I rejected a man I loved and treated him badly. I deeply regret it

[anna121]

There isn't anything you can do, really, to MAKE him understand what you are feeling, or believe that you are sincere, or get him to forgive you. Certainly not right now.

 

The only thing that can work, and that is entirely dependent upon other things, is time.

[William]

After a second clean up in as many days I will remind you that our Community Guidelines regarding civility and respect are always in effect and apply to everyone.

 

Those contributing to the thread may notice a delay in the OPs replies. ~T

[ireallylovedhim]

You messed up and need to accept it and accept that he may never forgive you. This is the first step towards healing. He is some guy you never even met, not the love of your life

 

Keep getting professional support.

 

I never met him but i considered our relationship to be real. we talked almost every day and shared intimate details and pictures, sexted lol, talked on the phone, shared the same online activities sometimes. i even talked to his mom on the phone once and he talked to my brother. it was real to me and yes i did love him. he is a real person behind the screen after all. god it depresses me thinking about our virtual times together, i deserve death for not meeting him when i had the chance.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I will offer another reason why I don't think there is any way to fix this.

 

You know you have a pattern of severe anxious and avoidant behaviour. You cannot manage that on your own, as you clearly demonstrated with this episode. Because you don't seem to have learned any healthy coping mechanisms to deal with your anxiety and insecurity, this is extremely likely to happen again.

 

In other words, sure, you might theoretically resume an online relationship with him (Though I don't think even that will be possible) But when push comes to shove and you actually need to do the hard work in forging an emotionally and physically intimate relationship, you don't have the appropriate tools or healthy thought processes to not run away and reject him again. What you are seeking from this guy now (forgiveness) is a temporary Band-Aid to a much bigger problem that will resurface again. It will do nothing to remedy your issues.

 

Add to that the emotional and verbal abuse leading up to this, and he's got no good reason to even want to try with you anymore. My previous relationship was with a verbally and emotionally abusive man, who left me feeling very rejected too. Like you, he pushed me away as hard as he could and then expected me to assuage his guilt for being such a dang arse-hole. I can tell you, the pain of that mistreatment stays with you. It lingers a long time after the person is actually gone from your life.

 

Even if this guy does someday tell you he forgives you, your chances for a relationship are virtually zero. I don't hate my abusive ex; in fact, I wish him the best and hope he gets the help he desperately needs. But would I ever go back? Not a snowball's chance in hell. Forgiveness is not synonymous with reconciliation.

[ireallylovedhim]

I was so cruel to a guy I liked and wanted to be with because of my insecurities and social anxiety. I kept pushing him away and preemptively rejecting him whenever I felt that he wasn't reciprocating my feelings to assuage my emotional pain. He was my ideal man: a tall, dark, and handsome guy with an IT job. We had a lot in common and we were perfect for each other.

 

After I rejected him, he told me that I was his last hope for love and he's giving up on women because of me. I hate myself so much for making him feel that way. I truly found him attractive, inside and out, and it kills me that I only added on to his beliefs that he's unlovable.

 

I keep begging for his forgiveness but he's not having any of it. I told him I'll do anything he wants in order for him to forgive me. I deserve bad things to happen to me. I can't live with the guilt. I want him to do something horrible to me so I can forgive myself and justify it in my mind somehow, BUT HE WON'T. He's such a good man, he still doesn't want to do anything bad to me. That amplifies my guilt, regret, and love for him ten fold.

 

I wish I could turn back time, be with him and make him feel like he's the most handsome man in the world. I want to tell him I love him and I'm sorry, but he doesn't believe me. He thinks everything I say is a lie. He told me that I'm dead to him now and he hates me, well I hate myself too.

 

Is there anything I can do to make him forgive me?

[coolheadal]

I was so cruel to a guy I liked and wanted to be with because of my insecurities and social anxiety. I kept pushing him away and preemptively rejecting him whenever I felt that he wasn't reciprocating my feelings to assuage my emotional pain. He was my ideal man: a tall, dark, and handsome guy with an IT job. We had a lot in common and we were perfect for each other.

 

After I rejected him, he told me that I was his last hope for love and he's giving up on women because of me. I hate myself so much for making him feel that way. I truly found him attractive, inside and out, and it kills me that I only added on to his beliefs that he's unlovable.

 

I keep begging for his forgiveness but he's not having any of it. I told him I'll do anything he wants in order for him to forgive me. I deserve bad things to happen to me. I can't live with the guilt. I want him to do something horrible to me so I can forgive myself and justify it in my mind somehow, BUT HE WON'T. He's such a good man, he still doesn't want to do anything bad to me. That amplifies my guilt, regret, and love for him ten fold.

 

I wish I could turn back time, be with him and make him feel like he's the most handsome man in the world. I want to tell him I love him and I'm sorry, but he doesn't believe me. He thinks everything I say is a lie. He told me that I'm dead to him now and he hates me, well I hate myself too.

 

Is there anything I can do to make him forgive me?

 

No! You made your point you rejected him. Of course today anything can happen or change it's up to him to decide his and yours faith. Most will just move on and forget they were rejected by a female. You need to move on as well.

[smackie9]

It's not just the fact you rejected him, it seems to me he sees that you haven't got any control over your anxiety issues, so he doesn't want to continue dealing with it.

 

Get some help, and learn from your mistakes. Move on.

[Mike B.]

Try to separate feelings of guilt and true adoration and affection for this guy and see what you come up with. Really reflect on it.

[Gr8fuln2020]

No. If he is what you say he is, I also suspect that his self-loathing or insecurities about dating is temporary. He'll move on and find someone else.

 

Some people, people who are confident in who they are are less likely to compromise or take any crap. Move on and try to find a way to control your emotions.

 

Good luck!

[basil67]

I looked at your history for context http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/634654-i-rejected-man-i-loved-treated-him-badly-i-deeply-regret

 

He flew thousands of miles to meet you and you stood him up. Between this behaviour and treating him badly during your online thing, there's really no coming back.

[HiCrunchy]

I wish a man loved me enough to fly across the ocean just to see me.

Some of us can't even get a text back. Girl....

 

Leave the poor guy alone. I honestly think this is beyond fixing

[ireallylovedhim]

I wish a man loved me enough to fly across the ocean just to see me.

Some of us can't even get a text back. Girl....

 

Leave the poor guy alone. I honestly think this is beyond fixing

 

I hate myself so much for this. It's so rare that a guy is interested in me and wants to date me, yet I sabotaged everything and pushed him away. I will never have a healthy relationship. i hate myself.

[Mike B.]

I looked at your history for context http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/634654-i-rejected-man-i-loved-treated-him-badly-i-deeply-regret

 

He flew thousands of miles to meet you and you stood him up. Between this behaviour and treating him badly during your online thing, there's really no coming back.

 

Really? Yes, this is done and no one can blame this poor guy.

[itsanything]

wow you let him fly around the globe to meet you and didn't show up? I'd call you a horrible person for doing that.

[ExpatInItaly]

I hate myself so much for this. It's so rare that a guy is interested in me and wants to date me, yet I sabotaged everything and pushed him away. I will never have a healthy relationship. i hate myself.

 

OP, you have been asked this several times: what are you currently doing to address your mental health issues?

 

He is gone. There is no coming back from this one.

 

But you can make positive changes so that you don't treat someone like this again. All I have really seen in your threads is an explanation of your problems, but you have not indicated what - if anything - you are doing to resolve them.

[basil67]

I hate myself so much for this. It's so rare that a guy is interested in me and wants to date me, yet I sabotaged everything and pushed him away. I will never have a healthy relationship. i hate myself.

 

Hating yourself serves no purpose. It's just self pity.

 

Learning from it and making positive changes are what counts. So what changes have you made?

[guest569]

Hating yourself serves no purpose. It's just self pity.

 

Learning from it and making positive changes are what counts. So what changes have you made?

 

That's it! Enough of the self-hate. We are all human and make mistakes. It doesn't mean that you can't change things from here on. Learn from this, improve yourself and look to the future. Right now you are just letting anxiety win.

[Miss Spider]

The man I love hates me too, OP. I can definitely empathize. I dun goofed beyond repair but you know what??? You learn so much from these experiences. Remember, you didn't do it on purpose. Don't hate yourself. Forgive yourself and move forward improved for your next love.

Edited September 23, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[ireallylovedhim]

I hate myself tremendously. I wish I would've treated him better. I wish I would've met him when I had the chance. I wish I wasn't as fat and ugly as I am so I could have more confidence to show up when he flew to meet me. I hate myself everyday. I asked him what can I do for him and now he's asking for nudes but I'm way too fat and ugly and my body is destroyed from self harming. I can't do it I just can't do it unless I pay some other girl with a good body to do it. He wants me to write a name down too so I can't just get some fake picture. My body isn't good enough to take pictures of I hate myself!

[ireallylovedhim]

So the guy I loved is talking to me again after I spammed and begged him, he surprisingly hasn't blocked me! I was begging for his forgiveness for months and kept asking him what can I do for him, well he said that he wants nudes with my name written on my body. This is the worst possible thing to ask because I'm so insecure about my body and I feel like I can't do it!!! Whenever he asked for nudes in the past I always gave him fake pictures but unless I photoshop the name then there's no way I can fake it this time. :(

 

I hate it so much when guys ask for nudes or any pictures in general because of how fat and ugly I am. My body is far too destroyed and disgusting to take any pictures of. This sucks so much!!!

Edited September 26, 2017 by ireallylovedhim

[ireallylovedhim]

And the worst part right now is that he's saying he doesn't care about my weight, and I have to learn how to trust him, and if I don't send it then that means I don't trust him. He has me in a really tight spot!!! I want to show him I really like him and trust him but he has to bring my biggest (literally) insecurity into this!!!!!

[BaileyB]

And the worst part right now is that he's saying he doesn't care about my weight, and I have to learn how to trust him, and if I don't send it then that means I don't trust him. He has me in a really tight spot!!! I want to show him I really like him and trust him but he has to bring my biggest (literally) insecurity into this!!!!!

 

Has he done anything to earn your trust? No. You are not even in a relationship with this dude. What a jerk - trying to guilt you into sending nude photos. I'm saying... Not healthy and you will regret this.

 

Time to spend some time on your own and work on your issues. Good luck.

[Redhead14]

So the guy I loved is talking to me again after I spammed and begged him, he surprisingly hasn't blocked me! I was begging for his forgiveness for months and kept asking him what can I do for him, well he said that he wants nudes with my name written on my body. This is the worst possible thing to ask because I'm so insecure about my body and I feel like I can't do it!!! Whenever he asked for nudes in the past I always gave him fake pictures but unless I photoshop the name then there's no way I can fake it this time. :(

 

I hate it so much when guys ask for nudes or any pictures in general because of how fat and ugly I am. My body is far too destroyed and disgusting to take any pictures of. This sucks so much!!!

 

 

I hate it so much when guys ask for nudes or any pictures in general because of how fat and ugly I am. -- THE REASONS YOU SHOULD HATE IT WHEN GUYS ASK FOR NUDES IS THAT IT IS DISRESPECTFUL TO YOU AND A SIGN THAT THE GUY ONLY WANTS SEX WITH YOU!!!!

 

Stop trying to date until you get a grip on your boundaries and self-respect.

[knabe]

Yes I understand this and agree with this. that's not the point of this thread. i'm not saying i want him to tolerate any of my abuse or get back together with me anymore. after he flew to usa for me and i didn't show up, i understand he has no reason to be with me anymore. the thing is i messaged him a few times after he flew to USA and he seemed extremely depressed and jaded, and said that i killed his hopes for love. I DON'T WANT HIM TO FEEL THAT WAY. i want him to forgive me. and how can you say that he can't forgive me? some people forgive their rapists, people who murdered their loved ones, or people who have wronged them in anyway, NOT so the rapists/murderers get a free pass, but so the victims can move on and live happily with their lives without that baggage. do you understand what i'm trying to say here. and yes it completely ruins me to think i hurt him because i loved him and at one point maybe he loved me too. of course i want him to tell me that everything with his life is fine and he doesn't mind; knowing that he didn't take the whole ordeal too seriously would take a huge weight off my shoulders. the guilt eats away at me constantly and i can't go on a single day without feeling awful about what i've done.

 

This is about control. You want to control the outcome. You want to control him. That is really what a lot of your disorder boils down to.

 

But you can't. You cannot control anyone else, what they do, what they feel - none of it. Honestly, he does not HAVE to forgive you. No, he doesn't.

 

You can only control you. And you are not doing a very good job of that right now. Focus ALL your energy on complying with good treatment to get better.

[knabe]

If I had a real loving boyfriend and friends then I would not be in this situation right now.

 

No

 

IF you would comply with treatment, get serious about helping yourself, and learn to be content, THEN your life would improve.