Should the Act of Any Intimacy be Hurtful?

[justconfused25]

Hello fellow loveshackers...long time lurker and like many of you, I never intended nor dreamt of being the OM but here I am. As it's my first experience going through this, I realized that the hardest parts surviving through every day is getting the imagery or imagination of your "partner" and their spouse being intimate out of my head. I'm sure i'm not alone on this and how could we not?

 

Every time my mind even broaches that area, I turn into a ball of jealous rage where I tear down the chances of us actually being together. I thought; if only there was a guarantee that they were never intimate, it would only be a fight against time before she leaves him and that was a battle I am willing to conquer. It seems that it is always this one mental roadblock that stirs all of the doubt and hopelessness. This is the main problem I have noticed a lot of us encounter; when our partner is not physically with us, our minds wander for the worse and that is them having sex.

 

But what if there was a way to unlock the mind to think differently about intimacy and sex? Well, i'm beginning to have the perspective that the act of any intimacy (sex, kissing, holding hands) itself is nothing but a mere act like any other. As long as the INTENT of your partner is not actually to be affectionate to their spouse, it is no different than another gesture.

 

This is ASSUMING: they actually have no feelings left for their spouse and that their love is true to just you. Obviously, this theory breaks down when they have manipulative and deceitful intentions towards you but that is beyond the discussion of this topic.

 

These examples will get progressively wider but have an open mind:

 

1. Someone accidentally comes up and grabs your partner's butt. You wouldn't be mad if it was purely accidental, would you? Yet if the intention was to purposely feel it, then you have every right to be.

 

2. If your partner was holding hands with their spouse momentarily not because they felt the emotional need to but because the kids were around, would you get upset?

 

3. Lastly, if your partner for whatever reason had to have sex with their spouse (marriage obligation, scared not to, etc) even though there was no feelings there and they were thinking about you the whole time, would you be upset? Obviously, this last example is the most far-reaching one but is there really a concern to be mad when their heart lies with you?

 

As long as the purpose and intent of your partner's acts are pure, is it just a necessary evil where they have to go through the motions before they can be with you? Can the act of sex when viewed this way then be under the same light as perhaps shaking hands? I'm not 100% sure yet myself and I am welcome to any thoughts and opinions..some may think this is mental gymnastics. Feel free to share.

[basil67]

Why would you assume they have no feelings left for their spouse? Even if things have fallen apart to the point where intercourse no longer happens, I'd lay money they still spoon in bed every night and see each other naked when changing.

 

If you have to make any assumption, it should be that they are intimate to some degree and by choice. Then decide whether or not you're OK with continuing in the relationship.

[Veronica73]

I would say 1 and 2 are no concern.

 

3...gross. I get that people sometimes think of other people when they are having sex, but... yuck. This may even be perfectly normal to a lot of people. One guy on another forum I was on said he always did this with his wife and didn't see any problem with it. And I was kind of grossed out by the idea. They are basically using the other person to masturbate. Yuck. Not sure how this makes them a more attractive partner. They are basically using another human being as a receptacle.

 

(Edit) I think it's unrealistic to believe a married person isn't intimate with their spouse, and if they are being physically intimate, without any emotional intimacy, it seems kind of effed up. I guess if they are both okay with it... good for them. But it seems awful to use a person who loves you in that way.

Edited September 12, 2017 by Veronica73

[road]

Normal for any man to not want to share

his woman. Whether a dating a single

woman or a married woman.

 

So how do you think your OW's BH feel

if he knew he was sharing his WW with

you?

 

Sir, you do not have the right to be

jealous when you are the thief.

[waterwoman]

.some may think this is mental gymnastics.

 

Yes. It is mental gymnastics and you might do yourself an injury!

Edited September 12, 2017 by waterwoman
Mispelling

[somanymistakes]

I think the idea of them having physical intimacy with their spouse while claiming not to love the spouse at all is horrific.

 

Imagine what that would be saying! "I kissed her and told her that I loved her, but I didn't mean it. I took her to bed and did everything she likes, but every moment of that time I felt nothing but contempt for her." That's awful! How would that make them seem more attractive? If being "true" to me meant being a cold-hearted ass who lied without remorse... why would I even want that person anymore?

 

I would far rather hear that any intimacy between them, whether it's a hug or hand-holding or sex, was because they do still care about their spouse, even if that caring is damaged and frayed and less than it used to be.

 

Falling out of love is complicated. A lot of people still sleep with their soon-to-be-ex spouses during a divorce, even if one or both of them is still 100% set on leaving. The emotions are all hugely tangled up, there's a lot of stress and frustration, and they are both familiar with each other. It happens.

 

But if your AP is claiming to have no feelings whatsoever for their partner and is still sleeping with them, then unless they are actually being forced into it, your AP is a cold and heartless liar to either you or their BS or both.

[road]

I think the idea of them having physical intimacy with their spouse while claiming not to love the spouse at all is horrific.

 

Imagine what that would be saying! "I kissed her and told her that I loved her, but I didn't mean it. I took her to bed and did everything she likes, but every moment of that time I felt nothing but contempt for her." That's awful! How would that make them seem more attractive? If being "true" to me meant being a cold-hearted ass who lied without remorse... why would I even want that person anymore?

 

I would far rather hear that any intimacy between them, whether it's a hug or hand-holding or sex, was because they do still care about their spouse, even if that caring is damaged and frayed and less than it used to be.

 

Falling out of love is complicated. A lot of people still sleep with their soon-to-be-ex spouses during a divorce, even if one or both of them is still 100% set on leaving. The emotions are all hugely tangled up, there's a lot of stress and frustration, and they are both familiar with each other. It happens.

 

But if your AP is claiming to have no feelings whatsoever for their partner and is still sleeping with them, then unless they are actually being forced into it, your AP is a cold and heartless liar to either you or their BS or both.

 

Wait a minute here. A WS that does not lie? Wow.

 

The three biggest lies:

 

I am not lying

 

The check is in the mail

 

I am not having sex with my spouse

[sandylee1]

Problem is .... If they are in any way lying about intimacy with their spouse, either having it or about the reasons for it, how can you ever know what's true.

 

Don't waste your time stressing about it, or you'll tie yourself up in knots.

[aileD]

You're just trying to justify your feelings....there's no justification. It doesn't feel right cuz it's not and changing your entire outlook on things to support this affair is a dangerous slope

[Ahurtgirl]

I never felt sexually drawn to my exhusband. We had sex but it was awful. We both realized there was no sexual attraction to each other. We were married 20+ years. My exAP... extremely attracted to and we made love... not sex.

Very good chance if she has fallen in love with you, that she would just be going through the motions with her spouse to meet his needs. Only fools would think their spouse enjoys sex with them, especially if they have reached out to other man/woman. We are all very good liars as to not hurt the spouses feelings, but seriously, if she's in love with you, she's no longer enjoying it with her spouse.

Besides all this, get out of this situation as soon as possible. Being in an affair will end badly. Start reading on the stories of how affairs end on here. Everyone gets hurt and no one is left unscathed.

[aileD]

Only fools would think their spouse enjoys sex with them,

 

Ummmmmm. wow. Let's not even discuss the level of foolery it takes to think that a married man.........oh nevermind, not worth it.

[Chica80]

I never felt sexually drawn to my exhusband. We had sex but it was awful. We both realized there was no sexual attraction to each other. We were married 20+ years. My exAP... extremely attracted to and we made love... not sex.

 

Ummmm wasn't your exH gay?

[RecentChange]

Boy some of you have gone DEEP off the end of that pier.

 

It seems like cheaters tend to fall into two categories – in it for the sex, or in it for the emotional attachment. Generally men tend to fall into the former, while women are in the later – except for the outliers, like the OP, and myself.

 

Here are some facts:

 

Cheaters LIE. If they can lie to someone that they have vowed to honor under god and in front of their family etc, they can certainly lie to the OM or the OW.

Cheaters are selfish – this is about fulfilling THEIR needs – not yours OM or OW. So they will lie (see fact #1) to get those needs fulfilled.

Cheaters are cake eaters – they stay because they can have both! The comfort of a stable home, and some serious attention and ego boosting from the OM/OW (this is specially true with wives, it was so bad the could divorce and leave, but no, its easier to have you on the side).

 

 

You know, it wasn’t till LS that I discovered what “freaks” my OM and I were. We were honest – not to our spouses of course, but it went like this:

 

“happy at home?” – both agree, Yep. “good sex life at home?” both agreed yes. Attracted to each other and really don’t want to resist it any more? That was a yes.

 

My OM wasn’t jealous of my husband, he knew I loved him(my husband), and that I still had AMAZING sex with him, and that I had no intention of ever leaving, etc.

 

Heck, we would joke about how the OM would tease me up, and I would go home and unleash that on my husband. I didn’t ask much about his sex life at home, but I know it was robust, and I am sure cheating increased his libido – it often does.

 

Only fools would think their spouse enjoys sex with them, especially if they have reached out to other man/woman.

 

Huh? Um NO….. Um no, only fools would believe this quote.

 

This is very very very far from a universal truth. First you would have to be in the sex=love club (which not all of us are members) and you derive your experience from being married to a gay man, which obviously would lend itself to an atypical sex life.

 

OP – maybe its not true for your OW – but my husband was getting even MORE sex than previously when I was involved with a OM. Hotter, better sex. Might not be what you like to hear, but it was my truth.

[Chica80]

OP, you do not need to change your thinking. There is a reason you think the way you do.

 

It bothers you to think that she is having sex or intimacies with her husband, because you believe that she can only be "intimate" with you. You can't fathom how it could possibly be the same how it could mean the same thing how it can be just as special.

 

Here's the thing. You can love two people sure, care for two people sure ..but truly be intimate with two people no.

What you have is not true intimacy, it may feel like it look like it but it is not it.

 

You need to ask yourself why you would choose a relationship that provides you a fake interpretation of what you want? Is it your own fears, what is holding YOU back from finding someone who can truly give you that?

[LivingWaterPlease]

ten characters

Edited September 12, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[Vivir]

Justconfused, upon reading your post, I couldn't help but think you are definitely in what has been termed the Justifying Zone:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/280666-justifying-zone

 

Some call it mental gymnastics. Whatever it is, it is a fact you cannot know the truth about what is going on in their home and marriage. If you peel the layers back, what does your gut tell you? If I were you, and I have been, I would trust my gut.

 

It was reading here at LS and envisioning the opposite of what xMM had been saying that gave me the wherewithal to actually close the door in his face. The envisioning included them having sex and him being happy there overall when he claimed not to be. It really hurt me, because it meant that he had never really been looking to divorce, had been lying to me, probably from the start, for his own benefit - so I would not leave him, so he could continue to use me.

 

Here are some facts:

 

Cheaters LIE. If they can lie to someone that they have vowed to honor under god and in front of their family etc, they can certainly lie to the OM or the OW.

Cheaters are selfish – this is about fulfilling THEIR needs – not yours OM or OW. So they will lie (see fact #1) to get those needs fulfilled.

Cheaters are cake eaters – they stay because they can have both! The comfort of a stable home, and some serious attention and ego boosting from the OM/OW (this is specially true with wives, it was so bad the could divorce and leave, but no, its easier to have you on the side).

 

 

You know, it wasn’t till LS that I discovered what “freaks” my OM and I were. We were honest – not to our spouses of course, but it went like this:

 

“happy at home?” – both agree, Yep. “good sex life at home?” both agreed yes. Attracted to each other and really don’t want to resist it any more? That was a yes.

 

My OM wasn’t jealous of my husband, he knew I loved him(my husband), and that I still had AMAZING sex with him, and that I had no intention of ever leaving, etc.

 

Heck, we would joke about how the OM would tease me up, and I would go home and unleash that on my husband. I didn’t ask much about his sex life at home, but I know it was robust, and I am sure cheating increased his libido – it often does.

 

OP – maybe its not true for your OW – but my husband was getting even MORE sex than previously when I was involved with a OM. Hotter, better sex. Might not be what you like to hear, but it was my truth.

 

At one point in the past, this post by Recent Change would have sent me into an angry rage with crying fits and utter despair. And for a moment there, I did think I might throw up a little. I feel especially violent thinking that I, a single person, was used to make someone's married sex life even better, to make his marriage to someone else more palatable, to be like icing on that cake or ice cream on the side.

Edited September 14, 2017 by Vivir

[elaine567]

At one point in the past, this post by Recent Change would have sent me into an angry rage with crying fits and utter despair. And for a moment there, I did think I might throw up a little. I feel especially violent thinking that I, a single person, was used to make someone's married sex life even better, to make his marriage to someone else more palatable, to be like icing on that cake or ice cream on the side.

 

That is because at heart although you were engaged in an affair you are a monogamist. You, like many OWs/OMs seem to be, are not embracing "polygamy" by indulging in an affair, you were/are waiting for the married person to leave their spouse so that they can have a monogamous relationship with you. But that may not be how it works.

 

There is often the disconnect as the married person is not really a monogamist. The married label can be confusing, here is a person who has even taken vows to state they are a monogamist, but are stepping out anyway.

I think many MM/MW are happy in their illicit "polygamy", it suits them well.

They conformed and got married but it is not who they actually are. They may love being married but they also want/need other people too.

Ultimately, they don't leave their marriage as they do not want to, they never wanted to, they just need some "extra"... extra sex, extra love, extra variety, extra excitement, extra validation... and whilst some will be upfront about it, some will say and do whatever it takes to get "some".

 

The problem often with the monogamist is that they do not see "polygamy" as being the preferred option, so even when told he/she is not leaving their spouse ever, they tend not to believe it, so hang on in there anyway.

 

IMO people who believe in monogamy should stay well aware from affairs, as it rarely ends well for them.

[Vivir]

There is often the disconnect as the married person is not really a monogamist. The married label can be confusing, here is a person who has even taken vows to state they are a monogamist, but are stepping out anyway.

I think many MM/MW are happy in their illicit "polygamy", it suits them well.

They conformed and got married but it is not who they actually are. They may love being married but they also want/need other people too..

 

Elaine, this particular information you have shared is something I do not think I would've learned had I not been involved in an affair. I mean, I hadn't learned it in all my years as an adult... until perhaps a year ago. And I didn't put the descriptions to the words until you wrote them. I listened to xMM talk a great deal about how he could have most anybody (heaps of women were attracted to him and would shamelessly come on to him DAILY). When I pointed out that he is married and thus already has someone, he would respond like it was a casual afterthought: "Well, you know what I mean...besides that". Just wow. In processing everything, I realized that I didn't want to have a person for this, another person for that, but he seemed to be OK with it. And I suppose that is his right, and his wife's problem.