I rejected a man I loved and treated him badly. I deeply regret it

[Zahara]

I'm in my early 20s and he's in his mid 30s

 

you can't tell me how I feel. It's not like I stood him up, i told him months beforehand that i might not show up if I get too nervous.

 

You're full of excuses. Oh, poor me...he should have understood me, he should have not have rejected me, he should have assured me, he should have come to my house eventhough I didn't show up at the airport, he should have known I would possibly stand him up because of my issues. Get over yourself.

 

The man didn't drive 10 minutes to a coffee shop to meet you. He flew to you. He came to a foreign country with no friends or family to fallback on. He had to spend a good amount of money to meet you. He arrived at the airport and you weren't there. You think you didn't stand him up?? You're either incredibly selfish or clueless. If you were nervous, you should have told him not to come and that you weren't ready. You don't toy with people that way.

 

You take zero responsibility. You don't love this man. Love doesn't abuse. It doesn't tear someone down.

 

You have a warped sense of how to love and treat someone lovingly. Maybe you want to love but you don't truly know how because you're riddled with your own dysfunction.

Edited September 11, 2017 by Zahara

[kendahke]

i also loved his personality of course. he's a smart and funny charming guy with an IT job. we both have emotional issues (on top of being each other's physical ideal) which is why we were perfect for each other.

 

The truth of the matter is: you don't know that you're each other's physical ideal because you've never stood in the same place, face to face, with each other. Skype, Whatsapp, etc., are not good substituted for being face to face in the same place over the course of time.

 

This whole thing has been lived out in each of your heads. You both have an artificial construct built of what your idea of the other is: it has nothing to do with who each of you actual is.

 

So, as long as you weren't meeting face to face, yeah, it probably felt perfect. Once the imperfect you's were about to meet, face to face, you ran and hid.

 

I agree with Seven City--you need to reimburse him for the plane ticket and hotel expense because what you did was plain wrong.

[kendahke]

I'm in my early 20s and he's in his mid 30s

 

you can't tell me how I feel.

 

We don't need to know your feelings.

 

We can tell you how human nature plays out. It never changes.

It's not like I stood him up

 

You did stand him up:

stand someone up

phrasal verb of stand

1.

informal

fail to keep an appointment with a boyfriend or girlfriend.

synonyms: fail to keep a date with, fail to meet, fail to keep an appointment with, jilt

 

So, yeah, you did.

 

i told him months beforehand that i might not show up if I get too nervous.

 

What did you tell him the day before he got on the plane?

 

If you get like that, then you don't need to be dating anyone; certainly not someone who has to go through the indignities of customs in order to meet you.

 

When I met my guy friend in the UK, I was nervous as was he, but you know what? He was at the airport to meet me. There are some things, as an adult, about which you get a grip on yourself and do it.

Edited September 11, 2017 by kendahke

[ireallylovedhim]

You're full of excuses. Oh, poor me...he should have understood me, he should have not have rejected me, he should have assured me, he should have come to my house eventhough I didn't show up at the airport, he should have known I would possibly stand him up because of my issues. Get over yourself.

 

The man didn't drive 10 minutes to a coffee shop to meet you. He flew to you. He came to a foreign country with no friends or family to fallback on. He had to spend a good amount of money to meet you. He arrived at the airport and you weren't there. You think you didn't stand him up?? You're either incredibly selfish or clueless. If you were nervous, you should have told him not to come and that you weren't ready. You don't toy with people that way.

 

You take zero responsibility. You don't love this man. Love doesn't abuse. It doesn't tear someone down.

 

You have a warped sense of how to love and treat someone lovingly. Maybe you want to love but you don't truly know how because you're riddled with your own dysfunction.

We don't need to know your feelings.

 

We can tell you how human nature plays out. It never changes.

 

 

You did stand him up:

 

 

So, yeah, you did.

 

 

 

What did you tell him the day before he got on the plane?

 

If you get like that, then you don't need to be dating anyone; certainly not someone who has to go through the indignities of customs in order to meet you.

 

When I met my guy friend in the UK, I was nervous as was he, but you know what? He was at the airport to meet me. There are some things, as an adult, about which you get a grip on yourself and do it.

 

 

 

A person with SA/AvPD can't just force themselves to do something social, it is literally a life ruining illness that ruins careers, educational tracks, and relationships.

 

Itold him months beforehand i might not show up so he rearranged travel plans to meet up with someone else. he spent a week with the other person and they also picked him up from the airport. i wasn't toying with him.

 

I truly loved him and I know he must be hurt from all of this, i'm just showing what caused me to act that way. I wasn't trying to absolve all responsibility. i love him and i want to make sure that he's happy with his life and isn't crushed by what he perceives to be my rejection.

Edited September 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[Versacehottie]

A person with SA/AvPD can't just force themselves to do something social, it is literally a life ruining illness that ruins careers, educational tracks, and relationships. Obviously you have failed relationships in the past with avoidant women and you're trying to take out your anger on me. your bitterness is showing.

 

Itold him months beforehand i might not show up so he rearranged travel plans to meet up with someone else. he spent a week with the other person and they also picked him up from the airport. i wasn't toying with him.

 

I truly loved him and I know he must be hurt from all of this, i'm just showing what caused me to act that way. I wasn't trying to absolve all responsibility. i love him and i want to make sure that he's happy with his life and isn't crushed by what he perceives to be my rejection.

 

Then you have no business trying to put yourself in a social (or romantic) relationship. Aren't you failing to see the priority here? The priority is taking care of yourself and managing your social anxiety so you CAN have relationships. Not using it as an excuse to treat people poorly.

 

Listen you said it several posts back, about wanting to die or something to that effect. That's a 911 to mental health help--nothing else is as important as not feeling that hopeless. So that is the obvious priority.

Edited September 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, are you in therapy for your issues with anxiety and AvPD?

 

The truth is that you need to forget about having a relationship with this guy. That is almost definitely not an option anymore.

 

Instead, you really must focus on dealing with your problems. The way you treated this man was awful and unacceptable, but hopefully this will be a catalyst for positive changes, for you. You made some stunningly bad choices here - the question is, are you prepared to truly accept the consequences and learn from them?

[BaileyB]

As someone who works with individuals who have anxiety and other mental health issues and someone who has struggled at times with anxiety - I'm respectfully telling you to seek help for your anxiety.

 

Even if you have social anxiety, you do not have permission to use someone as your personal punching bag and do what you have done to this man. This behavior is inexcusable and certainly not justified when you say that you "love" him or that you regret your behavior.

 

Get some help for yourself, let this man go, and don't date anymore until your mental health is more stable.

[Zahara]

A person with SA/AvPD can't just force themselves to do something social, it is literally a life ruining illness that ruins careers, educational tracks, and relationships. Obviously you have failed relationships in the past with avoidant women and you're trying to take out your anger on me. your bitterness is showing.

 

Itold him months beforehand i might not show up so he rearranged travel plans to meet up with someone else. he spent a week with the other person and they also picked him up from the airport. i wasn't toying with him.

 

I truly loved him and I know he must be hurt from all of this, i'm just showing what caused me to act that way. I wasn't trying to absolve all responsibility. i love him and i want to make sure that he's happy with his life and isn't crushed by what he perceives to be my rejection.

 

Then don't date. You are in no position to date, or even attempt a long distance relationship. If you realize you have issues, you focus your energy working on yourself so that you can manage your emotional and mental issues.

 

You don't get to treat people poorly and justify your behavior by expecting people to tolerate your behavior just because you don't know any better.

Edited September 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Zahara]

An avoidant personality does not give you a pass to treat someone badly nor does it justify tolerance.

 

You emotionally and verbally abused this man. Any man with a good dose of self-esteem would have told you to go kick rocks. Any person that tolerates abuse is unhealthy themselves.

 

You sound very entitled. I am XYZ but everyone needs to bend over backwards and tolerate and understand my toxic behavior. It doesn't work that way.

Edited September 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[coolheadal]

Sad case of blues on this one.. Can't have all your eggs in one basket and what ever your goal was look at the end result. Chalk this one up as learning clue never do wrong to others as in the end it can bite you in the butt harder than you think!

[ireallylovedhim]

An avoidant personality does not give you a pass to treat someone badly nor does it justify tolerance.

 

You emotionally and verbally abused this man. Any man with a good dose of self-esteem would have told you to go kick rocks. Any person that tolerates abuse is unhealthy themselves.

 

You sound very entitled. I am XYZ but everyone needs to bend over backwards and tolerate and understand my toxic behavior. It doesn't work that way.

 

Yes I understand this and agree with this. that's not the point of this thread. i'm not saying i want him to tolerate any of my abuse or get back together with me anymore. after he flew to usa for me and i didn't show up, i understand he has no reason to be with me anymore. the thing is i messaged him a few times after he flew to USA and he seemed extremely depressed and jaded, and said that i killed his hopes for love. I DON'T WANT HIM TO FEEL THAT WAY. i want him to forgive me. and how can you say that he can't forgive me? some people forgive their rapists, people who murdered their loved ones, or people who have wronged them in anyway, NOT so the rapists/murderers get a free pass, but so the victims can move on and live happily with their lives without that baggage. do you understand what i'm trying to say here. and yes it completely ruins me to think i hurt him because i loved him and at one point maybe he loved me too. of course i want him to tell me that everything with his life is fine and he doesn't mind; knowing that he didn't take the whole ordeal too seriously would take a huge weight off my shoulders. the guilt eats away at me constantly and i can't go on a single day without feeling awful about what i've done.

Edited September 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MidwestUSA]

OP, it's pretty simple. You can't force him to forgive you; the work for that has to come from him. And, you shouldn't expect to be forgiven.

 

Your next move is

 

nothing.

 

You've done plenty (understatement), now back off and work on yourself. Leave him alone.

[Shining One]

i want him to forgive me.

What have you done to show you're remorseful and actually deserve forgiveness? If I were in his position, this would be a requirement before I could even consider forgiveness.

A good first step would be to reimburse his expenses factoring in the currency conversion and time out of work (vacation days don't grow on trees). Put your money where your mouth is.

Edited September 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[spiderowl]

i swear on my life I wanted to meet him. i chickened out at the very last minute but if he showed up at my door, i would've let him in. yes I know I self sabotaged but... i don't know... i wish he would've just came over. what can i do to make him feel better? I don't to make him feel like he got rejected.

 

I know what it is like to have anxiety. Your anxiety is such that you cannot consider this guy's feelings. You are not the right person for him. He came a long way to see you. You did not meet him. When he asked your address, you refused to give it. You made it as difficult as possible for him to see you. Whatever you think are you doing, you are engineering things so that you don't have to meet him.

 

One half of you wants to be close to this guy; the other half is keeping you away. Until you can get therapy or medications to get control of yourself, you are not fit to date him. I guess at the moment you feel you are out of your own control and that can't be a comfortable feeling. Unless you acknowledge that part of you is deliberately keeping him away, I don't see how you can deal with this. You need to be honest with yourself and find out what scares you so much.

 

I doubt you can reconcile with this guy because he is not likely to take the risk of trying to meet you again. How many other potential relationships have you sabotaged? Do you know why you are doing this?

[ireallylovedhim]

As someone who works with individuals who have anxiety and other mental health issues and someone who has struggled at times with anxiety - I'm respectfully telling you to seek help for your anxiety.

 

Even if you have social anxiety, you do not have permission to use someone as your personal punching bag and do what you have done to this man. This behavior is inexcusable and certainly not justified when you say that you "love" him or that you regret your behavior.

 

Get some help for yourself, let this man go, and don't date anymore until your mental health is more stable.

 

All I'm saying is that's what caused me to do it, it wasn't like it was a malicious attack on purpose or anything like that. I already said I know it doesnt make it right in the first few paragraphs. He thought It was intentional, that I rejected him because I thought he was ugly or unlovable or something like that, but as you can see from the OP that's not true. I thought he was handsome and the best boyfriend possible for me.

 

I want him to know that I truly loved him,yes I DID and NO ONE can tell me otherwise. I know what I feel. I think about him almost every day all the time, I think about how his day could've been, I think about how he might be feeling and when he's feeling pain I feel the need to feel pain too. When I read his messages about how he's depressed I feel like dying. When I read that he's lonely and feeling like no one woman will ever i feel like cutting myself open for adding onto his beliefs. In the past when I treated him like **** I felt like overdosing and landing myself in the hospital after because of how bad I felt that I made him feel depressed when I should've been supporting him. I don't feel that way about any other guy, that's how I know I really love him and have feelings for him.

Edited September 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[olivetree]

As was mentioned before, you can't make someone forgive you.

But you can do your best to communicate your remorse in a respectful way.

 

What have you done to show you're remorseful and actually deserve forgiveness? If I were in his position, this would be a requirement before I could even consider forgiveness.

 

Can you answer this OP?

That will help us come up with helpful advice for you.

[Snow_Queen]

I want to try and explain the other side of this situation which may help explain this guy's reluctance to forgive.

 

The repercussions of verbal and psychological abuse are not just long term but can become permanent. As someone who endured nearly a decade of it, the damage it does to the victim can be so severe they never fully recover. Abuse can even cause chronic pain along with chronic depression. Those were my parting gifts.

 

I know that was an extreme example but really I wanted to convey the seriousness of abuse. Take this as a learning experience and let him be. Forgiveness will only go so far. Forgetting is almost impossible.

[DashRiprock]

Why the hell are you dating? Go see a therapist, seriously. Not trying to be mean, but you sound very immature and highly dysfunctional--not even close to being able to carry out a semi-normal relationship.

 

Also, stupid of the guy to even agree to meet a girl on another continent he met online. Serves him right.

 

Just when I thought I've hard every F'ed up dating story, this story is absolutely 100% ludicrous.

 

Maybe you two can go on Oprah.

[Ruby Slippers]

As I'm sure you're aware by now, people can be very judgmental about mental health issues.

 

He got to know you for a year, so I'm sure he didn't fly over the ocean with no idea about the risks.

 

What's done is done. All you can do now is let it go, move on, and seek healing for yourself.

[ireallylovedhim]

I want to try and explain the other side of this situation which may help explain this guy's reluctance to forgive.

 

The repercussions of verbal and psychological abuse are not just long term but can become permanent. As someone who endured nearly a decade of it, the damage it does to the victim can be so severe they never fully recover. Abuse can even cause chronic pain along with chronic depression. Those were my parting gifts.

 

I know that was an extreme example but really I wanted to convey the seriousness of abuse. Take this as a learning experience and let him be. Forgiveness will only go so far. Forgetting is almost impossible.

 

god no. this is the sort of **** that makes me want to strangle myself. i'm not religious but i pray every night that he doesn't suffer any long term consequences. this is almost exactly why i made this thread, i don't want him to develop any kind of depression or suffer from lower self esteem because of me. he's already really down on himself and i hate myself so much for making him feel worse. there must be something i can do to make him completely forgive me or make him realize that the way i treated him had nothing to do with him. i really hope he doesn't internalize my poor treatment or rejection because it wasn't personal at all.

[ireallylovedhim]

I know what it is like to have anxiety. Your anxiety is such that you cannot consider this guy's feelings. You are not the right person for him. He came a long way to see you. You did not meet him. When he asked your address, you refused to give it. You made it as difficult as possible for him to see you. Whatever you think are you doing, you are engineering things so that you don't have to meet him.

 

One half of you wants to be close to this guy; the other half is keeping you away. Until you can get therapy or medications to get control of yourself, you are not fit to date him. I guess at the moment you feel you are out of your own control and that can't be a comfortable feeling. Unless you acknowledge that part of you is deliberately keeping him away, I don't see how you can deal with this. You need to be honest with yourself and find out what scares you so much.

 

I doubt you can reconcile with this guy because he is not likely to take the risk of trying to meet you again. How many other potential relationships have you sabotaged? Do you know why you are doing this?

 

but I DID give him my address. I gave him all my information. so much in fact that if he wanted to take out a loan with that information, he could.

 

he was with another person at that time, somewhere in a different city. i didn't trust the guy he was with and i didn't want him over my house. that added onto my reluctance and insecurity. at that moment, all i wanted to do was hide under my covers and never come out. i felt like I was too paralyzed to give him my address again. i desperately WANTED to meet him but nothing turned out the way i planned it in my head.

 

what's keeping me away is that i had a bad relationship like this in the past where my "ex" didn't accept me and the relationship didn't work out. i didn't want to repeat the experience. i needed extra reassurance because of that, on top of being bullied and isolated all my life. i'm so insecure and emotionally vulnerable to the point where any damage no matter how slight to my self esteem will completely destroy me, especially since i loved him, his feelings towards me mattered the most. if he treated me badly or didn't keep his erection IRL then i don't know what i'd do. it was a defense mechanism. it was another case of rejecting someone before they could reject me which is very typical among people with low self esteem and anxiety, if you truly had anxiety you would understand how that feels. i have to go to extreme lengths to emotionally protect myself or i'll end up killing myself or doing something stupid. i know he has feelings too and probably feels the same way, he trusted me not to hurt him, but I was too weak and cowardly to do the same for him. you have no idea how much this kills me inside.

Edited September 12, 2017 by ireallylovedhim

[James Rob]

IF you regret go on let him be with you. If he is deserve to your love.

[healing light]

Alright, this is neither here nor there in terms of the topic of your post, but for your anxiety--I highly recommend going on YouTube and learning about EFT (emotional freedom technique). Super short process that is the best thing I've ever done for emotional problems and traumas.

 

I would tap on your feelings with this situation and certain beliefs and anxieties in particular, because until you get a hold on them, they are going to sabotage any future romantic endeavors you may have. Best of luck!

[guest569]

You messed up and need to accept it and accept that he may never forgive you. This is the first step towards healing. He is some guy you never even met, not the love of your life

 

Keep getting professional support.

[guest569]

His forgiveness will not magically allow you to forgive yourself. You need to learn from this, improve yourself and in time you will forgive yourself.