I rejected a man I loved and treated him badly. I deeply regret it

[ireallylovedhim]

This is a long story. To put it short: I met a guy online, we talked for more than a year, i fell in love with him, but we didn't meet and it was all my fault. We had a lot in common, I was his type and he was mine. We were perfect for each other minus a few things. he was the only man who ever found me attractive.

 

But I had personal issues. I constantly insulted him whenever i felt insecure or upset about what was happening in my life. i took out my frustrations on him and really hurt him which i know wasn't the right thing to do. i feel terrible about it. seriously i've never had the urge to hurt myself more than i do now. i hate myself so much because of how badly i treated him.

 

even after treating him awfully so many times, he still talked to me. i mean he blocked me a lot but I persistently begged him to come back and he usually did.

 

then i committed the worst possible action that i can never forgive myself for. he lived in the UK, i lived in the USA, so he flew to the USA to meet me...

 

but we didn't meet because i flaked.

 

we talked for so long online and developed an intimate online relationship, he put up with a lot of my bull****, but when he finally flew thousands of miles for me, i didn't show up or even meet him just for coffee or a handshake.

 

I DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE. i actually gave him my address because i KNEW i was going to chicken out. i literally took a picture of my driver's license and sent it to him, seriously i gave him so much information about myself he could've stolen my identity from it. but somehow he lost my address. he asked for it again but i didn't give it to him because i was terrified and anxious. he took that as a rejection, but he doesn't understand me.

I've been diagnosed with severe social anxiety from the past and have shown symptoms of avoidant personality disorder, i knew this was going to happen and i expected him to come no matter what i said. he was supposed to reassure me (i'm an extremely insecure person) and come to my house if i didn't show up at the airport. none of that happened. He never came over. he instead got mad at me and accused me of rejecting him. I DIDN'T REJECT HIM!! i even shaved for him because i wanted him to come over. it was all a huge mess. nothing turned out right. he hates me and i hate me too.

 

I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH FOR IT. I treated him like ****, put him through hell, made him fly thousands of miles and nothing even came out of it. i'm dead to him. i can't live with myself like this. i have to make sure that he forgives me and he's happy. i can barely sleep at night knowing that i pushed away the only man who could love me. worst part of all, he thinks i'm a liar who doesn't love him. he thinks i'm just a manipulative person who stood him up and rejected him intentionally.

 

Someone please help. What can I do to make him forgive me?

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Edited September 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[ExpatInItaly]

No, he isn't "supposed to" reassure you. You don't get to pin that on him. He flew around the world to meet you and you rejected him. It is incredibly unrealistic to have expected him to come to your house anyway when you failed to show up at the airport. Really, you did stand him up. One can only take so much rejection.

 

Yes, you rejected him. And yes, you did it on purpose.

 

I don't mean to say you had a malicious intention or that you wanted to hurt him, mind you. I believe you do indeed have severe anxiety. But you need to start getting real with yourself. What you did is indeed rejecting and it wasn't an accident. Please don't say "I didn't do it on purpose!" That is a cop-out; you admit you knew you were going to do this.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think he will forgive you. I sure wouldn't, I'm afraid. This trip was an utter waste of his time and money, not to mention his feelings. You have mistreated him too many times and you're still not really taking responsibility for your own actions. You're instead saying it was up to him to reassure you and that this wasn't on purpose and wasn't rejection. Girl. No. Just no. You need to reflect on your own sabotaging behaviour and accept accountability.

 

If you are suffering from anxiety this severe, you are not ready to date. I don't say that to be unkind. But you need help, if you're not already getting it. Insulting someone repeatedly, breaking up with him, and completely blowing him when he traveled that far to see you all indicate your anxiety is out of control and that you very much need to learn to regulate your emotions and soothe yourself instead of expecting others to do so. Otherwise, you will continue having chaotic relationships.

 

Sometimes bad decisions cannot be undone. If anything, I do hope you learn from this experience.

[ireallylovedhim]

No, he isn't "supposed to" reassure you. You don't get to pin that on him. He flew around the world to meet you and you rejected him. It is incredibly unrealistic to have expected him to come to your house anyway when you failed to show up at the airport. Really, you did stand him up. One can only take so much rejection.

 

Yes, you rejected him. And yes, you did it on purpose.

 

I don't mean to say you had a malicious intention or that you wanted to hurt him, mind you. I believe you do indeed have severe anxiety. But you need to start getting real with yourself. What you did is indeed rejecting and it wasn't an accident. Please don't say "I didn't do it on purpose!" That is a cop-out; you admit you knew you were going to do this.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think he will forgive you. I sure wouldn't, I'm afraid. This trip was an utter waste of his time and money, not to mention his feelings. You have mistreated him too many times and you're still not really taking responsibility for your own actions. You're instead saying it was up to him to reassure you and that this wasn't on purpose and wasn't rejection. Girl. No. Just no. You need to reflect on your own sabotaging behaviour and accept accountability.

 

If you are suffering from anxiety this severe, you are not ready to date. I don't say that to be unkind. But you need help, if you're not already getting it. Insulting someone repeatedly, breaking up with him, and completely blowing him when he traveled that far to see you all indicate your anxiety is out of control and that you very much need to learn to regulate your emotions and soothe yourself instead of expecting others to do so. Otherwise, you will continue having chaotic relationships.

 

Sometimes bad decisions cannot be undone. If anything, I do hope you learn from this experience.

 

i swear on my life I wanted to meet him. i chickened out at the very last minute but if he showed up at my door, i would've let him in. yes I know I self sabotaged but... i don't know... i wish he would've just came over. what can i do to make him feel better? I don't to make him feel like he got rejected.

[BaileyB]

You didn't just treat this man badly, it sounds like you verbally and emotionally abused him. There is nothing you can do to make him feel better. You need to stay away from him and learn the skills to manage your own anxiety such that you never do this to another person again.

 

Best wishes.

Edited September 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Zahara]

I've been diagnosed with severe social anxiety from the past and have shown symptoms of avoidant personality disorder

 

If you have been diagnosed and you know you have an avoidant personality, then you should not be dating. Work on your issues before roping others into your dysfunction.

 

i knew this was going to happen and i expected him to come no matter what i said. he was supposed to reassure me (i'm an extremely insecure person) and come to my house if i didn't show up at the airport. none of that happened. He never came over. he instead got mad at me and accused me of rejecting him. I DIDN'T REJECT HIM!!

 

Take responsibility for you own behavior. He is NOT responsible for reassuring you or coddling you. You did reject him. Someone flies all the way to your country and you flake. This isn't a 10 minute taxi ride. I don't blame him for reacting the way he is because no one in their right mind would tolerate your behavior.

 

I think you should leave him alone and let him move on. I think you have too much going on to contemplate any type of relationship. I've dated avoidant personalities and it's an incredibly toxic ride. Focus on rebuilding yourself as I am sure he needs to heal from all that he's been through with you.

 

As for forgiveness, you can't make someone forgive you. They need to come to that stage in their own time. You don't get to dictate just because you need to feel better about yourself. Take this as a lesson and reinforcement that change needs to happen.

[ExpatInItaly]

i swear on my life I wanted to meet him. i chickened out at the very last minute but if he showed up at my door, i would've let him in. yes I know I self sabotaged but... i don't know... i wish he would've just came over. what can i do to make him feel better? I don't to make him feel like he got rejected.

 

It's way too late for that; that ship has sailed and it sunk when you failed to meet him at the airport. You blew it, girl.

 

You made some bad choices and will have to accept the consequences. At most, you can apologize and explain your reasoning. I assume you have already done that, though. He is understandably very angry at you right now. You can't make him forgive you. That's out of your hands and would have to come from him, in his own time - if it comes at all.

 

I have to say that this is very likely not fixable, OP.

[Zahara]

i swear on my life I wanted to meet him. i chickened out at the very last minute but if he showed up at my door, i would've let him in. yes I know I self sabotaged but... i don't know... i wish he would've just came over. what can i do to make him feel better? I don't to make him feel like he got rejected.

 

But this is a piece of the dysfunction. You emotionally and verbally abused the man as well.

 

And now you are asking how do you make him feel better?

 

You really need help. I don't mean to be unkind. But I believe your need to smooth this over is because you need what you need to make YOURSELF feel better. You need this to help you with your own discomfort. It has nothing to do with how this man feels. It's selfish.

[ireallylovedhim]

I hope you are in counselling, because you need some help.

 

You didn't just treat this man badly, it sounds like you verbally and emotionally abused him. There is nothing you can do to make him feel better. You need to stay away from him and learn the skills to manage your own anxiety such that you never do this to another person again.

 

Best wishes.

 

no please don't say that... **** MY LIFE god i'm severely depressed knowing i've hurt the ones i loved. GODDDDD i don't know what the **** is wrong with me i pushed him away because i felt like i didn't deserve any love or kindness but at the same time i desperately wanted him to stay with me, and i hurt him tremendously during the entire process. i can't forgive myself or live with myself anymore.

[ireallylovedhim]

But this is a piece of the dysfunction. You emotionally and verbally abused the man as well.

 

And now you are asking how do you make him feel better?

 

You really need help. I don't mean to be unkind. But I believe your need to smooth this over is because you need what you need to make YOURSELF feel better. You need this to help you with your own discomfort. It has nothing to do with how this man feels. It's selfish.

 

no that's not true. I want what's best for him. if he told me he found a new girlfriend and was happy at the moment, i'd be happy too. it kills me inside to think he's hurting or feeling rejected right now. he's single and doesn't have a lot of luck in dating. he says he constantly feels depressed and hopeless. i feel so awful i don't know what to do to make this right.

[BaileyB]

no please don't say that... **** MY LIFE god i'm severely depressed knowing i've hurt the ones i loved. GODDDDD i don't know what the **** is wrong with me i pushed him away because i felt like i didn't deserve any love or kindness but at the same time i desperately wanted him to stay with me, and i hurt him tremendously during the entire process. i can't forgive myself or live with myself anymore.

 

I'm not saying this to be cruel. It is the truth of the situation.

 

If you are unable to cope, please see a doctor. Go see your counsellor.

 

I wish you well, so I'm telling you honestly - you need to get help for yourself. And, you should not be dating until you are more stable. Take care of yourself.

[Zahara]

no that's not true. I want what's best for him. if he told me he found a new girlfriend and was happy at the moment, i'd be happy too. it kills me inside to think he's hurting or feeling rejected right now. he's single and doesn't have a lot of luck in dating. he says he constantly feels depressed and hopeless. i feel so awful i don't know what to do to make this right.

 

Then let him be. Let him move on from this, let him heal and let him put this in the past.

 

You say it kills you inside that he is hurting. When you were emotionally and verbally abusing him -- did it bother you then that it was hurting him? It didn't bother you then because the priority was your own feelings and you took it for granted that he was there as your punching bag. It bothers you now because of the discomfort and rejection you now are feeling and that he is not there to coddle you. It's self-serving.

 

When you love someone you don't treat them poorly. If you do treat them poorly, then the definition of that love is warped. I don't think you love him -- I think you are dependent on him. You misconstrue toxic dependence as love.

 

OP, you are in no position to be focusing on his life and his journey. You are no good for him just as he is possibly in a place where he is unhealthy himself.

 

You make this right by seeking treatment from a professional therapist. And you let him go. He is no more your concern. You need to focus on your own issues.

Edited September 11, 2017 by Zahara

[ireallylovedhim]

Then let him be. Let him move on from this, let him heal and let him put this in the past.

 

You say it kills you inside that he is hurting. When you were emotionally and verbally abusing him -- did it bother you then that it was hurting him? It didn't bother you then because the priority was your own feelings and you took it for granted that he was there as your punching bag. It bothers you now because of the discomfort and rejection you now are feeling and that he is not there to coddle you. It's self-serving.

 

When you love someone you don't treat them poorly. If you do treat them poorly, then the definition of that love is warped. I don't think you love him -- I think you are dependent on him. You misconstrue toxic dependence as love.

 

OP, you are in no position to be focusing on his life and his journey. You are no good for him just as he is possibly in a place where he is unhealthy himself.

 

You make this right by seeking treatment from a professional therapist. And you let him go. He is no more your concern. You need to focus on your own issues.

 

I've always felt terrible after insulting him and tried to take it back every time. i didn't mean all the awful things i ever said to him. he was the ideal tall dark and handsome man for me, everything about him was perfect, yes i used him as a punching bag because of my personal issues but I never meant to hurt him.

[Zahara]

I've always felt terrible after insulting him and tried to take it back every time. i didn't mean all the awful things i ever said to him. he was the ideal tall dark and handsome man for me, everything about him was perfect, yes i used him as a punching bag because of my personal issues but I never meant to hurt him.

 

You can't treat people this way and then claim that you didn't mean it. Your behavior causes damage. Saying you didn't mean it doesn't reverse it.

 

If you have personal issues and have no management or coping skills, then you need to seek professional help.

 

If you have severe social anxiety and an avoidant personality, you need to see someone to help you reverse those traits. Those ingrained traits do not just go away. Focus on yourself and he will do the same. You can't pour from an empty cup.

[BaileyB]

I've always felt terrible after insulting him and tried to take it back every time. i didn't mean all the awful things i ever said to him. he was the ideal tall dark and handsome man for me, everything about him was perfect, yes i used him as a punching bag because of my personal issues but I never meant to hurt him.

 

That's not love.

 

You can't use someone as your punching bag because of your own personal issues and then claim it's "love." It's unhealthy, and abusive... and no emotionally healthy man would ever allow you to do this.

 

And no, he was not perfect. Nobody is perfect. And, there is more to consider when choosing a relationship than whether the man is "tall, dark, and handsome." This man, also dealing with depression and accepting of your abuse, is also unhealthy and unfit for a relationship. It was never going to be a healthy relationship, even if you had picked him up at the airport.

[mikeylo]

OP, very bluntly put , what you are saying is all what an abuser says. Period. Not to mention your actions!

 

What is he thinking? He dodged a bullet. Why he took all your insults/ abuse for so long ? Probably really fell in love with you before your abuse came through and he hoped that it's probably immaturity and then took the leap of faith to come and see you and talk in person. He might have thought that once the physical distance is cut short, communication will get better BUT you showed your true colors and those are text book abusive.

 

From where I see it , there is no forgiveness etc here. He is feeling indifference and counting his blessings.

 

Indifference is kiss of death.

[ireallylovedhim]

OP, very bluntly put , what you are saying is all what an abuser says. Period. Not to mention your actions!

 

What is he thinking? He dodged a bullet. Why he took all your insults/ abuse for so long ? Probably really fell in love with you before your abuse came through and he hoped that it's probably immaturity and then took the leap of faith to come and see you and talk in person. He might have thought that once the physical distance is cut short, communication will get better BUT you showed your true colors and those are text book abusive.

 

From where I see it , there is no forgiveness etc here. He is feeling indifference and counting his blessings.

 

Indifference is kiss of death.

 

I didn't insult him every day or all the time. I tried my best to be a good girlfriend but sometimes I let my emotions get the better of me and slipped up. I truly loved him and no one believes, but it's true. the only reason I didn't meet up with him was because of my insecurity and anxiety.

 

if he doesn't care and is indifferent then I'll be happy. it only hurts me to think that he's in pain or feeling bad in any way. he told me that i was his last hope for love and i showed him that no woman will ever love him (which isn't true), it makes me feel awful seeing him feel that way.

[ireallylovedhim]

That's not love.

 

You can't use someone as your punching bag because of your own personal issues and then claim it's "love." It's unhealthy, and abusive... and no emotionally healthy man would ever allow you to do this.

 

And no, he was not perfect. Nobody is perfect. And, there is more to consider when choosing a relationship than whether the man is "tall, dark, and handsome." This man, also dealing with depression and accepting of your abuse, is also unhealthy and unfit for a relationship. It was never going to be a healthy relationship, even if you had picked him up at the airport.

 

i also loved his personality of course. he's a smart and funny charming guy with an IT job. we both have emotional issues (on top of being each other's physical ideal) which is why we were perfect for each other.

[mikeylo]

I didn't insult him every day or all the time. I tried my best to be a good girlfriend but sometimes I let my emotions get the better of me and slipped up. I truly loved him and no one believes, but it's true. the only reason I didn't meet up with him was because of my insecurity and anxiety.

 

if he doesn't care and is indifferent then I'll be happy. it only hurts me to think that he's in pain or feeling bad in any way. he told me that i was his last hope for love and i showed him that no woman will ever love him (which isn't true), it makes me feel awful seeing him feel that way.

 

Sorry, but this is classic abusive behavior. Its the 'good times' that keeps the victim for so long.

 

What he feels is something you should have thought about when you had him.

 

Get into intensive therapy asap.

[SevenCity]

A good first step would be to reimburse his expenses factoring in the currency conversion and time out of work (vacation days don't grow on trees). Put your money where your mouth is. Are you willing to do that?

 

Then get help until you are ready for a real relationship. You are not even close now.

[Pumpkin008]

OP, may I ask how old you are? How old was the guy?

 

 

You need to let this guy go. I guarantee he is not hurting now as bad as you assume. In fact, he is probably quite happy that he side-stepped such a landmine with you.

 

 

You are trying to justify your actions by claiming to care about his feelings. You don't care about his feelings; otherwise you wouldn't have treated him this way- before and up to when he tried to meet you. Please leave the poor man alone as he is much better off.

[BaileyB]

We both have emotional issues (on top of being each other's physical ideal) which is why we were perfect for each other.

 

You both have emotional issues, which is why you are not perfect for each other. Two people struggling with emotional issues makes for a very unhappy and unhealthy relationship.

 

Focus on your own mental health, before you consider another relationship.

[ireallylovedhim]

OP, may I ask how old you are? How old was the guy?

 

 

You need to let this guy go. I guarantee he is not hurting now as bad as you assume. In fact, he is probably quite happy that he side-stepped such a landmine with you.

 

 

You are trying to justify your actions by claiming to care about his feelings. You don't care about his feelings; otherwise you wouldn't have treated him this way- before and up to when he tried to meet you. Please leave the poor man alone as he is much better off.

 

I'm in my early 20s and he's in his mid 30s

 

you can't tell me how I feel. It's not like I stood him up, i told him months beforehand that i might not show up if I get too nervous.

[Pumpkin008]

I'm in my early 20s and he's in his mid 30s

 

you can't tell me how I feel. It's not like I stood him up, i told him months beforehand that i might not show up if I get too nervous.

 

 

You didn't show up at the airport. How else would you define standing someone up?

 

 

I'm not tell you how you feel- I am pointing out (for a second time now) that you are trying to justify and explain away your behavior. Absolving yourself of responsibility here is not working in your favor. You jerked this guy around and now you are getting everything that you deserve in return.

 

 

Good luck.

[Versacehottie]

I'm in my early 20s and he's in his mid 30s

 

you can't tell me how I feel. It's not like I stood him up, i told him months beforehand that i might not show up if I get too nervous.

 

I'm wondering if you know how irrational this sounds? Do you? It shows the depth of your issues and how much you need help and you really have no business visiting your problems on other people right now. You need to get mentally healthy where you are able to meet someone--there really isn't a relationship without that. Fix yourself first and when you are in a much better place than you are now, revisit the possibility of fixing things with him or finding a new in real life boyfriend.

 

BTW, when you do your counseling, you should speak to them about the victim's mentality you seem to have. Such as you notified him of your social anxiety therefore that absolves you of the responsibility you have toward the relationship and promises you made, at the lengths he went to. Idk, i see lots of victim mentality throughout your posts on this thread. I know you are in a low place but that is usually a way of coping. You will do better in managing your life and relationships if you can improve & do away with that. Getting this guy back won't solve your problems. It's his prerogative to have decided that dealing with a person in your condition was "too much", i.e. he recognizes the depth of your issues. So now you just need to recognize them and address them. Good luck.

Edited September 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[kendahke]

I have to question what kind of mental condition he's got to have in order to take the verbal abuse tsunamis you unleash over and over again and still board a plane to the states to see you?

 

From what I'm reading, I don't think you're really that concerned about him and how he's feeling--you're more concerned with having your way and not having a target for your abuse.

 

You need a therapist/psychiatrist more than you need a boyfriend.