever is a very long time, and trust doesn't need to be "forever broken": Or if you are sure that is how you will always feel, then reconciliation isn't an entirely attractive option.

 

Make him aware you are giving him something to live up to and that you believe he will not let you down. I think the psychology works as long as things are going fairly smoothly.

 

Good luck

[HeartFullOfSoul]

I wish everyone could see the destruction, what they actually do to another human being BEFORE they enter an affair.

 

So do I, StarsWillShine, so do I.

 

I am sure you've had the same dialogue in your mind as I've had in mine; you wonder how someone you love more than anyone, who claims they love their family and would do anything for it, would betray you in this way? How they could so cavalierly toss your devotion aside, as if it were a worthless as yesterday's newspaper.

 

You wish they could see the harm they will surely cause if the have the A. You wonder how they could give themselves permission to go ahead with the A in the first place. It's really quite a mystery. We're in a special club that we didn't ask to join. Doesn't mean we have to like it . . . and it also doesn't mean we have to let it have power over us.

 

I will say that, in my case (as a BH), my faith has saved me from going completely over the edge. My DDay was about 6 months ago so I know exactly how you feel. There is a Darkness in the world that will gladly swallow you up if you let it. Your job is to refuse Darkness's claim of victory over you. Stare it in the eye, put that m*****f***** on notice and tell it to get lost. Full disclosure: I'm a Christian, but not always a good one as I still swear from time to time (especially since discovery) . . . this A has definitely been an ultimate test of my faith.

 

Believe in your user name . . . stars will shine for you again. You're in charge.

[Mr Blunt]

Originally Posted by Starswillshine

Can i survive without ever trusting him again? Will it just wear me down?

 

You can survive by staying with him if he improves or you can survive without him.

 

Lets look at the first one where he improves as you have stated in your fourth paragraph of your first post. First I will tell you that even if he is improved you will never trust him 100% nor should you. You do not need 100% trust to have a good marriage even after betrayal.

 

You may have been like I was many years ago and I thought that my spouse would never betray me.. I had to learn to make some changes throughout the years so that I could adjust to reality…The first thing that I got busy doing was to work on me even though I was not the betrayer. I examined myself and saw how I could become more self-sufficient and not rely on others so much. I know that is easier said than done but it can be substantially improved with years of effort. Cymbeline has already touched ion this with her statement of

 

By Cymbeline

Leave marriage improvement books behind if you are still reading them and read a few for yourself and your own development.

 

I eventually got to the point that I was no longer devastated and although the hurt lasted several years I finally got to the point that my wife’s previous lack of loyalty and commitment was not going to ruin my life nor keep me from contentment. In other words I could live with her or without her. I sure wanted to live with her but she no longer had me trapped.

 

I got closer to my other family members and then got back to paying attention to my faith as I had ignored that important element in my life for a long time. My faith helped me to realize that my God would never betray me and I needed that assurance to have some security in life. With my efforts I became closer to my family and especially my children and my mother; this helped a lot as they filled my need for closeness and affection. With this improvement I was able to help my wife with her improvements because I was not so needy and co-dependent. She knew that I had gotten stronger and knew that if she committed betrayal again that I was capable of living without her.

 

If you work on yourself and get stronger then you will survive and not get too worn down. In fact you will be more content in the years to come because your contentment is mostly in your hands and not his.

 

If your husband has a conscience and has more good in him than bad then he will become more reliable, more trustworthy and will not wear you down. Again, Cymbeline has summed it very well by her reprinted statement below

 

By Cymbeline

My view is that if someone has 'done the work'. - really understands the nature of love, specifically long term love and the nature of an affair and has addressed their ability to deceive, then it is quite possible they will be more reliable than someone who hasn't thought so deeply and experienced the destruction.

 

Starswillshine

You are in the very early stages of recovery from betrayal and your extreme thoughts and struggles are to be expected. However, you can get a LOT better!

 

PS I have over 20 years of R

[happyonislands]

Hang in there! It takes time to trust again. Also, it’s normal for you to still love him, but feel pain over the situation. Continue to take care of yourself mentally, physically, emotionally as well as your children. I understand that you are seeing a therapist, but are you and husband having therapy together?

Good luck! I wish you all the best.

[Ahurtgirl]

If you love him, don't give up your marriage. Pretty simple, however, from what I learned not only in my ex MMs marriage but have seen in other marriages is that the saying once a cheater, always a cheater holds so much truth. No trying to put doubts in your mind but usually cheaters will cheat again, just a matter of time. If you want to stay with him, lower your expectations and accept that there is a very good chance ten years or five years or at some point in the future, he will find another woman, except this time, he will be smarter at concealing it and you won't find out about it. They just get much better at hiding it. Read Chump Lady website if you don't want to believe me. There are countless stories of women who spent years in reconciliation, thinking their husbands were back on track and putting in the effort to heal their families, that all was heading in the right direction, ... only to find out to many years later that it was all a facade. Be prepared to never know if he is being faithful to you and are you okay knowing you are not his only one even though you have made him yours.

My exMM shed light on how a man who cheats really is. He straight up said it's easier to entertain his wife with compliments, attention, and affection than deal with her being unhappy. He said that women need to be entertained by men. He got nothing out of it but he did it so he could avoid negative feedback from her. He said I love yous constantly to all of his women in his life every single day and explained he didn't feel love but was just something he knew we all needed to hear but it meant nothing. The intensity of his passion and love is shown to all the women. It's just so deceiving. This is expecially true since your husband's ex or not exAP, is stalking. He also gave her much love and affection and many promises were made to her as well.

Ask yourself if you will be okay that you may very well be his second or third women in his life on a daily basis but you will never know the truth. Also there are many men who do not cheat. Don't kid yourself in thinking that most guys cheat. If you feel you deserve someone who can be faithful to you, go find that. If you don't feel you deserve faithfulness, than stay.

Edited September 12, 2017 by Ahurtgirl

[alsudduth]

. Also there are many men who do not cheat.

 

There are also many men who cheat once, and then don't do it again. There are also many women who cheat once, and then don't do it again. Some people DO learn their lesson from cheating and hurting the person they love.

[Ahurtgirl]

There are also many men who cheat once, and then don't do it again. There are also many women who cheat once, and then don't do it again. Some people DO learn their lesson from cheating and hurting the person they love.

 

From reading between the lines of everything Stars will Shine has posted in the past year, her husband cheated with more than one AP. However Only one AP had the courage to contact her. He husband's never going to admit to the other affairs.

[LivingWaterPlease]

My story without too much details since I have a stalker OW.

 

How does one know they have a stalker on LS? And how would the stalker find out one posts on LS. Don't mean to t/j, so sorry if I'm out of line but have seen this posted before here and am curious since posts are so general how could a person figure out who someone is?

 

Been married for nearly 2 decades. We have multiple children from teenage to toddler. I have been a SAHM since oldest was born, I supported my H in his career, I took care of all children and household duties so he can concentrate on his career. I have sat with him through set back and encouraged him and supported him where I could. I offered many times to go to work so he could get additional education to further his career.

 

He travels a good bit for business. I am lonely often. He had an A. OW is a little off balanced. There have been multiple DDays. Each time, I got a little more of the truth. The last one, I got the entire truth that they did indeed become physical. She lives a plane ride away. He hasn't been there in a year. He hasn't seen her since Dday 1. She was the one who told me everything. He says it is done.

 

If there have been multiple DDays how do you know he hasn't seen her since the first one?

 

He has changed. There is a noticeable difference between the last DDay and now. He has done IC and MC. Our marriage in every other aspect is wonderful. We always have fun together, we are a great team, we parent well together, our kids thrive with us, the passion is there, etc. Etc. I love him. With everything.

 

To me, the fact that he has changed is the most convincing thing you've posted. Even more so than the fact that he's done IC and MC, though that, too, seems good to me.

 

I don't trust him. And I don't know that I can ever trust him again. I don't know that she was the only one though I feel certain she is the only one that went beyond a meeting up for hook ups when he was in whatever chicks town. He never hid his phone until this OW came around.

 

From what you've written (multiple DDays) seems to me you're wise not to trust him. I don't mean to be cruel but that's a red flag to me meaning the A was most likely more deeply entrenched than with the other As. I don't believe it necessarily means he'll cheat again, though.

 

I feel stuck. My marriage, my family... everything that means everything to me. How do I let that go?

 

I would say, don't let it go but find something bigger to put your ultimate trust in, namely God. Establish a deep relationship with Him that is more important to you than any other relationship through prayer and reading of the Bible daily. I firmly believe He will answer your questions for you and lead you in the way you should go. I've seen it happen in marriages with infidelity.

 

Can i survive without ever trusting him again? Will it just wear me down? I, unfortunately, have been suicidal at times. I feel there is no escape regardless of what I do. He is there.... He is the father of my children.

 

First of all, again, escape to God. Make Him your priority now. He will lead you step by step in all your ways. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and don't try to figure things out on your own. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He'll show you the paths to take." Proverbs 3:5,6 (paraphrased)

 

Stars, I don't mean to preach to you but your posts have touched my heart. You seem like a wonderful wife, mother and woman. I am so sorry for what you've been through and are continuing to go through as you process this situation and try to deal with it.

 

I don't know if you're a believer or not but if you are or would be open to becoming one I believe there's help for you in God. It won't be an easy path learning to trust Him and how to understand how He is leading you but it will be a rewarding one.

 

In your place I'd focus on God right now, pray for your husband while realizing he is trying to deal with his issues, whether or not he's doing so successfully. In time you'll know what you need to do, stay or go. But, in the meantime enjoy what you have left of your family and let God direct your footsteps into the future. No matter what happens, He can take you through it successfully and there is no reason to fear!

Edited September 12, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[Starswillshine]

I'll try to answer as many questions here as possible.

 

As for the stalker OW, she follows me around, my children around on various social media. I don't get into many details because I am sure she looks here as well. I am sure she looks at all infidelity websites trying to find my story. To have a glimpse into what is going on in our world. It is just creepy.

 

As for whether he has seen her or not, I can't be 100% certain. She does live a plane ride away and he hasn't been to her city since. However, there is always the possibility that she could have flown out to see him somewhere. I'll never know.

 

We did go to couples counseling, but didn't like our counselor. I have a few recommendations from my IC of new ones. We just have a very busy lifestyle and hard pining time down when we are both available.

 

He says he hates her. He says the typical s tufd WS say. He never really wanted to be with her. She came on strong, we were in a bit great place, he said "what the heck." Didn't think I would find out. Thought he could keep everything quiet and if I found something, he could convince me it was nothing. I didn't give up. He kept speaking to her. She has some mental issues, no doubt, but to fair to her, I am sure he is partially to blame for that. He played her pretty bad.

 

I am tired of being a babysitter. I am tired of feeling like I can't breathe when he is gone. I just want to feel normal again. Of course, how do you stop that even if I choose to divorce? And guess what, then I get a front row view of his life with other women in front of my face.

 

I love him and I realize that I am far too co-dependent. I am trying to work on myself. Reading books. Learning to heal alone. Learning to do the things I love to do. Working on my own hobbies and passions. Focus on my kids. Etc. It still bogs me down.

 

Btw, there was about a 8 month difference between DDay 1 and the final DDay. I think the rollercoaster of thinking everythin was ok and he was done to falling apart again and really affected my mental state. I trust no moment of happiness anymore. I wonder what the motives are. How I am being manipulated.

[merrmeade]

He says the typical s tufd WS say. He never really wanted to be with her. She came on strong, we were in a bit great place, he said "what the heck." Didn't think I would find out. Thought he could keep everything quiet and if I found something, he could convince me it was nothing. ....

 

I love him and I realize that I am far too co-dependent. I am trying to work on myself. Reading books. Learning to heal alone. Learning to do the things I love to do. Working on my own hobbies and passions. Focus on my kids. Etc. It still bogs me down.

 

Btw, there was about a 8 month difference between DDay 1 and the final DDay. I think the rollercoaster of thinking everythin was ok and he was done to falling apart again and really affected my mental state. I trust no moment of happiness anymore. I wonder what the motives are. How I am being manipulated.

I think you should give yourself more credit. You're a lot more aware than I was at the stage you're in. You see through his lines and don't buy into his attempts to minimize and blame-shift. You question his motives AND not least important, YOU want to change and be your own person. It seems overwhelming now, but these are signs of clear thinking, mental health, and character. It doesn't sort itself out all at once, but you will gain power back gradually and put your life in order. I hope that's true and hope that you'll learn to give yourself these affirmations, so progress can make things change faster.

[Ahurtgirl]

I'm not the OW in your situation but I see so much familiarity with the exOM that I was involved with.

Sadly, she is still being cheated on but he is now more careful to not keep his phone on him after he gets home from work, so it's all happening during his work hours away from home with a woman he met through my FB account! They just get better at hiding it.

 

The story was a bit different in that his wife worked long hours at a car dealership with mostly male coworkers and then transfered to a job at a financial advisor that she was also the only female employee. She was surrounded by males on a daily basis and he said she had cheated on him also.

 

I can see you really love your husband and have your hopes high that he can be the man you want him to be... If only you could see the side of your husband that is the cause of all your pain so that you can protect yourself from future heartache. Love can be so blind.

 

Please read up on histrionic personality types, narcissist personality types, and sociopaths, specifically in how they charm and manipulate the women in their lives, love bombing them, and all the traits that go along with these personality disorders. See if your spouse fits into any of these. If so, he more than likely will repeat the habit, if he already isn't continuing to do so.

[wmacbride]

I'm not the OW in your situation but I see so much familiarity with the exOM that I was involved with.

Sadly, she is still being cheated on but he is now more careful to not keep his phone on him after he gets home from work, so it's all happening during his work hours away from home with a woman he met through my FB account! They just get better at hiding it.

 

The story was a bit different in that his wife worked long hours at a car dealership with mostly male coworkers and then transfered to a job at a financial advisor that she was also the only female employee. She was surrounded by males on a daily basis and he said she had cheated on him also.

 

I can see you really love your husband and have your hopes high that he can be the man you want him to be... If only you could see the side of your husband that is the cause of all your pain so that you can protect yourself from future heartache. Love can be so blind.

 

Please read up on histrionic personality types, narcissist personality types, and sociopaths, specifically in how they charm and manipulate the women in their lives, love bombing them, and all the traits that go along with these personality disorders. See if your spouse fits into any of these. If so, he more than likely will repeat the habit, if he already isn't continuing to do so.

 

How about she lets a professional diagnose her husband with a personality disorder, if he indeed has one.

[elaine567]

I haven't read all your threads but if he is a serial cheater then I do not think you can ever assume he is not cheating on you.

BUT if you do not want to leave him, then for your own sanity you need to adopt a more practical approach.

 

YOU need to stop viewing this marriage as a "love match" and more as a "business," a business that is about raising children and making life good for everyone in it.

He obviously does not see you as the "love of his life", "his one and only" so you need to realise that and embrace it, because he, I guess, ain't going to change.

As Ahurtgirl says he will only take it further underground and you will keep tying yourself in knots trying to make sure he is faithful... a totally fruitless task.

 

He probably knows you are going nowhere, so where are the consequences for his actions? There are none, because even if you go silent or cause huge fights every day, he has an OW who can kiss him all better... he loses nothing.

 

SO your options are to stay and make the very best of what you have for you and your kids and remove him from the centre of your world.

He is now just the father of your children and the provider - you cannot really trust him to be much more and you will go mad trying,

 

OR

you just pack up your kids and leave.

[Ahurtgirl]

How about she lets a professional diagnose her husband with a personality disorder, if he indeed has one.

 

I've seen a fair amount of personality disorders slip through professional diagnosis. She needs to become aware of these traits so she can identify personality disorders, and not just in her current situation but if at some time in the future she would leave her marriage and start a new relationship, what red flags to watch put for so she doesn't end up with another cheater. Break the pattern not only for herself but for any kids involved. They learn more from watching what their parents do than from what they are told. If she had a daughter that gets married some day and her daughter's husband cheats on her, it's because she attracted a man like her father and if she stays in her marriage, it'a because she saw her mom stay with her dad that cheated. The pattern can repeat itself from generation to generation.