When trust is forever broken, but love still remains

[Starswillshine]

I don't know if he has or has not had other affairs. I just suspect it. He said this was just a progression. From chatting with chicks, to a full fledged affair. But who the hell knows. I can't believe anything he says. If I could be the type of woman that can turn a blind eye and act like nothing ever happened, we would have the perfect marriage. I thought we did. He takes care of us all, he is loving, attentive, never mean or cruel (if we take out the affair). Once DDay took place, I saw a side of him I have never seen before. 20 years I have been with this man, I have never seen him like this. I don't mean that is his excuse for an affair, I mean how he acted after he was caught.

 

I am so confused. So heartbroken. He says and does the right things, but to ahurtgirl's point, how do I know he didn't just go underground... like he did in past DDays. Though he claims it is different now that I know the entire truth and he hates her since she tried to destroy us.

 

But how can I ever be sure? I can't. And I am not the kind of woman to sit by and just accept affairs.

[BTDT2012]

Btw, there was about a 8 month difference between DDay 1 and the final DDay. I think the rollercoaster of thinking everythin was ok and he was done to falling apart again and really affected my mental state. I trust no moment of happiness anymore. I wonder what the motives are. How I am being manipulated.

Is there any difference between his behavior during that period and his behavior now? Don't worry about trusting him right now. it's on him to prove that he is trustworthy. Focus on you and your children. Figure out what you really want. Have a plan for life without him. It all takes time.

 

Trust God and yourself.

[Starswillshine]

Is there any difference between his behavior during that period and his behavior now? Don't worry about trusting him right now. it's on him to prove that he is trustworthy. Focus on you and your children. Figure out what you really want. Have a plan for life without him. It all takes time.

 

Trust God and yourself.

 

Yes, there are some changes. But I can't really tell if it is genuine or is it because I know the entire story now. I don't know.

 

He is less transparent now... mainly because I think it is useless... I had everything back then, he still continued the old fashion way without use of modern technology.

Edited September 13, 2017 by Starswillshine
Grammar/phone typing issues

[wmacbride]

I've seen a fair amount of personality disorders slip through professional diagnosis. She needs to become aware of these traits so she can identify personality disorders, and not just in her current situation but if at some time in the future she would leave her marriage and start a new relationship, what red flags to watch put for so she doesn't end up with another cheater. Break the pattern not only for herself but for any kids involved. They learn more from watching what their parents do than from what they are told. If she had a daughter that gets married some day and her daughter's husband cheats on her, it's because she attracted a man like her father and if she stays in her marriage, it'a because she saw her mom stay with her dad that cheated. The pattern can repeat itself from generation to generation.

 

maybe so, but you are assuming a lot based on a few words on an internet forum.

[wmacbride]

I don't know if he has or has not had other affairs. I just suspect it. He said this was just a progression. From chatting with chicks, to a full fledged affair. But who the hell knows. I can't believe anything he says. If I could be the type of woman that can turn a blind eye and act like nothing ever happened, we would have the perfect marriage. I thought we did. He takes care of us all, he is loving, attentive, never mean or cruel (if we take out the affair). Once DDay took place, I saw a side of him I have never seen before. 20 years I have been with this man, I have never seen him like this. I don't mean that is his excuse for an affair, I mean how he acted after he was caught.

 

I am so confused. So heartbroken. He says and does the right things, but to ahurtgirl's point, how do I know he didn't just go underground... like he did in past DDays. Though he claims it is different now that I know the entire truth and he hates her since she tried to destroy us.

 

But how can I ever be sure? I can't. And I am not the kind of woman to sit by and just accept affairs.

 

It's not about sitting back and accepting affairs. It's about taking stock of your life and accepting some things you can't change.

 

Dos that mean you are okay with his cheating? Of course not. Will you ever be able to trust him a 100 percent again? I doubt it. Would you ever be able to trust another man? Likely not.

 

Those are the crappy things you have to accept, whether or not you choose to stay with this guy. Leaving him won't change anything, because really, the issue per se isn't "him".

 

That's okay though,and it's exactly as it should be. You'd have to have your head shoved so far up your behind to blindly trust him right now. That being said, the one who has to make a decision here is you. You can decide that you are ready and start the process o moving forward, or, if you feel like you still have parts of this to work through in your on mind, that's okay too Alternatively, you could decide it's not worth the trouble...again, all up to you, and you alone.

 

Reconciling doesn't happen over night. it tales a lonnnggggg time, sometimes years, and for it to be a success depends largely on you. That may sound strange, but when I say that I mean that before you learn to trust him, you have to learn to trust yourself.

 

That right there, is a huge step for many bs. It's hard to put yourself in a position where you could be hurt again.

 

As for him having a personality disorder or mental health issue? Meh. I doubt it, but counseling can still be really helpful for the both of you, no matter what his issues may/may not be.

[GirlofSpain]

I'll try to answer as many questions here as possible.

 

As for the stalker OW, she follows me around, my children around on various social media. I don't get into many details because I am sure she looks here as well. I am sure she looks at all infidelity websites trying to find my story. To have a glimpse into what is going on in our world. It is just creepy.

 

As for whether he has seen her or not, I can't be 100% certain. She does live a plane ride away and he hasn't been to her city since. However, there is always the possibility that she could have flown out to see him somewhere. I'll never know.

 

We did go to couples counseling, but didn't like our counselor. I have a few recommendations from my IC of new ones. We just have a very busy lifestyle and hard pining time down when we are both available.

 

He says he hates her. He says the typical s tufd WS say. He never really wanted to be with her. She came on strong, we were in a bit great place, he said "what the heck." Didn't think I would find out. Thought he could keep everything quiet and if I found something, he could convince me it was nothing. I didn't give up. He kept speaking to her. She has some mental issues, no doubt, but to fair to her, I am sure he is partially to blame for that. He played her pretty bad.

 

I am tired of being a babysitter. I am tired of feeling like I can't breathe when he is gone. I just want to feel normal again. Of course, how do you stop that even if I choose to divorce? And guess what, then I get a front row view of his life with other women in front of my face.

 

I love him and I realize that I am far too co-dependent. I am trying to work on myself. Reading books. Learning to heal alone. Learning to do the things I love to do. Working on my own hobbies and passions. Focus on my kids. Etc. It still bogs me down.

 

Btw, there was about a 8 month difference between DDay 1 and the final DDay. I think the rollercoaster of thinking everythin was ok and he was done to falling apart again and really affected my mental state. I trust no moment of happiness anymore. I wonder what the motives are. How I am being manipulated.

 

I am sorry you are going through this pain. I know. Who am I to say this? But, I do feel for you. DO NOT TRUST HIM. Place VARs and place a monitoring AP on his phone and computers for when he travels. If he isn't doing anything deceitful for as long as you need to trust him, then remove. Take care of yourself. If the OW contacted in the heat of passion once, well okay, but if she is consistently bothering you, take action. I hope you find peace.

[merrmeade]

I don't know if he has or has not had other affairs. I just suspect it. He said this was just a progression. From chatting with chicks, to a full fledged affair. But who the hell knows. I can't believe anything he says. If I could be the type of woman that can turn a blind eye and act like nothing ever happened, we would have the perfect marriage. I thought we did. He takes care of us all, he is loving, attentive, never mean or cruel (if we take out the affair). Once DDay took place, I saw a side of him I have never seen before. 20 years I have been with this man, I have never seen him like this. I don't mean that is his excuse for an affair, I mean how he acted after he was caught.

I relate to all of this—from the suspicions to the changed behavior on his part.

 

I think it's possible that the changed behavior is simply because you know the truth about him, maybe not about all he did, but about HIM. His bubble of deception that he was hiding his secret world in has burst and you see another side that he'd ALSO been hiding. That's how I see it.

 

I discovered a person in my WH I didn't know when I dug up all the flirty, chatty chats and messages he'd exchanged, flirting with women he barely knew or long, deep emails that revealed a sensitive, philosophical but manly rogue. The extent and sophistication of the flirting was a complete shock to me, but what really blew me away was that he knew the buttons to push to attract certain women—kind of how romance novelists create cheesy male profiles that turn women on. I didn't know he was so smooth and clever at pulling women in.

 

So you've kind of blown his cover, and it's annoying to him. Like I said before, give yourself more credit. You're getting more and more savvy, he can't push the same buttons.

 

I trust no moment of happiness anymore. I wonder what the motives are. How I am being manipulated.

 

But he can still try to keep you from seeing the whole picture and sounds like that's what he's holding on to.